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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about this gift situation

178 replies

Backstronger · 31/08/2018 20:54

It was my son's birthday recently and top of his list was a Nintendo switch. I told him from the start I wouldn't get it as he has another older console that was given to him by a relative after he bought a new one which I felt was sufficient.

Anyway he asked his GM who said she would buy him the switch. I warned her at the time it was really expensive but she said no it's for my first grandson etc. I didn't give it much thought and didn't encourage ds telling him she might or might not get it dont get too excited.

My ds started boasting to his cousin who is also games console mad that he was getting a switch which I heard and kept reminding him not to get his hopes up. My nephew has loads of techy things e.g. ipad, games consoles etc but kept going on to his mum to get him a switch and after a few weeks of this she did. Now her son began boasting to my ds that he got a switch before him. Angry

My son then really became fixated on getting his switch and couldnt be distracted. It also didnt help that he had played on his cousins and his cousin had at times made him feel bad because he hasn't got one. To console him at those times I stupidly said oh remember grandma said she would get it but in my defence she had to both me and him.

So come the day of his birthday he of course was eagerly waiting for grandmas present only to find that she had got him a toy instead because the nintendo switch was too advanced for his age (he is under 10 think key stage 1). You can imagine how disappointed he was.

Now I am put in the position of having to get him a switch partly because gm let him down and partly to keep up with the bloody Joneses cause my sister just couldn't handle her ds going on about it so bought it to get him quiet.

AIBU to be annoyed at both dsis and ds's gm?

OP posts:
AnEPleaseBob · 03/09/2018 10:32

tbh both children here sound like spoiled, entitled little brats who are swimming in fancy gadgets they aren't even old enough for.

It's your fault for indulging this nonsense in the first place. I would have just said absolutely no in the first place, told Granny that we would never dream of accepting such an expensive present, and tell the kid he can forget about it.
If you go out and buy it now because he's disappointed, you're a mug.

Bluelady · 03/09/2018 10:57

Some of us do buy our kids presents at other times than their birthdays and Christmas. My mum was a Jehovah's Witness; I'd never have been given anything if presents had been limited to those two days

Havaina · 03/09/2018 10:59

Who is 'us', Bluelady?

Why are you promoting an 'us' and 'them' paradigm? Why not just say 'I'?

PolarBearkshire · 03/09/2018 11:20

I would definitely NOT buy that game console.
What will YOU teach your child by doing that?
That it is ok to imagine, beg grandparents or parents, push, boast to peers about things he only thinks(!) will get??? No just no.
He is your child so yes i get it you would love to just give him anything so he is not upset.
Well dont.
Very valuable lesson for him- do not beg and do not boast. Or the crash is very bitter.
You can talk to his grandma and investigate how real were her promises for so incredibly expensive gift for so young child? If she did promise but then realised its too expensive - a long warm proper talk has to be had with your son - his grandma can explain him how hard is to earn that cash, how sorry she is that didnt realise the price and how much she (and you) loves him.
That it will need time to save up for that game console - and you can start teaching him financial skills- make a plan/budget/small extra tasks son can do and all together you will gather enough money for that gift for Christmas (if he still wants it by then). It will teach him a lot.
Parents dont give children the recognition of their intelligence these days- only encouraging sulking and demanding.
And whatever your sister or anybody buys for her children should really not bother you - its a very good school for children to see that there will be always somebody with MUCH MORE than they ever be able to earn. Going into credit and overspending at so young age for something that will not make him advance in life... what will he want when he is 15? Rolex watch? Ferrari? Drugs?

Adults are supposed to be adults. Teach a child that its ok to mess up , to make mistake assuming too much - but its very advicable to show people are sorry and will have a plan how to rectify it in a realistic manner.

AnEPleaseBob · 03/09/2018 11:29

Why are you promoting an 'us' and 'them' paradigm? Why not just say 'I'?

She's not promoting a paradigm (seriously? Like actually you're serious with that?) she's complete correct in that she is not the only one to do that, so her wording was absolutely fine and accurate.

