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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TO EXPECT SOMEONE TO GET THE MESSAGE?!?!?

135 replies

crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:32

Ok, I officially have the rage now. I’ve posted twice about this. Summary is as follows:

Ex-stepfather who my mother and husband both dislike, was putting intense pressure on me to visit my newborn at inconvenient times (eg when midwife was due or my mother was staying and helping and didn’t want to see him). When I said no he emotionally blackmailed me about it by saying he would leave me alone forever. I didn’t respond and he then followed up saying more emotional blackmail not being needed anymore etc etc. MN gave me some excellent advice and I sent him a firm email explaining I felt he was being very selfish and not acting in my interests and that I wanted some space and I would be in touch when ready. He accepted this (or appeared to).

Three fucking weeks later and I have just received a message saying “seen the photos you've posted online. are you really not going to let me see DS?!”

I am so irritated at this after I requested space. WTF do I say now?!? How many times must I tell someone?! I really hate having to be unpleasant but I cannot stand being pressurised like this.

OP posts:
Atalune · 31/08/2018 18:27

As unpleasant as it is, you may need to have a firm “fuck off” convo with him.

He doesn’t sound very nice, but you need to give him a stronger NO.

Gazelda · 31/08/2018 18:27

I bet he thinks you and he are friends. And that he is confused at your mixed messages.

However, I also agree with other posters who say he seems like trouble. You don't particularly want him in your life. It makes things awkward with your DM.

So stop being nice to him.

Tell him that you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. You are concentrating on baby and building your family unit which includes your Mum. You'd appreciate him taking a back seat from now on as your lives have moved forward in different directions.

Then block.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:28

I’ve never really sat down and thought that much about boundaries and the things he has said etc but I am really starting to think that I should have stopped contact with him years ago based on stuff he has repeatedly said and I felt to awkward to at the time but now I am older and need to really stop this shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:30

I really appreciate all the input - it’s amazing how helpful it is to get a variety of opinions from objective people

OP posts:
MortyVicar · 31/08/2018 18:30

I suppose I am torn between just seeing him to be polite and kind and shutting it down. The issue with the first thing is now he lives round the corner he will be asking to meet several times a week and being very insistent about it. The issue with the latter is I would feel unkind but also he lives so close that the chances of bumping into him often are high.

My bolds. Sorry to be blunt OP (and I remember your previous threads) but what you've just written I think perfectly sums up why he isn't getting the message. Because you don't know what message you want to send. You need to decide which way you're going to go, and then communicate that clearly.

Lunde · 31/08/2018 18:31

Perhaps you should think about why he is pushing you so hard over this?

  • does he just see you as a lot closer than you really are?
  • is he trying to force himself into your family?
  • is it some sort of powerplay against you or your mum?
Missingstreetlife · 31/08/2018 18:31

Sorry you haven't got a dad, but he isn't it. Hope your fil will be nice gf or there's a nice uncle. If not baby has you and dh and your mum to love.
Don't give mixed messages, or give in to bullies, it only encourages them. Be clear and stick to it. Best of luck

HairyHiker · 31/08/2018 18:31

he will be asking to meet several times a week and being very insistent about it

This is harassment. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but he sounds truly awful. I wouldn't have him anywhere near me or my child.
Don't feel sorry for him because he's an old man. He's an old man who clearly thinks nothing of upsetting you.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 31/08/2018 18:32

You have a baby of your own to consider now, op. You really need to "stop this shit". But also have a think about why you did it in the first place. It might be quite informative.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:36

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar

I don’t know why you feel the need to attack me! I know why I did it - I felt extremely awkward and embarrassed but also a sense of obligation and a desire to have some sort of father figure in my life. All pretty obvious.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 31/08/2018 18:37

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound strident.

Postino · 31/08/2018 18:37

My dm was so trained to be nice to men and give them what they want that she did nothing when a creepy old family friend stalked my dsis for 10 YEARS

To some extent, most women have been trained to prioritise men's feelings at our own expense. It's not your fault OP. Prioritise yourself

BlancheM · 31/08/2018 18:39

This is a really odd relationship OP you need to cut him out.

