AIBU to think my 13yo step daughter should apologise to DH and me for having a party while we were on holiday?

[HelenK73]

DSD lives with her mum but spends 3 nights with us a week. We have a 17 month old and went on holiday with my mum but DSD didn't come. She only lives a few doors away from us so as she has keys we asked her to feed the fish and water plants while we were away. My DH was worried about this as he had doubts she could be trusted (she's gone off the rails a bit since starting secondary school) but i thought we should extend the trust and see. So we got a phone call while away to say fish had died. She was really upset so I felt really sorry for her. When we got back. The keys for the house were left in the front door and it became clear something had happened while we were away. There had obviously been a clean up operation but there was still stains on upstairs carpet. Also signs that people had been in our bedroom, mop and broom totally ruined, watering can smashed in, kitchen counter top trim missing, half a bottle of expensive gin drunk and 2 bottles of slow gin, pictures my dd did at nursery trampled on. Tv was on MTV at volume 100 so neighbours must have been disturbed. DSD came round in the morning and admitted to having a few people round, who then invited more people and it all got out of hand. I didn't say anything as wanted to leave it to her dad to deal with. She was due to stay with us that night so DH tried talking to her by asking what happened to the kitchen work top trim. He was met with a really surly response and when he suggested she should look for it in the bin he got a resounding no he could do it himself and he was making her angry. She then stormed out and stayed at her mums. The next day i messaged her mum to say what happened and ask if she could shed any light on what had gone on while we were awau as apparently DSD had asked her to help kick people out. The response was "what do you think happened?" so i told her what i knew and asked if we could chat about it. She replied that DSD had already been punished by being made to clean up and that she was dealing with it and DH could call her when he was ready. So my reply was that i thought DSD should be accountable to us for her actions and that i would still like to talk about it. I said that it was my things that had been trashed or taken so DSD should go some way to making amends for that and showing some remorse. I have yet to receive a response and that was 24 hours ago. So AIBU to expect an apology and to have some interaction about this. DH is scared of pushing DSD away but I think that leaves us open to being treated like doormats. Also I think she should reimburse for things taken and apologise to the neighbours.

There is without fail a gaggle of poster's on each thread involving a step child who will minimise and excuse literally ANY behaviour so long as it relates to a child whose parents have divorced. And then also pathologize every bit of typical teenage behaviour, which is always a result of the 'trauma' of having separated parents. They want all posters to treat step children like precious little snowflakes at all times, never tell them off because it might cause PTSD or damage them emotionally forever-more, and in fact just exist purely to serve the step-child's every wish and demand.

OP, your DSD sounds like a spoilt brat and she clearly knows that she can get away with behaving however she likes because her mother will collude with her and her dad is scared of her/her refusing to see him if he ever tells her off.

She has trashed your house and has had zero repercussions! If she was my daughter, she would be in a world of trouble. Ok, she's not your daughter but this is YOUR house, so you have every right to 'get involved'. Don't allow everybody else involved, DSD and her parents, disrespect and demean you .

I have a 14 year old DS and I would be mortified if he did this. He would be apologising profusely to Dad and Step Mum, they would be encouraged to punish him in anyway they see fit (barring, ya know, giving him a good hiding etc) I would at the very least go halves to replace/fix everything I could out of my own pocket and DS would be paying me back.

The cries of she’s damaged etc - how exactly did you extrapolate that?! The secret parties I had as teens were almost always at the homes of friends who were “normal” and “well behaved”. Sometimes shit just gets out of hand!

Bibidy Drinking to excess is not typical 13 year old behaviour. Op also stated that the SD was "going off the rails" . I am responding to the information the Op has provided. A dad who is afraid to confront his ex or his daughter.... A mum who is uncommunicative and abrasive....A step-mum who makes it clear that her home is not the step-child's home... these are in fact conflict problems and this does not sound like a positive co-parenting relationship. And see above post - yes she need boundaries and yes she should be punished.... but thought should go into a punishment that will not further alienate the child and damage the relationships.

I can't believe you would leave a 13 year old who has just started to go off the rails access to your home when she knew you would be away.

