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AIBU?

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Original poster

15yo son come out as gay

135 replies

chitterchitter3322 · 04/09/2018 20:20

Apologies for long thread...

DS3 broke up with his girlfriend last week. They had been together for 7 months. I was expecting this to happen as the girlfriend will be moving to another country in November.

DS3 didn't seem that bothered even though the girl told him that she wanted the relationship to be over.

DS3 was at his friend's house this afternoon, and he sent me this (copied and pasted):

Mum, I need to get this off my chest to you . You may have noticed I didnt seem very upset when (girlfriend's name) broke up with me . I'm gay . .

Now my phone was dead when he texted me this. I charged my phone and two hours later I saw the text.

I was worried because he didn't come home and he probably thought I was angry at him.

I told him that it was okay and it didn't matter I loved him etc...

So he came home but went to his room straight away.

I was unsure why but when DH came home from work, he seemed frustrated and started telling me he had a f**t for a son.

He had never really had a problem with LGB people but really?! He's in a mood and he's not talking to me or DS3.

I've got 6 kids and the other 5 don't know, DD3 has noticed some things going on.

I'm so sad DH reacted like this.

Should I get the whole family together tomorrow for a talk (if DS3 is ready to tell his siblings)?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/09/2018 21:36

It's not about your husband "hopefully" being in a good mood. He's a homophobic nasty man. If you want to protect your son from this shit then you should consider leaving

Piggyhoolier · 04/09/2018 21:37

Can’t believe I just read that. There is zero excuse for disgusting, insulting homophobic comments from your DH. I hate the overuse of LTN on here for any minor transgression, but that would be game over for my marriage if DH ever said anything like yours has OP. It’s unforgivable. This is your son, nothing about your DH’s comments can be justified.

Piggyhoolier · 04/09/2018 21:38

*LTB

NotACleverName · 04/09/2018 21:38

I think people are being a bit harsh on your husband.

On the contrary, I think people aren't being harsh enough on the husband. It's 2018, there's absolutely no excuse whatsoever for homophobia (not that there ever was), never mind calling your child the f-word.

oldsockeater · 04/09/2018 21:44

Strange that he's more concerned that people at work will judge him for having a gay son, than that they will judge him for being homophobic towards his own son. Where on earth does he work, that people (even homophobic ones) would be so awful to their own children?

hungryhippo90 · 04/09/2018 21:44

I see it’s been said. But OP, if the same was going on in my house and my husband dared to mutter the F word, he would be out on his arse before he could finish it.

I know he’s your husband but how vile of him to speak that way when his child has just come out.

I’m saddened that coming out is still in 2018 such an issue that your child felt he couldn’t come home until he got the say so (not a reflection of you as such, but that it’s such a big question in the mind of him or any other teen) and then his father speaks like that and is concerned what people will think.

You know what I think? It doesn’t matter one iota who your son, or anyone else shares a bed with. What matters is how he carries himself. Is he a respectful, polite human being? If so he is deserving of nothing but respect and understanding meeting his declaration for all he is.

imadumbass · 04/09/2018 21:45

I think people are being a bit harsh on your husband.

No, they aren't.

BalthazarImpresario · 04/09/2018 21:48

It is your sons choice when he come sout to the rest of his family, do not do it for him.
Check with him if he is happy for his siblings to know (my d's 16 has been out for a year.. I thimk, maybe longer and only this weekend did some family members find out)

Your husband however needs a fucking rocket up him, what is his problem with having a gay dc? Baring in mind that he is never going to be part of the intimate side and your son can still marry and have kids etc.
It could be he feels a disconnection from him which he needs to explore himself and when he isn't being such a fucknugget, Talk to your ds.
My dp had concerns but only because he didn't want our d's to face any unnecessary difficulty or judgement.

The paramount thing here is your open communication and acceptance of your son. He needs to know that nothing is different.

I think my dc misses out on slagging off me to his lgbt mates like they do hahah.

