To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

Really interesting to read some of these responses. Agree that there is a whiff of homophobia in this thread. And interesting how we don't seem to question why it is so necessary for male parents in particular to be required to work at full capacity (or beyond) when they have babies at home. Why is there no provision made for them to enjoy early fatherhood? Why are some women (as per some comments here) offended or feel patronised by being offered support, be it around the house or being helped into a chair? I didn't read the op as being critical of individual choices, she was observing a phenomenon that, frankly, is worth observing. Interesting that there seems fairly little interest in questioning the underlying structures that make it oh so rational for peoplee to reproduce traditional gender roles. Hashtag justsayin.

I consider myself a feminist and my husband didn't do any night stuff on his working days in the early days when I was off and they were waking in the night regularly. At the time he worked for the emergency services. I'd rather him do his job properly and be alert and safe driving.

My DH did loads and still does he just didn't get up in the night. I don't feel the need to watch him clean the bathroom, I'm doing something else like sleeping or on MN

‘Intensely lonely caring for a baby in the night’ Good grief - how utterly wet. You’d have someone foregoing sleep just to keep you company ? 😒

OP, every couple does what suits them best and it's no one else's business really.

Exactly.

OH had one day off work.
I did all the feeding ( breastfeeding and never expressed), all the night wakenings all the nappy changes.

OH supported us financially, would do as much housework as he could when not working.

He was never very hands on with our babies.
But I was happy, OH was happy, our children were loved and cared for.

I can't see much else matters.

No real reason to be "appalled".

here's every point to you both being up in the night, it is so intensely lonely caring for a baby on your own at night (and during the day.

you might have thought so, i don't think most do. It sounds more like !I'm awake so you need to suffer too". Just watch netflix or read a book, fgs!

I absolutely agree with you OP. The only thing the non-breastfeeding parent can’t do is, erm, breastfeed. Me and my husband shared everything equally from day one and still do. Sounds like you and your wife have the right idea, congratulations on your little one

Do you both work full time, Knit?

@LauraMipsum agreed whole heartedly with this, excellent post all round. There are many patriarchy princesses around here!

Yes. I’m freelance (and also a postgraduate student), he works in an office.

Unless one partner is a brain surgeon or something, they are no more entitled to a full night’s sleep than the other partner. My husband freely admits he doesn’t need a full night of sleep to sit in his office (although of course it would be nice) - and he has a very responsible, management level role.
Each to their own and all that, but personally I think parenting should be shared as far as possible - you both chose to parent after all!

And yes some of these responses are a bit regarding same sex couples...probably because it challenges ‘how it’s always been done’ in terms of division of labour. I’m bisexual and have been in relationships with women before so perhaps that colours my views of how ‘wifework’/parenting should be shared.

Precisely that, speakout

In the early days of ebf my OH got up with me to help as you do for your DW. I really appreciated it as it made the whole experience easier and less lonely - although clearly from these responses a lot of people wouldn't want that no sure why.

Now DS just rolls over and grabs at my top so no need for any of us to wake up really

Why does your partner need help getting into the nursing chair 🤔 as other posts have said you don't have to do everything all the time together. If she is bf I don't see why you have to get up everytime with her every night? But that's just me 🤷‍♀️

“Shared” generally means divided equitably. Not a job requiring one person being done by two side by side for no good reason?!

To Knit

DP wakes up at 6.30 every day to go to work and comes home at 11pm every night. Obviously he is not expected to do anything during the night. He offered getting me a night nurse but I find it unnecessary as I EBF and therefore just pop baby on and off. But he sleeps with me so very easy and we both get a lot of sleep. No crying at night.

Do find your post very sanctimonious though.

But surely if the division of labour is agreed by both mum and dad/ dad and dad/ mum and mum then what difference does it make.

One woman could be perfectly happy doing 90% of the work and her OH happy to do the 10%? Why is that appalling if it's on agreed terms?

We didn't split things 50/50 and we were happy with that, are we appalling people?

My dh took one week of work after she was born so he could get up in the night with her and let me rest.

We both got up some nights as it was just a lovely experience for us to cherish together. But after he went back to work night feeds were for me, then when I went back to work we tried to do both of us. But she would only settle for me. Three years later it's the same. She will only settle for me. Think it hurts dh a little bit to be fair.

But other than that everything is and has been split 50/50

When I was on mat leave, only mums could take it, so it made sense for me to do any night feeds as I could nap in the day. I have to say if I did it again I’d still want to be the one to have mat leave to look after the baby, unless DH really wanted to do it.

But for your point on helping around the house - not sure any partner/dad would go around saying how they did cleaning/shopping etc to help out with the baby as that stuff that has to be done anyway. Seriously I’d be mad if DH said he was helping me with the baby by emptying the dishwasher! He’s not as emptying the dishwater is everyone’s job.

So much judgement on this thread.

If both partners are happy with the arrangement what does it matter.

And yes patriarchy sucks, but for us taking more traditional roles as working and SAHP was the easiest route.

Two partners both working full time is not always the best path for everyone.

I gave up my career to have kids, I wanted to stay home.

That was my choice.

I see your overall point about how childcare is regarded as feminine work; but disagree that it is "equal" for both parents to share baby tasks / sleep deprivation equally whilst only one of them is working and has no option to sleep during the day. That seems not only unfair, but unsafe - if they have a responsible job or have to drive to work.

I mean, for things to be totally equal at home, shouldn't the leave from work be equal too?

I am sharing parental leave with my husband, and when I go back to work and he is looking after the baby then he is going to be the one up at night whilst I sleep! Likewise when I am at home and he's at work it will be the other way around. Why would either of us want the other one to go without sleep and drive to work tired?

We tag teamed most of the time but there were times I was desperately lonely and exhausted and really appreciated DH getting up with me to do a change and then I fed DC (ebf) while he dozed next to me.

OP I wonder if you come off as judgy in real life and that's why everyone you have met seems to be 1950s style. They probably aren't quite as extreme in reality but they way you come across is getting their backs up. Just a thought. I have been guilty of this myself.

Most men do much less parenting and house running than most women do and I think a lot of the hostility you're getting is because people don't want to admit that to themselves.

My DH never once woke up to see to the kids during the night when they were little. He also doesn’t do any of the house running. I’ve never seen him use a hoover 😀 But he IS ripping out our overgrown hedge, putting in a new fence all by himself (around a 1 acre garden) chainsaws and chops the wood for winter, has re-wired our house, tiled all of downstairs, fitted a new kitchen and 2 bathrooms for us, put the roof on our barn and made the stable doors. He does all of this on his days off from his full time job that he hates but which pays him very well. Do I begrudge him not helping me clean and cook? Or wake to the kids at night? No, I don’t. Without him, I wouldn’t be able to do the part time job I love but which pays me very little. He does the jobs I can’t physically do. I’ve also never had to worry about money, because he could function when he went to work and not make mistakes which would have cost his employer ££££££ and ultimately his job.
So no, I happily admit it that my DH does no housework and very little parenting compared to me (unless asked). But this suits us just fine 😂