To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

[Babydusst]

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already

Ask him if he would consider Luton. It's only a 1 hr drive away from London and quicker by train and much much cheaper.

Hi OP good on you for taking the advice on the thread and taking Yorkshire off the table, sounds like that was causing him to just shut down any conversation so hopefully you’ll start getting somewhere now. Just wanted to say as well if you’re 8 weeks pregnant, you’ll have known you were pregnant for a maximum of about 4 weeks right? I am 8 weeks pregnant too, and to me that four weeks feels FOREVER, but to your partner it probably doesn’t feel very long at all ( I think when you’re the one growing the baby, feeling sick and tired and worrying about every twinge it just feels a lot more real). So I do completely get why you want to discuss things and know you have a plan in place NOW, but it’s also understandable that he’s taking more time to process it and start thinking about solutions. Sounds like you’re getting somewhere anyway, good luck OP!

He's prioritising his older DCs and you're prioritising the new baby. None of the children take precedence over the other, and you and DP have to come to a compromise that works for everyone. Inevitably that will involve a bit of sacrifice on both sides, so he needs to man up and accept that. Can't believe he's letting you seriously consider an abortion! Don't be railroaded into that when it's not what you want! You and the baby matter just as much as him and his older kids!! This isn't about his convenience and preferences any more. This is about caring for four children who all need their parents. As lots of PPs have said, there are lots of cheaper places to live not to far away as Yorkshire. Hope you can get him to sit down and see all this and talk it through x

Go and see the council. Most councils have schemes where they will lend funds for deposits. Then you can start looking for somewhere bigger. Some councils have connections with local landlords who will take applicants from the council.

Register with Places For People. They advertise HA places that don't require local authority nominations, and are available for people who work.

Homefinder UK is soon going to start advertising places from private landlords, so keep an eye on their website.

I'd apply to go on the council's housing register anyway, even though it's likely to be a long wait. There are new properties being built by councils and HA's and they often have a small proportion of properties reserved for working families (or, as they call them "economically active").

I'm glad you've backtracked on Yorkshire. There must be cheaper places that are further out but still near enough for DP to have regular contact with his older children!

Are there any possible options in your current area? I live in London and rents can be cheaper when they are further away from the nearest tube station etc? I wonder in your area if that might be the case and there might be an opportunity to move to a slightly less advantageous part of the area that gives you more space?

Well done OP. You've managed to moce things forward really well. I really hope that you can both sit down and research together, and come up with something really good.

I don't know what the HV would say about your space but who cares really? More important is how you feel about it. While few posters are citing friends who live 4 to a 1 bed flat with the parents sleeping on the sofa that is really far from pleasant and wouldn't make me feel like I had a good quality of life. I know people have done that for generations but they also used to hand wash all their clothes and I wouldn't want a return to that either.

It sounds like you will both be able to come up with something that can work and hopefully eventually you can move into training for a career you really want too.

I think I’d keep the baby, cram everyone into one bedroom, and wait for him to ask to move...

Bless you OP. You've had a bit of a hard time on here (rightly, people have a big problem with abandoning 'first family' dc...) but you've taken it all in good spirit.

FWIW, your dp was being a right dick by shutting down and refusing to talk, and it's no wonder you were flailing about trying to find a solution. Glad he's opened up now, but remember that two people made this baby, and it's up to both of you to sort it all out. Don't let him put the onus on you.

Glad Yorkshire is no more

Congrats on preg

Yes you def need do move but to a 2bed. Not 3 to keep costs down

FWIW I’m Tonbridge. 45mins on train to Charing Cross and you could rent a 3bed house with parking and garden for the money you pay for a one bed flat

Sure there is cheaper still in London but few miles further out

Or get out of London and do KENT

But ideally be not more then an hour away from older children

If you want the baby - have the baby - with two children in a shoe box he will realise you need to move somewhere with more room.

I read so much like this on MN it appears to me that men often prioritise existing children whilst women prioritise unborn ones.

It also seems crazy common for women to prioritise their own children over their partners existing children and say things like
‘But they could visit us on weekends’ and feel as though this is them being 100% considerate of their DSC. I’m not blaming I just think nature leads women to prioritise their own offspring and this can cloud perception of fairness.

In your situation OP YABU to ask or expect your DP to move up North as this would inflict a long journey on your DSC and stop their father feeling as accessible to them.
YANBU to want to move up North yourself and given what you’ve said about family up there this is what you want to happen. It does sound like DP would rather abort than move which sucks but it’s an unplanned pregnancy and it sounds like he feels you’re asking him to choose between his two older children or this unplanned unborn one.

However, YANBU to want to move somewhere bigger as many posters are saying, I would look at the boundaries of London (easily commutable places) but be prepared that the cost of commute can often offset the savings on rent.

The situation you’re in sucks and I appreciate this child wasn’t planned and you 100% shouldn’t abort if you can’t live with that (I could never ever abort a healthy child and live with myself) but YABU to demand that your living conditions and life change In order to accommodate this accident. You knew the situation you were in and unless you are the 0.1% failure rate of good reliable contraception (injection, implant, coil..etc- which does happen but would make you 1-1000) then perhaps this could have been avoided, I also think the circumstances of this may play a part in his your DP views the pregnancy.

