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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Allowing 8 year old to see birth of her baby sibling?

292 replies

hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 09:07

I'm pregnant and my eldest DC has expressed that she would like to be there for the delivery.

All my previous deliveries have been straightforward, and I have coped well with the pain.

This time I'm planning a home birth, and the midwives are not opposed to her being there. They have said it is up to us.

This is definitely our last baby too, so her last chance to see a sibling being born.

I'm not sure if the idea is entirely crazy, or a wonderful thing to do.

Aibu to let her see the birth? As it is a home birth she can go to her room and read if she finds it too much.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 04/09/2018 19:13

There are no benefits of putting a 7/8 year old through this

There are actually lots of benefits but firstly, you don't 'put them through it'
If a child is genuinely interested and wants to be there, you assess whether they will cope with it. You talk about it and explain everything. You plan for the possibility they may change their mind at some point.
If you view birth as a negative process, if you are anxious or worried yourself, then no, it's a bad idea.
There are women who don't fear labour and approach it differently.

VerbenaGirl · 04/09/2018 19:13

My DD loved watching One Born Every Minute with me at that age. Don't think there are any issues is she wants to and the midwife is happy. It's a normal natural thing, and you're at home - so she doesn't have to stay in the room if she doesn't want to.

GorgonLondon · 04/09/2018 19:30

If you view birth as a negative process, if you are anxious or worried yourself, then no, it's a bad idea.

I don't view sex as a 'negative process' but I don't think that should be happening in front of children either.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 04/09/2018 19:34

A teenager... My bloody exhusband was traumatised about the whole experience, but then, he said it was the most brutal thing he had ever seen and he couldn’t understand why somebody would like to put a child in the room through it.

He wasn’t squirming at all, it is just that he was there when things got terribly wrong.

MuggleStudies · 04/09/2018 19:50

Ick.

Do we need to involve our children in absolutely everything we do Hmm

Couldn’t think of anything worse then having a child there. Got enough to worry about without worrying about traumatising the fuck out of her.

Mayble088 · 04/09/2018 21:06

I had a home birth with my third daughter in the pool. Both my daughters were present ages 5 and 8 years. I had no pain relief and my mum was here as back up Incase we felt the girls were distressed or Incase of transfer. They came in for the second stage and were completely fine and to this day adore their baby sister and look back on the experience positively.

I wouldn’t change it and have no regrets. I think it’s down to the individual and the children. With a pool birth there isn’t a great amount to be seen. It was a lovely bonding process for our family.

Hope this helps :)

ChanklyBore · 04/09/2018 21:29

Maybe the adults who find birth very shocking the first time they witness it or do it would not find it so, or would be better equipped to cope if they had seen births before and understood them as a normal part of life? (And the first time I saw it i found it shocking although not entirely in a negative sense so I include myself in that number)

bowtieandheels · 04/09/2018 23:47

Absolutely. I’m the eldest of 4 and watched all 3 of my siblings being born, all home births. I was 7 for the second one and 11 for the last. It was an amazing experience and made me feel totally confident when it came to having my own theee children, also all home births. Go for it!

Nearly47 · 05/09/2018 07:07

It could put her off
having a baby herself. It can be terrifying when things go wrong. Having to be rushed to csection, baby needing resuscitation, etc I wouldn't. My husband was with me and nearly fainted.

Iseveryusernametaken · 05/09/2018 07:28

Personally, no. I have an 8 yo DD and she's very naive and innocent. She's also very bright though and would be very enquiring. I had her by CS and she therefore has no concept of natural birth. She knows the scar on mummy's tummy is where she came out from. I don't think she's ready for the 'facts of life' talk yet, although I don't think I have much longer before I need to explain menstruation. I had to gloss over what 'sanitary protection' was the other day when she read it in a hotel toilet. I just don't think any child who still believes in santa and the tooth fairy should have to deal with such realities of life yet. In many ways, I think it would be less controversial for a much younger child to be there because it would involve less explanation.

oldgimmer78 · 05/09/2018 07:30

I personally wouldn't consider this. Even if you are good pain wise the moaning/groaning/panting would have been really frightening to me as a child.

In my first labour the woman in the next room was making so much noise that it terrified me.

WickedWitchOfTheWest83 · 05/09/2018 10:05

I think it’s a lovely idea! I’d love to do this if I could but my so far only delivery was horrific and nearly killed me and my son, so the next one will have to be planned out carefully but probably still end up with an emergency c-section again - therefore I wouldn’t want to risk dc seeing that. But yours sound fine, so I hope it all goes well and it will be a magical time for you all! Good luck ❤️

Goth237 · 05/09/2018 11:22

Just no, OP. She could very easily find the situation traumatising. There will be blood and I'm sure, no matter how well you cope with the pain, it will be obvious that you're in pain. It's a bad idea. Please don't do it.

headinhands · 05/09/2018 11:24

Do we need to involve our children in absolutely everything we do

Is anyone suggesting that children should watch their parents have sex?

