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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about this gift situation

178 replies

Backstronger · 31/08/2018 20:54

It was my son's birthday recently and top of his list was a Nintendo switch. I told him from the start I wouldn't get it as he has another older console that was given to him by a relative after he bought a new one which I felt was sufficient.

Anyway he asked his GM who said she would buy him the switch. I warned her at the time it was really expensive but she said no it's for my first grandson etc. I didn't give it much thought and didn't encourage ds telling him she might or might not get it dont get too excited.

My ds started boasting to his cousin who is also games console mad that he was getting a switch which I heard and kept reminding him not to get his hopes up. My nephew has loads of techy things e.g. ipad, games consoles etc but kept going on to his mum to get him a switch and after a few weeks of this she did. Now her son began boasting to my ds that he got a switch before him. Angry

My son then really became fixated on getting his switch and couldnt be distracted. It also didnt help that he had played on his cousins and his cousin had at times made him feel bad because he hasn't got one. To console him at those times I stupidly said oh remember grandma said she would get it but in my defence she had to both me and him.

So come the day of his birthday he of course was eagerly waiting for grandmas present only to find that she had got him a toy instead because the nintendo switch was too advanced for his age (he is under 10 think key stage 1). You can imagine how disappointed he was.

Now I am put in the position of having to get him a switch partly because gm let him down and partly to keep up with the bloody Joneses cause my sister just couldn't handle her ds going on about it so bought it to get him quiet.

AIBU to be annoyed at both dsis and ds's gm?

OP posts:
Original poster
Backstronger · 31/08/2018 22:19

GM is not dnephew gm. She is his dad's mum. The week before his birthday she had reiterated again that she would get it for him when she asked what to get him and he answered for us both the nintendo switch. I do agree that I set myself up in this position. But it was because his hopes were so high and I anticipated she might not get it for him so said even if she doesn't get it I would get it but not straightaway. So he knows he has to wait a while to get it from me but I didn't want to get it in the first place.

OP posts:
Whatsthisbear · 31/08/2018 22:19

My DN & DN have lots of stuff my DC doesn’t have- they have more money, different ideas, have been brought up well so wouldn’t have even said “I’ve got this....” but that is a whole other issue!

You can’t be annoyed at your DSis for buying it for her kid- she can buy them what she wants. They shouldn’t be lording it over yours saying they got it first but that is a whole other issue.

His DGM said she would buy it when- from your OP you had said he wasn’t going to get it because he already had consoles. SHE disappointed him. Not you, not anyone else.

The disappointment he feels should be that he hasn’t got something someone promised- that’s life. Harsh I know.But by saying you will now get it you have managed/delayed/assuaged his disappointment. Are you going to do that for every disappointment he feels in his life? For EVER? Don’t buy it because you feel bad he is disappointed and because he has had a tough year with a lot of changes. You already told him in the beginning you wouldn’t be getting him one. His GM is the bad person here for promising it

Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/08/2018 22:21

Don’t buy it. Be honest. It’s not age appropriate. Tell him you’ll get it when he’s the appropriate age

DialsMavis · 31/08/2018 22:24

When my DC ask for expensive gifts they come from the whole family, us and both sets of grandparents. Is this a possibility for Christmas?

AJPTaylor · 31/08/2018 22:25

Please dont get it for him or feel pressured to buy something you cant afford. He was disappointed. He had already experienced that. Play it down
You cant afford it and dont want him to have it. Thats enough.

CherryCherryCherry · 31/08/2018 22:29

Like most children when they're bright enough he's manipulating the situation. Give in now and you're a pushover in his eyes. Yes of course he's disappointed but he will survive plus learn a good life lesson and you will have some respect from him. I wouldn't buy it. He will appreciate it more when he gets it. I always say 'there is always someone better off than you but always someone worse off than you' You could suggest it for Xmas but prob by then he will want something else! Don't let any little sorry bottom lip quivering get you either! Smile

Whatsthisbear · 31/08/2018 22:29

She’s told him she’s buying it already.
Why come on MN then?

OP:I’m annoyed
Everyone: fair enough
Op:I’m going to buy it for DC
Everyone: don’t, dc will only end up entitled and spoilt
Op:I’ve said to DC I’m buying it for them because someone said they would and didn’t and someone else has it before them

Hmm
PawneeParksDept · 31/08/2018 22:30

I'd be massively annoyed with both of them

DGM for inflating his hopes by promising him and then crushing him

Your sister for playing one upmanship by ensuring that her clearly spoiled DS could Lord it over yours with a much wanted toy whilst he had to wait for his birthday only to not get it.

Return the toy and put the value towards a Switch.

I feel very sorry for your DS, your nephew WILL rub this disappointment in his face.

I would have a serious word with your DM I suppose you can't comment to your sister about what she buys her son but I would maybe spend less time the cousins together, if this isn't already a set pattern of your son wanting something and your nephew besting him, it'll probably become one.

Original poster
Backstronger · 31/08/2018 22:31

I did try to stop him bragging. Everytime he did I reminded him he doesn't have it yet and gm might not get it. We even talked about what we would do if she didn't get it. But I think in his mind he was certain it would happen. He hasn't really had to deal with this level of disappointment before because i do try to avoid him having high expectations of others. But I started to worry as soon as dsis got dnephew the switch that this would end badly if his gm didn't get it for him.

OP posts:
PawneeParksDept · 31/08/2018 22:32

Sorry I see it's the paternal GM, not your DM can your sons Dad have a word?

