You need to teach your boys life skills

[necromumda]

Do we? (well yes, obv, but specifically I mean?)

Following on from the "isn't he good" thread and as a result of a conversation with MIL, I was wondering why we feel the need to emphasise teaching boys.

(Note here, I do not mean they should be waited on and believe they need to be independent and self-caring obviously)

MIL was saying to me the other day that I need to "start teaching DS life skills like - how to iron, how to boil an egg" etc. etc.

While I agree that any person of any gender should be able to do these things, I have NO recall of actually ever being walked through this or "taught" this as a girl.

How did you (females) learn these skills? Were you "taught" or instructed or did you just learn from having to just start doing them?

Why do we feel we need to walk boys through these tasks and just assume girls will pick them up? Or do we?

Oh and if a toy runs out of batteries, he gets the screwdriver, unscrews the battery compartment, takes the old ones out and puts new ones in again. I think he will be just fine.

MIL was saying to me the other day that I need to "start teaching DS life skills like - how to iron, how to boil an egg" etc. etc.

Has she also suggested the same to her son?

I had a lot of chores growing up - and as the eldest, I definitely did more than my siblings (and I have one of each sex). I don't specifically remember being taught by my mum (or dad) but I guess I learned from watching her. We also did some stuff in brownies.

My brother'S housekeeping skills were dreadful when he first had his own place, though he's way more houseproud than me now.

We have a DS and I'm really conscious of teaching him skills around the house. DH is teaching him how to cook. There's no way I'm raising a man child that relies on a future female partner to pick up after him!

I wasn't taught anything by my parents. At 19 I moved out and in with my now ex-h. He taught me to cook, do washing etc. I was completely bloody useless! I have no idea why my parents didn't make me do any of this stuff while I still lived at home. I'm still crap at housework now.

I've made sure my kids can work the washing machine, tumble drier, dishwasher etc and can cook basic meals.

NapQueen spot on!

I learnt how to cook from my Grandad and TV. I learnt how to clean from How clean is your house? and other TV and I learned how to keep on top of cleaning from youtube.
I come from a house that could of been on how clean is your house?
As an adult I really struggled with keeping my home tidy and clean. It is only since having DD that I've learned how to keep on top of everything, though I still really struggle if I have to go off of routine even for a day.

I think some skills they’ll pick up and other skills you actively teach them and that largely depends on how old they are when they first do them. I taught my 6 year old how to make toast, it was largely teaching him about safety aspects of it because it’s hardly rocket science. We bake cakes etc with both boys.

I don’t think I’d treat girls any differently than boys when it comes to learning these sorts of life skills. And I don’t think there is any risk of kids seeing certain things as “women’s work” these days because most parents both do a bit of everything and are capable of that. It’s been decades since it was the norm for a man to live with his mum until he married his wife so most men (and women) have been self sufficient for a good while before they have kids.

I have DS 4, I will be teaching him important skills as he's grows up, he will be taught the importance of tidying up after himself (something DH can't seem to manage, most of the time) he will grow up being told that when he has his own house, and he's in a relationship not to leave everything to his partner, but to share in chores equally! My MIL unfortunately comes from a generation where she still believes in 'women's jobs' it infuriates me, as it's probably why DH can be such a slob, even though he's nearly 40 - he still throws clothes on the floor, leaves cupboard doors open, forgets what a fucking bin is used for, he's an overgrown teenager at times. DS will not be growing up an annoying his partner with that crap 😂

No one really taught me, I picked it up along the way. My Grandma was once saying to Mum "Shouldn't we teach her how to make soup?" and Mum, bless her, said "No fucking way. She'll get enough of that shit in the entire lifetime after getting married".

I am not as good at sewing as my Mum but I always watched her doing that.

I was taught how to use the washing machine and iron etc and I started to help my mum with the cooking.

My MIL has treated my DP like a PFB for his whole life and as a result he is one of those men who can't seem to do any cooking or chores. People need to stop babying their sons because nobody wants a useless husband who can't/won't pull their weight.

