To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

30, no, she's the mother. Come on. This isn't the place for kicking at the OP.

@30hours they are both either mum or dad in same sex relationships. My best friend is dad and so is his husband to their adoptive children. Neither of them gave birth or contributed genetic material to the children, they are both dad's

MY DH got up far more than I did when our baby was born after I stopped breast feeding at 4 weeks! I just slept through the baby crying !!! He's a great hands on dad and changed lots of nappies. We both cleaned the house and I tended to cook because he doesn't get home until later due to his commute. I certainly don't feel stuck in the 1950s.

@LRDtheFeministDragon it isn’t kicking the op to state that she isn’t the mother. She is the other parent. Unless she birthed or adopted the child she isn’t is mother. It’s quite that simple.

In all honesty, it's none of your business. If you want to start the competition as to 'who is the best parent' as soon as baby is born, then you have a long road ahead. Just stick to what you think is right and let others do it their own way, there is no need to judge.

@TheActualLastJedi yes I fully accept that two gay men adopting children are both dads.

Usually in the case of a woman having a baby with a same sex partner when registering the birth they are asked which one gave birth and are named as mother. The other woman goes down as ‘other parent.’

No, it's not quite that simple.

I think what you are probably getting at is that on this baby's birth certificate, the OP will be down as the 'other parent' and her wife as the baby's 'mother'.

I am aware of how birth certificates are written.

However, this baby is clearly going to grow up with two female parents. In our language and society, a baby's female parent is called its mother. It's a term that obviously carries huge emotional weight. IMO not using it is homophobic and unpleasant.

@LRD no previously you've always shoehorned in the fact OP is a homosexual as a reason that everyone should let it slide and not take offence. That she feels judged by society for being a minority and this then should excuse her behaviour.

The last post you've given doesn't refer to any of OP's ideology or sexuality just merely you feel she's been given a rough ride and has been misunderstood. Im unsure how you can decide you know some random over the internet's true intentions behind a post, but that's another debate for another day.

You've clearly interpreted the post one way and others have interpreted it another way. Either or is ok surely?

@LRDtheFeministDragon I see your point of view but I disagree.

Find your post quite patronising OP.

You'd hate us. We have a, for want of a better word, 'traditional' marriage. We have 3 dc aged 17, 15 and 11. Dh works long hours in a well-paid job, I am a SAHM (although I've recently started working one day per week).

We both love our roles and couldn't do what the other does. We are a partnership. Our jobs are different but that doesn't mean one is more important than the other.

And yes, when my dc were small, it was mainly me getting up in the night. Partly because I was breastfeeding and partly because dh had to be up at 6.30am for work whereas I could sleep in longer and nap when the baby napped.

If you think that's too 1950s, tough. It works for us.

Regardless whether the OP is a mother or not isn’t the issue.. she clearly feels she has found the holy grail of parenting. It’s to hover over a breastfeeding mother by helping her into a chair and boasting on forums only to run into hiding when called out for her smug post.

I really don’t see why your wife needs helping to a chair lol. That’s so weird.

I EBF and I wake at night on my own and DP can just sleep soundly with his useless nipples being all useless... but then he does everything during the day (when he’s not working away). He makes food, cleans, etc but I do most child related things (three kids)

What’s the point in him being tired as well as me? Then he’s just not as useful during the day, which makes my day more difficult.

Sounds like you do everything and your wife just has milk producing boobs.

How on earth is it shoehorning anything to point out that there are some patently homophobic posts on this thread?

People telling her she isn't her baby's mum - that's homophobic, surely?

I am not saying there aren't valid reasons to disagree with the OP, or to take issue with what she says about other people. I've actually said this several times now.

What I am saying is that I find it rather odd that in this case, where the OP is gay, suddenly, the thread is all about attacking her, with very little objection to early homophobic posts, and with very little sympathy for why she might be feeling as she does.

I have definitely seen unbalanced threads in response to straight posters. Sometimes MN just goes haywire and seems very mean-spirited; sometimes for some reason everyone takes agin a certain poster. But in this case, I can't help wondering whether the sexuality issue is a contributing factor in changing the general tone of the thread. And I also can't help feeling (based on my own experience) that the OP's apparent smugness might have quite understandable roots in her rather unusual situation, which might make us what to err on the side of kindness.