BackforGood · 31/08/2018 22:35

YANBU to be a bit annoyed, but, as the parent, it was your responsibility to say to GM, at the time he asked "It isn't age appropriate, it costs £X and I don't really want him to have another games console as he has already got two, and he is only 5 (or 6 or 7). Could you get him this instead please ?"
You didn't.
He then boasted to his cousin and seemingly wasn't stopped, and, at this stage, his expectations weren't managed.

you really don't need to buy this - you need to help your son manage expectations

This ^

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 31/08/2018 22:39

Was the GM there to see how disappointed he was? He needs to learn he can’t have everything he wants just for the asking, but really she also needs to learn that you can’t make promises like that to a child and then change your mind last minute - at 6 or so he won’t have the emotional maturity to follow her thought process. She could at least have warned you!

gamerchick · 31/08/2018 22:40

A Wii can't even be compared to a switch really. The wiis will be mega old hat soon.

Tbh with you I would be earning the mammy points for Christmas and to show the GM that you don't promise something you don't understand and go back on it. Bairns don't forget a promise that's been broken no matter how old they are.

Next time she promises something she needs to be told how disappointed he was, that his feelings matter and not to promise something if she's not going to stick to it.

kitkatsky · 31/08/2018 22:44

DDs cousins get loadsa stuff she dsnt. It's a fine line between me being a lone parent but bro having 3 kids etc but yeah, I just tell her all houses have diff rules

Jasperoonicle · 31/08/2018 22:45

Ah look just phase the conversation out. Your child is back in school either already or shortly and will have other things on his mind for now. Just detract from the conversation every time he talks about it and then get it for christmas for him. Its now just september - you would be crazily giving in to this if you got it now instead of for a big day like christmas. Do not allow him to pressure you or guilt trip you into this now or you will never be able to break the cycle. For what its worth, you will love the switch when it does come into the house, it is a very good purchase.

Original poster
Backstronger · 31/08/2018 22:46

Yes I acknowledge I should have taken better control of the situation especially with gm and him getting his hopes up. GM can be very indulgent with him so it is not out of the realms of possibility that she would get it so I didn't nip it in the bud as quickly as I should have. Ds actually only got a console after dnephew got the switch. Because I realised he would get very disappointed if he didn't get it I asked a relative to gift my ds his old wii as he no longer used it. That way I hoped he would get distracted and I could say to him well you have console already. I haven't decided 100% to get him the switch. I can see there is a valuable life lesson for him to learn from this but I'm just sad that he was so upset and it could have been avoided.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 31/08/2018 22:52

I dont understand the attitudes of some people on here. This is an infant child who was told by someone he trusts that something he desparetly wanted was going to happen for weeks. Of course he is disappointed. Just because he is a child he has to
Manage disappointment
Like a mature adult, more mature and adult like than most adults posting on aibu!!!

Id also get the switch.

Id also point out to gm how diaappointed he was she didnt follow through with her promise.

Can you apeak to his father?

MadeForThis · 31/08/2018 22:55

I wouldn't get him the switch. There will always be something expensive he wants and at 6 he needs to accept he can't always have what he wants. It's an important lesson.

However I would speak to GM and explain that you fully understand why she didn't buy the console but in future please don't tell him that she will buy him something and then not do it.

It's confusing and extremely unfair. He must feel like he is being punished.

BlankTimes · 31/08/2018 22:58

He hasn't really had to deal with this level of disappointment before because i do try to avoid him having high expectations of others. But I started to worry as soon as dsis got dnephew the switch that this would end badly if his gm didn't get it for him

It is a shame, but these things happen. Help him to deal with it. Help him to understand people agree to things and then change their minds. Help him to see some people have stuff, some people don't.

We even talked about what we would do if she didn't get it
Work with him, get him to understand you can't always get what you want. How many of his peers really don't have one.

By Christmas, there may be some other fad he's more interested in, so go for that instead.

BlueberryPud · 31/08/2018 23:04

Because he had got his hopes up over weeks it was very crushing for him

Disappointing, maybe. Crushing is a bit extreme.

MortyVicar · 31/08/2018 23:07

I think some PPs are asking an awful lot of emotional maturity from a child who's not yet 10. When we have threads about teenagers being difficult posters rush in with 'well, their brains are still forming, they can't be expected to be mature'.

GM said - in front of him - that she would buy him the switch. Not that she might, or 'maybe'. She would buy it for him. She probably hadn't a clue what she was agreeing to, but that's not the point. OP I think you're right to be cross, and I understand your son's disappointment. If you're not against him having one, I think I'd go with saying that you can't afford it now but you'll get him one for Christmas. If you're lucky there'll be a new version out by then and he can have one that's better than his cousin!!

PurpleTigerLove · 31/08/2018 23:14

Don’t buy him the switch , if you cave this time he will know how to manipulate you in future . If cousin is being unkind can you avoid him for a while ? Disappointment is Justine of those things . Not nice but not the end of the world . Can he save up birthday and xmas money to put towards it .

PurpleTigerLove · 31/08/2018 23:15

just

SD1978 · 31/08/2018 23:16

I'm confused/ you said your son got the Wii from a relative, which is why you told him he couldn't have a switch, then GM said he could, so he told DN- who then went and got a switch, but then you said he got the wi because DN got a switch? If you think he has to have the switch- can it be a Christmas present? And something to work towards? It's a bit manipulative (even if accidental) to try and make you feel shit for not having his father in the home.

Hammondisback · 31/08/2018 23:17

GM was thoughtless. If you think it’s appropriate for him, tell him to put it on his Christmas list. If you don’t, tell him he must wait until he’s older or until he’s saved up for one himself. It’s your call, just try to do what you feel is right. I know it’s hard, but sometimes disappointment can be good for children, it stops them being spoilt and feeling entitled.