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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM being a bitch about my choice of home

154 replies

Scuzzlet · 01/09/2018 09:58

So some of you may remember my previous thread about finally moving out with DP. I mentioned how crap my family can be; constantly favouring my brother, adding money to a trust fund since he was born but having sweet FA in place for me; and just generally downplaying, rubbishing, poo-pooing my achievements and making me feel like I’m not good enough.

The house we were buying didn’t pass the survey so we were back to square one. It was very disappointing. Since then we have found a house in the same street with 3 bedrooms instead of 2, and a lovely kitchen extension, upstairs bathroom etc. It was initially a bit more expensive than we would have liked but we made an offer 4K less than the asking price and it has been accepted. (It’s a terraced house on a quiet street with a big front garden - rather cute. We are first time buyers and don’t want a ridiculous mortgage round our necks for a new build where neither of us will be able to turn around)

Which now brings me to the point of my thread - I’m trying to keep it short and sweet. My mother has been a total bitch about it. Shoving her unwanted opinion down my throat, telling me “no one fucking wants old houses” , making me feel like shit, and guilty for wanting this or like I shouldn’t be happy about it. She is pushing us to buy a new build!!! It’s not even like she wants the best for me because if she did she would have put away some money just like she did for the child prodigy my younger brother..

She is also saying that we shouldn’t be moving where we are (it’s DP’s hometown - a 15 minutes drive from mine - and he is the one with the deposit - without him this wouldn’t be happening, he has happily let me choose all the furnishings, decor, we are even having one of the bedrooms as my “getting ready” room with a dressing table etc which i think will be lovely) she keeps saying “THIS IS MY OPINION IM ALLOWED IT” yes but not when you’re making me feel so upset.

The funny thing is, she wouldn’t even be able to afford the house she and my dad live in now if it wasn’t for him and his job (built new 16 years ago, I don’t know how she can be so snobby!!) she is making out we are moving into a broom cupboard. Hasn’t even seen the house. I’m really upset. I wish she could have been supportive. I just feel like I can’t be excited or optimistic about this. I’m gutted. :(

OP posts:
Elephant14 · 01/09/2018 10:40

Dont give this woman any headspace. Move out, move on. Don't invite her round FFS otherwise she will be shitting on your parade not raining on it!!

So glad you can strike out on your own well done.

Badtasteflump · 01/09/2018 10:41

Oh dear - living with her must be exhausting. Maybe she upping the ante because deep down she knows you're moving on (figuratively and literally) to your new life, in your lovely new home with your lovely DP, and she knows that means she's losing her control over you.

Nasty people like her need somebody to direct all their anger and bitterness at. If you're not there to take it, she'll have to find somebody else. I would smile and nod and walk away on moving day knowing you're finally escaping - and let somebody else be her whipping boy.

If it helps, try to turn around your perception of her. Don't see her as an all-powerful being with opinions that matter. See her as a somebody to pity - from a distance - because she's too damaged to even be kind to her own daughter. How sad to be so limited that she can only try to have a hold on somebody by putting them down and trying to keep them close by making them miserable.

You have a new and better life waiting and she knows it. Don't let her attempts to keep you down work Flowers

longwayoff · 01/09/2018 10:42

She sounds vile. House sounds lovely. She will never change towards you, not your fault, is the way she is. So stuff her and do what you want to do.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 01/09/2018 10:43

Ignore her. Old houses have so much more character and can be deceptively spacious. I live in one and it's a million times nicer and bigger than the more expensive new build we looked at. Enjoy your new home!

JynxaSmoochum · 01/09/2018 10:44

Funny how these negative types mis-interpret their behaviour as being yours. I gradually stopped phoning my mother because of the constant drip-drip of negativity. She didn't bother picking up the phone either. There were some bigger issues too, but the drip-drip was the most damaging to our relationship.

Obviously reducing contact is not much help when you're currently stuck under the same roof for the time being. Until then, tell her as little as possible. Shutting conversation down with "that's your choice, this is mine" may help.

The house sounds great. Yes, old houses need maintainence, but that's what you expect. New houses can have lots of snagging problems, sometimes pretty major. Getting the developer to address them can be very stressful too. Sometimes the decor options just aren't to your taste and you end up lumping things that aren't ideal because they are too new to replace. Older things are much easier to justify changing. Good luck with moving to a lovely home away from your unpleasant mother.

InProgress · 01/09/2018 10:44

Agree that older property have more space and bigger gardens than new builds.

As an aside I hope your name is going on the mortgage too. If it isn't then in the future if you split up (and haven't got married) you'd have no claim on your home. You could well find yourself back living with your DM.

Badtasteflump · 01/09/2018 10:44

And btw - I love old houses. My first house was a victorian terrace and it was beautiful Smile

Whereisthegin1978 · 01/09/2018 10:44

Ignore her (as best you can) and chat to friends who can share your excitement.
Your new place sounds lovely - enjoy setting up home.

