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Original poster

TO EXPECT SOMEONE TO GET THE MESSAGE?!?!?

135 replies

crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:32

Ok, I officially have the rage now. I’ve posted twice about this. Summary is as follows:

Ex-stepfather who my mother and husband both dislike, was putting intense pressure on me to visit my newborn at inconvenient times (eg when midwife was due or my mother was staying and helping and didn’t want to see him). When I said no he emotionally blackmailed me about it by saying he would leave me alone forever. I didn’t respond and he then followed up saying more emotional blackmail not being needed anymore etc etc. MN gave me some excellent advice and I sent him a firm email explaining I felt he was being very selfish and not acting in my interests and that I wanted some space and I would be in touch when ready. He accepted this (or appeared to).

Three fucking weeks later and I have just received a message saying “seen the photos you've posted online. are you really not going to let me see DS?!”

I am so irritated at this after I requested space. WTF do I say now?!? How many times must I tell someone?! I really hate having to be unpleasant but I cannot stand being pressurised like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:54

seems a bit mixed

It’s very mixed. I would have been happy for him to visit. However on the two days he was insistently messaging me all day I had 1) a midwife to wait for and 2) the HV to wait for AND I had my mother at home waiting for them with me. So I couldn’t give a time and he became very harassing about the situation. That’s when I pulled back and explained he was pressuring me. His response was to do the whole “I’ll never contact you again” card, only to contact me with emotional blackmail 2/3 days later. THAT is when I followed an MN poster advice and sent an email explaining how I felt and that I wanted space.

I suppose I thought it would buy me a few months but I see that most people here would construe space and being in touch as a matter of days or weeks!

And in the meantime my mother has been badmouthing him so much that I also think probably it will make my life so difficult to have him around anymore as she is so helpful with DS and clearly not happy with the situation.

OP posts:
XiCi · 31/08/2018 17:56

It's really hard from your posts to work out what's going on. On the one hand you seem overly dramatic. Why on earth would you need months of space from your stepfather. Why keep him from seeing your baby for months? Most family members can't wait to see a new born, why would he be any different. From reading your posts you just seem spiteful.
On the other hand, if as a pp has stated he is a sleazy old man who has been hitting on you why are you even giving him the time of day? Just tell him you don't want him in your life, and why

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:56

Also he has just moved 10 mins round the corner so the risk of bumping into him is very high. I just don’t know what to do I think the situation is very awkward.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/08/2018 17:56

Either let him round and get it over with or cut him out.

Job done.

RedSaidBread · 31/08/2018 17:58

Has he actually been hitting on you? If that's true with the moving close, the badgering and the emotional blackmail I would say get him gone now before it escalates any further. He's not family he sounds very odd and obsessive.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 17:59

On the other hand, if as a pp has stated he is a sleazy old man who has been hitting on you why are you even giving him the time of day? Just tell him you don't want him in your life, and why

He has repeatedly made comments to the effect that if he were younger and I were older we would be together. But the comments started several years ago when I was 20 or so and I was very embarrassed and didn’t know what to say so laughed them off. So although they made me uncomfortable I don’t think I could bring them up now as a reason, and I have always tried to brush them off and not take them seriously to avoid a drama.

I’m not being spiteful, I just resent being emotionally blackmailed, and i suppose I wanted to table the situation for a while to not have to deal with it, and he presented me with an opportunity.

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 31/08/2018 18:00

Does he know which house you live in?

LuluBellaBlue · 31/08/2018 18:01

I remember your previous threads.
He’s constantly testing and pushing your boundaries.
My advice would be delete, block, NC!
If he was a male friend would you put up with this sort of behaviour?

Storm2018 · 31/08/2018 18:02

Why do you refer to him as stepdad?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 31/08/2018 18:04

Why have you continued a relationship with a boyfriend your mother had for a brief period when you were 18??
Are you much older now?
That is truly bizarre. If you don't want anything to do with him, block him.

Theresnodisneyending · 31/08/2018 18:04

You can't reason with the irrational.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:04

LuluBellaBlue

If he were a male friend I would definitely not tolerate it, no! It’s probably very ageist but I think because he is older and lonely I feel a bit more sorry for him and let him get away with more than I would otherwise.

