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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my 13yo step daughter should apologise to DH and me for having a party while we were on holiday?

144 replies

HelenK73 · 30/08/2018 09:42

DSD lives with her mum but spends 3 nights with us a week. We have a 17 month old and went on holiday with my mum but DSD didn't come. She only lives a few doors away from us so as she has keys we asked her to feed the fish and water plants while we were away. My DH was worried about this as he had doubts she could be trusted (she's gone off the rails a bit since starting secondary school) but i thought we should extend the trust and see. So we got a phone call while away to say fish had died. She was really upset so I felt really sorry for her. When we got back. The keys for the house were left in the front door and it became clear something had happened while we were away. There had obviously been a clean up operation but there was still stains on upstairs carpet. Also signs that people had been in our bedroom, mop and broom totally ruined, watering can smashed in, kitchen counter top trim missing, half a bottle of expensive gin drunk and 2 bottles of slow gin, pictures my dd did at nursery trampled on. Tv was on MTV at volume 100 so neighbours must have been disturbed. DSD came round in the morning and admitted to having a few people round, who then invited more people and it all got out of hand. I didn't say anything as wanted to leave it to her dad to deal with. She was due to stay with us that night so DH tried talking to her by asking what happened to the kitchen work top trim. He was met with a really surly response and when he suggested she should look for it in the bin he got a resounding no he could do it himself and he was making her angry. She then stormed out and stayed at her mums. The next day i messaged her mum to say what happened and ask if she could shed any light on what had gone on while we were awau as apparently DSD had asked her to help kick people out. The response was "what do you think happened?" so i told her what i knew and asked if we could chat about it. She replied that DSD had already been punished by being made to clean up and that she was dealing with it and DH could call her when he was ready. So my reply was that i thought DSD should be accountable to us for her actions and that i would still like to talk about it. I said that it was my things that had been trashed or taken so DSD should go some way to making amends for that and showing some remorse. I have yet to receive a response and that was 24 hours ago. So AIBU to expect an apology and to have some interaction about this. DH is scared of pushing DSD away but I think that leaves us open to being treated like doormats. Also I think she should reimburse for things taken and apologise to the neighbours.

OP posts:

BasilFaulty · 30/08/2018 09:48

Of course she should apologise! She's completely thrown your trust back in both of your faces.
Don't text the mum again, she sounds like a wet blanket. None of your requests are out of the ordinary and seem perfectly reasonable, your DH won't be doing her any favours by not letting this be a learning experience for her.

Oh, and brace yourself for the 'Butt out, none of your business, let your stepchild ruin your home and trash your stuff but ssshhh not your circus, not your money's' brigade

maxthemartian · 30/08/2018 09:51

So your fish got killed during this party? And she's THIRTEEN? That's really shocking and more so that her parents are being so blasè.

Feckitall · 30/08/2018 09:52

13?
13?
13?
And her mother didn't know/stop what she was doing?
Dear god!

Her mother is as accountable as the 13 year old in my book..
I would be taking key off her for a start..

She has shown she cant be trusted on her own in the house.

Fairylea · 30/08/2018 09:56

Keys back, apologies need to be made, social media / phone confiscated for a period of time until she can be trusted. I would be absolutely horrified if this was my dd (I have a 15 year old dd).

maZebraltov · 30/08/2018 09:56

So Bio-mum knew the party happened but didn't supervise the clean-up effort, didn't stop the party from happening (didn't she notice her Dd out for hours?), & didn't apologise to you for not keeping better eye on the DD?

If I were a step-mum I'd be totally hands-off on this one, your DH has to negotiate with his first family. You can apologise to neighbours to try to repair relations there, that's one thing you can get control of.

MissionItsPossible · 30/08/2018 10:00

Fucking hell. Yes she should be made to apologise. Wouldn’t be surprised if the fish was killed purposely or someone poured alcohol in the tank for a “laugh”.

NonaGrey · 30/08/2018 10:01

Wait a minute her Mum helped her kick people out but didn’t turn the TV off or tidy up or remove the keys from the door?

Something is wrong with this story, it doesn’t sound right. Where was Mum while this was happening? Couldn’t she hear the noise/see the party goers?

Didn’t the neighbours call the police given they knew you were away?

None of this makes sense.

MissionItsPossible · 30/08/2018 10:01

I would be absolutely fucking LIVID

MissionItsPossible · 30/08/2018 10:03

Wait a minute her Mum helped her kick people out but didn’t turn the TV off

I took that to mean when OP turned the TV on it was on volume 100.

Something is wrong with this story, it doesn’t sound right. Where was Mum while this was happening? Couldn’t she hear the noise/see the party goers?

Does it sound like the mother gives a shit what her daughter is doing or OP’s house being trashed?

DisgustedofSouthend · 30/08/2018 10:07

but the mother came round to help evict the gatecrashers. the mother didnt too much if the tv was still on full volume and the key was in the lock! the mother should be on your side

MyDcAreMarvel · 30/08/2018 10:09

At 13 I would be much more annoyed at her Mum, she is still very young. 16 I would blame dsd but not at 13.

serbska · 30/08/2018 10:10

where was her mother while all this was going on??

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/08/2018 10:12

You live too near each other, there aren't any boundaries. DSD Mum shouldn't be in your house nor should DSD while you are away.

