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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel attracted to someone unattractive

336 replies

AmIBeingRealistic · 31/08/2018 00:44

I was walking home one day past this guy, who I don’t know. Let’s call him A. A was well groomed, wearing suit and tie, clean shaven, etc. I looked at him, but didn’t feel attracted to him. He is not remotely attractive and most people would rate him a 3/10.

A few weeks later, I walked past an office and saw A playing with his son. I noticed him looking at me but didn’t think much else. Two days later, I was surprised to find out that A was in fact a respected member in the community. He gives lots of seminars and weekly talks on self development, life, etc. I’ve heard his name mentioned many times before by friends that attend and recommend his talks, but never seen or paid that much attention to him. He is also divorced and a single father.

So I decide to look up his talks on FB, and get hooked. His knowledge, confidence and personality shines throughout. After listening to so many talks, I felt extremely attracted to A and felt like I could look past his looks.

He is pale, bony, has chipped tooth, slightly hunched back and health complications. As weird as it sounds, I see him as a 10/10 look wise. I feel desire towards him and butterflies in my stomach when watching his videos. I even saw one video with a panel discussion, where there were around another 5 men along with him, and he appeared to be the least attractive of them all. There were two handsome panel speakers, but I didn’t feel anything towards them, but felt a burning sensation of desire and attraction towards A.

I am really thinking of getting things started with A. He shares custody between his ex wife. I have no kids myself, but willing to be a stepmother to young kids. I’ve never considered single dads previously, but now I’m willing to accept it without question.

Before I persue this, I want to know if it’s possible to sustain a relationship in the long term with someone who you initially viewed as unattractive. I’m now in a, you can call it honeymoon sort of phase, but when reality sets in, what will possibly happen? Will I just see A as the initial 3/10 and feel unsatisfied?

Is anyone here in a relationship with a partner who is unattractive, but they feel extremely attracted to them? AIBU to think you it’s possible to feel intense attraction towards an unattractive person?

OP posts:
EnglishRose13 · 31/08/2018 07:30

This sounds like the plot line of a cheesy movie but I am hooked.

Please talk to him and report back. Good luck!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/08/2018 07:31

I think you can find someone attractive who others don't.

I think you can find someone attractive when seeing their public persona from a distance and become infatuated with this.....and then be very disappointed when you get to know them better. He might be very different to how you imagine him OP. The more you've built him up in your head, the harder it's going to be to get to know the real him. I'd take a step back, stop imagining, try and meet him and just keep an open mind. And then come back and let us know how it went!

WhiteDust · 31/08/2018 07:32

He gives lots of seminars and weekly talks on self development, life, etc. I’ve heard his name mentioned many times

Go to one of them.
You might learn something about life & humility.
You'll get to meet him in person.

cholka · 31/08/2018 07:32

He's way out of your league, honey

mariniere · 31/08/2018 07:33

@PodgeHog that is exactly what I thought... must be a wind up?!

kaytee87 · 31/08/2018 07:36

Power has been proven to be attractive to women, it's in our biology.

You sound mental though, you've never even spoken to him and you want to be his kids step mother Shock

Promiseme · 31/08/2018 07:40

I do know what you mean. I had a long relationship with someone who was strikingly unattractive and he was so unusual looking it was fascinating. However he also did talks and could enthral an audience. Charisma is a powerful thing.

He was an amazing partner. Must say though the physical attraction never grew.

Theresnodisneyending · 31/08/2018 07:41

You're probably a 3/10 to him too, but as you're not semi famous like he is he probably won't find you attractive at all.

Graphista · 31/08/2018 07:41

Your thread title is wrong imo.

To be attracted to someone not physically attractive. Is more accurate.

Attraction is primarily but not solely physical.

There's also sapiophilia - being attracted to someone because of their intellect. I am a sapiophile.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and can grow the more you get to know someone too.

All that said, I don't think you should get in a relationship with this man, because I suspect you place too much store on physical attractiveness and think you'd be doing him a favour! Let him find someone who truly appreciates him for who he is - chipped tooth and all.

"I might tag along with her, when she sees him. Is that a good idea?" Wtf? No! You don't use friends and you DEFINITELY don't use children like that! Grow up!

footballmum · 31/08/2018 07:43

Is that you Eleanor Oliphant?!

roundaboutthetown · 31/08/2018 07:54

Sorry, OP, but you sound weird. If you are attracted to him, you are attracted to him. If not, then not. Who knows what will happen over time? It's not as if "conventionally attractive people" all have long term, successful relationships (especially if the only thing they have going for them is conventional good looks).

Glaciferous · 31/08/2018 07:57

I think the real question is in your username.

Am I being realistic?

Absolutely not, you are being a moony teenager. This is like the time I decided I was going to be Mrs David Bowie because he would see at once that only I could truly understand him. Luckily I grew up.

ChateauRouge · 31/08/2018 07:58

What have I just read?

Nostradamus Grin

Promiseme · 31/08/2018 08:00

Why doesn’t he get his tooth fixed?

ChateauRouge · 31/08/2018 08:01

He's a single dad- maybe he can't afford to! Why should he, if it's not affecting eating? Hmm

noego · 31/08/2018 08:02

He might view you as just another 'groupie'

QueenOfTheAndals · 31/08/2018 08:04

the Hunchback of Nostradamus

Bet he didn't see that coming...

Riojasmooth · 31/08/2018 08:05

OP, get to know him a bit better before you make your move.
I'd suggest you invest in a trench coat and trilby, get a good notebook and see where he goes. You can learn a lot about what makes a man tick by observing him from about 15' for a few days.

Showpony2 · 31/08/2018 08:06

Maybe he has no interest in you and doesn’t particularly think you are attractive?

This sounds creepy

BitOutOfPractice · 31/08/2018 08:07

@PodgeHog I also thought “Eleanor Oliphabt”

twattymctwatterson · 31/08/2018 08:11

This sounds like an incel trying to "prove" how shallow women are

Orchardgreen · 31/08/2018 08:12

Shouldn’t you be buying a new pencil case for going back to school?

User12879923378 · 31/08/2018 08:16

He gives lots of seminars and weekly talks on self development, life, etc.

Where do you live? No one in my community gives talks like this on a weekly basis.

MurunBuchstansagur · 31/08/2018 08:17

You’re quite,quite mad.

PristineCondition · 31/08/2018 08:17

It's ok
He will have a make over, become a 11/10and prom king and OP can then date him Without shame