Allowing 8 year old to see birth of her baby sibling?

[hibbledibble]

I'm pregnant and my eldest DC has expressed that she would like to be there for the delivery.

All my previous deliveries have been straightforward, and I have coped well with the pain.

This time I'm planning a home birth, and the midwives are not opposed to her being there. They have said it is up to us.

This is definitely our last baby too, so her last chance to see a sibling being born.

I'm not sure if the idea is entirely crazy, or a wonderful thing to do.

Aibu to let her see the birth? As it is a home birth she can go to her room and read if she finds it too much.

This for real?

My 5 and 8 year old nieces are OBSESSED with one born every minute and would LOVE to see a real birth, but that being said - without being rude, they could get in the way so to speak.

My oldest 2 were present during the birth of their youngest sister (they were 4 and 6 at the time.) We had not planned it this way but I had prepared them for the fact that when the baby comes out mummy will be in pain but its a good pain as it to help bring out the baby.

The plan had been for them to go to my friends house however I labored over night and slowly so we did not get ourselves together to call friend (wanting her to sleep the night etc) then suddenly l was pushing and dd1 & 2 came into the room.

dd2 has no memory of it what so ever dd1 (now age 20) recalls waking up worrying she was late for school. Then recall watching tv for a while and finally recalls a tiny pink thing on my chest (she wasn't that tiny) and something in a bowl (the placenta) plus going to school proudly telling her teacher that she had a new sister.

They however were both right there as they walked in just as I started pushing and it took 2 pushes and dd3 was born.

DS age 2 was in the lounge next door watching Toystory (obviously more important)

I had not planned for them to be present as I said however I have no regrets of them being so. Clearly the children were not traumatised either as dd1 recalls it as a joyous occasion.

If you are comfortable with it op and there is a back up for someone to be with your dd I do not see a issue with it Just talk her through what will happen so she understands.

Not RTFT.

My nearly-6yo was at DC2's birth, and it worked out well. Planned home birth, my mum came round to be my birth partner, my sister - who DS is very close to - came to look after him, with a view to play things by ear and take him to a different room or back to hers if he wanted to or if she judged that he/I needed that to happen. In the event it was fine and lovely and we are both pleased he was there. No trauma. It was a very relaxed birth, attended by two lovely, quietly warm and supportive midwives, and in between contractions it just felt like a nice cosy family gathering really.

You are best placed to judge what your child can cope with - mine is a bit of a sensitive soul in many ways but he's also quite serious and sensible and I knew that he'd probably be very much ok with the birth if it was much like my previous one (which it was). I also absolutely trusted my sister to make the right calls for him and to be able to quickly and kindly get him out of there if it became necessary, and to explain to him anything which confused or frightened him, so I could completely switch off from mothering and focus on the birth.

Fuck no.
And even as a 'rehearsal' who in their right mind would subject an 8 year old to those poor women and their assorted grim hangers on who pass as entertainment on OBEM

I would not let my child watch OBEM.

I did let my child watch me give birth.

It was absolutely wonderful. DC1 is a teen now and loves talking about watching Dc2 born. I am really pleased I was able to give my (female) child a positive experience of birth as an everyday thing. Not something hidden, to be worried about, something real to offset the ridiculous childbirth portrayals in fiction. She is a very practical and level headed DC, then and now. She was happy to be there and I was happy to have here there. That’s really all that matters.

chankly that's lovely. How old was your dd when she saw you give birth?

Mrskeats
I too was hoping this wasn't for real. And then a poster after you actually seemed proud that her nieces aged 5 and 8 are OBSESSED with the circus that is OBEM, as if that's something to be proud of ffs.
They should be in bed by the time it's on anyway, but if they're deliberately showing it to them on catch up or whatever then they should be fucking well ashamed of themselves.

Fully agree punk
I find the idea so creepy and weird.

I had my youngest in March at home .
My 8 and 6 year olds were freely coming in and out of my bedroom but my 3 year old was too busy watching tv .
They were fascinated and old enough to remember me being in labour with the 3 yo .
They went to school the next day and told their teachers that they had saw a placenta - no mention of the baby 😂

Some lovely stories about children watching their mum give birth.

Goes to show in the right circumstance, it can be warm and wonderful experience for the whole family.

Some really dramatic posters on this thread.

And when it goes wrong?

Given how many posts there are on the pregnancy boards discussing nervousness, anxiety, worry about giving birth - and these are from normal adult women who are actually pregnant - I don’t think you can really assume which children will be okay with seeing a birth. I’d be inclined to think of the not-best-scenarios and how difficult thet might be for a child to witness, and how the Mum and dad might subsequently regret not being able to give the child the comfort and reassurance needed in the moment. It’d be a no for me. Childbirth is for adults, and many adults male and female find it traumatic.

It is absolutely a lovely and important moment when older siblings meet a new baby, but sibling bonds wax and wane over the years, so I wouldn’t invest too much in whether they meet the baby two minutes or two days after birth. It’s all special.

Absolutely not. My actual labours were short and fine, but the issues arose once the babies' emerged.

I had one birth where the baby was barely born alive and was immediately whisked away to NICU, and another labour where I was the one whisked away as I was literally minutes from dying and was surrounded by heaps of blood as I haemorrhaged.

There's no way I'd want to subject a young(ish) child to that. It was bad enough for my poor husband, and he's a rational mature adult.

No

It was absolutely wonderful. DC1 is a teen now and loves talking about watching Dc2 born. I am really pleased I was able to give my (female) child a positive experience of birth as an everyday thing. Not something hidden, to be worried about, something real to offset the ridiculous childbirth portrayals in fiction.

