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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Allowing 8 year old to see birth of her baby sibling?

292 replies

hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 09:07

I'm pregnant and my eldest DC has expressed that she would like to be there for the delivery.

All my previous deliveries have been straightforward, and I have coped well with the pain.

This time I'm planning a home birth, and the midwives are not opposed to her being there. They have said it is up to us.

This is definitely our last baby too, so her last chance to see a sibling being born.

I'm not sure if the idea is entirely crazy, or a wonderful thing to do.

Aibu to let her see the birth? As it is a home birth she can go to her room and read if she finds it too much.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/09/2018 18:11

Absolutely not for me.

I imagine people will think you're really weird and if my 8yo DC told me this about her friend...I'd think the parents were crazy...assuming I actually believed it.

It would make me question their whole parenting style.

serbska · 03/09/2018 18:24

No no no no NO WAY

Your birthing partners focus needs to be on you, not on the 8 year old.

What if something goes wrong?

What if nothing goes wrong but you labour for 24 hours and she gets tired/board?

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 03/09/2018 18:25

Mist definitely not. My last labour started like the others and ended with me haemorrhaging and in icu. It was my 4th, there was no indication it would happen. Anything can happen in labour.

mindutopia · 03/09/2018 18:27

No reason not to give her the option. My older one was home for her brother’s birth (she was 5). She wanted to be there and it’s very normal in our family. She was born at home and knows a lot about birth and we prepared her for all possibilities (including if there was an emergency). We had a doula and our doula mostly kept her entertained and talked to her about everything. She wasn’t actually in the room as I wanted to be alone, but she was just out on the landing and came in to see us when he was about 2 minutes old. It was great. It’s such a special memory for her and she wasn’t phased by it. She went around telling everyone about all the blood that went everywhere! It was definitely the best option for us and I wouldn’t have wanted her anywhere else.

I would just make sure she has a quiet space to go to if she wants a break and someone there who can go with her (so not your partner).

mama17 · 03/09/2018 18:39

I'm not sure she may either love it or scar her for life. Also seeing her mum in so much pain. Only you know your daughter, good luck either way 😊

divadee · 03/09/2018 19:02

I had my eldest daughter there for my youngest last year (admittedly she was 20 at the time). She asked to be there and I was surprised as she is quite squeamish.

I have to say one if the most powerful moments is looking up from my lounge floor as I was just pushing the baby out to see my eldest crying in happiness at her new baby sister. The midwives commented on it for days and days. It was a beautiful moment.

divadee · 03/09/2018 19:04

I should of added I had a pph at my home birth and lost 6.5 pints of blood and was rushed in to hospital. I still wouldn't change my mind about home births though. So calm and just how I wanted it to be for the actual birth.

memememum · 03/09/2018 19:05

I think it's a perfectly natural eventuality to prepare for. Also prepare for other options in case things don't go to plan (eg emergency childcare etc).
There's a lovely book called "hello baby" by Jenni Overend. Which is a children's story book but realistic in detail and pictures.

Gottagetmoving · 03/09/2018 19:06

I imagine people will think you're really weird and if my 8yo DC told me this about her friend...I'd think the parents were crazy...assuming I actually believed it. It would make me question their whole parenting style

And me yours .... Grin

MarthasGinYard · 03/09/2018 19:10

'People think nothing of children watching and playing violent video games, but seem squeamish about childbirth.

Bloody hell

'Children' shouldn't be witnessing eitherConfused

hendal · 03/09/2018 19:11

Haven’t rtft. My sister and I were present at our brothers birth. We were 4(DS) and 10(me). Hands down the most amazing experience of my life. We were there to see our brother come into the world and take his first breath. And I bawled my eyes out, I was so happy! Wasn’t thrilled to see Mum in pain but she’d already explained to us both that birth was painful but largely forgotten once the baby is born.

The hospital was fine with us being there but our Granma was there to keep an eye on us 2.

Carrrotsandcauliflower · 03/09/2018 19:12

I think it’s a nice idea, I’d just have a plan incase she wants to leave or you have to leave etc.

