AIBU to think my 13yo step daughter should apologise to DH and me for having a party while we were on holiday?

[HelenK73]

DSD lives with her mum but spends 3 nights with us a week. We have a 17 month old and went on holiday with my mum but DSD didn't come. She only lives a few doors away from us so as she has keys we asked her to feed the fish and water plants while we were away. My DH was worried about this as he had doubts she could be trusted (she's gone off the rails a bit since starting secondary school) but i thought we should extend the trust and see. So we got a phone call while away to say fish had died. She was really upset so I felt really sorry for her. When we got back. The keys for the house were left in the front door and it became clear something had happened while we were away. There had obviously been a clean up operation but there was still stains on upstairs carpet. Also signs that people had been in our bedroom, mop and broom totally ruined, watering can smashed in, kitchen counter top trim missing, half a bottle of expensive gin drunk and 2 bottles of slow gin, pictures my dd did at nursery trampled on. Tv was on MTV at volume 100 so neighbours must have been disturbed. DSD came round in the morning and admitted to having a few people round, who then invited more people and it all got out of hand. I didn't say anything as wanted to leave it to her dad to deal with. She was due to stay with us that night so DH tried talking to her by asking what happened to the kitchen work top trim. He was met with a really surly response and when he suggested she should look for it in the bin he got a resounding no he could do it himself and he was making her angry. She then stormed out and stayed at her mums. The next day i messaged her mum to say what happened and ask if she could shed any light on what had gone on while we were awau as apparently DSD had asked her to help kick people out. The response was "what do you think happened?" so i told her what i knew and asked if we could chat about it. She replied that DSD had already been punished by being made to clean up and that she was dealing with it and DH could call her when he was ready. So my reply was that i thought DSD should be accountable to us for her actions and that i would still like to talk about it. I said that it was my things that had been trashed or taken so DSD should go some way to making amends for that and showing some remorse. I have yet to receive a response and that was 24 hours ago. So AIBU to expect an apology and to have some interaction about this. DH is scared of pushing DSD away but I think that leaves us open to being treated like doormats. Also I think she should reimburse for things taken and apologise to the neighbours.

You need to get your dh to deal as his ex sounds like she’s minimising it.

13? God help you!

What a madam, and yes her mum’s just as bad. Don’t bother getting the key back, just change the barrel and get new keys, I wouldn’t trust her or her freinds to try something next time you’re away.

She replied that DSD had already been punished by being made to clean up
THAT is not a punishment.
That is what should happen as SHE trashed your house.
So what punishment is being put in place here?
Because cleaning up (badly) the mess she made is no punishment at all.
As a PP said, united front from the 3 of you.
You need to all sit down and discuss what happens next.
You ALL need to follow through on a proper punishment!

Your dh needs to talk to the mum about what she's done regarding discipline. It may be that they've already apologised to neighbours etc. Your dh needs to discuss it with his dd. You should pull back and expect dh to deal.

The responses on this thread are really upsetting and probably an indication of why children of separated parents have higher instances of mental health problems, poor school results etc. It isn't the separation itself that causes these issues but the conflict around separation. Please OP - don't take this personally and don't respond as though an adult has done this to you. She is not a "madam", she is a child who is responding to her situation with the shitty tools that she has to respond it - she needs better tools and bags of love.

Get those keys back pronto! 13 - god help you when she's 15/16, I would be livid!

Keys back, if she moans just say you’ve proved that you can’t be trusted, when your an adult and have children and they do this to your home how would you feel?

When you have taken responsibility for you actions and are truly sorry, then maybe just maybe we’ll talk about giving you the keys back.

I think unfortunately she can’t be trusted at the moment, so it is possibly best she doesn’t have your house keys just in case you go away again.

don't know how you expect 13yo to reimburse things. She doesn't have her own income. Do some extra chores maybe?

Next time listen to your dh when he says he has doubts that she can be trusted, it turns out he was spot on.

I am surprised you called her mother, that should have been your dh, and from now don't get involved. Let him deal with it all.

However it is your home, and this is totally and utterly unacceptable, she was clearly not being supervised properly either, or her mother was complicit about the party and did absolutely nothing to stop your house getting trashed (which is so vindictive) This for me, would have serious implications. You can not trust the child again, but you most certainly can not trust her mother either if she left your keys in the door, and left your house in a mess.

Your dh needs to demand an apology from his dd, a punishment needs to be decided on (not by her mother) but by you and dh and she needs to earn the trust back.

I am not surprised you are livid. I would be too.

Get the kid some therapy for a start. She sounds really messed up. She's drinking large amounts, out of control and her mother doesn't sound like she gives a shit.

also take the keys for sure. Extremely naïve on your and dad's part to leave 13yo the keys while on holiday.

You should pull back and expect dh to deal.

Why? It's the OP's home too.

she answered questions in a surly fashion, and stormed out.

To me, this could be distress, embarrassment, mortification, and simply not knowing what to say.

