To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

[Babydusst]

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already

I am currently in a one bed flat with a newborn. Planning to move in the next few years. It looks like financially this will be possible, but I did do a lot of research on making it work longer term if it wasn’t (lots of blogs etc.) Suggestions were typically giving up your bedroom to the kids (who can share for a number of years regardless of gender) and having a high quality sofa bed in living room.

This may not be preferable to moving, but you shouldn’t feel that the only other option is termination of a wanted pregnancy if you do decide not to move.

There was talk of Luton whilst we were pregnant with DD (he has a family tie there and rent is slightly cheaper, not too far from his DC) but he has completely gone off the idea and wrote it off long before we knew about this baby.

I'll suggest romfort, kent etc tomorrow and arrange a time where we can sit down together with the laptop and do some proper research

In hindsight I now think perhaps he was being unreasonable about not moving areas at all just because I was being unreasonable about Yorkshire. Hopefully now I've scrapped that idea he'll be open to working together to find a solution that he doesn't feel excluded from

I agree with most of the posters on here - moving really far away is not an option. However renting a 2 bed flat in London is. Perhaps try and calm the conversation down, explain how cramped it will be staying in a 1 bed and say you have been looking at options that cause minimal disruption, so can suit you all.

I've had a look on right move and this one looks good !

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-75022901.html

Kerfuffleshuffle

You easily get that here. We’re in a huge 3 bed plus attic conversion, two gardens & garage and huge dining room, living room & no box room at all. Pay £535. Just above Yorkshire.

Back to post. You need to look at places nearer to London.. it’s not fair on his kids I know my son would be gutted if his dad moved that far away, irreparably gutted! But in the same breath you can’t stay in that flat, it sounds like hell. I’m stubborn and if he wouldn’t compromise I’d have to start thinking about my children over him, they’re what’s important here, all 4 of them. Good luck with everything

Good luck, op. I've been following and while i think pp are right that you're having this too much, just now, i can vividly remember the early weeks of pregnancy and how fucked up i felt. You must be e,hausted.

Bloody hell. Have a break, do not have the abortion. Think on things later on. I hope you have a positive scan soon and an easy second trimester.

*having

And btw, i did not mean to imply you're acting crazy because of pregnancy hormones. I think you have understandable worries and stresses but my God,,those must be multiplied by hell if you're also exhausted and having morning sickness. God bless you xxx

I hear you OP. My DH can be infuriatingly uncommunicative when it comes to decision making.

You will have to move soonish anyway as you already have one child in a one bedroom flat.

You clearly don't want an abortion. Don't have one. Nobody can force you into making a decision you are sure to regret.

Keep calm. Tell DH you are not going to have an abortion. Let him know you agree that he has to do the best by his eldest children and that he has responsibilities for your 2 children also.

Ask him for his ideas on what you can do. If he comes up with nothing suggest you both look on line for ideas of what's in the area that you can afford. If you still get absolutely nothing from him after he's had time to take in your situation then would be the time to tell him you'd rather go it alone than be cramped in a one bedroom flat with two children. Sometimes the reality of losing a partner and children spur a stubborn, uncommunicative man into action.

My guess is that he is feeling at a loss of how to handle his situation and doesn't have the first idea where to start. You may have pressed the wrong buttons when you suggested Yorkshire. You are going to have to admit you were wrong on that score and let him know you appreciate that moving just outside London would be best for all concerned.

Keeping fingers crossed for you 🤞
Sometimes men need a little more time to get their head around things that deviate from their 'norm'

You don't NEED a 3 bedroom house for a couple and two children, whatever their genders, at least not for another 10 years or more. I second (third?) the arrangement of a sofabed in the living room for the parents, letting the children have the bedroom. Friends of mine with a lot more children have slept downstairs for years, letting the kids share the two bedrooms in whatever permutation suited at any given time.

Your DP is possibly scared witless at the financial implications of you going on maternity leave. Moving somewhere cheaper BUT not so far that it negatively impacts his older DC is the obvious solution, but you don't have to move yet, surely? You and he have hardly had time to get used to the fact that you're pregnant, pressure to move while that is still sinking in is a lot to process.

You know how much you will regret terminating the pregnancy. Your relationship may not survive either way, but you're set up to blame him if you go through with an abortion.

I'd be worried if he was eager to move to Yorkshire when his older DC are in London. There will be a middle course and I hope you can both come to agreement what that will be, even if not until this baby has arrived. Good luck OP.