You're being deliberately ridiculous.

Bashun · 05/09/2018 17:54

Wow, how weird to avoid the realities of life. It's LIFE! Have your daughter there and don't ever seek consensus From outsiders regarding the realties of nature be they birth or death. Your first instincts are usually the correct one. Congratulations on your baby by the way

Gottagetmoving · 05/09/2018 17:55

I don't view sex as a 'negative process' but I don't think that should be happening in front of children either

You are likening watching sex with childbirth? Grin

Sakura7 · 05/09/2018 18:09

8 year olds don't need to be exposed to all of the realities of life just yet, let them be kids!

GorgonLondon · 05/09/2018 18:20

@Gottagetmoving You are likening watching sex with childbirth? grin

Er, no.

But thanks for the misleading bollocks distortion of what I said.

I was responding to someone who said that it was fine to expose children to it "because it's a natural process" and "part of life".

It's fairly obvious that there are plenty of natural processes that are part of life that children shouldn't witness if it's at all avoidable.

It seems to be a way of scoring 'woke' points without any real thought about what it's like from the child's point of view.

Even adults have experienced PTSD from witnessing childbirth - why would anyone choose to put a child through that if they didn't have to?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/why-the-trauma-of-childbirth-on-fathers-is-no-joke-8572222.html

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/fatherhood/meet-the-men-who-got-ptsd-from-seeing-their-partners-give-birth/

Children are frightened and made insecure if they see their authority figures reduced to helplessness, out of control, disempowered. They are traumatised by witnessing pain, medical emergencies or death.

No one who is thinking of their child's perspective FIRST AND FOREMOST, rather than their own self-satisfaction for the 'coolest' birth experience, would do this.

Bashun · 05/09/2018 18:36

I'm sorry could you speak up? We can't hear from all the way back in the Victorian era. You equate bringing life into the world with fornicating in front of a child? The comparison is moronic. All because it involves a vagina? Yeah, let's make young females MORE apprehensive about their bodies especially their most Intimates of areas. Let's let them continue to believe babies come out the belly button (navel) just so we can infantilize them just a little bit longer....yeah, that sounds like a great idea... NOT!

Gottagetmoving · 05/09/2018 18:43

GorgonLondon

Children are at risk of being traumatised by being over protected. Most births are straightforward. You seem to view childbirth as a trauma.
We aren't talking about forcing children to watch a birth. It's about a child who has an interest in seeing a baby sibling being born. You wouldn't just let a child do that without a lot of preparation. It IS a natural and positive process.
You certainly wouldn't wait until the actual event and surprise the child with blood curdling screams!

Bashun · 05/09/2018 18:45

When did it become good parenting to avoid teaching children reality? Life joy, Life is pain life is ups and life has downs. Stoppit with the myth of a pain free utopian childhood where you get everything you wish for and the sun shines every day (sigh). It's a disservice to them not to show the beauty of childbirth because prudish people fear the sight of their own genitals and consider them trauma causing. People experience pain, as long as they know mommy is doing fine and the experience is worth having that beautiful brother or sister that's coming. If you experience PTSD over any and every life experience you have deeper issues about yourself than about childbirth. Children are more resilient than you want to believe. Deal with it.

Sakura7 · 05/09/2018 18:46

Bashun That is a massive misinterpretation of what the poster said.

What on earth is wrong with letting children be children?

Also if you read the OP's last update she decided against it because her daughter had a really bad reaction to seeing her sibling get an injection. If she can't cope with that, it doesn't seem sensible to have her witness childbirth!

RubiksQueen · 05/09/2018 18:51

I did a project on this when I was training as a midwife and I've been at lots of births where siblings have been present. All the research says that if the child is prepared, has someone there to support them specifically, is allowed to leave if they want, that being present is a positive experience for them.

I'd have no problem with it. I didn't train recently so it isn't some new 'woke' (bleugh) thing. If the child wants to be there and you're happy then go for it.

That's based on evidence and not just one person having an opinion about something totally different (badly informed unsupported men having PTSD for instance)

GorgonLondon · 05/09/2018 19:32

@Bashun Yeah, let's make young females MORE apprehensive about their bodies especially their most Intimates of areas. Let's let them continue to believe babies come out the belly button (navel) just so we can infantilize them just a little bit longer....yeah, that sounds like a great idea... NOT!

What a load of stupid, unjustified, rambling, cretinous, irrelevant, irritating bullshit.

My daughter knows how babies are made and how they are born.

She knows the correct names and functions for all parts of her anatomy.

She knows that it's fine for her to have sexual relationships with men, women, or no one, when she's old enough.

None of which means that she should have to sit through the experience of an adult woman giving birth while she is still a child.

Bashun · 05/09/2018 19:53

And your child won't. Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is power. It's ok my child will be empowered and yours blissful. See, it's win win .