To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

[Babydusst]

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already

@PaulDacreRimsGeese I'm hoping your joking because no one is that silly.

You must be if you think I was.

If you go to your local council and explain your situation I’m sure you would qualify assistance. Surely they would assess your situation and see that 4 in a studio flat is not viable? That would be my first port of call for sure.

Can hou go full time? Condensed hours so it doesnt increase nursery fees?

Your entitlement may change when the baby's is born. I guess what can you do to start saving up to move in 6 months time, will the loan be paid off by then?

If the DSC start staying overnight that could affect housing benefit entitlement plus may reduce maintenance by a little to cover the increased travel costs of collecting/dropping off? Although £200 is not much for their mum tbf.

Can anyone loan you the £ that you reasonably expect to get back from the deposit on your current flat so you have to finance the rent in advance plus a bit more?

Looking at your situation I'd say you were quite selfish having a first child, let alone a 2nd.
You live in a studio flat, with no room for his first 2 DC to stay, which must make them feel like unwanted visitors when they come over.
He pays a minimum amount of maintenance (seriously, how does less than £25 a week cover the cost of a child?) He only sees his 1st kids at the weekend (or is it every other weekend?) So there's no contribution on his side to bedtime, homework, school runs etc.
Yet this is the man you thought it would be good to have 2 DC with?!?

Let us know where you eventually decide to move to. You've got pretty of time to decide before, and even after, the baby is born. At least you are on the same page now and it's obvious that dp will love the new baby when it arrives. At the moment he's thinking practically whilst you are thinking emotionally and practically. Because you are carrying the baby, it's more real for you.

Have decided I'm going to speak to my landlord who is quite lovely, explain the situation and ask her if she'd write a letter to the council explaining the overcrowding which we can take down there and see what help is available if any.

I still have just over 4 weeks to go until I'm in the 'safe zone' so maybe its best I wait until I hit 12 weeks when the pregnancy becomes more viable.

DP said this morning that a health visitor may also be able to write a letter of support if they think the cramped living conditions are adverse to the children, so that's something to consider.

Here's the stuff about the intermediate market rent scheme:

www.lqgroup.org.uk/renting-from-us/

I think I’d consider moving on my own to the area where you have other family, if it got to a choice between giving up a child I wanted and moving. It is a horrible situation all round - don’t think you are being at all unreasonable, but neither is he wrt his older children.

Also think you do need to look hard at retraining to boost income to get out of this mess.

I don't think I'd wait. These things can take a lot of time to sort out and you only have 29 weeks until full term, which isn't that long really. I'd use all the time available to me.

HV won't be bothered about cramped living space as long as the children and clean, fed, warm and loved. They'll have seen worse.

Ds2 slept in a travel cot for the first 8 months of his life. Wasn't ideal but he didn't care. New babies take up very little space particularly as this will be dc2 so you'll already have all the kit.

Now your dp has agreed to move there's no immediate rush so get on housing lists etc (dc2 won't be counted until they're actually here) and give yourself some breathing space.

How old are the other 2?

It sounds like dp still see them as his ‘real’ family.

You said they don’t cone to yours. Does he spend time with them in their house? With his ex? Is that where they used to live?

Whose name is your current tenancy in? You are in a precarious situation, only working part time, you would be homeless with no right to stay and no money to pay your own way if you broke up.

Have you ever discussed marriage?

In the long term I think you’d be better in Huddersfield in a cheap 2 bed council flat with free childcare and nurse training.

That’s a good future for you and your dcs.

@Sausagerollers Excuse me he pays what he can afford and is asked to. He isn't a high earner, he cannot give hundreds that he doesn't have. He is a factory night shift supervisor not an executive. He's working long nights in a job he hates to cover the costs of rent, maintenance and necessities. He has zero disposable money after he pays what he does, we live very frugally.

I refute being called selfish for having children. DD was planned, we were supposed to be living here short term then moving further afield. The goal posts were moved. I had planned to do a degree by now and train, finances haven't permitted that as we've been stuck here so I've needed to work shit jobs just to bring in some money.

If everybody waited until they were well off to have children there would be a low population. My DD is loved and cared for, she wants for nothing bar space and given the choice when older I'm pretty sure she'd tell us she's glad we had her.

