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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

387 replies

Babydusst · 31/08/2018 22:06

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already Sad

OP posts:
Rarfy · 01/09/2018 08:43

Just wanted to add where i am up north for a house with two gardens and garage youre looking at 650 - 800 in a niceish area. Wages are much less too but i can see its much less than your flat. Id do a bit more research.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/09/2018 08:49

Hmmm...how old are his older children?
Fastest journey from York to London is 1hr 47minutes on a train.

You don't have enough space for his children to stay over and thats really shit. If you move they could stay for half terms, weekends and school holidays.
You will need help and support with your 2 small kids..A LOT of it..
YANBU
It sounds like move up north would be best long term and for the family.
His kids getting their own space at your house would be a huge bonus for them and 2hr journey on a train is not too bad.

Sirzy · 01/09/2018 08:50

Pipe although onlh seeing them in the day isn’t ideal seeing them regularly in the day is much more ideal than being at the other end of the country so onlh being able to see them school holidays and when it can be fitted in!

WhiteCat1704 · 01/09/2018 08:58

How much can be truly see thrm in a day if he works long hour, shifts 6 days a week and also has a baby at home?

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/09/2018 09:03

Good to see you're considering locations op, and not Yorkshire! Just to add though that I wouldn't touch Luton with a barge pole. The kind of parts of Luton you'll be able to afford are just awful.

I can recommend St Neots, Huntingdon, Peterborough - all on mainline into Kings Cross in around an hour and if you get Great Northern or Thameslink off peak not extortionate.

ginandnappies · 01/09/2018 09:04

Wait, so you want to move closer to your family and you're upset your DP doesn't want to move away from his DC is London? Am I missing something?

Original poster
Babydusst · 01/09/2018 09:11

I've noticed a couple of posters still flaming me for the Yorkshire thing, I don't expect people to read the entire thread so I'll just mention it again here.

I've realised its unreasonable and as much as I think it would be best for my children I accept its absolutely not for his older ones.

I had good intentions when I suggested it and wasn't trying to be difficult, I was envisioning a family home setting where his children could spend whole weekends, half terms (if they wanted to) and more quality time with their dad as opposed to sitting around in a cramped flat of a day time where there is no space to sleep

But it is off the table now

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 01/09/2018 09:11

If you get a 2bed you can have sofabed for visiting family, including his kids, or give kids bigger bedroom and let them all double up in there occasionally. The extra room wil make difference, esp if separate kitchen 2 hour journey is manageable, but it's not like being able to come and go, keep up with friends, go to school sports day etc
There are loads of cheaper places in and just outside London, some might be a bit shabby but all will improve as ppl are priced out. Commuter belt in south and west is expensive.
This might be pie in the sky for now, but with 'help to buy' it can be cheaper than renting. It's the deposit, and maintainance costs which are scary

Ellen7262 · 01/09/2018 09:19

When I fell pregnant with DD we moved from Central London to Maldon, Essex. You couldn't pay me enough to go back to London now. However you do have ties to London because of your DSC, so you need to consider where you would move to. Moving North would be unreasonable, yes. But moving to a less expensive area with good transport links to where your DSC live would not be.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 01/09/2018 09:23

Your DP has not been very responsible. His fourth child when things are already tight and you're living in a one bed flat. Whatever solution you come up with, he would do well to consider vasectomy.

Pootlebug · 01/09/2018 09:23

Very family oriented area and round the corner from lovely park, several outstanding schools nearby:
www.rightmove.co.uk/s6p/75300533

Missingstreetlife · 01/09/2018 09:27

Go and look at a couple of bigger flats, get an idea of the area you can afford. Don't be snobbish, there are a few places not safe after dark, often near tubes, but mostly residential areas ok. Parts of Luton are fine
Wages may be less up north, we looked at going to wales because it's cheap but couldn't earn enough, even in same job.

Original poster
Babydusst · 01/09/2018 09:29

For context our current flat isn't just small, its a studio. Our living room/dining room/kitchen are all in one space, then we have a bathroom and one bedroom.

