DM being a bitch about my choice of home

[Scuzzlet]

So some of you may remember my previous thread about finally moving out with DP. I mentioned how crap my family can be; constantly favouring my brother, adding money to a trust fund since he was born but having sweet FA in place for me; and just generally downplaying, rubbishing, poo-pooing my achievements and making me feel like I’m not good enough.

The house we were buying didn’t pass the survey so we were back to square one. It was very disappointing. Since then we have found a house in the same street with 3 bedrooms instead of 2, and a lovely kitchen extension, upstairs bathroom etc. It was initially a bit more expensive than we would have liked but we made an offer 4K less than the asking price and it has been accepted. (It’s a terraced house on a quiet street with a big front garden - rather cute. We are first time buyers and don’t want a ridiculous mortgage round our necks for a new build where neither of us will be able to turn around)

Which now brings me to the point of my thread - I’m trying to keep it short and sweet. My mother has been a total bitch about it. Shoving her unwanted opinion down my throat, telling me “no one fucking wants old houses” , making me feel like shit, and guilty for wanting this or like I shouldn’t be happy about it. She is pushing us to buy a new build!!! It’s not even like she wants the best for me because if she did she would have put away some money just like she did for the child prodigy my younger brother..

She is also saying that we shouldn’t be moving where we are (it’s DP’s hometown - a 15 minutes drive from mine - and he is the one with the deposit - without him this wouldn’t be happening, he has happily let me choose all the furnishings, decor, we are even having one of the bedrooms as my “getting ready” room with a dressing table etc which i think will be lovely) she keeps saying “THIS IS MY OPINION IM ALLOWED IT” yes but not when you’re making me feel so upset.

The funny thing is, she wouldn’t even be able to afford the house she and my dad live in now if it wasn’t for him and his job (built new 16 years ago, I don’t know how she can be so snobby!!) she is making out we are moving into a broom cupboard. Hasn’t even seen the house. I’m really upset. I wish she could have been supportive. I just feel like I can’t be excited or optimistic about this. I’m gutted. :(

In the '60s my parents bought their old cottage for £2500 the brand new sparkly (very pokey) houses on the estate were on sale for about £4000 my parents house is now worth ridiculous money and double those houses.

Enjoy your house, enjoy its character and size and ignore your mum.

I'm sure things will improve when you move out.

You could say:
“YOURE ALLOWED YOUR OPINION AND IM ALLOWED TO IGNORE IT”
But that’s probably going to start a fight, which is precisely what she’s looking for.

What your mother actually needs is recognition. Despite how she’s coming across, she doesn’t have good self esteem. The better way to deal with her is thanking her.
“Thanks for pointing that out”
“Thanks for letting me know”
“Thank you for your opinion”
Etc

I have one of these mothers. It’s very wearing. Much better to just listen and not bite. Mine looooooves to hold court.

She's losing/lost control of you.

Having your own opinion is a crime as far as she's concerned.

Reduce contact.

My parents looked down on the 2 bed terrace which was my first house. We loved that house because it was our home. It was all we could afford, we made a big profit on it and are now happily settled in a 4 bed, 2 bath detached in a lovely village which they have never seen as we cut all contact with them 17 years ago because they are vile, poisonous human beings. Your mother sounds just as toxic sadly, just remember that you don’t have to have her in your home when you move. Congratulations on your first home!

Your house sounds great and I much prefer old houses. You get a lot more space for your money and new houses are often very shoddily built.

Your DM sounds horribly negative, and I suspect if you'd moved into a mega-million pound mansion she'd still have found something negative to say. She needs the grey rock treatment!

It sounds lovely. Another one here that wouldn’t buy a new build, they’re not built to last imo.

Time to reduce contact with your Mum me thinks, she sounds toxic and jealous.

Having your own opinion is a crime as afar as she’s concerned.

ICantBelieve. That’s a really interesting way of putting it. My mother is exactly the same then gets defensive if my opinion differs. I try to tell her as little as possible because anythig I say will be used in the Curt of mother then she accuses me of being secretive.

It’s impossible to win with this type of character and I concur with your advice of reducing contact. It is the only way.

Oh and I also wouldn’t buy a new build. My dream though is to self build.

I've heard horror stories about new builds. Your house sounds like my house. I bought an ex council in a less popular area. We have a small mortgage that will be paid off by the time I'm in my mid 40's. We have 3 bedrooms and a nice back garden for future DC to play in. I wouldn't change it for the world. Enjoy your new house and try your best to tune out her negativity. For what it's worth a family member that was buying their house at the same time as us was encouraged to buy a newer bigger house by her DM. They are getting divorced now and neither of them can afford the place on their own. It's an extra headache for them that they didn't need.

You don't have to put up with this much longer, so try to let it wash over you. It's not 'her opinion'. It's her cover story for losing control over you, and I suspect (based on the trust fund) that she hates it that you're getting something nice. For whatever reason your DB is the golden boy and you're the whipping boy, she doesn't think you deserve it. Out of interest, does your DB have his own home, or is the house something that you'll have and he doesn't?

