AIBU to think my 13yo step daughter should apologise to DH and me for having a party while we were on holiday?

[HelenK73]

DSD lives with her mum but spends 3 nights with us a week. We have a 17 month old and went on holiday with my mum but DSD didn't come. She only lives a few doors away from us so as she has keys we asked her to feed the fish and water plants while we were away. My DH was worried about this as he had doubts she could be trusted (she's gone off the rails a bit since starting secondary school) but i thought we should extend the trust and see. So we got a phone call while away to say fish had died. She was really upset so I felt really sorry for her. When we got back. The keys for the house were left in the front door and it became clear something had happened while we were away. There had obviously been a clean up operation but there was still stains on upstairs carpet. Also signs that people had been in our bedroom, mop and broom totally ruined, watering can smashed in, kitchen counter top trim missing, half a bottle of expensive gin drunk and 2 bottles of slow gin, pictures my dd did at nursery trampled on. Tv was on MTV at volume 100 so neighbours must have been disturbed. DSD came round in the morning and admitted to having a few people round, who then invited more people and it all got out of hand. I didn't say anything as wanted to leave it to her dad to deal with. She was due to stay with us that night so DH tried talking to her by asking what happened to the kitchen work top trim. He was met with a really surly response and when he suggested she should look for it in the bin he got a resounding no he could do it himself and he was making her angry. She then stormed out and stayed at her mums. The next day i messaged her mum to say what happened and ask if she could shed any light on what had gone on while we were awau as apparently DSD had asked her to help kick people out. The response was "what do you think happened?" so i told her what i knew and asked if we could chat about it. She replied that DSD had already been punished by being made to clean up and that she was dealing with it and DH could call her when he was ready. So my reply was that i thought DSD should be accountable to us for her actions and that i would still like to talk about it. I said that it was my things that had been trashed or taken so DSD should go some way to making amends for that and showing some remorse. I have yet to receive a response and that was 24 hours ago. So AIBU to expect an apology and to have some interaction about this. DH is scared of pushing DSD away but I think that leaves us open to being treated like doormats. Also I think she should reimburse for things taken and apologise to the neighbours.

I don't think the mum is necessarily a "shitty parent", she most likely also doesn't know how to respond to this. Giving 13yo keys to an empty house, with stashes of alcohol is extremely naïve and irresponsible. You're lucky it was just a kids' party, you could have been robbed big time.

Agree with gamer more entitled, mollycoddled spoilt little shits who tantrum liked toddlers, shit all over people and swan around with no consequences

Just picked this an one example of many posts which imply that this is a new and ineffective model of parenting.

I'm no spring chicken. My oldest stepdaughter is in her mid 30s, she fucked up majorly in her teens in lots of ways and was the focus of her mum and stepdad's anger as a result. At no point did they ever actually try to understand why she was behaving like it, they shouted and punished her. She totally disconnected from them because she was not in a good place and felt shit about herself and their response exacerbated this. Her dad and I listened to her and supported her through the things she was struggling with, and we gave her boundaries and consequences - the 2 aren't mutually exclusive.

She is now a HCP and fantastic mum to 2. She hasn't spoken to her mum since she was 18.

This girl knows she's fucked up and she now has to manage the perceptions of her at school as well as at home. There are clearly background issues going on which are contributing to her out of character and chaotic behaviour. She's retreating into her shell when people go angry with her, so this strategy clearly doesn't work. A different tack is needed.

I think some posters are struggling to understand that you don't need to go in all guns blazing in order to deal with this. Not shouting and bawling doesn't equal not dealing with it and raising a generation of 'little shits'.

This happened to us when DSD was 15. We were taking MIL away for a couple of nights and neither stepchild wished to accompany us (they lived with us). DSS had a school trip and DSD had arranged to stay with a friend. But of course an empty house was too much temptation and of course word got round and undesirables turned up. We came back to a trashed house, though to be fair to DSD she had made huge efforts to clean up in the short time available to her. She was utterly sorry about it and had clearly learned a big lesson, so we did not actually feel the need to be too heavy-handed about punishment. Can't remember what we did. Probably cut her allowance for a while. MIL delighted in overseeing the final clean up operation and I think that was probably punishment enough!

It is not at all unreasonable to expect a proper apology and explanation and her mother ought to be insisting on this. In the absence of some kind of remorse I see no reason why the OP should take a particularly kindly approach.

@PerfectPenquins
Worried mum why are you calling mum rubbish when dad has 50/50 care? Should he not be carrying some responsibility for this child’s behaviour?

Er because she was under the supervision of her mother, not her father. I see a lot of threads on here that child did xyz at dad's house at the weekend and no one says, oh well its also your fault!
What on earth was this 13!! year olds mother doing whilst she and her friends were killing fish a couple of doors down???

it could have easily been that mum though DD was "spending a night at friend's"

@dailyshite

FYI - I was one of those teens. Living with an abusive mother and an alcoholic Step father. Ran away to my Dads aged 16, who I had not seen for years due to parental alienation. I moved in there. He got me therapy, I was put on medication, he went into school and fought my corner, and whilst he took the brunt of my behaviour, and did nothing but love me, if I crossed a line, I was punished. Such as changing the password for the AOL dial up . It was a brutal 5 years both for me and for him; I was diagnosed with CPTSD (17) and trauma induced manic depression (20).