I appreciate I've jumped the gun a lot but hope people can understand why given the living conditions. It was a panic. Admittedly I haven't done too much research as of yet, but whenever I have had a quick browse for London properties they've always been astronomical. DP refused to (until last night) leave the area were in whatsoever so I was basing most of my searches around SE London where we are now. I've also felt defeatist about needing several thousand up front to move down this way and we just don't have that, so after knowing my Dsis
in Huddersfield got in a property for under £500 and pays a meagre amount of rent - I thought wow that is the answer to my prayers.

Upon reflection it was far too big a move to expect DP to agree to for sure

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/09/2018 09:30

I roomy 2 bed house further out of London could be ideal.

1 bed for you and 1 bed for your shared DC then when older DC come and stay you and DP sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge. That could work really well for several years.

How old are his DC?

serbska · 01/09/2018 09:30

Your DP has not been very responsible. His fourth child when things are already tight and you're living in a one bed flat. Whatever solution you come up with, he would do well to consider vasectomy

Quite

I would love to see the data on education level and earnings of oarents and number of children they have.

I expect there is an inverse relationship unfortunately.

RandomMess · 01/09/2018 09:31

Presumably you have applied for housing benefit as you may get partial help?

Certainly in a 2 bed with 2 DC and DSC staying over it may be more likely?

longestlurkerever · 01/09/2018 09:35

Hatfield looks like it might be affordable

longestlurkerever · 01/09/2018 09:37

Sorry, just saw you were SE London. Kent your best bet then, or maybe Essex, depending on train lines.

Viola82 · 01/09/2018 09:38

Tell him to move or find a job that will pay for a bigger place in London!
Surely you need to consider what's best for your growing family and every day life.

ginandnappies · 01/09/2018 09:39

@PaulDacreRimsGeese I'm hoping your joking because no one is that silly.

longestlurkerever · 01/09/2018 09:40

This refers to "intermediate market rent scheme" which might be worth looking into? www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-73945199.html

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/09/2018 09:42

@Babydusst

I think some men are more practical so can't really see the "what if's?" for the future. Whilst I initially suggested sofa-bed and everyone being stuffed into your 1-bed, it was so your DH could then physically see how difficult it would be and then accept things needed to change. I think it's why some men stick their heads in the sand, because they just can't visualise the change needed until they literally experience it first-hand!

As it is you and your DH have had a good chat and I hope you're now on the way to getting the solution you both feel happy with.

onetimeposter · 01/09/2018 09:42

I'd go on your own.
You will get the stability you need. When baby is about 1 start looking for a degree course which leads for a job-perhaps one of the allied health professions.
If he loves you he will come. But this is the only way you will get the home you need. If he only sees his children on the weekend then tbh they will probably get to the new house in a similar time to yours, if they are in another part of London. Good luck x

Original poster
Babydusst · 01/09/2018 09:43

We're not entitled to housing benefit as DP works full time and me part, he earns "enough" to afford the rent without HB but its a struggle.

We don't live beyond our means and are quite frugal, but after rent and bills and DP paying £200pm maintenance (which obviously he should) we're left with just enough money to cover essentials such as food and utilities, DD's things.

I feel trapped because although we can just about afford to live in this flat we can't afford to move, but we really need to.

Luckily his older DC aren't in this position because their mother has a housing association house, we can't get one of those.

DP is still paying back a loan he had to take out to cover the upfront costs of moving in here, it was around £3k by the time we stepped foot over the threshold what with rent in advance, a deposit and fees.

OP posts:
DrowsyDragon · 01/09/2018 09:48

Hey OP, I wonder if it would help if you could frame moving to Luton or similar distance as a chance to see more of his children from the other relationship? If you have a three bed in Luton (for example) you could at least for awhile have DD in her room, new baby with you and space for theDSC to stay? Might that help? He must miss doing the full day and night parenting with them.