I know it's her home aswell but only while there are adults supervising.

As for punishment, she should certainly pay for any damage. I would consider moving away if that's at all possible in the future. No way would I live a few doors down from an Ex.

NonaGrey · 30/08/2018 10:12

Does it sound like the mother gives a shit what her daughter is doing or OP’s house being trashed?

Possibly not, but it’s still it how most adults would behave (if only to get their child out of trouble)

If the OP is giving the full story as she know it, I think that there’s still stuff she hasn’t been told because it’s not really logical.

I’d be off to see the neighbours tbh and find out what really happened.

CherryPavlova · 30/08/2018 10:14

This is one case where I’d make a safeguarding referral. The child is clearly at risk.
The child is 13 years of age and her mother has been neglectful in extremis. There needs to be more than an apology. Limp parenting which will only get worse.

WinnieFosterTether · 30/08/2018 10:15

I agree with a PP, none of this makes sense. Your DH needs to get to the bottom of it. And you need to be consistent about who is dealing with this - you or him? Because you implied that you left him to speak to his DD but then you called his ex about it.
DSD doesn't need mixed messages from three adults in her life. You need an united front.
And if there are issues between you and his ex, then your DH needs to sit down with his ex and find out where she thought her DD was when she was having the party, who came, what happened, etc.
There are lots of ways a teenage party can go wrong and some involve bullying so I'd want a clear picture before jumping to conclusions (especially since the picture you have atm is obviously incomplete).

PinkHeart5914 · 30/08/2018 10:16

Where the fuck was her mother while this 13 year old was throwing a party?

I think the mother needs to start being a proper mum and know what her child is up to and stop them if the behaviour is unacceptable, which throwing a party is.

The child needs to apologise of course and take your key back!

TheMatteEffect · 30/08/2018 10:16

I suspect that the Mother knew that a few friends were going around, that it did indeed get out of hand, but she's now shitting it that you are going to blame her for being irresponsible.

How did the fish die? This would be the first thing I would want to know, fuck the counter top - what happened to the fish?

She cannot treat you or your property with such disrespect and not have consequences from you and your partner. I'm sorry, but that's just not on - what happens next time you go away?

TheMatteEffect · 30/08/2018 10:17

Oh, and who brought the alcohol? Did you leave it there? Buy a lockable drinks cupboard if so.

llangennith · 30/08/2018 10:21

Take your house keys off her as she cannot be trusted at the moment. Or change the locks and when she discovers she has to knock on your door to get in she'll get the message.
13yo is quite old enough to know you don't have a houseparty without the consent of the house owner, whether it's her mother's house or father's house.

DancingDot · 30/08/2018 10:24

So my first issue with this thread is this -

DSD lives with her mum but spends 3 nights with us a week

This actually means that your SD lives with her Mum 4 days a week and lives with her Dad 3 days a week. This statement alone is indicative of what it feels like to be a child living between two parents. Both places are her home and from the way you are describing the set up - your home is not described as her home and this is an issue.

You talk about her going off the rails and the party was a bad idea (but let's face it she's not the first or last teenager to do this). It is very common for children of separated parents to demonstrate their anger, hurt and frustrations in bad behaviour and outbursts. And remember that children learn to deal with conflict from the adults around them. Her unwillingness to communicate and apologise may be born from embarrassment, fear, shame, but given what you said about both Mum's text message and Dad's reluctance to confront, her parents may not have been the best role models in how to deal with conflict positively.

Give her a break - I know it's hard and you must be gutted that your home and trust were treated so shabbily, but remember that this little girl is hurt and sad. I would expect an apology, but I wouldn't insist on one just for the sake of it - the words don't mean that much anyway and I would be more interested in encouraging your husband to try to find a way to help your step daughter sort through her feelings and find better ways to deal with her anger and frustration than drinking and misbehaving. She sounds like a wee soul.

NonaGrey · 30/08/2018 10:25

Does it sound like the mother gives a shit what her daughter is doing or OP’s house being trashed?

Possibly not, but it’s still it how most adults would behave (if only to get their child out of trouble)

If the OP is giving the full story as she know it, I think that there’s still stuff she hasn’t been told because it’s not really logical.

I’d be off to see the neighbours tbh and find out what really happened.

POPholditdown · 30/08/2018 10:27

Tbf the mother could have been out herself for the evening, or SD could have told her she was stopping at her friends instead, only to have to call her mum in a crisis.

At that age my best friend always did the same as soon as she saw the back of her mum and dad for the night. Most other people in my year too.

Her mum definitely should have taken responsibility afterwards though. You shouldn’t have to chase her for the truth, she should have been waiting with an explanation.

Also, agree with a pp to speak to the neighbours to find out more (and use it as the chance to apologise and explain you weren’t there/aware).

BarbarianMum · 30/08/2018 10:27

Were you on holiday? If so, can I ask why she wasn't with you (trying to get to the bottom of her/her mum's attitude)?

DancingDot · 30/08/2018 10:28

Or change the locks and when she discovers she has to knock on your door to get in she'll get the message

This is a disgusting thing to do to a child - and question would you do it to your own child?

Don't take the keys from her. It would be another message that her Dad's house is not her home and this will only make things worse. Her Dad's house is her home.

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