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AIBU?

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Original poster

DM being a bitch about my choice of home

154 replies

Scuzzlet · 01/09/2018 09:58

So some of you may remember my previous thread about finally moving out with DP. I mentioned how crap my family can be; constantly favouring my brother, adding money to a trust fund since he was born but having sweet FA in place for me; and just generally downplaying, rubbishing, poo-pooing my achievements and making me feel like I’m not good enough.

The house we were buying didn’t pass the survey so we were back to square one. It was very disappointing. Since then we have found a house in the same street with 3 bedrooms instead of 2, and a lovely kitchen extension, upstairs bathroom etc. It was initially a bit more expensive than we would have liked but we made an offer 4K less than the asking price and it has been accepted. (It’s a terraced house on a quiet street with a big front garden - rather cute. We are first time buyers and don’t want a ridiculous mortgage round our necks for a new build where neither of us will be able to turn around)

Which now brings me to the point of my thread - I’m trying to keep it short and sweet. My mother has been a total bitch about it. Shoving her unwanted opinion down my throat, telling me “no one fucking wants old houses” , making me feel like shit, and guilty for wanting this or like I shouldn’t be happy about it. She is pushing us to buy a new build!!! It’s not even like she wants the best for me because if she did she would have put away some money just like she did for the child prodigy my younger brother..

She is also saying that we shouldn’t be moving where we are (it’s DP’s hometown - a 15 minutes drive from mine - and he is the one with the deposit - without him this wouldn’t be happening, he has happily let me choose all the furnishings, decor, we are even having one of the bedrooms as my “getting ready” room with a dressing table etc which i think will be lovely) she keeps saying “THIS IS MY OPINION IM ALLOWED IT” yes but not when you’re making me feel so upset.

The funny thing is, she wouldn’t even be able to afford the house she and my dad live in now if it wasn’t for him and his job (built new 16 years ago, I don’t know how she can be so snobby!!) she is making out we are moving into a broom cupboard. Hasn’t even seen the house. I’m really upset. I wish she could have been supportive. I just feel like I can’t be excited or optimistic about this. I’m gutted. :(

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/09/2018 10:01

Ignore her. Your house sounds lovely! Many recent new builds have had all kinds of problems, at least you know a previously lived in house is habitable! TBH she sounds a horrible peevish woman, and no matter what you decided she’d piss on your chips.

Frankenterfer · 01/09/2018 10:01

Your new home sounds lovely, I am sorry about your mother, she sounds awful. I know it's hard but try not to care about her opinion, don't let it take the shine off you and your dp buying your first home together :)

UpstartCrow · 01/09/2018 10:01

Don't let her rain on your parade. You know what your parents are like, its time to put some emotional distance between you, and stop depending on them or their good opinion.
Accept them for who they are, grieve for the relationship you should have had but couldn't because they can't provide it.
Then move on and look to the future.

PenelopeThePufferfish · 01/09/2018 10:02

I wouldn’t give her ‘opinion’ any more head space. She sounds foul tbh - sorry, I know she’s your mum, but really.

New builds usually drop a little in value don’t they? So I think you’re being wise not taking out a huge mortgage on a new build.

Flowers for you.

StrangeLookingParasite · 01/09/2018 10:02

It might be time to limit or stop contact with her for a while. She can't seem to be happy for you, she's just being horrible.
Your new house sounds lovely (I don't like or want a new build either)!

InDubiousBattle · 01/09/2018 10:02

'It's absolutely non of your business' over and over and over again. Sorry she's being so awful about it op. I do understand family and history etc but I'm not sure I'd have much to do with someone who treated me like this.

19lottie82 · 01/09/2018 10:02

Your house sounds lovey!
Personally I would never buy a new build, I think older houses are much better quality.

toomuchtooold · 01/09/2018 10:03

Did you really expect any other sort of response from her? From what you've already shared about her I'd say the time to worry is when she approves...

Aprilshowersinaugust · 01/09/2018 10:04

Well she won't be visiting then will she? Tell her you wouldn't dream of expecting her to enter such a house.
And mean it.

Makemineboozefree · 01/09/2018 10:04

I would use the move to your lovey new house - it's sounds really great! - to put some healthy distance between you and your bully of a DM. She sounds vicious and unlikely to ever change.

daisychain01 · 01/09/2018 10:04

I wish she could have been supportive. I just feel like I can’t be excited or optimistic about this. I’m gutted

She will never be supportive or even the DM you would wish for. If you can lower your expectations of her to that extent, you will find yourself in a much better place in your life.