Atalune · 31/08/2018 18:40

Text him-

The baby is keeping me really busy and to be honest and making a plan and sticking to it is tricky. All the best,

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:41

Do people think it would be possible to just ignore him rather than having an uncomfortable conversation like a coward? I am a little worried that if I say something and block him he will just show up at my place (although there is a risk of that anyway)

OP posts:
Atalune · 31/08/2018 18:41

Then block

If he pushes you-

I’m really focused on my new little family and my mum is here a lot. Things change, people change.

Then block.

krustykittens · 31/08/2018 18:47

Do people think it would be possible to just ignore him rather than having an uncomfortable conversation like a coward?

No, there really isn't. Surely that is the whole point of your OP? You have no boundaries, OP, you have continued a relationship with this man no matter how abusive he showed himself to be, you clearly do not want him to see your child and yet you still don't say NO. I am sorry to be so blunt, but you keep making excuses on this thread as to why you can't just cut him off. If you really wanted him in your life he would have been one of the first people to see your child. The fact that you want to put him off indefinitely should tell you something, no? And I agree with a PP, given this man's past behaviour, I would be very wary of him.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:49

krustykittens

You are right. I need to bite the bullet and explain the situation. Not sure how to word it but I agree that I don’t have boundaries with him and that’s caused no end of grief for me. Need to change th situation.

OP posts:
Postino · 31/08/2018 18:51
Flowers
Missingstreetlife · 31/08/2018 18:53

His behaviour is outrageous. Just say so and block. Never contact or respond again. If he continues get dh to deal with him or police. Sorted

krustykittens · 31/08/2018 18:53

Does your DH know how you feel? Your Mum? Get as many people on board as you can as to how he has been behaving, ALL of his behaviour, not just the recent stuff and let them support you in stamping out his unwanted attentions. STAMP ALL OVER THEM! x

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:55

krustykittens

Tbh I’ve never explained any of his inappropriate comments to my mother as I knew she would (rightly) want me to stop
seeing him and I didn’t want to have an awkward conversation or confrontation. Not even sure I told DH actually but if not will tell
him tonight. They will both be heavily on board with getting him out of my life.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 31/08/2018 19:01

TRIGGER WARNING

This would really freak me out, but then I'm a victim of childhood SA, and was abused by men like this. Okay, you weren't a child when he was involved with your mum, but you were nevertheless very young, and his behaviour sounds like it was creepy then and that it's creepy now.

Seriously, I would block him. If he continues to pester you, you should involve the police.

makingmammaries · 31/08/2018 19:04

OP, I remember your last thread. I’m in the ‘meet him at a café’ camp. Bore him for 20 mins about how busy the baby keeps you and then leave.

bertielab · 31/08/2018 19:10

Right, not your SF. Your mother's ex boyfriend. When they split up you cared for him -and he probably thought you fancied him as you got on -he had cancer was was left alone by friends and his fiance had finished with him -he was probably low and hurting with cancer. Red flag -why did your Mum dump him? Why didn't he have anyone else to look after him? Very weird.

I understand why you just tried to laugh off the comment. You don't know if he was just mumbling out loud etc.

For me I would make a decision -do you want him involved or not. If someone wanted space but didn't contact me for a month -I'd probably think they were playing with me and didn't want contact. - in his circumstances.
He doesn't seem to have any idea -that you don't view him a loving grandfather.

I think you need to decide what YOU want for you and for your DC.

If it's no. then choice

-'I'm really sorry. Having had a DC makes me realise how close I am to my mum and really you are just her ex boyfriend from 10 years ago -we don't really have any relationship now and I therefore think it's best if we both move on. Wish you all the best.

Or - Treat as you would do a distant relative ' You are welcome to come around and meet the baby and see myself and DH. I suggest XX day at XX time for a cup of tea.' and then when you get more messages say 'No I'm sorry' on repeat and 'We are busy' or at Christmas 'We are spending it with family this year, sorry' etc

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