So you’ll find I’m a big supporter of showing a troubled teen nothing but love, and finding out the reasons why, but they do need firm boundaries.

She doesn't need to be punished. That isn't going to help you or her. It's pointless

Sweet Jesus, some people on here have no clue.

Stole from my step mother at 11. Was grounded, made to pay the money back by doing extra chores over months and months, and they didn't trust me again until years later. It was what I NEEDED at 11. I NEEDED the discipline and the punishment, I would have just gone on to do it again otherwise.

Why do we teach our children about consequences when they are small but not follow it up when they are teens.Yes they're still children but they think they know what they're doing.
My DD if 15 and if she did anything like this she would be apologising profuslyand expect a bit of a bollocking followed by a lesson on how to clean up properly and getting her to cost up replacements for things trashed so that she has a full understanding of the financial and emotional trauma she has caused the whole family.

Sorry if that was my ds and he’d done that at his dads and dads partners home, I’d be around their grovelling my arse off as I’d deem it my responsibility.

I’m wondering did mum tell her she could have friends around and have a small party that got out of hand?

She should absolutely be punished, grounding or similar.

However, why wasn’t she invited? My dad remarried and had a new baby when I was 12 or so, they often went on holidays without even mentioning it to me. If he had asked me to feed the fish etc while gone I probably would’ve been tempted to break something - punish him for the way he was making me feel. I was so angry at him, the situation and life. He had replaced me not To mention all the stress of being a teenager on top of it.

I’m not defending her behaviour and absolutely have the attitude that kids are entitled and spoilt these days, but even now 20 years later I still have anger and sadness in my heart from it. It affected my trust in men greatly and I too went off the rails, looking back it was a desperate cry for attention and love - mostly in the form of sex with random people.

I hope you punish her, but I also hope she knows she’s loved. Not a dig at step parents and I’m sure you are loving to her, just think in these threads it’s always worth having a look to see if there’s something bigger going on.

showing a troubled teen nothing but love, and finding out the reasons why, but they do need firm boundaries

Exactly. Not just getting angry and giving someone a bollocking, but showing love and understanding and keeping them safe by teaching them how to manage boundaries and relationships.

I'm glad that your dad was able to give you what you needed.

So a child/ young teenager beat another child badly they don't need to be punished they need nothing but love (despite it being a crime and the law certainly disagrees with the notion that troubled teens only need love not punishment)

Of course a troubled teen need love AND punishment so they understand boundaries or are you the school of thought punishments are bad no matter what. (The bane of all teachers lives little johny has not done his homework parents refuse to let the school punish little johny soon grows up into a adult were misbehavior has much more serious consequences and the parents do their children no favors in attempting to stop them experiencing punishment.

You could have a thread about a step kid trying to kill the stpmpther and you would still have a multitude of replies about how the child needs love and understanding and it's not their fault and overanalysing of every single thing the SM says to find fault and excuses. I'm surprised no one asked the OP if she was the OW yet.

Kids need boundaries and discipline. You can love a kid and give them this as well. Kids need expectations set high and opportunities to earn trust. An£if they fuck up? You talk about it,give a consequence and move on.

I'm also wondering why you've moved only a few doors away. Is someone trying to rub your relationship in the mum's nose I wonder?

Is someone projecting, I wonder?
Jeez, OP already said she moved there so they could be nearer to dsd. Only on here are 2nd wives vilified so much

I'd be expecting her mum to make reparation.

Both parents are being vvvvvvvvu.

If any if my kids did this I would be Beyonce mortified and wonder where I went wrong as a parent. And there would be serious consequences!

She has to come put right the mess. Apologise to you and dh and the neighbours on the street as they must all have been disturbed by teens being kicked out. I would take her key away and she will have to earn that back. She must then do a truck load of chores to pay back for the alcohol, fish and anything broken or damaged. That's what I would do. But I appreciate her mother will make it difficult.

If mine ever did what yours did especially at that age there would be tell to pay

I would be irate, but then so would my husband. The Mum does sound like a large part of the problem, but your husband needs to step up and start communicating with his ex. He needs to be the one to deal with this in regards to the communication, you should be a united front in enforcing punishments to the SD. But yes, of course she needs consequences for this.

It's fair to take the keys off her in the future when you go away and get someone else to look after the fish.

She's shown she can't be trusted.

She should apologise without question. I imagine her mum feels embarrassed because it doesn't reflect so well on her. She didn't know what her 13 yo was up to and she's caused such damage to your house.

The sensible thing would have been for her to tell her ex what happened and how disappointed she was in DD.... and potentially discuss a punishment together.

She'd rather sweep it under the rug...and you contacting her rather than your OH is just more embarrassing for her and she's gone into defensive mode.

I also think that this is nothing to do with being a child from divorced parents. My brother and I used to have parties all the time when my parents were away - lots of people did. We had parents who were together and a very stable upbringing. We did it because we could, simple as that. It’s quite normal teenage stuff.

That said, it’s naughty as fuck and I she definitely deserves to be punished for it. I suppose the difficulty you’ve got is that if the punishment takes place while she’s at your house, she’ll just opt not to come and stay at her mum’s. If the Mum isn’t on board then that’s problematic.