You need to teach your boys life skills

[necromumda]

Do we? (well yes, obv, but specifically I mean?)

Following on from the "isn't he good" thread and as a result of a conversation with MIL, I was wondering why we feel the need to emphasise teaching boys.

(Note here, I do not mean they should be waited on and believe they need to be independent and self-caring obviously)

MIL was saying to me the other day that I need to "start teaching DS life skills like - how to iron, how to boil an egg" etc. etc.

While I agree that any person of any gender should be able to do these things, I have NO recall of actually ever being walked through this or "taught" this as a girl.

How did you (females) learn these skills? Were you "taught" or instructed or did you just learn from having to just start doing them?

Why do we feel we need to walk boys through these tasks and just assume girls will pick them up? Or do we?

My parents didn't teach me to do anything unfortunately, and it was a learning curve, a steep and expensive one when I became an adult.

I am teaching my dc to do everything from changing a lighbulb to washing their clothes. Budgeting, bills and financial planning.

They do basic chores and cooking already.

Some (old fashioned) parents don't teach their boys housekeeping etc as don't believe they will need to use those skills they are the same parents that think a boy's education is more important than a girls. Dark ages stuff. So maybe your MIL is just checking you intend to teach your son properly as I am sure her generation didn't do this presuming his wife would do it all...thank goodness we have moved on considerably since then.

My dh is useless. His mum and dad did everything for him, literally everything until he moved out to live with me. He can't cook, can't decorate, can't do anything.

I had fully intended on treating my ds the same as my two girls and teach him how to iron, use the washing machine, cook, etc. Last thing I ever wanted for him was to end up useless like his father.

I was taught, DH was too. But I think we were both taught by being around and helping when certain activities took place. That's pretty much how my kids learn too. They will be there and we'll just say "Can you see how I'm doing this?" or "It's always a good idea to do XYZ"
I do remember being taught how to iron a shirt, or given advice on how to make a good Yorkshire or how to put up a shelf. They were all passing comments from both grandparents, aunties, uncles and parents, not just my mum and they were done during the activity, rather than specifically setting out to teach me.

I'm 30 and it's only recently, like in the last six months, that I've properly learned how to keep a house clean and tidy. I only taught myself to cook for a family when DS was born two years ago. Part of that is because my mother never taught me OR my brother how to manage a house or to cook - the house was magically always clean and tidy and there was always a meal on the table and food in the fridge. I moved out at 18 and into a really controlling relationship where I was actively discouraged from cooking. I'm with a new partner now and have had to learn all of this from scratch!

I think my mother didn't teach us as a reaction to how she was parented though, as she was expected to be a mini skivvy and cook and clean for her brothers at home. I'm hoping to strike a nice middle ground and teach DS both explicitly and by example without making him responsible for our wellbeing!

bought my first house at 19 and knocked down walls, screeded and boarded floors, rewired, replaced plumbing, fitted a new kitchen.......

Wow titty you're a bloody superstar!

My dad taught me to cook because mum was at work till later than him. By the time I was 13 I was doing the family meal each night. Mum didn't even know till I told her in my 20s, she thought it was him!

Anyway I love cooking so alls well that ends well 😀

But most of this stuff doesn’t require teaching at all, other than basic common sense. Anyone can dust or mop a floor, make a bed, or load and turn on a washing machine.

My DM and DSF were big on teaching me cooking, money skills and also how to figure out public transport so they didn't have to ferry me round I was cooking the family meal once a week from 10/11 ish and we each had one room we had to clean top to bottom each wk. My DM hates housework so she divided it all up so she didn't have to do everything. I did all my own washing from 15 or so but could do it before then. My DF always had me helping in the kitchen when I was at his place and making the beds etc. so I learnt some stuff there as well. I think kids should have chores from an early age just as part of the normal routine but you have to let them do it and not criticise too much because that'show they learn and it won't all be perfect from the start (also ppl's ideas of what is 'good enough' vary a lot even between adults).

I suspect it’s because your MIL’s generation didn’t teach the boys so she’s just trying to redress that balance. I don’t think that’s a bad thing on her part ie acknowledges that it was sexist in her day.

I get my children to help with practical things around the house eg gardening, cooking etc but in a day and age of screens I know they’d rather do that than help me. So it can be a battle!

I did a lot as a child - housework, cooking and at school we did hands on things so I think it’s important. And satisfying. Nothing like planning a garden and seeing it come together or building something with your hands (we are in the middle of building an outdoor run for the guinea pigs).

Anyone can dust or mop a floor, make a bed, or load and turn on a washing machine

It takes practice to get it right. And that requires teaching. That’s what teaching is about - guiding someone and letting them do it surely?

I wasn’t taught. It’s not rocket science, I figured it out for myself.

Our three boys learned by observing and copying in the traditional way - whether that was me in the garage or Mom in the kitchen.

All three have basic sewing machines as well as spanners and power tools in their inventory. They know how to use them too, although they usually wait for parental visits for Mom to do more complicated stuff like replacing zips.

They are more comfortable with the power tools than the sewing machine.

They tried knitting and crochet - but that never caught on!

Washing, ironing, cleaning etc are taken as normal. They are inclined to put off ironing when they know a parental visit is due though. My wife claims her record is ironing around 100 items when we managed to visit all three in one weekend.

All three batch cook for freezer stocking. Spag Bog and similar one-pot meals remain their staple though they have served us the full Sunday Roast. Baking can happen but is extremely rare and usually just an instant Victoria Sponge mix. Mom's expert baking has spoiled them and set the bar too high.

They just see this as part of being grown-ups running their own house, but still appreciate Mom's food parcels, especially cakes and biscuits. I smile inwardly when I see how house proud they are!