I'm really only trying to say that. I get the feeling you want me to be very black-and-white here, saying either she's a saint or she's a horror. I'm sorry, but I don't see the point of that.

I totally agree with you OP. I have seen it with my friends. Gay couples split the load far more equally even where there is a stay at home parent. heterosexual couples have a huge tendency to fall into gendered roles and make excuses for the man not to have to do the exhausting stuff. Not exclusively so, but the difference is very pronounced.

(Also: nowhere have I said 'let it slide, and don't take offence'. Have I? You're just making things up now.)

I'm a little surprised that the OP and her wife didn't choose to formula feed, as that way you definitely can split all the night wakings totally equally between parents. That would seem to be a better solution than both waking all the time but only one doing the feeds.

People telling her she isn't her baby's mum - that's homophobic, surely?

Yup.

@LRD I'm not asking you to say anything. You have your opinion that's fine I'm just questioning some of your reasoning.

You've clearly taken personal experience, and transposed this on to OP's post and then come to a conclusion that you are personally attached to. That's fine, but I don't have to agree with it.

I don't see why OP needs sympathy, there is nothing to sympathise with? You don't sympathise with someone when they think the sun shines out of their arse?! Well I don't anyway.

The homophobia in the thread, I'll agree I don't get it either and I often choose to ignore comments that I personally perceive to be goading or trolling. I need not be anyone's internet white knight.

In a nutshell I think OP is boasting and putting others down, you think she's an excited new mum who thinks she's doing the best given her situation as a minority same sex parenting couple.

Both opinions are valid. There, we can agree to disagree 😂

...and thinking the OP is taking about their specific situation?!
OP is quite clearly talking about her specific situation, Julia
Can you really be the only poster on the thread that didn’t get that?

YANBU at all OP, and it's mildly entertaining watching all the straight women get on the defensive. (Yes, okay, #notyournigel)

DP and I had a similar experience. Of the friends we have who had a baby at / around the same time as us, so many of the straight couples entered a timewarp back to the 1950s where the male does fuck all and still gets to go out boozing with his friends, and the female does baby care, household responsibilities, gets up through the night, does all the emotional labour AND makes excuses for why her DH can't be expected to change a nappy once the poor love's been at work all day.

It's very visible and very common inequality.

heterosexual couples have a huge tendency to fall into gendered roles and make excuses for the man not to have to do the exhausting stuff

What rubbish. Comparing dh's day and my day when my dc were small, dh definitely got the short straw. He was up at 6.30am, an hour's commute on a crowded tube into work - work, meetings, dealing with demanding clients all day, short break for lunch. Leave the office at 7.30pm (on a good day), home by 8.30pm.

Me, on the other hand, nap with dd till 9 ish, have breakfast in front of tellytubbies, get dressed, have a play, maybe a walk or toddler group, have lunch, dd would nap (I might too), maybe meet a friend in the afternoon or play at home.

Why do men get such a bad press? If it wasn't for dh working incredibly hard at his job, I wouldn't be able to stay at home. And dh still did what he could around the house when he was there.

I agree with you op.my husband and I split sleep in shifts so we both get a solid 4/5 hour stint. It means we can both cope. I don’t do well on no sleep I get migraines which make me completely unable to care for the baby so I need sleep just as much as he does to perform my ‘job’.

However, when I tell others that we share night feeds people look at me like I’m a complete bitch! Like I’m being unreasonable and selfish. There’s definitely a sense that it’s not acceptable to make theworking parent help at night. Like he is the breadwinner and I’m disrespecting him! I’m still bringing in money on leave!

My baby doesn’t nap during the day well. So I can’t just sleep when he does.plus surely it is. Worse to be sleep deprived at a desk than when I full charge of an infant!

Defensive? Get away with you

There is nothing wrong with gendered roles if it suits the couple in question.

I sort of think you saying I've 'transposed' my situation is exactly as patronising as the OP saying she's cracked parenting in four weeks, TBH.

Sharing an experience with the OP hasn't yet rendered me incapable of rational thought, and unlike you, I've explained my reasoning clearly. All you've done is to attribute to me things I never said, disagree with them, and then tell me I can't think straight cos I sympathise with the OP. So I'm not, like, well chuffed to agree to disagree. I am bored now, though.