That's so naïve OP.

I'm not in the least bit surprised that she had some friends round and it got out of hand.

In fact things could have been a lot worse.

I think this child needs some loving parenting.

Personally I would say to her that we all make bad decisions during our teenage years. That's normal. But what we have to do is learn from them and try to help to put right any damage that was done. I would make up some story about what I did at that age and how I made up for it so that she can see that she is forgiven but she has to try and change whatever it was that led her to that decision in the first place.

Don't get stuck on the words 'I'm sorry'. She knows she fucked up. There are far more important words to be had here and you can use this opportunity to start to build a better relationship with her.

They want all posters to treat step children like precious little snowflakes at all times, never tell them off because it might cause PTSD or damage them emotionally forever-more, and in fact just exist purely to serve the step-child's every wish and demand.

Hyperbole much.

Actually it's not just step-children...I would love it if every child was treated as precious and unique.

Yy fair. Don't get stuck on sorry.

By the way did anyone apologise to her for making her live in two homes, splitting up her family.. Whose ever fault it was, as pp said... One place being her home the other not...

Yy to the keys. Apologise to her for giving her the keys, she's to young... Say you didn't realise she's not ready for such responsibility yet and that's your fault, as fair said.. Make up some story and be kind and go about it that way.

One more point she didn't choose to have more people round than she thought, these things can get out of hand. She knows that now.

needs bags of love
They act out

She. Wrecked. The. Fucking. House.

Awww, it's ok sweetie, here's baaaaags of love and cuddles, don't you worry about it, no consequences from us or us trying to instill respect for other people's things in you. Love you kiddo!

Theresnodisney you sound bitter. I don't know what your experience has been but I'm sure it would have been better if someone had showed you a little kindness and understanding when you were feeling alone and scared.

From some responses I can see why there are so many entitled little brats around . Pandering Mothers at fault .

OP, I feel for you and the poor fish ..!

She wrecker the house.

And maybe her parents who brought her into this world have totally fucked up her early life.
Honesty who wants to have two homes?

It's not about the house it's about op family bonding and being kind to each other. She already clearly feels ashamed she may have been terrified when it all got out of control I bet she has been living in fear since and I bet her mum throttled her and she has been cleaning up with the fear.

She is 13, I think you are ALL irresponsible for leaving her whilst you go on holiday and shes only going to get worse as clearly her mum and dad are too scared of her to do anything. I understand why you don't think its your place as you don't want to look like the wicked Step Mother but her parents need to ground her until Christmas now not "talk to her".

What was the holiday and was step daughter ivited? If she wasnt and you asked her to water the plants while the rest of you had a family holiday that would be pretty shit and I wonder if she did this as a way to get back at you? Probably had a few friends over and then it just got totally out of hand. I wouldnt expect the ex to clean your home and im not sure why the ex is getting so much blame, this could have happened any time during the day if they are still on Summer holidays while mum is at work. This was the decision you and your partner made so when she is at yours you need to decide what will happen. Sounds like your partner isnt actually parenting his child for fear she wont see him but its pretty much 50/50 on contact here so he needs to be her parent not her friend

Yes, poor little poppet, get her someone nice to chat to and love bomb her.

🙄. Just what we need, an entitled, bratty, rude 13 year old being molly coddled. THAT’S what causes the issues ffs.

Both of you give her a bollocking, take the keys off her, issue an enforceable punishment.

Both of you go and see the ex, find out if she knew DD was having friends around, where she thought she was if not, what she knows about who was there, tell her it’s NOT punishment to clean up her mess and as it is YOUR home and YOUR stuff that has been ruined you two will be deciding on the punishment. Then ask her WTAF SHE didn't tell you it had happened and ask how fucking stupid she thinks you are that you wouldn’t notice.

I’d be FAR more livid with her than DSD, especially after her attitude on the phone.

