DM being a bitch about my choice of home

[Scuzzlet]

So some of you may remember my previous thread about finally moving out with DP. I mentioned how crap my family can be; constantly favouring my brother, adding money to a trust fund since he was born but having sweet FA in place for me; and just generally downplaying, rubbishing, poo-pooing my achievements and making me feel like I’m not good enough.

The house we were buying didn’t pass the survey so we were back to square one. It was very disappointing. Since then we have found a house in the same street with 3 bedrooms instead of 2, and a lovely kitchen extension, upstairs bathroom etc. It was initially a bit more expensive than we would have liked but we made an offer 4K less than the asking price and it has been accepted. (It’s a terraced house on a quiet street with a big front garden - rather cute. We are first time buyers and don’t want a ridiculous mortgage round our necks for a new build where neither of us will be able to turn around)

Which now brings me to the point of my thread - I’m trying to keep it short and sweet. My mother has been a total bitch about it. Shoving her unwanted opinion down my throat, telling me “no one fucking wants old houses” , making me feel like shit, and guilty for wanting this or like I shouldn’t be happy about it. She is pushing us to buy a new build!!! It’s not even like she wants the best for me because if she did she would have put away some money just like she did for the child prodigy my younger brother..

She is also saying that we shouldn’t be moving where we are (it’s DP’s hometown - a 15 minutes drive from mine - and he is the one with the deposit - without him this wouldn’t be happening, he has happily let me choose all the furnishings, decor, we are even having one of the bedrooms as my “getting ready” room with a dressing table etc which i think will be lovely) she keeps saying “THIS IS MY OPINION IM ALLOWED IT” yes but not when you’re making me feel so upset.

The funny thing is, she wouldn’t even be able to afford the house she and my dad live in now if it wasn’t for him and his job (built new 16 years ago, I don’t know how she can be so snobby!!) she is making out we are moving into a broom cupboard. Hasn’t even seen the house. I’m really upset. I wish she could have been supportive. I just feel like I can’t be excited or optimistic about this. I’m gutted. :(

Just tell her to fuck off and get back to worshipping your brother.

And tell her there is no need for her to visit since she hates it so much. Miserable old cow.

Why visit her to hear her opinion?

She seems to think she has a right to express herself.

You also have a right not to listen to her.

Most mums aren't like this, they don't pour scorn on their children's choices.

Time for a change in how you respond to her, probably by not seeing her at all if she can't be pleasant and nice.

He is ‘allowed’ her opinion but you are ‘allowed’ not to listen to it.

I think you need to either avoid her or start to get a lot more stroppy with her if she is rude to you.

I’d not show her the house and I tell her why.

In future would you be able to stop telling her things to prevent her giving her opinion.

Your house sounds gorgeous. I would choose an old-build over a new-build every time.

no one fucking wants old houses

She'd hate mine then,it's about four hundred years old and listed 🤣

Just ignore her and get out, she's obviously daft as a brush. Congrats on the house!

Well firstly and most importantly, make sure your both on the mortgage, pay equally towards it and set it at a percentage that allows your dp the higher percentage to offset his deposit. This is the most important thing here.

Secondly - tell your dm that she's entitled to her opinion but your entitled to think she's manipulative, ignorant, rude and that you don't want to be around her. Don't let her make you feel bad!

She must be either very stupid or clueless if she thinks nobody wants old houses!

Newbuilds are so often shoddily built nowadays. Give me an old-build any day.
Just ignore her - and enjoy your 'new' house! Sadly there's so often no point in arguing with the clueless or wilfully ignorant.

Right, you know that had you of decided to buy a newbuild and she was living in something older then that would of been wrong as well ?

No matter what you do you will be wrong in her eyes, so dont let her spoil your time.

I have a negative Nelly mother and it's tiring. It finally hit home with me a few years ago when I bought a much coveted handbag that was more than I would of spent, and I realised I couldn't let my Mum see it as she would of rubbished it. I didnt learn my lesson and let her see my newly decorated bedroom which she slagged off. It was the first room decorated in years and done by DP for us.

I dont allow her any insight into our lives now

CherryPavlova lol it's funny you say that as I would actually prefer the new build, but I grew up in an old house. I do love the old house, but the chimney is a pain in the ass to keep clean and my dad rarely did it right so the house was covered in soot, and hes yet to finish any diy project that he's started. I'd be wanting a new build because it's easier and he can't come round and 'help' with diy and leave it unfinished. Love my dad but diy is not his strength.

Chances are you’ll be getting far greater value for money. My husband initially wanted new build until he realised old v new made the difference for us between detached with a large garden v semi with a postage stamp one.

You’ve done well to find yourself something thing you like and can afford. Ignore your mother if she’s being unhelpful. I could never favour one child over another like she has done.