These days 'OK Google' and you are two clicks away from a You-Tube guide to whatever you need. My wife learned how to plaster joins in plaster-board for no 3 son's house that way.

There is zero-tolerance for acquired incompetence in our family.

As toddlers they joined in whatever we were doing - even though it made for very slow work sometimes.

I recall being appalled by overhearing a neighbour doing some minor DIY who sent their toddler off to their mother with 'go away, I'm busy'.

Yes, if we had had daughters I would have done the same and have expected them to help with routine DIY tasks.

Whatever I did at home wasn't good enough for my dm so I was self taught.

Ds1 is almost 16 and we've agreed for him to give up simple jobs washing up e.g and instead he's going to start washing his bedding and ironing his school uniform so he can have those skills. I'll do the same with other dc too.
However dd thinks she knows it all already so it'll be fun when she's 16

My mum definitely shoe d me how to cook certain things thinges, how to iron, clean, change a bed etc. She showed me how then I did it either with her or alone. I didn't learn by osmosis because I had no interest If she wanted m to do something she showed.me how before expecting me to be able to do it

I remember when I was really small wondering whether there'd be a big lesson for me one day about how to do all these things! (Nobody did!...) I got the iron and had a go. Same with making a bed, cooking and cleaning. There's YouTube now which makes it easier but it would have been lovely for an adult to show me as a child.

Children need to be taught life skills, regardless of sex.

Yes I was taught all that stuff by my parents and grandparents. Conversely, my husband didn’t even know how to boil pasta when he left for university!

When I left home, I didn't know how to cook, iron or even operate a washing machine or dishwasher.

My mum was queen of her domain and did everything for everyone and never wanted help or to show us how to do things.

My husband, however, left home fully formed and domesticated with the added bonus of being very good at DiY.

I don't agree with giving pocket money for chores. My two asked to be paid for doing things like tidying their rooms! It was explained to them we all have to do chores because it was part of life........and they are a chore!
I'd pay them for doing jobs like washing the car if they wanted to earn some extra money because I'd normally take it to the car wash.

I'm glad I spent time getting them to do chores. It was a pain listening to them whine, not do the jobs properly and telling me I was treating them like slaves because few of their friends had to do them.
It astounds me how many young adults have no concept of looking after themselves.

Don't underestimate teenagers ability for getting on with things and using common sense. They might surprise you.

While it's nice to see lots of parents on here who are teaching their DCs, there are significant numbers of young adults at colleges and university who haven't had the same from their parents. DD has mentioned a couple of girls who can't cook, don't do any chores and still expect parents to fund everything.

I've heard similar from a couple of friends who work in HE and I just think their parents aren't doing them any favours by not teaching them anything.

My parents didn't do much life skill training for any of us. The only life skill I remember being explicitly taught by my father was doing a car check of the tyres and fluids before driving lessons. I've never had a car and haven't driven in over 17 years . As my father once set fire to boiling water and my mother pretty much only cooked out of a box, it's probably better they didn't teach me cooking as low in confidence as I still am at it.

Sometimes I had to do my father's laundry along with my own and from my teen years I was cooking and pretty much all the day to day things for myself, but I wasn't taught, I was just told to go do X or needed X done and there were no adults around. I managed not to mangle too much but there are times then and now that I feel like I'm winging it too much. The same with my brother (who also at times had to do our father's laundry at times), we were kinda just expected to do things while our younger sister still had our mother doing everything for her well into high school including using a microwave which was very weird to me when I saw it when I visited after leaving home. I think seeing young adults like that makes you really want to make sure your own don't turn out that way.

I learned a few things at school like very basic sewing and financial skills and my grandmother baked chocolate chip cookies from scratch with me when I was with her which helped me gain more confidence with baking, and my spouse has taught me quite a few things, but generally I've picked it up as I went along haphazardly.

My kids have more chores than I had at their ages but I also teach (and reteach repeatedly while trying not to bang my head on the wall) life skills regardless of sex. My teen thankfully needs it far less than when I was his age but they're all slowly getting there with most skills.

No idea how I learned to boil an egg but I still haven’t learned how to iron unless ironing just means moving creases around rather than getting rid of them.

I've taught both ds and my dds skills as and when they've needed them. So it was never a 'sit down and learn life skills' moment, but they've always cooked / got their own lunch at weekends and holidays etc from when they were relatively small. Ironing first came in as they needed it for a cub badge so when they were 8 - and I though 'well, while the iron is out' .
Cooking is something that evolves.
ds - who is 22 now and has lived away from home for 3 years and who is a very able cook asked me for help poaching an egg the other day. Just something he's never fancied so hasn't made before, so asked, as I was there. OTOH, he's perfectly capable of producing a full meal for extended family or friends without batting an eyelid.

DS2 first picked up an iron because he needed to iron a top before going out and he was home alone. He had never had an ironing lesson but managed to work it out. It's not difficult is it?

MaryDollNesbit the learning by play stuff sounds idyllic but only works when the dcs are young and make a mess rather than help out. The minute they get to the age when they can be any good at housework, they are more interested in other things like screens.

I cannot imagine my dcs willingly offering to clean a bathroom at their age (11 and 14) unless I tell them they have to do it. Cue: moaning and sloppy work. It is harder work trying to get them to do it than to do it myself but I see it my parental duty to keep plugging away at them.

I have a 6 year old ds, who knows how to put on the washing machine, load the dishwasher, and make his own sandwiches. He loves doing domestic chores(unlike dh), in fact he is much more domesticated that dh. All this he wan't to do himself. He can shower himself, and insists on running the water himself to the right temperature. Ds is incredibly independent and wants to do all these things. He has Neurodevelopmental difficulties btw and speech and language delay, and is 1.5 years academically behind his peers, but is incredibly practical and fast at learning things that peaks his interest.