Be optimistic, excited, proud and hopeful of your new life in what sounds like a lovely place of your own. Don't allow your DM to marr any of those feelings. Do you for you and your Dap and leave her out of the equation.

DroningOn · 01/09/2018 10:05

I'd go full no contact, sounds like you get nothing from her so what would you lose?

She sounds unhinged!

daisychain01 · 01/09/2018 10:05

DP

Needahairbrush · 01/09/2018 10:05

I would never ever buy a new build, your house sounds lovely - 3 beds & a garden, and very sensible not to be saddling yourself with a larger mortgage. Close your eyes & ears to her criticism, just nod along and count the days until you are in your home. Or if she keeps saying ‘thus is my opinion and I’m allowed it’ tell her it’s unhelpful and you dint want to hear it!

ElspethFlashman · 01/09/2018 10:07

She sounds like an absolute cow.

Thank god you're moving away.

Do NOT invite her over. No matter what she says. Just keep saying "soon" and NEVER do it.

daisychain01 · 01/09/2018 10:08

I wouldn't say anything she could turn around and twist against you with other family members.

Be like The Queen smiling smugly to yourself that you're moving into a palace Grin no need to rise to her bate, she sounds bitter, so no need to join her party.

ellaV · 01/09/2018 10:09

If she doesn't like the house, then thank god she won't be visiting then!

The new house sounds lovely! Love a terrace, can look so quaint and cute with a nicely done front garden - which you have!

Ignore the old snob, and enjoy your new home

MrsMozart · 01/09/2018 10:10

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

You live you life where you want to She can stay in her miserable little world. Just be thankful you're not her.

By the way, your house sounds lovely. Looking forward to hearing your happy move in updates.

hapagirl · 01/09/2018 10:11

We had a similar situation with my MIL. We bought an old house too - “you guys have no idea what maintenance an old house means”. It was expensive because it’s a good area and she told me countless times and anyone who would listen how “we were had” and spent too much blah blah. She has no idea about house prices in good catchments. We do, we did a lot of research and our house was market price. We weren’t had. She even brought her friends over to look at the house and then told me how they all couldn’t believe “we took such a thing on”. You would think she helped with the deposit or something but she didn’t. It was all us. It really got me down and made me not like my house for a bit. It’s not nice and my advice to you is to ignore her. Your house sounds lovely and it sounds like you did your due deligence. Enjoy it! After about a year of her nonsense, I’ve started ignoring her snide comments and appreciating my house more.

lightlypoached · 01/09/2018 10:12

Oooh the new place sounds lovely. Full of character and happy family history which you will add to. Smile
Your mum sounds like the sort of person who always likes to be in control and hasn't worked out that you're all grown up and independent. Bless.
Just crack on, enjoy your new home. Decorate it how you want, make it your haven. Ignore the sniping, rise above it and have confidence in your taste and judgement. This is what being an adult really means - choosing your own carpet and not giving a shit about whether your mum agrees.
When she gets critical just ignore it or use the classic 'did you mean to be so rude?'
Then throw a lovely house warming.
Good luck.

Soph88 · 01/09/2018 10:12

She sounds a bit like my mum. She's alway passing comment on my house and where it is. I just ignore her and you should ignore your Mum too.
Love your house and be proud of it!

ChasedByBees · 01/09/2018 10:13

She is allowed as many opinions as she wants. She doesn’t get to have them taken into consideration or listened to. Smile and ignore if you feel you must reply, just say, ‘you’re entitled to your opinion but we feel differently.’

Don’t let her upset you. Of course people buy old houses, much more character, often more solid and interesting and better value for money.

MMKMN · 01/09/2018 10:13

Congratulations on your new home. It sounds absolutely perfect.

I LOVE old homes. They have such character and personality.

Don't listen to your M. Don't engage in conversation about it. If she won't let it go just walk away. I'm sorry she's making you feel like shit and not excited.

Good luck, bet you can't wait!! Exciting times ahead Grin

Iloveacurry · 01/09/2018 10:14

Your house sounds lovely. Ignore your mother. Sounds like she wouldn’t like any other house you picked anyway. Wouldn’t be surprised if you’re low contact with her or NC even.

CherryPavlova · 01/09/2018 10:15

She’s wrong, of course. New builds are nowhere near as desirable as a lovely old house full of character and with a history. Many turn to new builds because they come with easy purchase packages but I’ve never heard of anyone saying their dream is an executive detached home.....an ancient cottage with a pretty garden and smoke curling from the chimney, however.....
Ignore her.