I'd be tempted to say something like "Look, you decided you weren't going to put money away for me like you did for X, and I have to acknowledge that that's your decision. But it does mean that you have absolutely no say in how we choose to use our money or where we choose to live. You're entitled to your opinion, you've voiced it now, I'm entitled to ignore it - which I am doing. We are not going to discuss this any more."

I'd never buy a new build. Rooms are smaller, gardens smaller, roads narrower so parking's an issue, houses packed tightly together. My house is about 50 years old, but still newer than I'd like.

This isn't about the house. It's about disrespecting you and your choices, favoring your brother and wanting to control you.

Please go over to relationships and investigate how you can minimise her impact on your emotional well being. In the meantime ignore her opinions as much as you possibly can. It doesn't matter what she thinks. It's what you and dp think that matters.

She sounds horrible. Stop telling her anything, keep to basic conversation and if she queries this, tell her why.

It must be hard, as she's your mum and you understandably want her approval. However she sounds like very hard work and you're upset. So cut your losses and protect yourself.

Tell her that when she pays the mortgage she has a say. Otherwise she should just pipe down.

Thank you so much everyone. Everything you are saying is right. Unfortunately I don’t choose to visit her - I still LIVE with her definitely not my choice. I’m desperate to get out. This is why it’s so upsetting, there is no safe haven for her awful negativity.

When she was saying all this vile stuff she was getting frustrated because I wouldn’t agree with her. I was trying not to antagonise her but in the end she stormed out saying “GO AWAY! I’m not arguing with you! Stop browbeating me” that’s funny because it seems like she is the one trying to browbeat me? It’s exhausting

she sounds horrible - and she's so wrong - it's all about personal taste at the end of the day. I wouldn't even look round new builds when house hunting - much prefer my old house, with its lovely fireplaces and a bit of character. A lot of new builds seem to have weeny gardens too.

On the plus at least she might not visit you too much

Can you not move in with your DP until the sale completes? It must be so bad for your mental health living with someone so toxic.

Just take a deep breath and look forward to the day you will be free of this shit.

On the bright side, with any luck she may not want to visit you in such a decrepit house

New builds are my worst nightmare. She’s not a snob she’s just ignorant and low rent.

I would just say she can have whatever opinions she likes but don’t bore you with them.

Shoving her unwanted opinion down my throat, telling me “no one fucking wants old houses”

Has your mother heard of the aristocracy? . I know lots of people (not aristocracy!), myself included, who wouldn’t touch a new build with a barge pole.

“THIS IS MY OPINION IM ALLOWED IT”

Ah, she’s one of those. Funnily enough, I don’t think I’ve once come across a person who says this whose opinion is actually worth hearing. I would cut contact with her. Surround yourself with people who are supportive and who you enjoy spending time with.

I m so sorry op, she is an abusive bully who would find fault with anything you do.
I would be putting a lot more than 15 minutes between us if it were me.
Seriously, consider going no contact. You are not appreciated in your family, and your mum actively seeks to upset you.

People either want old or new

If you buy new you pay a premium for new carpets kitchen etc

The issue is resale, it's neither old or new so depreciates in value unless you update and upkeep it perfectly (living in a show home)

Your mum appears to want you to want what she does and have the same opinions

Ignore her, buy the house you love and enjoy the peace

Just to throw this out there, my DB works in construction (has his own company) and does very well for himself so he knows what he's talking about. He says he would never buy a new build as he knows how poor quality they are compared to old houses. So ignore what your mum says, she probably doesn't know much.

I’m sorry your mother is such a nasty bitch.

Of course she has a right to her opinion, just as YOU have a right to not listen to it.

I think on your other thread the stately homes threads were mentioned, as was the obvious answer of going NC with her. She adds nothing to your life, sadly.

Anyway, so for the house, it’s sounds lovely. I FAR prefer older, more substantial houses, over new builds. Even if I had unlimited money I’d choose to buy an older house an extend/renovate, than have one built.

Just one small concern, as I’m worried no one is looking out for you, you say you’re moving to where DP wants as he’s the one with the deposit...is the house in both your names? How have you secured your share, future investment? It won’t end well if you’re not getting ping into this as equally your joint decision, joint HOME. It’s fair enough to ring fence your individual deposit amounts for the short term (ie to be reviewed if you have children or other life changing events) but that doesn’t mean it’s one’s more than the others. Don’t allow him to pay to the mortgage while you pay the other bills, you need to show you have been paying too.

But switch your mothers god awful bullshit OFF in your head and plan how bloody lovely and incredibly amazing it’s going to be owning your own home! You never have to live with the crazy cow again! Independence, freedom...it’s probably the lack of control over you she’s dreading.

Get excited...🏡🍾🥂