Rabbitjam · 03/09/2018 19:16

Have a birth partner just for her so you don't have to worry about her, make sure they can drive just in case they need to take her elsewhere, have an over night bag packed for her. My then 2.5 year old saw her sister being born, and it was wonderful, she absolutely loved it. I had my sil here to look after dd1.

Fatted · 03/09/2018 19:18

Nope, nope, nope.

It's enough to worry about focusing on delivering the baby without having to worry about whether or not my other children there are comfortable.

Luglio · 03/09/2018 19:19

Depends. Did you let her watch the moment of conception?

notacooldad · 03/09/2018 19:23

Those that are saying let her watch OBEM are I feel, misguided. There a huge difference between watching a programme where you can switch off and being emotional involved and watching what us happening to your mum.

Original poster
hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 19:30

Hmmm. Eldest DD got upset today seeing her sister have her vaccinations, which makes me now think this wouldn't be a good idea. It surprised me as I wouldn't usually have thought of her as the sensitive type.

OP posts:
FlipnTwist · 03/09/2018 19:44

No .Thorouhly inappropriate on so many levels.
You remind me of 'The Modern Parents' in Viz

Fredthespider · 03/09/2018 20:17

I was 9 when my sister was born at home. My older sister and I went in and out of the room through the labour and as it started to ramp up we left the room. We were let back in after my mum had delivered her head so didn't see the worst bit really, my Gran was also there so could take us away if needed. It didn't traumatise me at all, I went on to train as a nurse, my older sister wanted to be a midwife but never got the grades. I'm not sure what would have happened or how I would have felt if things hadn't gone so smoothly though and that would be my concern.

Pixie2015 · 03/09/2018 21:31

DS was a similar age when I was due to give birth he asked to come and watch so we said no problem but first he had to watch a baby being born on tv (one born every minute) and be prepared to wait 12 hours - he watched one birth on the program and decided he would wait till after the baby was clean and dressed - the look on his face when the baby came out was of pure horror - do what’s right for your family I knew it wouldn’t be right for son

FourOnTheHill · 03/09/2018 21:34

DS saw DD being born at home. He doesn’t appear to be scarred for life! I am surprised by the lack of support here, if you and she are happy about it then why on earth not!

SoupDragon · 03/09/2018 21:39

Those that are saying let her watch OBEM are I feel, misguided. There a huge difference between watching a programme where you can switch off and being emotional involved and watching what us happening to your mum.

It’s not misguided. Of course it isn’t the same but, unless you have a film of yourself giving birth, it’s as close as you’ll get.

Izzadoraduncancan · 03/09/2018 21:41

My DD (6 at the time) begged the obstetrician to allow her to hold the knife during the c-section. Obviously, with a grin we declined her kind offer but if I was having a homebirth I absolutely would have allowed her in the room with an adult dedicated to her care and able to remove her if it was too much for her or she was irritating me with questions.
She did almost end up at her next siblings birth. She made it as far as the labour ward and was as cool as a cucumber aged 8. She was so interested in everything.

user1471426142 · 03/09/2018 21:53

divadee - 6.5 pints! Bloody hell, that is terrifying. That is not the sort of PPH I’d want to have been at home for. Did it take a long time to recover? I’m glad you at least had the nice experience before that.

Back to the original point- I wouldn’t personally have a child watching out of choice. My family don’t have good births and my first was pretty vile. My husband was scared in parts and still doesn’t really like talking about it. I’d be worried that if a grown up could feel that, a child would have more intense emotions. If I’d had one of the nice calm births you hear about I might have felt differently.

Gitfeatures · 03/09/2018 21:58

"I'll try with some YouTube videos which I will watch first to check suitability, and take it from there."

Check suitability? You won't be able to do this for the real deal.
Seeing your mother in pain is horrendous, no matter what your understanding is. She's no going to have that post-birth elation that supposedly makes you forget how horrendous it all was - it is going to stay with her. I don't see what her being there is going to achieve.