TO EXPECT SOMEONE TO GET THE MESSAGE?!?!?

[crispysausagerolls]

Ok, I officially have the rage now. I’ve posted twice about this. Summary is as follows:

Ex-stepfather who my mother and husband both dislike, was putting intense pressure on me to visit my newborn at inconvenient times (eg when midwife was due or my mother was staying and helping and didn’t want to see him). When I said no he emotionally blackmailed me about it by saying he would leave me alone forever. I didn’t respond and he then followed up saying more emotional blackmail not being needed anymore etc etc. MN gave me some excellent advice and I sent him a firm email explaining I felt he was being very selfish and not acting in my interests and that I wanted some space and I would be in touch when ready. He accepted this (or appeared to).

Three fucking weeks later and I have just received a message saying “seen the photos you've posted online. are you really not going to let me see DS?!”

I am so irritated at this after I requested space. WTF do I say now?!? How many times must I tell someone?! I really hate having to be unpleasant but I cannot stand being pressurised like this.

You need to do something definitive. It's a shame he knows where you live.

I would either message or meet at a coffee shop and say that you don't wish him any ill but don't want contact with him in any way shape or form. You never liked the inappropriate comments from him, but are seeing them in a whole new light now you are a parent yourself and don't want to hear from him again. You hope he can respect that or you may be forced to involve your mum/police if he harasses you.

I know the 'whole new light now you're a parent' bit isn't strictly true but it gives him a reason to make sense of why this is happening now and hopefully get the message loud and clear.

Hiding it from people who love you isn't healthy.

I suggest you tell them (I know it feels uncomfortable), and never contact him again.

I would have no qualms about telling this sleazy arsehole to fuck right off. I would then block him on my phone and all social media. If he came round or otherwise continued to stalk or harrass me then I would probably report him to the police. Yes, it really is as creepy as that.

You don't need him in your life and you would be putting your child at risk from him if you don't get rid of him now. He wasn't even your stepfather.

Ok this is what I'm getting.
This man was your mum's boyfriend for a short time, whilst you were an adult.
He isn't your step father.
He has tried to drive a wedge between you and your dh.
Your mum does not want anything to do with him.
He has been a complete creep towards you.
There is ill feeling towards him from your mum. Quite possibly He has done things to her which caused the breakup or said ,things which show his true colours, to such an extent that she feels uncomfortable in his presence.
He does not respect boundaries .
In your position I would send a message saying ' after reflection , you do not respect my boundaries and I've come to the conclusion that I don't want you to be in our lives. Don't contact me again. Thank you for understanding.'
Then block him from everything.
if you see him, blank him.

1. your mother and your husband dislike him
2. he has been sending you 10-20 messages a day (which in itself would make me stop contact with him)
3. he suggests visiting you at inconvenient times (even though presumably he is retired but anyway the polite visitor asks when they can visit)
4. he was never your step-father
5. he has in the past said creepy things about dating you instead of your mother
6. he makes weird dramatic threats

Why would you want to maintain contact with him?

If you are going to meet him once more I would make it a) in a café and b) with your husband, present nice cosy family front and I would actually get your husband to warn him off

A "variety" of opinions ?

It's been pretty unanimous, hasn't it ?

Tell your mum. Tell her everything he has said to you and how uncomfortable he is making you feel. Tell your DH. You all know better than any of us how he will react. Maybe together you can come up with the most effective way to get rid of the fucker. I guarantee you'll feel better offloading this to them and getting their support.

That is a good message from Belinda

Please if this man abused you in the past get some help. The Samaritans will be able to point you in the right direction. I can't think why he would have some form of hold over you otherwise.

I can see why OP is reacting like this - this creepy old fuck is an expert manipulator and probably the only person who has ever come anywhere near being a father figure. So she's reacting in the same way as anyone else who had a toxic or abusive parent would react - it's a mixture of fear, guilt and misplaced loyalty that has stopped her telling him to fuck off out of her life.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this when you have a newborn, OP. I think the best thing to do is what PP said - send him an email to the effect that you no longer want him in your lives and you wish him well but he is not to contact you again. And if the nasty bastard tries to imply he will take legal action to see his 'grandchild', ignore it - he has no rights at all to any contact with you or any other member of your family.

Turns out I had not told DH about all the creepy stuff. He firmly thinks I should just ignore him - he said contacting him at all just satisfies his need to be engaged with; and that telling him to go away etc is pointless as he knows where we live. Not sure how that’s a long term plan though.

Well your DH sounds as ambiguous as you to be honest.

This man is nothing to you except a source of angst and worry.

Someone needs to clearly set the boundaries here.

Send him an email. Tell him you no longer feel your relationship with him is appropriate or beneficial, you wish him well but need to concentrate on your family now.

And then block. If he starts harassing you then go to the Police!!

Stand up for yourself.

Thing is OP, if you do as your DH suggest, then DM's ex is never going to get the message, because he's never been given it!