HelloToYou · 01/09/2018 10:47

Just like my mum... VERY manipulative and controlling!
Any chance you could move in with your dp before you buy?

onetimeposter · 01/09/2018 10:47

Fuck her, and never ever invite her round.
She will always scapegoat you, so stop hoping for acceptance. Your DP sounds lovely (though I hope you will be on the deeds and also would recommend getting married-you need that security given you have no family support).

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/09/2018 10:52

Yes, she's allowed her opinion, but perhaps she wouldn't mind keeping it to herself unless you ask for it.

She sounds a toxic bitch, to be honest. Stay out of her way and avoid talking to her about your plans.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2018 10:55

but the chimney is a pain in the ass to keep clean and my dad rarely did it right so the house was covered in soot

Huh? You just have someone come in and sweep them annually. They do it by vacuum extraction, there is no dust anywahere, you don't need to keep a chimney clean otherwise. Costs me about 50 quid for both. I've never seen any house with soot all over it.

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2018 10:57

Whilst you are living with her, lower your expectations.

Accept the type of person that she is and try to see how she is very lacking, so her opinion isn't worth her spouting it.

Have you been on the Stately Homes threads? and read the links. It will help you to not take anything she says as fact, or personal. Her comments are all about her, not anything to do with you.

You will never get it right. She would have found fault with a New Build.

Would you want to be her? Live in her head? No? Then take it as a compliment that she doesn't like your choices and you have nothing in common.

At least start with very Low Contact when you move, not in your house, but still their's. Shut her down when she starts and tell her straight. If she won't stop, then go NC. You'll be amazed at how good it feels to be free.

Have answers, such as "you can have an opinion, just don't voice it". "If you can't think before you speak and apply, 'is it necessary/kind/helpful" then just shut the fuck up. I did it with my own Mother who did eventually watch what she said around me. But I had periods of NC, to make her understand that I was serious.

Barbadosgirl · 01/09/2018 10:58

I am very jealous about your "getting ready" room. Ignore- house sounds lovely!

Loonoon · 01/09/2018 10:58

Your new home sounds lovely. Your mum sounds awful. I bet you can’t wait to get out of there. Try to remember you can’t change her, you can only change your own behaviour. Nod and smile and count the days until you move away.

Once you are out and free, maybe consider some counselling. It sounds like your family has worn you down so much you have no confidence in your own choices or much sense of self worth.

And finally - stop dissing new builds people. We bought one 11 years ago and we still love it. Massive hallways, huge reception rooms, very flexible room arrangements, three bathrooms and yes - a SMALL garden (we bloody hate gardening). Old houses are also lovely but this executive detached is 100% my dream home.

CaveMaman · 01/09/2018 10:58

Congratulations on your new home, it sounds lovely.

I would just ignore your mum. To shut her down, maybe think of one answer to reply and keep repeating it... something like "I'm really happy with my new home" or similar.

FASH84 · 01/09/2018 10:59

Ignore her! Lots and lots of people prefer old houses, we purposefully looked for one, they have more character, and usually more space and bigger gardens than new builds. My DN bought a newish build about ten years old, we bought ours after and now he says his next house will be an older one, he's had loads of issues and in his words the walls are made of cardboard. Nothing wrong with a solid old house. Your mum is just awful, if you'd bought a new build she'd slate that too, she sounds very jealous of the life you have achieved for yourself. Chin up, water off a duck's back.

DaphneDiligaf · 01/09/2018 11:01

Tell her you want a chandelier and so you need high ceilings and watch her get her snobby head around that.

VimFuego101 · 01/09/2018 11:06

I wouldn't want a new build, everyone I know who bought one has had no end of issues. She would find fault if you moved into a palace.

IndigoSpritz · 01/09/2018 11:07

All the house stuff aside, this thread makes me wonder why, or even how, some people become parents in the first place. This 'DM' sounds utterly unsuited to motherhood.

needyourlovingtouch · 01/09/2018 11:09

When I move house, neither parents or pil will be told any details. MIL shafted us last time.

TheLionRoars1110 · 01/09/2018 11:09

Your house sounds really nice. Just remember that none of this is anything to do with you. She can't think of you as a separate person with your own opinions so this is difficult for her to accept.
Once you move itll be easy to go no contact or reduce contact. not giving her any info about important things in your life will help you manage her. Ask her lots of questions so she can't ask you anything and won't have any information she can use against you.

RedRobin87 · 01/09/2018 11:10

To be fair, given the choice I would want a new build. Contrary to some people thinking they are badly built and small, ours has a big garden, loads of parking and well built.

However, I don't see why any one would judge someone for buying an older place - it's all down to personal preference.

I would just ignore her.

OftenHangry · 01/09/2018 11:10

Ignore her. Buy the house you like and enjoy your new home. X

grumiosmum · 01/09/2018 11:11

What an absurd thing for her to be snobbish about. Old houses are far nicer, better built and with more character. Mine goes back to the 17th century in parts!

I would never, ever buy a new build - poky rooms, tiny gardens on identical estates that go on for ever & are impossible to find your way around. With stupid made-up names.