He does know where I live, yes.

OP posts:
Gersemi · 31/08/2018 18:04

I don't understand why saying he would leave you alone forever is emotional blackmail. It would only be blackmail if being left alone by him would bother you, and by the sound of things it clearly wouldn't.

I think I'd just replied by saying something along the lines of "I asked you to give me some space and wait till I'm ready, but you don't seem to be prepared to respect that. Therefore I regret that I have to ask you not to contact me again." Then block him from everything, including your Facebook page so he can't see what you're posting. If you see him in the street, blank him.

troodiedoo · 31/08/2018 18:05

I remember your old thread. this man sounds like trouble. I would cut contact.

Lunde · 31/08/2018 18:06

This was your DM's bf for a brief period of time - but it seems like he is considering himself as a grandparent. I think you need to decide what you want and make it clearer in your messages. It seems that he has interpreted "not now" as that you want to see him soon.

If you want an ongoing relationship with him and for him to come around and play granddad - then you should pick a day or offer him some days that you are free and invite him round.

If you don't want him in your family's life (and I can understand why you wouldn't given previous behaviour) then you need to say so clearly to him.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:06

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar

I am 10 years older. They lived together and were engaged but only for a year. However I was living at home at the time and we got on very well and also when they broke up he became unwell with cancer and his family weren’t there for him so I supported him through it. We were very friendly but I think honestly that time in my life is over and there isn’t much holding us together, plus my mother is unhappy and I am finding his behaviour very uncomfortable with the badgering etc

I realise it’s a bit of a bizarre situation now I’m writing it down

OP posts:
juliastone · 31/08/2018 18:06

It sounds like he has too much interest in you and your child. Perhaps he's an unstable person, looking for emotional attachment in places that are not his. You are his ex girlfriend's daughter, nothing else... his dramatic interest in your child is not normal

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:08

Gersemi

It’s emotional blackmail because I didn’t respond to it and he was contacting me a few days later. So he didn’t mean a word of it he was just trying to get me to relent as he didn’t understand or wouldn’t listen to me that it was not convenient.

I actually think your message is spot on but I would feel so unkind sending it. I think maybe I am just being a coward. I think he would be so hurt and even if I don’t really want to continue anymore that makes me feel obligated to

OP posts:
Atalune · 31/08/2018 18:09

Just give the man a date and time, cup of tea then bundle him out.

You said he could visit, honour it.

I think you’re really overreacting and sending him really mixed messages. No one would wait months to see a newborn, that’s just weird.

RabbitsAreTasty · 31/08/2018 18:09

Don't reply to the messages.

Block him.

If you see him on the street, avoid, but if you do come into contact be polite and promise nothing. If he kicks off say this is why I don't want to be in contact with you, you make me uncomfortable.

Atalune · 31/08/2018 18:10

However, if you don’t want to see him, tell him!

NotTakenUsername · 31/08/2018 18:11

I was going to suggest his gift was time sensitive, eg newborn clothes or something.

Reading your updates I’d actually feel a bit nervous about this dynamic.

Figlessfig · 31/08/2018 18:12

If it’s true that he once tried to hit on you (and I may well be mistaken) then you don’t want him anywhere near your baby or you.

Block him on everything - especially sites where you’ve posted pictures. Be very careful about anyone who wants to friend or follow you in case it’s him using another name.

If he was an ACTUAL stepfather i.e. had been married to your mother, and been a big part of your life, it might be different. But he’s basically a random your mum kipped up with for a bit, so you owe him nothing.

And if the hitting on you is true, you need him OUT of your life, permanently.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 31/08/2018 18:12

I suppose I am torn between just seeing him to be polite and kind and shutting it down. The issue with the first thing is now he lives round the corner he will be asking to meet several times a week and being very insistent about it. The issue with the latter is I would feel unkind but also he lives so close that the chances of bumping into him often are high.

OP posts:
ShalomJackie · 31/08/2018 18:13

He is not your ex stepfather and never was your stepfather. he was your Mum's boyfriend for a short while. You do not have to have anything to do with him at all.

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