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Original poster

DM being a bitch about my choice of home

154 replies

Scuzzlet · 01/09/2018 09:58

So some of you may remember my previous thread about finally moving out with DP. I mentioned how crap my family can be; constantly favouring my brother, adding money to a trust fund since he was born but having sweet FA in place for me; and just generally downplaying, rubbishing, poo-pooing my achievements and making me feel like I’m not good enough.

The house we were buying didn’t pass the survey so we were back to square one. It was very disappointing. Since then we have found a house in the same street with 3 bedrooms instead of 2, and a lovely kitchen extension, upstairs bathroom etc. It was initially a bit more expensive than we would have liked but we made an offer 4K less than the asking price and it has been accepted. (It’s a terraced house on a quiet street with a big front garden - rather cute. We are first time buyers and don’t want a ridiculous mortgage round our necks for a new build where neither of us will be able to turn around)

Which now brings me to the point of my thread - I’m trying to keep it short and sweet. My mother has been a total bitch about it. Shoving her unwanted opinion down my throat, telling me “no one fucking wants old houses” , making me feel like shit, and guilty for wanting this or like I shouldn’t be happy about it. She is pushing us to buy a new build!!! It’s not even like she wants the best for me because if she did she would have put away some money just like she did for the child prodigy my younger brother..

She is also saying that we shouldn’t be moving where we are (it’s DP’s hometown - a 15 minutes drive from mine - and he is the one with the deposit - without him this wouldn’t be happening, he has happily let me choose all the furnishings, decor, we are even having one of the bedrooms as my “getting ready” room with a dressing table etc which i think will be lovely) she keeps saying “THIS IS MY OPINION IM ALLOWED IT” yes but not when you’re making me feel so upset.

The funny thing is, she wouldn’t even be able to afford the house she and my dad live in now if it wasn’t for him and his job (built new 16 years ago, I don’t know how she can be so snobby!!) she is making out we are moving into a broom cupboard. Hasn’t even seen the house. I’m really upset. I wish she could have been supportive. I just feel like I can’t be excited or optimistic about this. I’m gutted. :(

OP posts:
annandale · 01/09/2018 11:13

I'd think your relationship will improve when you move out.

You need to start thinking of her as just another human being and not as the immense all knowing Mother. Just laugh and change the subject.

Crunchymum · 01/09/2018 11:14

No doubt if you'd gone for a new build she'd have found fault with that

Shame the new house is only a 15 minute drive away!!

batshitbetty · 01/09/2018 11:14

We specifically excluded new builds when we were looking - some are lovely, but certainly around here a new build means houses piled on top of each other, no parking, teeny gardens and a ridiculous amount of bathrooms but hardly any living space or kitchen. Plus one the same size of ours would be double the price of our lovely 1950s ex council property with its large driveway and garden!

Yes, she's entitled to her opinion but you are also entitled to ignore it

Jumpsuitcoverme · 01/09/2018 11:15

Your house sounds lovely! We brought a Victorian terrace last year which I purposely sought out! I love old houses. I wouldn’t touch a new build perpsonally. Some are fine but I like the character of old houses.

My ex brought a new build and he was telling me the other day it’s already subsiding / the whole estate (or village as they call it) is having issues & the developers are struggling to sell the remaining houses.

FanWithoutAGuard · 01/09/2018 11:17

Shoving her unwanted opinion down my throat, telling me “no one fucking wants old houses”

What absolute nonsense is this. Most people buy 'second hand' houses for Christs sake. I prefer an older house (controversial opinion, but 60s - sure, they're not lookers, but they're brick built, generally with fireplace and garden).

Listen to everyone here, she's just looking for things to say to bring you down - what you're buying sounds absolutely perfect for you, and well thought through.

WhereIsMyDressingGown · 01/09/2018 11:19

Your house sounds lovely. I'd love a house like that. You and your DP have clearly worked hard to get where you are.

Do not let your DM ruin this really exciting time. I would personally cut contact with her/talk to her only minimally, at least while you're going through this really exciting and important house-buy process.

Santaclarita · 01/09/2018 11:21

Huh? You just have someone come in and sweep them annually. They do it by vacuum extraction, there is no dust anywahere, you don't need to keep a chimney clean otherwise. Costs me about 50 quid for both. I've never seen any house with soot all over it.

Yes that is the sensible option. But my dad thinks that he can do it just the same as a professional. He can't obviously, but he likes to try. Usually with all of his diy failures on the house and cars it would have been cheaper to just pay someone to do it. But he doesn't see that.

thebeesknees123 · 01/09/2018 11:22

My first home was an old house and I loved it. It was full of character and it's not true no one wants old houses.They are very sought after in this area and hold their value. The new builds, while lovely, have tiny gardens.

Yes, it's a shame she doesn't like it but you love it and, yes, she's allowed her opinion but it doesn't give her the God given right to express it.

And wtf to her building a trust fund for your sibling. I'd be telling her my house is so shit because you give all your money to my brother

Topseyt · 01/09/2018 11:24

Ignore your mother. She is talking shit.