PawneeParksDept · 03/09/2018 11:30

I can't believe how harsh some of these replies are, it's almost as if some of them have never met children and if they have, have never bought their child anything more substantial than an empty cardboard box or lump of coal which their DC obviously prostrated themselves with gratitude for and if they hadn't it would've been taken back.

I also think some of these posts are defensive because :

A) they've promised a child something and didn't keep the promise

B) they've engaged in the same kind of one upmanship with their DC as the OPs sister with either a friend of the DC or a relatives child and don't want to admit that

AnEPleaseBob · 03/09/2018 11:34

Wrong.

gamerchick · 03/09/2018 11:35

A) they've promised a child something and didn't keep the promise

B) they've engaged in the same kind of one upmanship with their DC as the OPs sister with either a friend of the DC or a relatives child and don't want to admit that

Or games consoles are the work of the devil, are pure ignorant about them and pat themselves on the back their kids will know about them over their dead bodies Grin it doesn't matter how the kid feels in those cases because they should be outside doing wholesome things anyway.

SerenDippitty · 03/09/2018 11:38

Some of us do buy our kids presents at other times than their birthdays and Christmas. My mum was a Jehovah's Witness; I'd never have been given anything if presents had been limited to those two days.

I didn’t get given luxury gifts except at Christmas or my birthday. Small ones yes.

rainingcatsanddog · 03/09/2018 12:03

Your sister hasn't done anything wrong.

The gm is awful for promising a gift then buying another despite you warning her that it's super pricey. She should have at least spoken to your son before his birthday and told him that she wasn't buying a Switch to not spoil the day.

Don't buy the Switch if you can't afford it. You are teaching him that he can have what he wants which is what you criticize your sister for. I'm not saying that he is unreasonable to want a Switch but not at the expense of your household budget

CantGetDecentNickname · 03/09/2018 12:09

Also he made a comment to me that dnephew gets whatever he wants because his dad lives with him. I don't want him to feel like he is at a disadvantage because he is from a single parent home.

Think he is going to guilt trip you with this for many years to come. Please try not to let it as this is not something you can change. Is there any way his Dad could provide one at Christmas? Another thing you can do which may be a little late here, but for next time around is to hold a party for his friends and put on the invite that you do not wish for him to have individual presents but if people do wish to give, a contribution towards a Switch would be appreciated but not more than £5 (or whatever is the going rate for party presents). It would mean more to him if he appreciates how expensive these items are. As DNephew simply gets what he asks for, your DS probably has no idea the cost difference between one toy and another. I would also try to limit the time spent with DNephew as he is not a good influence here - getting what he wants with pester power!

rainingcatsanddog · 03/09/2018 12:09

Sorry to break this to you but the begging for a £300 Switch now will end up as begging for a PS or Xbox in a couple of years when he peers move to those consoles and your son wants to play against them online. No t being able to afford a Switch is a perfectly reasonable reason why he can't have one.

rainingcatsanddog · 03/09/2018 12:10

Also he made a comment to me that dnephew gets whatever he wants because his dad lives with him. I don't want him to feel like he is at a disadvantage because he is from a single parent home.

That's a cheap shot from your son. Tell him that he gets whatever he wants because his parents earn more.

Is his Dad's console a Switch?

Original poster
Backstronger · 05/09/2018 13:52

Hello

Didn't see all these replies since my last post until now.

Just to update. Ds was absolutely fine when I picked me up. He did ask me if his Nintendo switch was waiting for him at our house Grin I just reiterated what I had told him before that if gm didn't get it I would try to get it but he would have to wait as I couldn't get it straight away. We had some interesting discussions around it about why gm didn't think it was appropriate. That other children were in a similar situation to him not having a switch and he already has 2 consoles so should be grateful for that. Also about how we would need to save up and that getting the switch would takeaway from our budget to do other things I.e. holidays, participating in certain clubs etc. He was pretty consistent though that he would rather get the switch then do those other things. Confused

His dad did not get it for him. I asked him whether he asked him but he said only mums and gms buy gifts like thatHmm also asked me if my dm would get it for him.

