To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

Assuming baby’s mum is taking her maternity leave.

30hours, this is the sort of comment that is a bit mean. You know full well the OP is the baby's mum too.

Op says very clearly in her (only) post “I am now back at work”
Isn’t this kind of the whole point?

@sisgal Omg get over yourself. You've been a "mum" for a MONTH and you're on here whinging....ffs, poor kid
Well aren’t you a fucking delight? Really shocking that someone can have views like yours these days and I’m assuming your homophobic posts will be removed soon.

For what it’s worth, I earn 3x that of my Husband.

and how do you suppose and EBF baby has their parents share parental leave? Should the baby starve so that people can share 50% of the responsibility?!

I wasn't planning on starving my EBF when I go back to work and DH takes shared parental leave, but thanks for suggesting that that's the only way it could happen! DS currently has a bottle of expressed milk a day to get him used to it; I'm hoping I'll be able to express enough when I go back to keep EBFing, but if he has to have some formula then then I think it's an ok tradeoff for what I hope we as a family will gain from shared parental leave.

You seem to be 'trying' too hard to be the mother. Why are both of you getting up at night? Ridiculous.

But you can't take it together, it's one or the other, which I've just seen you didn't know.

That isn't actually true - not many people would choose to have two parents at home for six months (one of them unpaid for three of them) and so have the baby go to childcare earlier than necessary, but it's completely possible under the terms of shared parental leave.

I think it's right that both parents put in equally towards raising the child, but this might be in different ways. I think in most cases the lion's share does fall to one parent more than the other, usually the mother. I have four, my partner works full time so it is me at home with the kids and baby, and though my baby son has a great bond with his father, it is me that he wants when he's tired, needs feeding, needs comfort. Because I'm home all day so I'm the person he sees all day, but I think some of it is down to my natural instinct that I would go to my son rather than waiting for his dad to do it as it doesn't come as naturally to his dad as it does to me.

What on Earth is the point of both parents getting up at night?

Ugh. This thread is so depressing. Can't believe the responses the OP is getting for a totally reasonable critique of FREQUENT inequality at home. (And as an aside can't we debate societal issues without people getting outraged and thinking the OP is talking about their specific situation?! ) Of course when both partners are at home all child-care should be shared 50-50. Any other set-up suggests the employed partner's work is more difficult/demanding/stressful than looking after a baby..... which is a view lots of people hold, sometimes overtly, sometimes not - but always wrongly and damagingly IMO.

It all boils down to how little value we place on caring/parenting labour as opposed to eg. sitting in an office labour - and guess what, the fact this value system co-exists with the patriarchy isn't a coincidence!!

Rant over. It just drives me mad that these views are still so widespread and accepted.

Totally agree with you OP - there are like-minded people out there!!

@Oblomov18 OP is the mother. There are two.

Only one gave birth; only one can breastfeed.

Why has this thread suddenly got so much more offensive with all this 'you're not the baby's mum' stuff? There were a couple at the start but now it's every other post! Do all the homophobes knock off work early on a Tuesday and start posting?!

Some jobs are FAR more stressful than being at home with a baby!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar, Is that all mothering is?

@lmcc13 your making we wish you were my wife

My partner does help a lot when he's back from work, he does operate machinery and drives (landscape gardening) so he doesn't do any nights. But I do find I have to ask for him to do the things, which he does with speed and grace, but sometimes it's frustrating that he can't seem to predict the nappy changes/feeding/muslins ect.

There was a very interesting women's hour in a similar vein about womem working & childcare versus men & a brilliant bit about womem not given permission to 'be angry'.

I love my daughter's father, he is a feminist himself and he believes in the same things I do in theory but (there's always that but!) It's not always equal & we women do take on a lot of the emotional and physical responsibilities of raising children.

I am personally ok with this while I'm not working this time round but the fact we are supposed to do it with ever ending patience. It seems taboo to voice that sometimes we are angry about the status quo, and I believe that to be wrong definitely

@LRD well once your combi feeding as long as the non lactating parent is involved in some of the bottle feeds they will adjust, you don't necessarily have to be awake all night to do that, but again it's personal choice if you want to bond at night by helping. But you shouldn't mock or belittle others for not doing it. Which is what others have felt OP has done. Belittled their personal parenting choices on how to share the workload by calling it "apalling".

You can't call someone's choice appaling and not ruffle a few father's then expect everyone to give you a free pass because you are a homosexual.

lmcc13 The feminism or chat sections might be a better place if you want to try discussing this elsewhere. To me, you sound very excited and pleased and maybe overthinking and over judging this a bit and put this on a place known for harsh judgment, but the early weeks aren't known for helping with clear thinking.

As a partial incompetent adult, I think what you're doing for your wife and newborn sounds quite nice. There were many times especially in the early weeks where my spouse helped me get in and out of chairs and bed. There were many nights thereafter when feeding in bed didn't settle our infants that my spouse took them or we were both up with them even during the years when he was he the SAHP. People need and want different levels of help and sometimes it's just nice to do things together.

I know far more mothers who feel overwhelmed and would like more of a hand but are left feeling like they have to put on a brave face and should be able to manage even when they're not - because who wants to be called a helpless invalid for needing or just liking some help? - over those who feel they're getting too much support. Seriously, some of y'all sound some of my smug redneck older relatives who bragged about tying a baby to them to go back into the fields and wringing chicken necks the same day and how soft and pampered mums were since starting to go to hospitals in the '50s-60s. Glad some of you could but no need for some of the things being said to make mothers who need or want more as less adults to discuss that not all mothers want such care. I got how the judgement brought ire, but I don't get why the OP helping and such seemed to bring out so many that needed to prove how strong and didn't need others they are.

lmcc13 Parenting often doesn't hold up to ideological or political ideas of how things should and should not be done very well. Even those who might be doing what you think is 'right' will likely not appreciate it and if/when significant changes happen, it can be harder if you build your parenting identity around such things.

Miladymilord, I totally agree, but I don't think that's got anything to do with the issue. One 'job' shouldn't be to be on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, however stressful the other person's. Home time should be shared regardless.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bgp7xd

30 hours, can't both parents be equal parents? It's not mother and lesser valued parent is it...

@Sleeplikeasloth yes they can. But only one gave birth in this case. So ‘mums maternity leave’ refers to the mother who gave birth. You can be an equal parent but not the mother. I believe birth cerifcates now say ‘other parent’

No. Mother is female parent, father is male parent. Otherwise where does that leave adoptive parents.

This thread really has descended into homphobia now.

It’s not homophobia to point out that the woman who gave birth is the child’s mother. Not adopted mother. Not foster. Not other parent. She is simply the child’s mother.

theactual - as I've said before, I agree the OP's language wasn't on, but I think she is getting a rougher ride than she deserves, and I think many of the comments are not really fair.

I'm obviously not managing to say that in a way that's clear enough, because I thought I'd just made this point before, and you're still posting as if I've never said it!