So he wants you to get rid of your baby in order for him to be able to live close enough to spend time with his older kids? Sorry OP but it’s clear that you and your baby are not his priority. In your shoes I’m afraid I’d leave him and move to Yorkshire. Then he can decide which set of kids he prioritises living close to.

@BigBlueBubble the OP's OH has never said or indicated that. If you RTFT you will see that's part of the problem.

So he wants you to get rid of your baby in order for him to be able to live close enough to spend time with his older kids? Sorry OP but it’s clear that you and your baby are not his priority. In your shoes I’m afraid I’d leave him and move to Yorkshire. Then he can decide which set of kids he prioritises living close to.

How ridiculous

I can understand him prioritising his already here previous children over an unborn child, I think most parents would do the same and you have to accept that moving so far away from his children is not acceptable, would you be willing to do the same?

You need to find some compromise however, if you abort this baby against your will then your relationship will not survive, you will resent him in the long run and the cracks will form.

You need to sit down and talk (not argue) about a solution, wether that be finding a bigger home close to where you are now or going your separate ways etc.

He's phoned me and we've had a proper talk during his hour break, the first one we've managed since finding out about the baby.

I apologized about suggesting Yorkshire and told him I understand why he flatly refused and that after some serious thinking I know that if he did just up and move so far away from his other DC, I'd eventually think its a shitty thing to have done so I respect him for standing by his DCs. In hindsight I was a cunt to even consider it and can see it put him under a lot of pressure that didn't help the already complicated situation.

He admitted to being scared about baby because he feels as though he's failed us already due to the fact we already have unsuitable living arrangements with DD, he's been beating himself up about the fact he hasn't been able to provide what we need as of yet and that its not that he "doesn't want" the baby but he's understandably scared about the financial side. He doesn't want me to feel backed into an abortion and is going to be supportive even though its gonna be a struggle financially, he's on board so he says. Whether he "wants" the baby yet I'm not convinced about, but hopefully that will develop over time. He loves his children and I'm hopeful he will feel the same about the new baby when its here.

He does work hard, twelve hour nights sometimes six days a week and is doing the best he can which I can't fault him for. He provides to the best of his ability and its not his fault rent is so high here.

I mentioned the areas suggested and he said we'll have a proper look into those and others online, also that the only reason he didn't bother mentioning anywhere else was because he was convinced I had decided on Yorkshire. He now tells me he knows we need to move and we will be doing as soon as we can afford to, just not so far away. Outskirts of London and surrounding areas. Fine by me! I'm more than satisfied with that response now I have one.

Neither of us are happy with what we earn currently and I'm eager to do a degree as soon as financially viable so I can train for a profession where I'd be in a higher earning bracket. I'm going to look into whether there is any funding I'd be eligible for.

The main problem we have other than housing is communication, if he'd have felt able to open up and speak to me earlier on it would have saved a lot of added stress but I'm glad we've had a communication breakthrough and hope we'll be able to discuss it all more openly now.

I definitely won't be aborting, I just needed to know I wasn't "on my own" as its a scary time and the thought of being a single parent with two very young children AND a housing crisis scared the shit out of me.

Thank you all so much for your input and making me realise I was being unreasonable and thus see sense, had I not ironed everything out here and had the advice I've had we'd probably still be sitting in stoney silence tomorrow.

you are a wonderful nest of vipers! (I believe that was the daily mails slur?)

Definitely feeling more positive

He doesn't want me to feel backed into an abortion

Sorry, but there's no way somebody who wanted you to continue with the pregnancy and didn't want you to have an abortion would phrase it that way. That's somebody who wants you to terminate, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" for saying it.

But... Focusing on the positives, what profession is it you want to train for? You wouldn't necessarily need to do a degree - some have professional qualifications you study and train for on the job. Just mentioning as if there's a route without heaps of debt from a degree you don't need that might be more attractive, and help out your longer term picture.

Heading to bed now as I'm absolutely exhausted, I haven't had a full nights sleep since we found out about the baby. I've been frantic with wanting to have a plan in place I've gotten really stressed. Hormones might be a factor but after all of this today especially I feel absolutely spaced out and drained

In an ideal world I'd like to work in healthcare although I know nursing takes a long time to train for so perhaps not the most feasible option right now hence me settling for entry level jobs just to bring in the money

Sadly I have to agree with your comment about him not wanting to look the bad guy, I'm not convinced he wants this baby but am hoping in time he will grow to.