Oh and tell Captain Spineless that he has a RESPONSIBILTY to ‘deal’ with this appropriately. It is his responsibility to PARENT his DD, not pander to her in case she gets upset with him. He should have gone down to her mother’s house and told DD to get herself back home NOW, she doesn’t get to strop off from yours anymore than a 13 year old living with both her parents. HE needs to wake up & start parenting her because otherwise she’s going to stay off those rails, be a nightmare teen and get herself into all kinds of trouble.

Drinking to excess is not typical 13 year old behaviour
It was a party. She wasn't alone helping herself to drinks so that's hardly excess.

Ok so let's just be clear......I want very much for DSD to consider our house her home. We have lived here 2 years and I found this place when pregnant so that we could be near to her and she could come over whenever she feels like. She has always had keys to her dad's place so that she can pick stuff up if she forgets it and let herself in. Since starting secondary school she has had issues around friendship groups and hasn't had any consistent friendships. She suffered panic attacks and would have to sit many lessons out. She was referred to therapy and her and her mum and dad now go to family counselling. From my pov she has very few boundaries and her parents largely communicate through her. This has always concerned me and i would much rather a situation where we could all communicate effectively about her welfare and ensure openness and transparency. But I'm the only one who seems to think like this. I think part of showing children love is helping them to build strong and resilient characters. Part of that is making sure they are accountable for their actions and accept the consequences of them. But i feel like I'm literally pissing into the wind here. It's her mum i am more angry with than anything. She has a reputation for not apologising in the family and is clearly passing that on to her daughter.

Why do so many posters feel that respecting children, understanding their feelings and treating them with love is all done at the expense of boundaries and punishment.

She's 13 so she should not have been left for that period of time by her own Mum. I wonder if her Mum actually knew about the party to begin with.

Do you think your DSD wanted to go on holiday with you and her Dad and so acted up because of it? Was she invited? She might have been very jealous of your 17 month old for getting to holiday with their Dad unless she chose not to go? Perhaps that's the issue behind all of this? If her mother is also slightly jealous of your situation then that would explain her response.

She is 13, I think you are ALL irresponsible for leaving her whilst you go on holiday
They didn't ALL go though.
She was with her bio mum. She wasn't left alone for a week to fend for herself!!!
Flippin' 'eck

Drinking to excess is not typical 13 year old behaviour
Ahhhh... you've led a sheltered life!
Or you are oblivious to what goes on around you.
Even 37 years ago we'd drink at lot as 13 YOs!
Obviously not all the time. But if there was a party - hell yeah!

This is not typical or normal behaviour for 13 year olds.

I’m not surprised she has panic attacks and other mental health issues.

Yes she has behaved badly but there is a much worse problem here than a loud TV and a broken kitchen counter. Fixing that stuff is easy. Fixing a disturbed child is much harder - and that is what you have here.

Have to agree with Lookatyourwatchnow

Having been a 13 year old girl with divorced parents I find the idea that this sort of behaviour is acceptable, understandable or in some way inevitable beyond bizarre. My parents split up, it didn’t give me the right to be a total fucking nightmare and I wasn’t.

I always wonder if the apologists for horribly behaved DC because they’re from “broken homes” and “traumatised” either know no one who’s divorced and imagine it’s the worst thing ever while piling judgement on the parents, or were themselves horribly behaved and used having separated parents as an excuse.

She wasn't with her bio mum...just her mum

The panic attacks, lack of friendships and substance abuse may have nothing to do with the divorce but they are very definitely warning signs of mental health issues and focusing on a stained carpet is taking the easy way out.

It’s easy to discipline a teenager for soiling a carpet. It’s not easy to help them recover from mental health issues.

Omg I would be furious! She’s wrecked your home and killed your fish! She needs to be severely punished and pay for the damage. Take away her key and don’t trust her unsupervised in your home ever again. I’d also consider a MH assessment given that she’s murdered your pet as soon as your back was turned. That’s very sinister.

Thanks for your advice everyone. The problem i have is that anything we say to her or try to punish her with she can just say no and retreat to her mum's. As her mum clearly isn't onside and is using this as an opportunity to pull her away from us I'm seriously out of ideas. I do know where one of her friends lives that was here and have met her mum a few times so i am considering heading round there to get some answers.