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AIBU?

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Original poster

TO EXPECT SOMEONE TO GET THE MESSAGE?!?!?

135 replies

crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:32

Ok, I officially have the rage now. I’ve posted twice about this. Summary is as follows:

Ex-stepfather who my mother and husband both dislike, was putting intense pressure on me to visit my newborn at inconvenient times (eg when midwife was due or my mother was staying and helping and didn’t want to see him). When I said no he emotionally blackmailed me about it by saying he would leave me alone forever. I didn’t respond and he then followed up saying more emotional blackmail not being needed anymore etc etc. MN gave me some excellent advice and I sent him a firm email explaining I felt he was being very selfish and not acting in my interests and that I wanted some space and I would be in touch when ready. He accepted this (or appeared to).

Three fucking weeks later and I have just received a message saying “seen the photos you've posted online. are you really not going to let me see DS?!”

I am so irritated at this after I requested space. WTF do I say now?!? How many times must I tell someone?! I really hate having to be unpleasant but I cannot stand being pressurised like this.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/08/2018 17:34

3 weeks? How much longer are you going to make him wait and why exactly?

If you don't want him to see the baby at all, why not just say so?

AnExcellentUsername · 31/08/2018 17:36

If he is your ex stepfather then why do you even need to have anything to do with him?

kaytee87 · 31/08/2018 17:36

3 weeks is quite a while for a grandfather to wait or do you not have a relationship with him and therefore don't consider him the grandfather?
It's not clear how your relationship is with him.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:40

We got on well whilst he was dating my mother but they were together when I was around 18 and not for that long. She said she didn’t mind if I still saw him but obviously she doesn’t want to have to see him herself. It’s not about him seeing the baby anymore - I would have been happy for him to see the baby but he was really badgering my and harassing me about it to the point where I was very uncomfortable and really wanted some space, exacerbated by his emotional blackmail and dramatic statements like “I will never contact you again” (before contacting me 2 days later). And now I am very irritated he is not respecting that space.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 31/08/2018 17:41

Obviously not sure what the step father relationship is - ex or not.
This could be someone your Mum married when you were 27 and long left home, or it could be the man that was there from when you were a baby until you left home - so that makes quite a difference).
But, if he is a father figure to you, and you do want him to be involved in your life going forward, then I agree with others, that why wouldn't you let your little one's grandfather meet them ?

BackforGood · 31/08/2018 17:42

ok. Total x post!

WorraLiberty · 31/08/2018 17:43

So he's your Mum's ex boyfriend?

I'm still a bit confused. If for whatever reason you're happy for him to visit the baby, then why not just let him do it?

After 3 weeks I'm surprised he hasn't lost interest, but since he hasn't, why not just set a date/time?

BackforGood · 31/08/2018 17:43

However, statements like 'badgering' and 'harassing' and emotional blackmail seem like the 'dramatic' ones, not him asking if he is going to be allowed to see your baby.

hammeringinmyhead · 31/08/2018 17:44

If you were already 18 and they only "dated" for a short period then I'd just let him carry out his threat of having nothing to do with me! He's not got any more right to see the baby than an ex-friend of your mum would have in my opinion.

SmartyPants0 · 31/08/2018 17:44

What time frame did you have in mind? Perhaps you need to be more specific with a time frame.

3girlmama · 31/08/2018 17:44

3 weeks is a long time!

ShrodingersSturdyPyjamas · 31/08/2018 17:45

Do you actually want him in your life at all?

Crunchymum · 31/08/2018 17:45

So he is basically just a random???

He was never married to your mum? He was around when you were much younger but not for long?

Why are you even still in contact?

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:46

He wasn’t asking to see the baby. He was sending me 10-20 messages a day like CAN I COME ROUND NOW?! When I was a few days postpartum and explained I was in waiting for the midwife. And saying he just wanted to drop off a gift when obviously I wasn’t going to let him just drop a gift without inviting him in (he knew this).

The main thing was my mother was staying with me and he knew that and he knew she didn’t want to see him but was seriously badgering me. I’m not being dramatic and I wish I could find my old post about it as it explains much better than I’m doing now.

OP posts:
ahnow · 31/08/2018 17:46

I think I remember your last thread- hadn't he tried to hit on you and made creepy suggestions that you guys would make a better couple than him and your mum? If that is you, then I think you're totally right to stay away. I'd message him saying 'the more you try to manipulate me the less I want you in my life' and leave it at that.

LemonSqueezy0 · 31/08/2018 17:46

It's all well and good expecting someone to get a message, but only as long as you've been clear in the message about timelines etc. You saying you'll be in touch sounds like days at most to him, when you mean in the coming weeks and months.. It's the not knowing that is driving him up the wall, perhaps?

If it's been 3 weeks plus the time while the messages are going back and forth, anyone would say, in fairness, he has waited a long time to see his grandchild. So unless there's a drip feed of info, do you need to bite the bullet and admit you no longer want him in your life, or be fair and find a 'convenient' time for him to see him..

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:48

Tbh I am not very interested in continuing seeing him but he cares about me and is an old man and I feel very unkind if I just cut him out.

On the other hand he has been sending all this emotional blackmail and the consensus on the old thread seemed to be he doesn’t care about me and is just very selfish.

I was honestly wanting some serious space. Eg months. This is nothing to do with the baby and everything to do with him throwing all of his toys out of the pram and me seeing him in a different light and now being very annoyed that he made idle threats about leaving my life that were only designed to guilt me.

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:49

ahnow

Yes!!!! That’s my old thread!!!

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 31/08/2018 17:49

It's not clear, if it wasn't convenient for him to see the baby and then it got weird then why did you say you'll be in touch.
He's not wrong 3 weeks is a reasonable time to wait.
If you don't want h8m to see the baby then tell him that.
Seems a bit mixed.

RedSaidBread · 31/08/2018 17:49

So this is a man who briefly dated your mother a few years ago and now is refusing to respect your wishes about seeing your newborn. Who he is not a grandfather to because he is not part of your family?

At this stage I'd block him.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/08/2018 17:50

If you don't want to see him at all just tell him that then block him on your phone/SM. Job done.

kaytee87 · 31/08/2018 17:50

So he dated your mum for a short time once you were an adult. I wouldn't have used the term step father or ex step father in the title. Gives completely the wrong impression.

I'd just meet him somewhere out the house get it over and done with then you can leave when you want.

RavenLG · 31/08/2018 17:52

Do you want to continue a relationship with this man?

From an outside perspective it seems he was never your ex-stepfather, he was your mothers partner. He came into your life as an adult and left after 'not that long'.

How old are you now and have you maintained contact since?

Honestly, if you don't have a relationship with him I would tell him something along the lines of that you wish him well but he is no longer a part of your family and will not have any part of your or your DCs lives and to leave you alone.

keepingbees · 31/08/2018 17:52

Without knowing your full history, it seems he wants to see the baby and drop a gift round. Fair enough to say no in the first few days, but why not just arrange a convenient time for him to pop round? If you don't want him to then you need to say. I don't think you're giving him a clear message either way.

PanamaPattie · 31/08/2018 17:54

Your baby has nothing to do with him. There is no relationship. What is the point of seeing him? If you want your Mother's ex-boyfriend in your life - then let him visit. If not, just ignore him.