DM being a bitch about my choice of home

[Scuzzlet]

So some of you may remember my previous thread about finally moving out with DP. I mentioned how crap my family can be; constantly favouring my brother, adding money to a trust fund since he was born but having sweet FA in place for me; and just generally downplaying, rubbishing, poo-pooing my achievements and making me feel like I’m not good enough.

The house we were buying didn’t pass the survey so we were back to square one. It was very disappointing. Since then we have found a house in the same street with 3 bedrooms instead of 2, and a lovely kitchen extension, upstairs bathroom etc. It was initially a bit more expensive than we would have liked but we made an offer 4K less than the asking price and it has been accepted. (It’s a terraced house on a quiet street with a big front garden - rather cute. We are first time buyers and don’t want a ridiculous mortgage round our necks for a new build where neither of us will be able to turn around)

Which now brings me to the point of my thread - I’m trying to keep it short and sweet. My mother has been a total bitch about it. Shoving her unwanted opinion down my throat, telling me “no one fucking wants old houses” , making me feel like shit, and guilty for wanting this or like I shouldn’t be happy about it. She is pushing us to buy a new build!!! It’s not even like she wants the best for me because if she did she would have put away some money just like she did for the child prodigy my younger brother..

She is also saying that we shouldn’t be moving where we are (it’s DP’s hometown - a 15 minutes drive from mine - and he is the one with the deposit - without him this wouldn’t be happening, he has happily let me choose all the furnishings, decor, we are even having one of the bedrooms as my “getting ready” room with a dressing table etc which i think will be lovely) she keeps saying “THIS IS MY OPINION IM ALLOWED IT” yes but not when you’re making me feel so upset.

The funny thing is, she wouldn’t even be able to afford the house she and my dad live in now if it wasn’t for him and his job (built new 16 years ago, I don’t know how she can be so snobby!!) she is making out we are moving into a broom cupboard. Hasn’t even seen the house. I’m really upset. I wish she could have been supportive. I just feel like I can’t be excited or optimistic about this. I’m gutted. :(

Is sounds awful. Once you get out of her grasp you will be the lucky one.

sweetkitty how awful. The third bedroom in this house is tiny but at the end of the day it’s a bedroom. I can imagine my mother saying exactly the same. I don’t want her to come round. In reality she isn’t even interested. Or excited for me. It kills me. And I think it’s sick and sad that someone would be jealous of their own flesh and blood

Your mum sounds horrible. I'm sorry she's made you feel this way. The new house you're buying sounds lovely!

Ignore her. Choose the house you and your partner want she has nothing to do with it.
I love old houses and even if I had limitless budget I would still buy an old house... shes up her own arse because lots of people love and want old houses.

Tell she's also allowed to express an opinion about China joining the UN, no-one's going to take any notice of her there either!

Ach, you’ll be back on Mumsnet in 5 years time complaining about how she’s worse, and now it’s ruining your marriage & kids lives too.

Save yourself some time and mental health. Check out the Outofthefog website and learn fast how to look elsewhere (including inside yourself) for the applause in life.

Your DM sounds like the type who will never be happy within herself, and will begrudge you any happiness you find.

Leave her to her whining, lessen contact and get on with what sounds like a great life of home-building. Well rid.

Your mum sounds like a twat.

I wouldn't go for a new build either, every person I know irl who has bought one has had masses of issues with them that has taken years to sort with the house builders, the downstairs rooms are too small for their purposes and wide hallways where they aren't needed are thrown in whilst the upstairs always have ridiculously big en suites and a family bathroom despite being a 2 or 3 bed. And they cost half again of a similar sized property that's not a new build. No thanks.

Ignore her, your house sounds lush and something I am looking for. Older builds are more stable and bigger than the new builds, you often hear about the amount of problems people find with new builds.

Enjoy your house and tell her straight if she does not like it she does not need to come around and for the sake of your relationship she needs to respect your choices if not you will need to decide whether you want her negativity in your life going forward.

So you have a completion date?
Count down the days. Every time your mum starts going off on one just go quiet and think "X days to go...."
Or adopt the strategy my Dad did with his mother. He got used to just making a noncommittal "Mmh'm" sort of noise and pretty much tuned her out when she went into one of her rants.
I believe the correct term is the "grey rock" technique.
Your new house sounds lovely. My DH is involved with the housebuilding trade and he'd not go near one. Even if they're built properly, they're often open to the elements over winter and this can lead to things shifting and changing shape as the house dries out.

Ignore her and count the days until you can move out. We've lived in five 'old' houses and loved every one. They don't make them like they used to, so I actually avoid new build houses.

Good luck!

For what it is worth I agree with what others have said - new build (a
lot of the time) equals devoid of character. Older properties are much more interesting

Definitely withdraw and have a lot less contact

I’ve known a few people who have bought a new build and regretted it
Thin walls tiny loft space cracking walls and mess ups by the builders are a few problems I’ve heard of
I deliberately chose an old brick built house its been here 70 years- still good. Decent garden etc

I’m sure your house will be lovely when it’s up together

Ignore the nasty comments You do whatever’s best for you and your partner

Well, only 6 weeks until you are out of her clutches, all being well.