My older brothers were all taught to be independent and how to clean and look after themselves whereas I wasn't and my mum did everything for me. Her reasoning - that I would likely marry and end up looking after a man for the rest of my life so she wanted to give me a break, and wanted my brothers to be better husbands.

The reality was that I was really lazy as I grew up (and still can be) and it took me a longer time to work everything out when I did move out (and I left at 15).

We teach our dd and will also teach ds, gender is irrelevant.

My dad taught me to iron and to sew (basic mending) my mum is rubbish at both. Dad also taught me to use a drill, change a tyre and how to cook a mean liver and bacon. Other things I've picked up via common sense or working in kitchens when I was a student.

My boys automatically know that when they leave the table they take their bowls, scrape them out and then put them in the dishwasher.

When they're tall enough (they're 7 & 4) they will wash the big pots that don't fit in the dishwasher and take in turns to wash, dry and put away.

I plan on drilling it into them so hard that they do it without thinking. Because when they're older, no way will I ever have poor DILs who have to live with manchildren. I'm raising my sons to know how to run a home and look after it, to know that their partner isn't there to pick up after them, just like I'm not.

DS1 also knows how to load the washing machine and he cleans the bathroom (I don't make him, he just likes to, the weirdo). I'm encouraging all chores he likes to do frankly. He's getting kids kitchen knives for his 7th birthday in a few weeks, he's going to learn to make spaghetti bolognese from start to finish apparently.

I was taught by our housekeeper. Granny / mother for cooking. Father for DIY and basic car mechanics. Our (brother, sister and my) first car was a very old Landrover. Mechanically simple so we could attempt repairing it.

All very non-sexist as my brother is equally good at 'wife-work'.

My parents were well into teaching a growth mindset before it was even a thing. Have a go. How hard can it be. Learn from trying etc.

There was an article in the newspapers (I am in the US so it may have been over here) recently with a national survey showing how much time men and women spend on housework. There was also evidence that parents ask children to do different tasks depending on gender. That has really spurred me to make sure all my kids are doing ALL the different household tasks and spending the same amount of time doing them. Our girls are 17 and 15 and our son is 12. My DH is great and does everything around the house so he is a good role model for all the children. DH and I talked and we just make sure for example if DH wants the grass cut he also asks the girls to use the sit-on lawnmower and do it and not see it as just a task for our son. We did this most of the time anyway but we now trying to be more aware and make sure domestic chores are equal.

I am on bed rest and cannot do anything around the house at the moment. DH had done a ton of laundry and it was in our bedroom, we asked each child to come and find everything belonging to them and put it away, also take all dirty clothes to the laundry room, change their sheets and vacuum and clean their room. They all have the same tasks. We are also teaching them all to cook basic dishes. Our eldest dd does get some tasks that are different as she can drive so sometimes we ask her to drive her siblings to various places, she also goes to the bank for me and she drives to the grocery store but her siblings help shop and put everything away. I just want all the kids male or female to be prepared for the future and to be capable of doing anything around the house and not see any task as gendered male or female.

My son always irons his own school uniform for school in the morning (or the night before).

Bookmarking

Fatted.
That remark about fathers is so hateful, you clearly have a limited experience of domestic arrangements.
This may be your experience but it certainly is not mine, please do not make such sweeping sexiest man hating statements.

I think if your bloke's DM is running about offering to polish his shoes for him or whatever crazy thing then it's fair to say she's created all the conditions to make a manchild but I'm still wary of the idea that we (i.e. Mumsnet i.e. mum's) are responsible for ensuring that the next generation of boys become great housekeepers. Sure we can teach them the skills, but then they go out into a society that teaches them on the one hand that men are shite at housework, and on the other hand that housework is for the dull and the emasculated, and that jobs outside the home are where all the glory is, and that first and foremost they deserve and are obliged to succeed in their careers. There's a limit to how much we can influence their thinking on all that stuff and I don't like the idea that "teach your sons" would mean "blame the last generation of mothers for not arranging for the feminist revolution of housework".

My mother was resistant to letting me do stuff (apart from dusting and hoovering, for some reason), but I learned to cook by recipe books/trial and error when I turned vegetarian as a teen. I'm a decent cook now and rarely use recipes (except for baking). I was never shown DIY skills.