I would suggest softly, softly.

No anger,

something really bad happened, and it was mostly out of her control.

I would suggest that you tell her you realise things got out of control, you sympathise, you are not angry, but you do want a full account of what happened, and a discussion with her about where things went wrong, and what she could do to help put things right

Get the kid some therapy for a start. She sounds really messed up.
She had a party without permission, helped herself to adult drinks - that's bad behaviour, but nothing "messed up" about it. Such ordinary teenage behaviour.

she is a child who is responding to her situation with the shitty tools that she has to respond it - she needs better tools and bags of love
Jeeeezzzz... this is why kids are so fucking entitled these days.
She already has 3 adults who love her unconditionally.
But there has to be consequences to her for her actions.
She'll just get more out of control if you don't put boundaries in place now.

YANBU.

I can't believe her mother thinks that cleaning up HER OWN MESS is punishment. It's not. That's just basic courtesy.

She owes you both a grovelling apology and should be helping replace things that were lost, broken or stolen. She can wash cars and mow lawns to earn some money to help if necessary.

And no more keys to the house for her.

Her mother is setting a poor example, though, so you probably won't get far with this sadly.

Pop round to one of your neighbours and see if they can shed some light on it?

And take her key back. She needs to earn your trust again.

dancingdot

Spot on.

I think people expect dc to bear so much these days.

They get shat on, lives, families split have to put up with living in two houses??!

I'm 40 I couldn't live in two bloody houses, split their lives thier time, different house rules, parents... One dp perhaps still suffering from a the spilt... They act out then get a ton of bricks in them.

No wonder kids these days are more depressed than ever

She isn't messed up, she is just being a teenage brat. One whose DM (in this instance as her DF was away) has not laid down boundaries of what is acceptable and its minimising what her DD has done.

Both your DSD's DM and DF need to sit down with her and give her a clear, shared message about what is acceptable and what she needs to do to repair the situation in terms of apologies and some sort of punishment. She also cannot be allowed keys to your home or be allowed to be left alone at home. She needs to earn your trust back.

The responses on this thread are really upsetting and probably an indication of why children of separated parents have higher instances of mental health problems, poor school results etc. It isn't the separation itself that causes these issues but the conflict around separation. Please OP - don't take this personally and don't respond as though an adult has done this to you. She is not a "madam", she is a child who is responding to her situation with the shitty tools that she has to respond it - she needs better tools and bags of love.

I don't agree with this at all. Just because children have separated parents doesn't mean they get a free pass to behave as they please. The fact that OP and her DH live just down the road from SD's mum and OP felt comfortable to text her mum shows that they have a decent co-parenting relationship, not a high conflict situation.

SD should receive the same punishment that OP's own DD would receive if she did something like this when she's older. She's being a typical teenager and should be treated as such.

My dd is 13 and I have to be completely direct with you, something is going very badly wrong for this child to be drinking and having parties at her age without your consent. It seems to me that she lacks boundaries and any consequences to her actions. If this is left to continue the house parties will be the least of your problems in a few years.

Your dh and his ex need to start working together and quickly. Is your dh too busy playing the nice guy to really have the balls to be firm with her? Or are they nursing guilt over their divorce, mother distracted/busy.

A recipe either way for a proper disaster in the not to distant future.

Did you offer to take her with you on holiday OP? Could she have some resentment over not being included?

Jeeeezzzz... this is why kids are so fucking entitled these days.
She already has 3 adults who love her unconditionally.
But there has to be consequences to her for her actions.

No one is suggesting that she isn't punished or that boundaries are not put in place. I would take that as a given. But the way these punishments are administered will determine whether they are effective in the long term or not. Removing a child's keys to their home is a very clear message to a child who is already feeling excluded ( and the OPS very clear statements about it NOT being SD'd home indicate this is likely) that she is right in feeling excluded and her behaviour will reflect this rejection.

I would also add that some children 'capitalise' on their parents guilt and use it to their advantage. Not all children are broken and damaged by divorce. It is not universal.

sShe definitely needs to be held accountable for her complete disregard of your home and personal items. She needs to know that this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

That said, how can you know for certain that a small gathering of friends to show-off quickly escalated beyond her control where older/wilder children and teenagers weren't invited by others (isn't social media wonderful)?

With drink involved, she may well have been on the receiving end of any sort of deviant behaviour. At 13, she is keen to impress and with alcohol involved, who knows what could have happened to her.

Since her Mother sounds like she won't co-operate, I'd talk to DSD myself if I were you and tell her that while she is very clearly out of order and has behaved badly, tell her that you are worried about her and concerned that something may have happened beyond her control. Be there for her. This doesn't mean being a doormat, because you can still be firm about how badly she's behaved - she made a poor choice and is now running away from the consequences, and God knows, those consequences could be more damaging and life-changing than you realise.

You can do this. I know you've been hurt and let down, but she's a foolish teenager. We've all been there to various degrees.