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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TO EXPECT SOMEONE TO GET THE MESSAGE?!?!?

135 replies

crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:32

Ok, I officially have the rage now. I’ve posted twice about this. Summary is as follows:

Ex-stepfather who my mother and husband both dislike, was putting intense pressure on me to visit my newborn at inconvenient times (eg when midwife was due or my mother was staying and helping and didn’t want to see him). When I said no he emotionally blackmailed me about it by saying he would leave me alone forever. I didn’t respond and he then followed up saying more emotional blackmail not being needed anymore etc etc. MN gave me some excellent advice and I sent him a firm email explaining I felt he was being very selfish and not acting in my interests and that I wanted some space and I would be in touch when ready. He accepted this (or appeared to).

Three fucking weeks later and I have just received a message saying “seen the photos you've posted online. are you really not going to let me see DS?!”

I am so irritated at this after I requested space. WTF do I say now?!? How many times must I tell someone?! I really hate having to be unpleasant but I cannot stand being pressurised like this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2018 18:13

He's not getting the message because he is boundary pusher. You need to be much clearer with people like this. Not fair and not your fault but by giving mixed messages this is the situation you find yourself in. It is what it is.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:14

And if the hitting on you is true, you need him OUT of your life, permanently.

I think I am under reacting about all the inappropriate comments he has made to me tbh - he also tried to tell me DH wasnt interested in me after DH took him out for lunch to be nice to him before we were married.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 31/08/2018 18:14

You get that this is not remotely normal behaviour from him, right?

It sounds like you only got on well when you were supporting him, helping him ou, meeting his needs, and just generally doing what he wanted. Now that you're your own person, no longer running after him he's bullying and manipulating you to try and get you to go back to pleasing him.

Otherwise known as: he has no respect for you.

Why are you even attempting to maintain any kind of relationship with somebody who behaves like that and doesn't respect you in the slightest?

The problem here is much bigger than him "misunderstanding" what you meant by wanting space! (And he didn't misunderstand, he just wasn't getting what he wanted from you, so he's back to demand it with a different tactic now he's realised pretending to back away won't get what he wants.)

footballmum · 31/08/2018 18:15

I’m also struggling to understand why you refer to him as your stepdad when he’s actually just some bloke your mom had a short term relationship with years ago Confused

You have no obligation to continue any sort of relationship with him. You have no obligation to introduce him to your child. If you don’t want to see him, don’t. Too much drama over a relatively straightforward issue!

Chugalug · 31/08/2018 18:16

Block and log....log everything keep copies of everything he sends/ does...this is a as creepy as fuck...I peredict he will be stalking you....10 minutes round the corner??? Said you and him would make a better couple???... nah ,he's up to no good without a doubt

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:16

AnoukSpirit

I strongly agree with your last paragraph - that’s exactly how I feel

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 31/08/2018 18:16

I hope this question isn’t out of line, but is he the closest thing you ever had to a father op?

PawneeParksDept · 31/08/2018 18:16

I have no idea why you still have contact with this man at this point

Your mother does not like her former husband
Your DH doesn't like him
He is inappropriate towards you and makes you uncomfortable

This is your third thread about this man

WHY are you still even in contact at this stage?

Utterly Baffling!

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:17

NotTakenUsername

Yes

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 31/08/2018 18:18

I think I am under reacting about all the inappropriate comments he has made to me tbh - he also tried to tell me DH wasnt interested in me after DH took him out for lunch to be nice to him before we were married.

This man is a textbook abuser.

It's quite concerning that you don't seem to appreciate how incredibly abnormal his behaviour is. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - it will help you understand where the boundaries are for any kind of healthy, respectful relationship so you can extricate yourself from situations like this without getting dragged back in the next time he wheels out a trick or two.

brassbrass · 31/08/2018 18:18

You're responsible for this situation. Why did you maintain contact with him? Why didn't you just give him a slot when he could visit when he first asked? Did you really think that photos on FB wouldn't wind anyone up after a silence of 3 weeks which when talking about a newborn baby IS a long amount of time? You have given mixed signals by not being clear about how you view your relationship with him in the intervening years. He feels binned off but you haven't told him you're just snubbing him passively. Surely showing an interest in your baby is a good thing if he has been good enough to maintain contact with you even though he and your mum split up?