There are people worse off than us who have many more children. We work to provide stability for the children, I intend to better my job prospects in the future.

We do not claim benefits or have children for benefits, my children are entitled to be here as much as children with wealthier backgrounds.

I don't think I'm selfish at all, not for having children anyway.

Yes exactly what sarahandduck said. Neither of you is in the wrong but he’s putting the interests of the older two over a better life for the younger one and the one you are expecting, and you need to consider long term, you don’t want to be stuck in a hospitality job for the next 10 years.

As someone who has been hugely overcrowded in a rented property I would not hold your breath. The council are simply not able to prioritise families with a roof over their head. They were sympathetic to us but essentially it’s pretty low down the list compared to homelessness and we waited 3 yrs and eventually borrowed money to move again. Still not ideal but that’s just the way things go. We had a contraception fail baby. (Coil)
I would imagine you’d go on the council waitlist, be allowed to bid but have no priority and not really be that successful with an overcrowding letter, we were not. You’d need to be evicted and facing homelessness for any real urgent help.
Currently I have 3 children sharing a room (2 girls and 1 boy ages 2-10) and the baby will go in there too eventually. We have a tiny room and they have the large.
You could get a decent sofa bed and sleep in the lounge and give your children the bedroom whilst you work out your next step.

Can't see OP having any real chance of a council property in London, but there are sometimes schemes that can help with the deposit for a bigger place?

@Sarahandduck18 love the name!

Tenancy is a joint one. Both of us are on it.

His older DC are teens and they do spend time at our flat but unfortunately don't stay over because there's no space.

We have discussed marriage and would both like to, although that wouldnt be a priority just yet what with everything else going on

Did the OP answer the question of how old her DPs older DC are? Couldn't see it.

Sounds to me like you got pregnant deliberately to force your DPs hand about moving. You had no right to blackmail him into moving him far away from his DC. Poor guy.

@ItsColdNow this baby was also a coil contraception failure, it took me a while to get my head around it

Thank you for the realities over overcrowding and where that leaves you in terms of help. It helps to know

@MadMum101 his DC are teens and Yorkshire is off the table now I've come to my senses, I just panicked and selfishly thought of my own children above his - primarily because they have security and stability here and mine do not. I've realised that was wrong of me and apologized to DP

*@MadMum101

Did the OP answer the question of how old her DPs older DC are? Couldn't see it.

Sounds to me like you got pregnant deliberately to force your DPs hand about moving. You had no right to blackmail him into moving him far away from his DC. Poor guy.*
How on earth did you deduce that? Are you usually this judgemental?

Will your sister support you whilst you retrain if you moved near her? Obviously there would be reciprocal help where you’d babysit for her. I don’t think housing is your main issue, just the most pressing short term one.

The really worrying thing is that you’ve not managed to retrain with one baby, so the life you’ve got is not giving you any prospects

Youre making excuses now. Plenty of people get good jobs and savings before having a child. Plenty of people weigh up their financies before having further children. Lots decide they can't afford another.

I also never believe failed contraception. Whenever someone i know gets pregnant unplanned it always turns out they didnt use any that one time or they didnt use it properly, eg i was sick and didnt think one time would matter...

There would not be ‘low population’ if everyone waited. We have too large a population atm. Yor dh now has 4 children. 4!

I think people might now be thinking how ridiculous a situation this is, is because you posted the cms figure. The wage would be incredibly low for £200 a month. You cannot afford your own children atm. Anyway, that’s now irrelevant because they are here. Now you have to find solutions. Better paid work, more hours for you. You dont have the luxury of being able to work part time.

How old are you op? Whag qualifications do you currently have? You need to be earning more NOW not in the distant future.

You can assume what you like, I was on the coil for goodness sake.

Who goes to the trouble of getting contraception just to then "blackmail" DP into moving.

That is an absurd suggestion

I really can’t get to grips with someone booking an abortion in that they really don’t want because their DP won’t move. I don’t get it. Despite what you say I think you were using it as leverage, but I can’t believe the life of your baby hangs in the balance of what your DP says about where you live: I mean if your DP was being so unreasonable surely you would leave him and prioritise you children?