I know personally quite a few women who have had pill ‘accidents’ or other questionable situations arise in which they ‘accidentally’ concieved a second child they very much had wanted and DP’s felt a little hostile about it. (Not saying this is you as I don’t know the circumstances but I do know 100% that their are accidents and ‘accidents’)

We moved out of London for more or less the same reasons..both me and my husband had a long hours shift jobs, we were renting a one bed flat and when our little boy was born we realized that we will probably never be able to buy in London and with the jobs we had my husband would never see him properly, working nights and days..moved to West midlands when our little one was 4 months old, we were renting first a 3 bed house for £650 and this year we finally bought our own house, a 3 bed semi we would probably only dream of in London..my husband was born in London and most of his family still live there so it wasn't a easy decision to make but for us as a family it was the best we could do and we never regretted our decision, we visit his family very often and they also come here to us quite happily as for them it is always a couple of days out of London and away although it's only 2 hours drive..
Your situation is a bit different as your partner has his children also living there I would look into moving out but staying close enough for it to be convenient for everyone, do your research about the areas and how will your situation change, what would be the positives and also the challenges after the move..wish you best of luck and hope you come to agreement

Your DP is an arsehole.

Regardless of this pregnancy, you don’t have a home big enough for his other children to sleep over in, so he’s currently only seeing them during the day (and a lot of PPs seem to have missed that bit information!) and OP stated if they move, the DSC will be able to sleepover and spend proper time with their Dad.

So YANBU.

I wouldn't go ahead with a pregnancy in your situation, where you are overcrowded, your partner doesn't want it, and you only have a low paid part-time job. I am very glad we have the freedom to choose.

However, it sounds like you really want another child. Its totally unfair to suggest Yorkshire but, as other people have said, there are cheaper areas outside London. Its not the prettiest area, but I lived in a reasonable area near Slough for years, and you can get 2 bed flats for around £900. There are areas like this all around the outskirts of London.

Also, your DH works 12 hours a day and you are part-time. If you have no money then you should raise your hours. Bringing home the bacon isn't just the man's job.

Well done OP. I too don't think it's awful for your dp to want, or at least be open to, a termination. If this unplanned pregnancy was what he really wanted now, then it would have been planned, eh? He clearly feels the weight of responsibility. But plenty of loving relationships grow from this sort of start. One good thing about the jobs you mention is that they don't sound tied to London so even if you move to the commuter belt you don't actually have to pay for a commute if you can find jobs locally. Are the kids in North London? I think I'd look at Hertfordshire, Bedfordshire. If you give a rough location of where the kids are we can suggest more specific places. do you drive?

Being good at communicating doesn't just mean talking a lot. It also means being aware of the other person. Suggesting Yorkshire and abortion when neither were an option isn't good communication. Glad it's sorted now, but making 2 silly suggestions in a threatening way and expecting the other person to come up with viable solutions isn't the way to go.You both sound like nice sensible people though. Maybe you just got a bit carried away with the stress of the situation.

When you say up north where do you mean?

My London flatmate used to refer to Leamington Spa as "up north".

But anyway, it's not fair to ask a man to move several hours away from his children, who he has a good relationship with. You knew he had children before you had yours - could you not have anticipated this would be an issue?

He had his children before he met you.
You knew tour living situation when you failed to use birth control.
Suck it up rather than rip him away from his children.

Your comments “nothing would change are simple stupidity”. How long to you think his first dc would have to soend getting to and from your new place up north?

Incredibly selfish.

Somersetlady
RTFT
Where did she say she wasn't using birth control? 'Unplanned' could be an accident.

At least in the short term you could consider sleeping with your partner on a sofa bed in the front room, and making your room into the children's room. Lots of people in cities have to do that in situations where moving isn't an option. Not ideal perhaps, but OK short-term.

Also, as others have mentioned, if you do move to somewhere on London's commuter belt be very careful when looking at commuting times. Long commutes are debilitating for you (I know - I did 75 minutes each way for 9 years) and have a huge impact on childcare logistics (it's the reason we delayed starting a family until our work/life balance improved; it's all much more feasible now that we're both only 15 minutes' walk away from work!).

Guarantee you move up north and then youll be here complaining how you dont see your partner on weekends as he is travelling to london and is knackered.

An awful lot of us have suggested moving out of London but not too far. I also agree yorkshire in unrealistic. The train from Leeds to king cross takes two and a quarter hours and is not cheap.

The BBC website has articlecalled Londons most affordable commuter towns. Top of the list is Chatham, where you can rent a three bed with gardens for 900 or a two for 800.

The compromise here would be living in a commuter town on his ex's side of London where he could get work and you could get another part time job and possible access further or higher education to retrain.

I'm sure if you gave more details on jobs, best side of London etc the lovely mnetters with local knowledge would find you something.

What about Lincoln. Cheap and nice city with London 1 hour 40 by train