If not, I'll have to reevaluate our position in his life but hope it doesn't come to that

Have the baby, and see how long he feels comfortable sharing his bedroom with two children. I'm surprised you even found enough private time to conceive this one!

With two young kids though, you only need to look for a two bed. Even a boy and girl can happily share till into the primary years.

Out of curiosity before I log off, what would a health visitors opinion be on us having a baby in a one bedroom flat with DD1? Is this going to be something they think is massively unsuitable or just "not ideal but OK"?

I recall with DD1 we were asked about our plans to stay where we are longterm as DD would eventually need more space but it would be fine whilst she was very young. The health visitor was lovely but did comment on how small the place was (she only saw the living area not the bedroom)

I know myself its pretty crap but got to wondering wondering what they might say if we hadn't managed to move before the baby arrives, I think I'll be quite embarrassed if we see the same one!

If he considered Luton before because he has family there but now rules it out what about the rest of Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire or Buckinghamshire (Milton Keynes)? They're either near M1 or A1 so you could get up to your family and he can get into London on the same roads southbound or trains are approx 30-40 minutes into central London (issues aside!). The new towns like Stevenage (A1) & Milton Keynes (M1) tend to be cheaper than the market towns, it might be worth a look.

I think you both ended up in a Mexican stand-off..(and I'll paraphrase badly but what you each heard was) you "Yorkshire or we are done because I don't want an abortion; him "we stay here or split because I don't know how I can make this work" Underneath it all you were much more in tune than initial - raw?- outbursts..

Am glad however that you both managed to back down from the stand -off and hopefully you'll find the right place that works for you all.

But (and apologies for sounding SUPER patronising) you come across as very reflective, insightful - am sure you will find a career path in healthcare that works brilliantly for you - and I hope you and DP can ensure a future working/childcare pattern that ensures you flourish.

If you're not in highly skilled jobs there is no need to be in London: move.

What part of London are you living in that costs £1250pcm? Surely you can move to Croydon way and get a house for that?!

YABU suggesting a move to Yorkshire.

Your DD is 2yo. Even if the baby is a boy they will have no issue sharing a bedroom for a number of years. So a 2 bedroom flat will probably do you for the next 10 years.

Realistically you can’t really move more than 30 mins away from his current kids as it’s not fair on them wasting their time in a car being carted around for longer for drop off/pick up’s.

So look for a 2 bed flat 30 mins out from where you currently are. Really not worth making wild threats over. If you can stick that out for 10 years then you can probably look at moving further away to a house with 3 beds as I am guessing by then his other kids would be independent?

I think everyone is missing the point . Op said her spouse said he would move pre first pregnancy then changed the goal posts and refused.
I get being close to the children but this living situation is insane and there are options. Up.north for a Londoner could be anywhere outside of commuter belt. If you moved halfway up.the country he could still see his children Evey weekend but get overnights
I was in same.boat with my partner and extremely pissed off when he changed his mind post pregnancy about the move, I've had to change jobs to stay near his other children when heavily pregnant.i get staying close i.do. It moving the goalposts isn't fair after a.diacussion was had pre a life changing event like making a baby.
I hope you sort it op

Maybe you're instinct is right that he doesn't want the baby and I think you might just need to accept that you both don't view the situation in the same way. People react to contraceptive failures differently and whilst you are entitled to want to keep the baby and continue the pregnancy, he too is entitled to want something different. As long as he's not pressurising you to terminate or being manipulative then I honestly think there is nothing wrong with him having a preference for termination as this is a perfectly legitimate response that many people have to situations such as this. I also can tell that you absolutely don't want an abortion and therefore shouldn't have one, however I think acknowledging that your DP would probably make a different decision could open the channels of more honest communication.

He may feel disenfranchised and powerless as you have complete control over whether you have this baby and he might feel that he can't even voice his opinion for fear of being accused of trying to persuade you to have a termination. So he could have all these pent up emotions and thoughts about the baby AND you then start banging on about moving hundreds of miles away from his DC so you can be with your family. I can imagine that this could well have just been too much for him to handle hence him closing down communication and refusing to engage. It's an awful lot for somebody to process over a short amount of time, especially when they have limited influence over major life events so I do think you should maybe cut him some slack and give him some time to work through this. You won't need to move immediately so allow the dust to settle, have an honest chat about how you both really feel without mentioning moving or logistics so at the very least you can understand where the other person is coming from.