As pp have said, and sad as it is, she's never going to want you to have nice things and she's never going to be the mum you want her to be. Make your own life with your lovely DP in your lovely house, and let her crack on. When you're not under her roof it's your call how much contact you have with her. And NEVER let her have a key.

Hi OP - I think you're doing great. If she comes along with her "no one wants old houses" crap - say "Well, if it's good enough for the Royal Family, it's good enough for me". All of their houses (ok, most of them are castles) are not new. Far from it.
Also if she says "It's my opinion and I'm allowed it" beat her at her own game. Throw some of your opinions at her "You are treating me like a second class citizen in comparison to X (golden child who had the trust fund)" or whatever you like to throw out there and follow up with "It's my opinion and I'm allowed it".
If she still keeps going, tell her that if she has nothing nice to say you're going to tell her to leave and follow through on that. If she can't be polite in your company and respect that you're an adult with your own choices/decisions etc., you're going to tell her to leave.

Best of luck to you in the house purchase.

Just to throw this out there, my DB works in construction (has his own company) and does very well for himself so he knows what he's talking about. He says he would never buy a new build as he knows how poor quality they are compared to old houses. So ignore what your mum says, she probably doesn't know much.

This. My very good friend is a builder and he says the same.

I have an old house.

Looked at new builds, but love the size of these rooms and ceiling height and solid walls.

Happy move lass!

We had a choice between a new build and a 1930s semi. When we looked properly at the new build, we realised that, even though it was (nominally) a three bedroom house, we would struggle to fit in the furniture from our one bedroom flat, and it had the most ridiculous design faults like a kitchen door you couldn't open without hitting anyone standing at the stove. The 1930s place had twice as much space and a much better garden, and we've had to do minimal work on it. Why on earth wouldn't people want an old house?

Your mother has no taste, and does not know what she's talkign about. But you know this isn't about the house. This is about her having control.

I would push through the sale as quickly as possible. You will be much happier once you aren't living with her. She sounds utterly poisonous.

Stop telling her stuff. Then she has no ammunition. When she starts voicing her opinion, tell her that's great, but you've heard it many times before and it's none of her business. Then walk away.

Thank you everyone. I agree she is crazy to slag off old houses. A lot of first time buyers are buying older houses as they don’t want to be tied to a large mortgage. It’s a first house, all that matters is that we are happy there. I’m very much looking forward to it. I do see how new builds appeal to many people though, it just isn’t an option for us realistically.

Heeding some of your advice, I completely agree that there needs to be something in place to protect me. I am on the mortgage and will be on the deeds, I will be paying my share of mortgage and bills, we both work full time and earn roughly the same. DP’s deposit was inheritance he acquired when he was younger.

Unfortunately I can’t live with him while all this goes through because he lives at home too, except his parents aren’t abusive and are doing everything they can to help us and make things easier. I’m just going to have to ride it out. :(

My brother is now 15 and they always brag that he will be able to buy a nice car (I had to buy a banger that conked out) and will be able to put a deposit down on a place of his own. It boils my urine

OP don't let her steal your thunder. You enjoy looking forward to your new home. Be of the same dialogue that if you had some capital behind you like your brother has, you would have more of a say but seeing it's DP deposit you have to allow him to have more leverage on the overall decision. She seems so bitter. Well seeing her track record has always been to undermine/overlook you, I would say putting as much mileage between the 2 of you would only be to your advantage!

OP how long before you move out from your DM's? You've made the right decision about the house - so can you just ignore her/change the subject/or just ask her what her problem is? Is your DF around?

Another one asking you to make sure you're on the mortgage/deeds.

Op the financial unfairness is so weird I would ask right out why you are treated differently. I can’t imagine there is an acceptable answer to it!

Have you posted before op? It sounds familiar. Just try keep your head down until you can escape. Your mum is clearly bitter and jealous and is realising she can't control you. Detach detach detach and go low contact when you move. My mums the same, nothing I do is good enough.

We've just bought an old house many people would not want. Kind relatives say 'it will be lovely when you've made it your own'.

Buying your first home is terrifically exciting. Share that excitement with joyful friends and family. Be glad you are a drive away from your mum.

yesornoworld

Your mother sounds like mine before I went no contact with her.

We bought our first house together and she rubbished it, she was obsessed with the size of the third bedroom ok it was tiny but would comment on DB having 3 good sized bedrooms. Just little snidey remarks like that.

I think it’s jealousy

^its hard but I’m trying. Exactly! I would have more say but I’ve had no savings or anything put in place for when this inevitably happens. I have always paid them rent as well.

We will be in the house in 6 weeks. I can’t wait. My dad is around but she terrorises him too so when she was having her tirade he just sat there. He wants a quiet life. Frustrating but never mind.

I don’t understand the financial unfairness. I can only think that maybe they once over did have something for me but decided to spend it on other things.

oliviabenson yes I have posted before :( but things have gotten worse since then.

Mother aside. What does your father say to you having no trust fund?