So basically we are in the position I was in before which is that he really wants it. But he either needs to wait for someone to take pity on him and buy it for him or if mummy gets it we will have to make sacrifices together to get it. Dont know if I handled it the best way but at least for now there is immediate need to get it and the crisis has been diverted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Backstronger · 05/09/2018 13:56

We also got in to a discussion about how some people substitute time and attention for material things and which would he rather have mummys time or a switch?

OP posts:
TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 05/09/2018 14:36

I can see where he learned his manipulative and grabbing ways from.

Taylor22 · 05/09/2018 14:39

Don't try and pin this on your sister. She's done nothing wrong.

You made promises you couldn't keep. You aren't teaching your son how to handle disappointment.

You can absolutely go off on your MIL because of the shit show she created.

Your son is playing you with the Dad comment.

Taylor22 · 05/09/2018 14:47

Sorry, replies weren't uploading when I replied. I was many pages behind.

That's a shitty thing to tell him OP.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/09/2018 15:03

I would definitely have words with gm about not making promises unless she can deliver. Doesn't matter that she is not your dm - she has behaved in a way that impacts on your child and you.

Personally I would buy him what he really wanted, since he was promised it, but I'd be letting gm know that I consider it to be her fault I was now in this situation.

I think some people are so het up about teaching children lessons and not spoiling, that they suck all the joy out of life. If you are not spending your rent or food money, then just get him the thing he really wants.

Havaina · 05/09/2018 15:27

Taylor22

Don't try and pin this on your sister. She's done nothing wrong.

Whilst the sis hasn't technically done anything wrong, it was a bit insensitive to her the son the console a few days before OP's DS's birthday. She should have waited until after DS's birthday. She sounds like doormat parent but that's another issue.

You made promises you couldn't keep. You aren't teaching your son how to handle disappointment.

No, OP's ex-MIL made the promise. OP tried to manage her son's expectation but what was she supposed to do if MIL said repeatedly she was getting the switch?

In future she will know to tell MIL not to make promises she won't keep and also not to promise things without checking with OP first.

OP where is your son getting this view that mum and DGM provide, not dad? Is it just based on his experiences or is someone filling his head?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/09/2018 15:27

Do you have places that you can trade in old/second hand consoles and games? I'd ask him which of his existing two consoles he no longer wants and the games that go with that. Approach the shop and ask for a trade in quote for these against a Nintendo Switch. If it's only a small amount against the cost of the Switch, then maybe price up the other console as well and the games to go with that so he only has one games console in the end - the Switch. As your son would he be happy with that?

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 05/09/2018 15:31

I read your post and all I thought was 'obsessed with stuff'. Is that fair?

You don't have to buy anything to compensate. Children shouldn't be pestering for pricey items. Adults should not make promises they don't keep. We also don't discuss what we buy with friends and family. It's private. Disappointment is inevitable otherwise.

Sorry if that's a bit righteous. My kids pester but it's always met with a flat no or they are given the option to earn that present and save. Occasionally they are surprised by things and they are delighted - I guess that's what gratitude is. The same rules apply across the board between me and DH. Life is easier.

Original poster
Backstronger · 05/09/2018 17:51

Hmm I don't know what it was that I said which was so awful? Hmm

I think he gets the impression that mum's and gms provide because he is indulged by both grandmothers and me. His d can be a bit of a Disney dad but it's more like on his terms. He wouldn't get ds what he wants or take him where he wants to go but will do extravagant days out or buy expensive toys at the spur of the moment when he wants without getting ds input.

I think some people are getting confused as well that it is me who caved in to pestering. I contemplated getting it because his gm promised him she would, got his hopes up but then disappointed him. I have told him I will get it but not right away so he has to wait a bit longer which he seems to have accepted without that much drama. So don't understand some people's reactions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Backstronger · 05/09/2018 17:58

By the way ibhavs personally never bought him consoles. All the ones he has ever had have either been bought by his d or given as a gift from a relative who no longer used it. So I'm not being manipulative to tell him to ask his d because he buys him that sort of thing.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 05/09/2018 18:56

I think both you and your son have been given a hard time here, OP. There seems to be an opinion that giving a child what they want is inherently bad for them, which seems very odd to me. I don't think anyone's been manipulative here, it's been a very unfortunate sequence of events. Neither your MiL or SiL come out of it well and you've been left carrying the can.