But many births are not wonderful. Many women do have very traumatic births, that do make them worry for future births, they are real, not just portrayed in fiction !

I am glad you had a good experience, but unfortunately it's not the case for many women.

I wouldn't let a child of that age be there for the birth. Even if your past experiences have been good, it's not a guarantee for this one. If your sister does have to quickly take your child away because there is a problem, I would imagine your child would be aware something is wrong and may be very distressed.

I would. My 9 year old was present, and again when she was 11. She was great. She made us all cupcakes in the mid stages of labour.

My friend was 15 when she was her mums birth partner. In hospital. She unexspectantly had a major haemorage and crashed. Luckily drs where able to push friend away and rush her mum into theatre.

But those few seconds where enough to give my friend ptsd.

She always really wanted her own children. But is so terrorfied over thought labour shes debating it.

In hind sight she and her mother wish she wasnt there.

The potential benefits she may get from being present at the birth are outweighed by the risks IMO.

12-13 years ago, this was a craze and the thing to do in Mumsnet, lots of toddlers watching siblings being born.

I thought it was a bad idea back then and I continue to think so. I don’t see anything lovely in seeing a woman in horrible pain, possibly hemorraging (as I did) and with a child being brutally pulled by forceps and a team of doctors and nurseswaiting for the baby ready to resuscitate him.

Having said that... that is probably a much better scenario than seeing such drama unfolding at home. It is all about chances, I suppose.

Best of luck.

Being thankful I was able to give here a good experience does not mean that I assume everyone has a good experience. I understand there are all types of birth. I am pleased that mine went well, lucky that they we pre good experiences, and agree you cannot tell in advance.

I just asked DD about her experience of the birth. She says it was “nice” I know it isn’t a glowing recommendation but she’s not the waxing lyrical type. She said of other children attending that if they choose it that is fine, and says that it made her less worried about giving birth herself in the future (if she chooses to) because she she has seen it done. She was 7 when Dc2 was born.

I feel that preparing my child throughly for being there during the birth was the responsible thing to do, and that not doing so risked her being quickly taken away and feeling worried and traumatised by that. I labour quickly. I was going to labour at home. Family live hours away. There was every possibility that I would labour so quickly she might have been my only attendant. Or the one who had to call for help. If we had been aiming to get her out of the house for the birth she could have ended up being woken in the middle of the night by a parenting emergency mode and driven to a friends as a matter of urgency and left there without much knowledge of what was happening. Her first experience of her sibling could have been that it took her away from her parents. My OH might have missed the birth if he left during labour. I absolutely had a responsibility to educate her about what happens during birth and to prepare her. So I did, and when I did she asked to be there. With many rooms in our home, and an adult attendant for her, she was able to be - in and out. And thankfully I laboured slowly enough to have a midwife present. But there are many ways of traumatising a child during childbirth - for some the easiest way would be to let them watch, for other children, the easiest way would be to separate them from their parents, not give them any information, and let them imagine what’s happening instead. Just because children being taken away from the nuclear family at the birth of a new baby is ‘normal’ for our society doesn’t mean they understand it any better or that is feels normal for them to be removed just as something crucial happens. The traumatic removal seems to be what you are worrying about, above, yet not having the option to be present seems to guarantee it.

I think it is important to know there is no right answer to this question - I would not advocate this for all children, families, births - just as I would ask anyone saying no way to realise that it isn’t as black and white as that for everyone.

The MN world will be divided on this, just as it is on home birthing (I did one home, 1 hospital and know which I'd prefer).

i do think that some of you are missing the point - it's not just watching, it's about participating, experiencing and sharing one of the most incredible and primal events that make us human. it's not just standing in a corner watching your mum scream, it's about talking to her, helping her, being immersed in the love and amazing experience that birth can be.

In terms of practicalities yes absolutely be prepared to get her out of there if it gets too much or there are complications.

and yes, it's painful but helping a girl child to see that the pain can be managed, and that it's a natural part of the process can remove fear, rather than create it - but they do need to be properly prepared and reassured at the time. my DD, now 19 is looking forward to having a baby and has a brilliant attitude to it after being there to see her brother born.

And those of you who have given birth, think back to the immediate days after when you looked back and thought 'did i really do that? omg that was incredible! (even if it was a rubbish birth like my 1st it still seemed pretty miraculous to me). imagine sharing a bit of that with your daughter. wow.

Honestly I find it bizarre that so many people think this is acceptable. A young child really does not need to see this and I'm guessing whatever 'benefit' comes from it is for the mother and not for the child.

lightlypoached How is an 8 year old going to be able to actively participate and help her mother? It's too much to put on her. There are several stories on this thread of teenagers being traumatised by this, so a young child should not be exposed to it. She's just too young imo.

I’d let her. Ds1 and dd seen me labour before they went to school when I was having their little brother at home. Dd was 6 and ds1 was 4. I don’t make any noise in labour, none of my births have been traumatic for me and while it is painful if I’m honest I’ve felt worse but if I’d been crying or screamed because I fell and broke my leg would that somehow be more acceptable for them to see.
Ds1 couldn’t give a rats ass what I was doing he went between me and the tv dd would run my back during a contraction. Neither was interested in staying they were more excited about going to school and nursery to tell al their friends their brother was on the way.

You know your dd best. Both of mine had seen the programmes on discovery home and health of births and I was a lot calmer and quieter than a lot of those.