You're a parent now. Time to grow up.

Postino · 31/08/2018 18:19

Are you frightened by him? I think I might be, in your shoes

Postino · 31/08/2018 18:20

You don't have to be kind to men who ignore your boundaries, no matter how old they are

NotTakenUsername · 31/08/2018 18:21

crispysausagerolls Sad I think that makes this all a lot more understandable. But he is behaving badly and inappropriately.

This is not how a father/grandfather behaves.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:22

postino

I am not frightening I am just feeling very uncomfortable and guilty as well as annoyed. I also know he has a very unpleasant side and is extremely nasty when crossed - eg an ex threw him out and he is suing her for money spent in their relationship.

OP posts:
Lunde · 31/08/2018 18:22

Having read your updates regarding inappropriate behaviour and constant boundary pushing he sounds rather creepy. I doubt he will settle for a single visit and will constantly push for more access to your child and will expect to become a part of family life. I would not be happy to allow him access to my child and I think I would block him.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 31/08/2018 18:22

Well if you supported an ex boyfriend of your mother through illness, apparently long after she herself had left the scene, he might have reason to think your relationship is a lot closer than you imagine it is.
Particularly as you've kept up the contact for ten years.
Your boundaries are all over the place if you've done this for a man you don't particularly like 🤔

G1ngerpig · 31/08/2018 18:22

If it was anyone else doing this you would have cut them off a long time ago. He sounds like an arse!

And, I had a c-section so wasn't really up to seeing anyone for about 6 weeks. Get really fed up with the pressure to show off the new baby whilst you be recovering (from however the birth was), learning about feeding (however that is) etc. This is such a precious time in you and your babies life, everyone else can eff the eff off.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:23

Lunde

That’s exactly what I am afraid of!

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 31/08/2018 18:24

I just don’t know what to do I think the situation is very awkward.

Forget his age....you don't have any sort of real/meaningful relationship with the guy-he's a relative stranger.
he was a perverted creep towards you whilst in a relationship with your mother, and is now harassing you.

why exactly do you want him involved in your life?
where are your boundaries?
where's your self worth?

just tell him to leave you alone-and report him for harassment if he continues.
ignore him if you see him in the street.
neither of these options are difficult......unless you're secretly enjoying the attention!

Gersemi · 31/08/2018 18:24

If you really want to be polite, ask him round when your DH or someone else is there but emphasise it can only be for, say, half an hour or less. Make sure he isn't allowed to overstay, and ignore any requests to come again, or else say that, as you pointed out before, you really want some space and would appreciate him leaving you alone. Then, if he doesn't respect that, you're perfectly justified in telling him that, as he is ignoring your wishes, you won't be asking him round again, and block him from everything.

fuzzyfozzy · 31/08/2018 18:24

Meet him at a cafe for a brew?
But you need to actually decide what you want.

Maelstrop · 31/08/2018 18:25

You need serious boundaries, OP. Message him to tell him to get lost, block him. He’s just your mum’s ex, not relevant to your life or that of your ds.

Missingstreetlife · 31/08/2018 18:25

Tell him to f.off if that's how you feel. Will oh back you up?
If you want to see him, why? You can write to him, say he is out of order and the boundaries he needs to respect. If you get a reasonable response invite him to a cafe and take dh with you, or have him collect you after short time. If not, tell him to F off. Block ignore delete, cross the road if you see him. Stand up for yourself, you don't owe him anything.

Lunde · 31/08/2018 18:26

I know you want to be nice - but don't ignore what your radar is telling you. You feel uncomfortable around him and know he has a nasty side - don't expose your baby to this.

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