Cross each day off on a calendar. Spend as much time out with your partner and your friends as you can. Browse shops etc. for bits and bobs for your new home.

Enjoy as much as you can, bearing in mind that there is now light at the end of the tunnel. Hold on to that whenever she starts.

As many people are saying, lots of buyers won't look at a new build because of all the potential for teething troubles and they can be a very bad deal if the builder hasn't really bothered about finishing them off, or has thrown them up as quickly as possible.

This is sour grapes from your mother, because you've found such a lovely house. When you move in and get away from her influence, your life will begin again and you can take stock and decide how much time to spend with her. You'll have the option of saying,'Yes it's your opinion, but I don't have to listen to it' and going home and shutting your own front door.

I’d tell her you’ve changed your mind and got a new build. Then in 6 weeks move into your lovely new old house and don’t tell her.

Tell her not to worry, she doesn't have to visit your house.

Win win.

Tell her you decided on a new build after all. It’s on the

“Fuckoffwithyourjealousranting” development.

That is so upsetting - the last person who should be pissing on your chips is your own mother! The house sounds lovely - don’t let her steal your joy

Give me a lovely old terraced house over a modern box any day. My mother is a bit like yours - never has anything nice to say. As a result we tell her very little about what's going on in our lives. We moved here quite recently, it's a large apartment in an old country mansion, so big rooms, high ceilings. DM's first reaction? "Not exactly homely is it?". There's 8 acres of unmanicured parkland to the front of the house and when I told my mum that the dog loves to explore it, she said "Oh you call it parkland do you? I think of it as wasteland." I actually laughed at her when she came out with that one. I'm well used to her negativity but it still makes me sad that she can't say anything nice. We're off to Hungary mum "Really? Wouldn't be my cup of tea". We're thinking of going to Canada next year mum "Alright if you like trees I suppose", and on it goes. We've had a really busy and fun summer but as far as she knows we've done bugger all as we just don't tell her. I sympathise with how your mother's negativity upsets you , it really shouldn't be that way. I'm the total opposite with my (now adult) DC, and they love sharing their news with us.

I'm another one who prefers older houses, I like the character and bigger rooms and gardens. It's just a shame that it is ONLY 15 minutes away from your Mum. I wouldn't be too quick to invite her over. I think you need to go low contact perhaps working up to NC for your own wellbeing. No-one needs nasty, negative people in their lives, even if they are family. BTW, glad you are going on the deeds and on the mortgage, but make sure you and your DP make wills naming each other as beneficiaries of each other's half of the property. As you are unmarried if one of you were to die then the other would not automatically inherit their share of the house - it would go to their next of kin. Don't mean to bring you down, but it means peace of mind that you or your DP wouldn't lose their home if the worst did happen. Good luck with move Op, I'm sure you will love living in your own home.

When you're out of there you can work on coming out of the FOG thing.

You'll also learn not to share stuff. It drives my mother crackers I don't tell her anything but she's like a fucking dementor and it's tiresum. You'll get there, just cut her off when she brings it up and count the days until you move out.

Sounds to me like she’s very worried about losing any control she has over you once you have your own home and you’re out of hers.

I don’t want her to come round

then don't let her. don't invite her and if she mentions it just fob her off with excuses if you don't/can't be blunt.
once you're out of her toxic environment have a serious think about going extremely low or no contact with them.
they'll never change.

Good luck with your new house. WRT your 'D'M as soon as you can afford it I would suggest some counselling to enable you to accept that the problems lie solely with her and it's not your fault she is essentially a damaged personality. A loving Mother would be pleased and happy for you, a damaged and damaging personality like your Mother is jealous and angry at you getting on and is determined to drag you down. As pp's have said you need to limit contact as much as possible once you have moved out.

I think your mother is furious because she's realised that you are moving out and moving on, and that she will have no control over you. I agree that you need to go low contact (or no contact) once you're out of her house, and try and make sure that if you do let her visit, you have strict control of it. Perhaps invite her and your dad over at the same time as your in laws, so that she will be restricted in her behaviour (or if she does choose to rant, you'll be able to see clearly how pathetic she is next to the functioning adults around her).

The old house/new house thing is a red herring - she would do this wherever you were - and it doesn't matter that I and most people on this thread prefer old houses, either, because the only opinions that matter are yours and your DP's.

Don't expect her to change her mind, and don't expect her to ever behave as a mother should - I've wasted too many years hoping my mum would step up and support me, if she's like this now she never will. But it's her loss. You have managed to do just fine without her money, and you can build a good life despite her, and without her. You will be truly independent in a way your brother never can be.

Hang on in there, and count down the days until you move on. Then don't open the front door to her unless you want to.