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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

718 replies

lmcc13 · 04/09/2018 07:56

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

OP posts:
Duskqueen · 04/09/2018 17:38

Not RTFT, but the main problem is if you are both not getting sleep you argue more, in the newborn stages especially when breast feeding it is better for mum to do it. Both of mine were formula fed and I would do most of the night feeds and then my DH would get up with them while I had a lie in, that was until my DS had other ideas and wouldn't sleep in his Moses basket in the bedroom, he would only sleep in the front room, so my DH would sleep out there with him. Now they are both older, he still gets up with them while I sleep in as it is his time to spend with them before he goes to work.
Tbh it is not always 50/50 sometimes he does more and sometimes in do more, it depends on the day, how we are feeling (if poorly etc) and what we are doing on that day. I am the only one who drives so all activities out do fall on me, but he has had a lot of time off over the holidays and has taken up most of the child care, whilst I sort other things and have picked up extra shifts at work.
At the end of the day, you do what is best for you and your family, I really don't think it is a feminist issue, but as a mum with a newborn it is a mothering instinct that is built in, I would be more upset about them still doing the lions share when they are older.

serbska · 04/09/2018 17:44

Anyway, is anyone else wishing they had a snuggle 4 week old?!?!

BalloonSlayer · 04/09/2018 17:47

Off the topic a bit but there's no need to sterilise for breastmilk if baby was full term and healthy.

What, not sterilise a breastpump with all those teeny little tubes? Erk.

darklady64 · 04/09/2018 17:47

What works for you, works for you. Personally I'd find being helped to a chair and you hanging about in the middle of the night very irritating, but if it helps you both bond with the baby, that's great. There are pages of posts explaining how others have split the load and - shock horror - yours is not the only way!

But I have to wonder what your boss makes of you being "tired and incoherent"?

StoorieHoose · 04/09/2018 17:49

Anyway, is anyone else wishing they had a snuggle 4 week old?!?

I’d rather have someone to help me into a chair with my dodgy back

ChoudeBruxelles · 04/09/2018 17:52

Dh did his share. Went to work, came home and cooked, tidied up, did washing etc. However there was really no need for him to be awake multiple times in the night (although I’m sure he did get woken up) as he couldn’t feed ds and tbh if I was up feeding him I might as well change his nappy.

When ds was a bit older dh would stay up to feed ds about 11 from a bottle so that I could go to sleep after an 8pm ish feed and then have a decent chunk of sleep.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/09/2018 17:53

I knew this would get contentious!

OP, every couple does what suits them best and it's no one else's business really. Personally, I enjoyed having peaceful one-on-one time with mine during the night - no pressure to do anything except feed and change them, cuddle, and sometimes watch rubbish repeats on TV that I'd never normally watch!

I would've hated DH fussing around me, I didn't need his help at night and found it better that he was well-rested so I could rely on him more during the day (leave expressed milk in the 'fridge while I napped, etc.)

Whatever works best for you!

HermioneGoesBackHome · 04/09/2018 17:53

But it obviously works for her relationship because after 4 weeks, she's experienced enough to tell us all that real parents are doing it wrong.

Timtom can you care to explain how you/we are a REAL parent but somehow the OP is NOT a REAL parent?

Why is that? Because she didn’t give birth the baby?
Because she is gay?
Because of what exactly?

I am deeply shocked by your comment tbh.

hungryhippie · 04/09/2018 17:56

With my children, I would have an early night and their Dad would do the last feed. I would then be "on duty" from midnight, onwards.
I loved it to be honest. Yes, I was knackered but I loved having time alone with my babies. I would make myself a nice cup of tea/coffee, put on a programme I was watching and cuddle up.
Totally precious moments.

My husband never fed them through the night because I didn't want him to. Everyone is different and what suits one family, may not necessarily suit the next.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 04/09/2018 17:56

darklady what I have seen is pages of people showing how NOT to share the load in an even way.

This thread is laughable.
Take any other thread in Mn where a woman moans that her DH doesn’t help and you have scores of people coming saying that it’s clear he doesn’t pull his weight. That he has no more right to full night of sleep than her. That he should be able to settle the baby back to sleep etc etc.

But somehow the Op is unreasonable Hmm

I suspect that the only thing that is unreasonable about her is to show that it’s titally possible to get up at night and support your partner even if you are working.
Shattering all the talk women have in their head to try and convince them their DH is still a nice bloke and does the best he can.

vanillapieandicecream · 04/09/2018 18:00

My DH was absolutely brilliant with me after each birth. I had four rough pregnancies, four c-sections and also on bedrest for the last trimester with the last pregnancy.