OP, you need help with setting and maintaining boundaries.

I'd recommend these books
A Woman in your Own Right: Assertiveness and You
The Gift of Fear

Both are available on Kindle and for pennies in secondhand paperback.

The Gift of Fear in particular will show you that you cannot be vague with dangerous (yes) people like this. You need to be completely clear. "Your recent messages have shown me that you don't respect my boundaries. I don't want to be in contact with you any longer. Please do not contact me again."

No use of "sorry", no use of "it's inappropriate because I'm married", no "I'm a bit tired right now," etc. You need to state that YOU don't want contact.

Once you've sent it, block him on your phone, email, social media etc.

If he tried to come to your house, shout through the door "You need to leave or I will call the police" and follow through if he doesn't fuck off. Believe me police will be VERY interested in a guy who has repeatedly made passes at his ex's young daughter and is now super-invested in her baby.

Good luck. I came from a family like yours where the motto was always "Don't cause a fuss, don't cause an argument, just make an excuse." You really do not have to keep doing this.

Don’t listen to your DH. That’s fairly ridiculous advice in the circumstances.
Spineless, as well. Tell him not to contact you again, tell him why, and THEN (but only then) ignore.

I also know he has a very unpleasant side and is extremely nasty when crossed - eg an ex threw him out and he is suing her for money spent in their relationship.

But you're not an ex. He has nothing over you.

And who cares if you bump into him? Just ignore him like you would anyone else you'd stopped speaking to.

Honestly, it sounds like he sees you as a romantic partner or potential romantic partner, demanding to see the baby as though he's the father.

You've been very kind to him. And like many creepy men he's more than happy to abuse your kindness and push as far as he can to get what he wants.

I should just ignore him - he said contacting him at all just satisfies his need to be engaged with; and that telling him to go away etc is pointless as he knows where we live.

These statements contradict each other... It doesn't matter that he knows where you live. If he is that much of a shadow over your lives perhaps you should plan to move. Just ignore him, and if he comes to your door, call the police. Essentially he's a stalker and you need to start seeing him that way.

Ok I will message him as suggested - notthefordtype I think your message is ideal

I think that you do have to send him just one more message - Belinda's message. So if you later have to call the police because he is stalking or harassing you he cannot then claim that he didn't know you had wanted him to stop.

Then block him everywhere.

I really don't think the responses are that varied. Some people may only have read your first post, in which you erroneously refer to him as your former stepfather. That gives a totally false impression of the real situation, which becomes clear in your subsequent posts.

This man is creepy as fuck and a potential risk to your child (to you too, perhaps).

Get him out of your life. Unequivocally. No need to be kind. He isn't kind. He is a pest.

Stop explaining yourself to this man...

Block Him.. the end

She hasn’t explained herself. That’s the problem.

"You're responsible for this situation...You're a parent now. Time to grow up."

I think people have been incredibly harsh on this thread.

OP - this may surprise you but I have been in a very similar situation.

I think the advice you have been given on here may be unhelpful. IF you think it is too hard to send that sort of confrontational message - so difficult that you can't actually bring yourself to do it - then it's bad advice. You may find yourself in a situation where you just end up carrying on seeing this person because the thought of sending that message is just too difficult.

However, if you are brave enough to do so - and I hope you are - carry on.

For my part, I sought similar advice from friends and was getting the same sorts of responses. Until one person, who I love and respect, simply said "fuck all that. If you don't want to write to him, don't. You don't owe him anything."

Key difference - he doesn't know where I live.

I hope you find the strength to do this, OP. Or get your husband to do it for you, even if it's just him hitting the "send" button. Too often we become isolated with these problems. That's how these men insert themselves where they are not wanted.

In my case, the last time I saw my stepfather, I had to ask my DH not to ever leave us alone together. Even with that warning, we were in a group and my husband drifted off. In those few moments, SF managed to "get me alone" and start talking about a visit. It's fucking awful because years of socialisation stop you from shouting out "DH, I need you over here NOW."

To all the "tough love" posters on here - you don't know what it's like until you've been there. Really.

To clarify - I simply cut my SF off. He's not happy about it, but I don't give a shit. I simply wasn't up to writing some "fuck off" message, and why should I have to? It would have been incredibly difficult for me, and I'm not the one who did anything wrong.

Again, though - I'm lucky in that he doesn't know where I live.

"She hasn’t explained herself. That’s the problem."

She doesn't have to explain a thing.

Seriously unimpressed with this attitude. Surprised it's so unanimous. It's HARD to write messages of the kind that people are suggesting. And do you all really think that this man will read it and melt away into the woodwork, never to be heard from again? Fuck no he won't.

Well no, she dorsn’t have to explain why she doesn’t want to keep in contact with him. But she does have to let him actually know that she doesn’t, because so far he seems blissfully unaware.
She’s been in contact for the past ten years, how is he supposed to realise things have changed without a single word being uttered?