With my early teen/preteen dc it's a combination of 'teaching' them by observation and supervision and letting them try themselves out. They're both quite interested in cooking and prepping food and I usually let them get on with it and help with specific steps if they ask or look like they need it. They're both capable of making bread/rolls/little crispy frying-pan flatbreads from scratch, as well as a decent tomato sauce for pasta. They quite often fry/scramble eggs or make bruschetta by themselves. Younger one enjoys chopping and prepping stuff and has a few kitchen knives of his own. I don't iron much myself but have shown the older one how to iron a shirt. When they were younger I used to talk them through the steps of making a cake etc and get them to measure/pour/stir (have started this with toddler dd now), with the effect that I presume they have a basic idea of how to make a sponge/scones/flapjacks/pastry.

Dh and I both do a lot of teaching them to tidy It was a bit of a revelation that we had to show them things like how to wipe surfaces and hoover, but I suppose it makes sense - things like squeezing out the cloth when you wipe so you don't slop water everywhere aren't things you necessarily do automatically the first times you do them.

I don’t think what Fatted said was “men-hating” it just sounded like a statement of fact. She or he was brought up in a home where the father did no domestic work, those households are getting rarer but they still exist. Some families and some cultures have heavily gendered ideas about domestic work and who does what. My own dad rarely did any cleaning or cooking and had clearly never been taught or expected to do those tasks but he was raised in the 1940s and 50s.

I am very grateful that my PILs expected DH to do so much around the house, he does all domestic jobs without complaining and does them all without needing to be asked, in fact I think he does more domestic work than me, except I generally do more for the kids. He is also fantastically handy. As well as being able to fix and make almost anything he is the one interested in crafts and he can sew, knit and do any kind of needlework. For example he is renovating a boat and he has just recovered all the cushions for the benches in the cabin. He also has a kiln in the garage and likes to make pots and items from moulds (sp?) for the garden. He just made a large frog!

I love that he does anything that interests him and so the work around here is not gendered, if anything the kids know to go to dad for any sewing task and he will get the machine out and fix it. He is much more practical than me although he has an intellectual career. I am more analytical and like to read, he is incredibly intelligent but is more pragmatic.

I wasn't taught to cook or iron as a child and it has been a struggle as an adult. My mum was an obsessive cleaner so I'm pretty good at that from watching her but apart from chicken nuggets and toasties she isn't a cook. My dad was but didn't like to be disturbed while doing it.

My mum did (and still does) everything in the house. She cooked, cleaned, decorated, put up shelves, did the garden, etc. And she worked. I have never seen my dad so much as change a lightbulb. He does make (disgusting) turkey soup every year on boxing day.

Weirdly this has caused me slight problems in my own marriage when I just assume I should do everything and my husband gets annoyed.

I was never taught though, I just did stuff with my mum. I remember wallpapering her bedroom, and washing the car, and I did loads of baking with her and my granny. My brother did too.

I absolutely HATE domestic chores though. Loathe them. I hate cleaning. I hate laundry. I hate everything. And I am rubbish at them too. I’m not sure I can teach anyone because I am so hopeless.

I seem to remember just getting on with stuff as a teeenager, but probably picked up skills by watching my mum over the years.

We have three boys - the older 2 (11 & 13) cook at least one evening meal a week each now with minimal supervision, and the younger one will help. All of them are expected to help out with a 10 minute job a day during the week and for a bit longer at the weekend.

My Dad taught both me and my DB to iron our school shirts. I learned how to cook by watching both parents cook and being given firstly small, then increasingly larger jobs in the kitchen.

My Mum was pretty helpless when she married. She was not allowed near the kitchen at home and went to a boarding school where food and clean clothes just magically appeared before her when required. Dad taught her all she needed to know once they got married (although she wasn’t/isn’t allowed to iron his shirts as apparently she still does it ‘all wrong’)

Dad was the eldest child in a poorer family with 2 working parents. He would get home from school and cook, wash clothes etc, so I guess he learned through necessity.

I try to strike a happy medium between those two extremes with my own DC.