Ever since we became a family, he cooks eggs (different ways for each of us) for breakfast.

Equally, the youngest is now three and at the end of the day, I am exhausted. He still comes in, washes up and often sorts out the washing.

I wouldn't have had four kids with a man who wasn't my partner in every sense of the world.

MountainsPlease · 04/09/2018 18:01

@sisgal

@mountainsplease oh do fuck off. I don't care what you say. I am entitled to my opinion. Also I've not once said anything homophobic (have you noticed none of my posts have been removed??? hmm )

But saying that the OP having a child with her partner/wife isn’t a proper Mum isn’t? Fair enough then. You didn’t answer me about all the straight couples that use egg/sperm donors, that they aren’t proper parents either?

MountainsPlease · 04/09/2018 18:05

@HermioneGoesBackHome you’ve hit the nail on the head there with your last post. OP, you sound a wonderful wife and mother.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 04/09/2018 18:06

Today 08:09 lmcc13

Amazing to hear your stories of shared work - what a relief! Hopefully I’ve just come across a few more ‘traditional’ set ups!

The ‘traditional’ set up works very well for some people, OP. Don’t knock it, just because it’s not your way of doing things

ittakes2 · 04/09/2018 18:06

mmmmm are you looking for a pat on the back? Well done you? I don't think any of it has to do with sex. Couples agree what they are happy with, and if they are happy...what has it got to do with feminism? To me feminism is pro-choice...not your version that my male partner has to do all the things you do. I worked full-time until I gave birth to twins at 36 - I know how important it is to have the mental capacity to make decisions while at work and drive safely. I wanted to do the lion share of the boring mundane baby stuff because cooking and washing bottles is something I could do successful no matter if I was tired or not. Besides, I had waited a long time to be a mother and I wanted to experience it how I wanted to experience it - and I was happy immersing myself in it.
Your post comes across as being very judgemental. One of my biggest life lessons I have learnt from being a parent is not to judge other people - its not possible to know the full picture of their lives.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/09/2018 18:06

The op has said she goes into work incoherent with tiredness, Hermione? What use is that to anyone?
It also seems to be to no purpose whatsoever, as all she can actually do is faff about in the background Confused

Timtomtam · 04/09/2018 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

onetimeposter · 04/09/2018 18:10

Shut up tim Confused

Timtomtam · 04/09/2018 18:13

But what I'm saying is true.
OP can call herself a mum and love the baby but she's not the baby's real mother. Her wife is (assuming they used her egg).

onetimeposter · 04/09/2018 18:14

Fair enough, but imo you can be an amazing parent without biology. Would you say that about a woman who afopted, that she wasnt a real mother?

Timtomtam · 04/09/2018 18:21

I agree you can have a loving relationship with a child without being the biological parent. However my point was that I and others have said OP seems to be seeking validation because she's insecure about not being the baby's mother. It's not that I don't think the OP can't raise the child well. It doesn't make her the child's mother though because the baby already has a mother to take care of him

Bananamanfan · 04/09/2018 18:21

Really late to the party and haven't RTFT, but totally agree with you, OP
All this; " there's no point in us both being tired..." "He has to work..." is utter BS.
There's every point to you both being up in the night, it is so intensely lonely caring for a baby on your own at night (and during the day.).

Beelin · 04/09/2018 18:25

I think Hermione has it. OP you are dead right ime about how hetero couples seem to default into gender stereotypes when kids come along. I've often looked at lesbian households I know where the balance of work is quite different, and holds true from babyhood onwards. Most men do much less parenting and house running than most women do and I think a lot of the hostility you're getting is because people don't want to admit that to themselves.

Bear2014 · 04/09/2018 18:27

I'm in a same sex couple and our youngest has just turned 1. When our DD was born 4 years ago my OH did get up a bit in the night at first for moral support but I didn't need her to after the first couple of weeks. And I had a complicated C section.

Thing is, parenting is a long slog and she needed to get some sleep so she could go to work! She would also take DD off my hands so I could nap etc. Since DS was born she has done the lion's share of caring for DD so I can do baby stuff and nap when he naps.

We're the only same sex parents in our friendship circle but everyone seems to share the load pretty well. One dad took 6 months parental leave.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/09/2018 18:27

@HermioneGoesBackHome

But getting up for night feeds is only part of the parenting load, a partner could be doing other helpful things, just not that.

Anyway, we all muddle through somehow...and then they turn into teenagers who don't want to get out of bed at all!