To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

belina, I really hope you're a troll.

She may sound sanctimonious or provocative or as if she thinks she's solved it all, but I really don't think she is, and I certainly don't think the level of unpleasantness in some replies is fair

I just thought she sounded over the moon happy and extremely loving of her wife and son. I'm actually a bit at the homophobia on this thread.

I also thought she sounded happy.

I can see, to be fair, how people might feel a bit judged. 'Appalled' is a strong word, and I think people jumped on her point about both parents waking at night and thought 'oi! Don't judge me for making a sensible decision about sleep!'

But ... you do sound smug when you are all wrapped up in love for a newborn. Everyone does. The posters on this thread talking about loving solitary night feeds without their partners sound smug too, so do the ones talking about the delights of sharing feeding through formula, and so on and so on.

I don't really follow why this one post has been so picked on, with so many comments that just seem determined to find something mean to say, even if it's about what kinds of bedroom furniture the OP happens to have. And I tend to agree it feels unpleasantly like homophobia.

Also can't help noticing very little outcry at the few openly and unapologetically homophobic comments.

aaah but your a 'little woman' you haven't ot a 'proper job' like a man!;

Not all male spouses

My husband stood behind me with a syringe connected to a tube taped to my breast and squirted a tiny bit of pump milk into our daughter’s mouth every time she sucked. When the 45 minute process was done, I pumped for 20 minutes. Then he sterilized the pump parts and syringe feeder. Then we started started the whole process over again 3 hours from the last start point. We barely slept for days.

As feeding got easier he did the shopping and most of the housework. He was rubbish at comforting the crying baby and we had some strife over that issue, but he definitely worked hard on the home front even though he was the only person working outside the home.

I can see, to be fair, how people might feel a bit judged. 'Appalled' is a strong word, and I think people jumped on her point about both parents waking at night and thought 'oi! Don't judge me for making a sensible decision about sleep!

Yes, I can too, but then I read her post as a quasi-political one about men, women, gender and patriarchy and in the light of numerous past posts on MN from women who complained that their menfolk tended to leave the baby work up to them, signalling the start or exacerbation of a gendered division of labour. I've always found it a bit odd on MN that this can be ranted about as a personal issue (it's happening to me, it's not fair), but not so much a broader political one (it's a gendered pattern).

I am in no doubt the op is happy as a pig in muck a brand new baby is a wonderful bewildering time I just don't understand why the Op felt the need to slate other parents for not doing it right

A lot of homophobia on this thread....

So what were saying is we should all forgiveand ignore OP's strong and emotive writing style calling other parents "apalling" because she's a feminist lesbian?! And obviously didn't mean to put others down, she's just so amazing and in in love 😂

And I'll just ignore my mixed-race husband's negative behaviour because he's black, because black people feel judged and his poor opinions shouldn't be challenged because he feels judged by society 😂 sure....

Btw if Ihave come across homophobic I apologise it wasn't my intention however I am allowed to disagree with the Op intent am I not ?

Not everyone feels smug (smug? Seriously?) enough to start a thread lamenting the fact that most people aren’t getting it as right as they are, LRD?
I think your similar circumstances to the op is making you a little less objective than those who took the op at face value.
And she really doesn’t come across well, whatever her motivation in starting this thread.

So when you back to work op? Your two weeks leave should be well gone by now.

Assuming baby’s mum is taking her maternity leave.

Eurgh. I also found the OP irritating (I have a baby just a little older than hers and I don't really need another person telling me I'm doing it all wrong!) but this thread has now descended into open and really unpleasant homophobia. The OP never said she was 'better' because she's a lesbian - her whole point was that many dads could do everything she's doing and don't. Whether or not you agree with her, to suggest she isn't a real parent is offensive and idiotic.

I'd quite like to be married to you, OP. Sounds like you're being just lovely.
Just do what suits you and makes you and your wife and baby happy.

30hours Perhaps they're sharing parental leave? I wish more couples would.

@lannieduck shared parental leave can’t be taken at the same time I believe. So unless baby’s mum is back at work 4 weeks postnatal then OP must either be at work or on annual leave?

Really? I thought it could. I could easily be wrong tho - we just missed out on it with ours :(

@LannieDuck and how do you suppose and EBF baby has their parents share parental leave? Should the baby starve so that people can share 50% of the responsibility?!

Parenting is not a one solution fits all!

@lannieduck isn’t suggesting babies starve to enable shared parental leave! Cop on to yourself! She suggested it as a reason as to the OP not being at work.

Huh? Plenty of women finish maternity leave and continue EBFing. There have been threads on here about it. Most involve a SAHD bringing baby to Mum at lunch time, and Mum expressing at other points of the day.

Please note I never suggested one solution to fit all. I simply suggested that shared parental leave might be an explanation for why OP is still on leave.

To be appalled at how others choose to parent their children is a bit of an overreaction.
As you said both getting up during the night works for you, the majority of parents would find this unnecessary, nothing to do with the division of childcare.
You said each to their own, you obviously don't mean that or you wouldn't be appalled when parents dare to parent differently to you.

Iam, I'm sure my personal stake affects me. However, I've not suggested we ignore the way the OP writes, and I've several times now said she does sound a bit smug.

If people had simply taken issue with that, I would shrug. But that's not the way the thread went. It's become much nastier, with people seeming intent on finding irrelevancies to slate the OP with (like asking her what a 'nursing chair' is), or ignoring openly homophobic comments.

theactual - not that it perhaps matters, but I know people who shared parental leave with a baby who was EBF for the first few months and then combination fed once weaning started at 6 months. I can imagine that, in that situation, it might be helpful for the non-birth partner to have a closer role at night time, or the baby might be a bit awkward to settle later on.

Well, my two offspring were born in the early seventies era,, and it wasn't a case of, oh, its all the birth Mother's responsibility to do everything. My husband had a very demanding job, and I always enjoyed doing most things. Things like getting up in the night, and being tired all the time, were not a big issue. Of course my husband would change nappies, and bottle feed our children, when after 5 months or so i could not BF anymore, but all in all, it was a lovely time for both of us. All stress free, doing what each of us had to do !

I don't know what a nursing chair is really,!! I sometimes used to sit on the floor feeding my babies, with my little dog by my side ha ha.

But you can't take it together, it's one or the other, which I've just seen you didn't know. That's why I said to you an EBF baby may struggle, can you imagine if the non lactating parent took over months 3-6 that would mean a lot of trips to mums work still with a 12 week old?