Look forward to the day you move out of your parents' house and into your own. Don't bother telling her where it is, and once you have moved in you can cut or minimise contact with her.

I would echo the words of caution above though. Make sure that you and DP are buying the house in your joint names, not solely in his. Your names should both be on the deeds as well as on the mortgage. You should also contribute as equally as possible. Deeds of Trust can be drawn up too, I think. You contribute as equally as possible in all ways. Your solicitor can advise and sort all of this and it makes you both less vulnerable if things do go wrong (which they hopefully won't, but you never know).

Viviennemary · 01/09/2018 11:25

The survey thing can happen to anyone. Not your fault at all. Your Mother sounds toxic. Take a break from her for a while.

midsomermurderess · 01/09/2018 11:27

Ignore her. If you have to see her just nod, say 'mm, if you say so' and leave as soon as possible. What on earth does this horrible sour woman being to your life? And what ever you do, don't by a rabbit-hutch new build, you'll regret it.

PuppyMonkey · 01/09/2018 11:33

Don’t engage with her when she tries to start an argument about it. If she starts bringing the subject up, get up and say: “Just need the loo.” Go to your room and stay there for a bit. Keep repeating (even if if means you don’t eat together etc). Keep distracting, leave the room, change the subject.

whyayepetal · 01/09/2018 11:33

Really sound advice from Annie there ^ OP. Your house sounds lovely - hope all goes well now with purchase. My mother was very similar to yours, so I know how damaging the constant dripping criticism is (I also had a "golden" little brother!)

Putting a bit of distance between yourself and DM is probably a good idea - that and developing a smile, nod, agree and ignore policy for all her helpful thoughts Wink

Flexoset · 01/09/2018 11:34

"It's my opinion, I'm allowed it."

She's allowed to HAVE an opinion. But she has no right to keep shoving it down your throat. A kind or even polite person would not be saying that opinion out loud at all - certainly not in that way, and repeatedly, after you've asked her not to.

I would be tempted to come out with some choice comments about her and her decisions, and then use the "It's my opinion, I'm allowed it" line if she has any objections.

Or just go No Contact. I would.

NameChangedAgain18 · 01/09/2018 11:35

Your DP sounds lovely (though I hope you will be on the deeds and also would recommend getting married-you need that security given you have no family support).

This is good advice, OP.

ToadOfSadness · 01/09/2018 11:43

Tell her that people do want 'fucking old houses' - I wouldn't have a new build, they are devoid of character and warmth.

ChangerChangerson · 01/09/2018 11:47

Ignore her.

Old houses are the 'in thing' at the mkment as they usually have more character.

Also, my job works closely with new build developers and knowing what I know I would avoid one like the plague so they're not as amazing as people make them out to be.

Disclaimer - some new builds are ok and don't have issues Wink

xJessica · 01/09/2018 11:48

I'd much rather have an old house than a new build, so much more character and space and better built. Your new house sounds lovely. Enjoy and ignore your DM and her unwanted opinions. Easier said than done, I know Flowers

thecatsthecats · 01/09/2018 11:48

Yeah, nobody likes old houses. That's why my parents house (bought decades ago) is worth close to a million now.

Your mum sounds awful and her opinion is worth nothing. And no, she doesn't have a right to expressing her opinion without also facing up to how it makes you feel. I would be looking forward to being further away from her!

OctaviaOctober · 01/09/2018 11:50

Have you ever asked her where your trust fund is? Point out it could help you get a nicer house.

If I were you, I'd have a big blowout over the way they have treated your brother better, and then just cut them out of your life.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2018 11:50

Actually you could do the passive aggressive thing and wind her up

"Oh old houses are so in now, didn't you know? Such better build quality. No one wants new builds anymore. Don't worry though, yours is also old"

And wander off. You could even add in a few comments like her kitchen or bathroom looks dated and has she considered replacing. 🤣

Knittedfairies · 01/09/2018 11:53

Your mother is allowed an opinion, just as you’re allowed to ignore it! Drop the rope when she starts blathering on; if you don’t engage with her at all, she’ll have nothing to pull on.
Your new house sounds lovely; it’s a very exciting time for you - don’t let your mother spoil it.

WineAndTiramisu · 01/09/2018 11:55

I'd be tempted to just agree with her, say "you're probably right" to everything she says, then she can't argue with you and just carry on with what you want to do! It won't be for long, push for a quick completion Grin

I'd never buy a new build, expensive and tiny rooms usually with no storage space!

supadupapupascupa · 01/09/2018 11:56

When you move out she will lose control of you. You are showing that you are a success without her. She clearly doesn’t want this for you. The best thing you can do is stay cheerful, be excited, keep going, and not let her bring you down. The day you go she will be devestated.

Santaclarita · 01/09/2018 11:58

And wander off. You could even add in a few comments like her kitchen or bathroom looks dated and has she considered replacing. 🤣

Ooh yes do that. People like her are so easy to wind up, you can spend their money for them with little persuasion. Say the whole house looks dated, and even prove it through brochures and stuff.

Then when she's replaced it all, do it again.