Meandyoumake2 · 04/09/2018 21:55

Well done to your son - it was the hardest thing I ever said - you are doing the right thing supporting him. Luckily my parents were great - father maybe more so - they actually took me out for dinner to celebrate being me and the weight off my shoulders - was great and broke the ice after the "big announcement" as I wanted to just stay in bed the next day when I got home lol. I know this might not seem like the time but maybe you and DS could go do something? Or yourself the other children and him if that's appropriate? Your hubby needs to know it's not acceptable and that the rest of you accept your son for who he is,your son is the one that matters ATM

JetskiJane · 04/09/2018 22:00

Have I missed something? Is it still 1975? It's a good thing teachers in schools are a lot more tolerant than your disgraceful husband is. A big announcement to the family - are you for real?! What a brave lad and this is the response from his nearest and dearest? I'm flabbergasted.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 04/09/2018 22:02

"Well we all have things we don't want. You've got a gay son, I'm married to a wanker and your kids have a selfish, homophobic cunt for a father. So it's a shit day all round!"

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2018 22:08

So many angles to this.

The first one is your husband is homophobic. To say gay men are faggots and insinuate it's something to be ashamed of is despicable in this day in age.

The fact he thinks it of his own son makes it a million times worse.

Then you have your Sons feelings towards his fathers response then the rest of his siblings feelings on it,

Hopefully it's just ashock to your husband and he's reacted badly. And that this really isn't who he is.

Because if this is whohe is. You're going to have to chose between your husband and your children.

Tartsamazeballs · 04/09/2018 22:10

"I'd rather a faggot for a son than a total cunt for a husband" would probably be my response.

BarbedBloom · 04/09/2018 22:13

This would be the end of my marriage. I could understand shock, or a period of adjustment, but it is the homophobic language that would be it for me. It just shows he has always had these views and is the real him showing.

Be guided by your son and just offer him love and support.

lalalalyra · 04/09/2018 22:14

I do hope your husband didn't reply to your son's text in any way like he's reacted to you. Otherwise your poor son! Bad enough that his father is homophobic to you, but to be openly homophobic to his son is hideous. It would be the end of my marriage tbh, that's just disgusting language.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2018 22:17

I would never forgive my husband of he called our child such a vile name. What will people at work think?! WHO GIVES A FUCK.

Support your son.

SabineUndine · 04/09/2018 22:18

Why does your OH even think his workmates need to know? It’s none of their business. He needs to stop thinking about himself, for a start.

MiamiLogic · 04/09/2018 22:32

Honestly who here cares who their colleagues’ children date? Or even knows? The deepest our conversations get are did they do okay in their exams Hmm

I’m glad you told your DS that if DH is like that again you’ll LTB. Now you need to tell DH that too

MrsPinkCock · 04/09/2018 23:17

Don’t do the family meeting.

We have four DC. Always strongly suspected one of our DS would come out so we’ve always been quite open in our house about how it’s OK to like people of the same gender. We’ve done this since the DC were four!

We didn’t expect DD to come out at 13 though. It was a bit of a shock as we didn’t see it coming. But I can guarantee you she’d have been mortified if we turned that into a family meeting scenario.

Your DH hasn’t reacted well but I suspect it’s just shock and he’ll get over it.

Goth237 · 04/09/2018 23:18

Hello, OP. I am sorry that your husband reacted so poorly to your son coming out. I really hope that he gets his head out of his arse and tomorrow has a better reaction... although, as a side note, I would still be concerned that that's really how he feels and that would put me off. Anyway, it's important that your son knows that you're on his side and are willing to take such an action so as to make his life better. It's very likely always going to be a problem for your son that his dad feels that way about him. So you should be prepared for them never to get along again. It's so damaging to come out to your parents and have one of them react so badly. I would suggest therapy. Anyway, please keep us updated- all the best OP. You've done the right thing. X

BlancheM · 04/09/2018 23:25

Your son probably wasn't expecting you to share his brave text message with the world when he entrusted you with that information :/

Storminateapot · 05/09/2018 00:22

Since nobody knows who the OP is that's a bit of a redundant remark.

Scabetty · 05/09/2018 00:29

Probably a shock to your dh but it is 2018 and his children’s sexuality is none of his or anyone else’s business. He used a horrible word but perhaps he will redeem himself and apologise tomorrow.

Original poster
chitterchitter3322 · 05/09/2018 00:50

Bloody hell, I can't sleep. As I said I spoke to DS3 and said he'll tell all his siblings tomorrow but wants me there - which I will be.

However DH never has spoken to me about LGB issues but he's never ever said the F word to me or any other homophobic slurs.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 05/09/2018 01:51

Your husband behaved appallingly but I disagree with the general concensus. I wouldn't be asking him to leave because then your son, who is already feeling upset and embarrassed (though he shouldn't have to be!), will feel like he's broken his family up as well. It's too much for a 15 year old to deal with all at once.

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