AIBU to think my 13yo step daughter should apologise to DH and me for having a party while we were on holiday?

[HelenK73]

DSD lives with her mum but spends 3 nights with us a week. We have a 17 month old and went on holiday with my mum but DSD didn't come. She only lives a few doors away from us so as she has keys we asked her to feed the fish and water plants while we were away. My DH was worried about this as he had doubts she could be trusted (she's gone off the rails a bit since starting secondary school) but i thought we should extend the trust and see. So we got a phone call while away to say fish had died. She was really upset so I felt really sorry for her. When we got back. The keys for the house were left in the front door and it became clear something had happened while we were away. There had obviously been a clean up operation but there was still stains on upstairs carpet. Also signs that people had been in our bedroom, mop and broom totally ruined, watering can smashed in, kitchen counter top trim missing, half a bottle of expensive gin drunk and 2 bottles of slow gin, pictures my dd did at nursery trampled on. Tv was on MTV at volume 100 so neighbours must have been disturbed. DSD came round in the morning and admitted to having a few people round, who then invited more people and it all got out of hand. I didn't say anything as wanted to leave it to her dad to deal with. She was due to stay with us that night so DH tried talking to her by asking what happened to the kitchen work top trim. He was met with a really surly response and when he suggested she should look for it in the bin he got a resounding no he could do it himself and he was making her angry. She then stormed out and stayed at her mums. The next day i messaged her mum to say what happened and ask if she could shed any light on what had gone on while we were awau as apparently DSD had asked her to help kick people out. The response was "what do you think happened?" so i told her what i knew and asked if we could chat about it. She replied that DSD had already been punished by being made to clean up and that she was dealing with it and DH could call her when he was ready. So my reply was that i thought DSD should be accountable to us for her actions and that i would still like to talk about it. I said that it was my things that had been trashed or taken so DSD should go some way to making amends for that and showing some remorse. I have yet to receive a response and that was 24 hours ago. So AIBU to expect an apology and to have some interaction about this. DH is scared of pushing DSD away but I think that leaves us open to being treated like doormats. Also I think she should reimburse for things taken and apologise to the neighbours.

YADNBU.

What a little madam! You and DH are entitled to answers and an apology from her. DH needs to step up and speak to her - ranting and raving at her won’t help but her behaviour needs addressing. It could be that she needs support as you said she’s been going off the rails leading up to this. Her mother is probably embarrassed as it technically happened “on her watch” but it would help if the three of you could present as a team?

If I were you then the locks would be changed and she would not be getting a key. I have two DSDs (here 3 nights a week) and neither of them have a key for the house (nor likely to) as the trust isn’t there.

You have my sympathy. As a fellow stepmother it’s hard to get the balance right. Feels sometimes like we’re damned whatever we do! Your intentions were good by putting trust in her and she’s thrown that back in your face.

Best of luck OP. x

""Yes I think it’s fine for a parent not to see a child if the child is a nightmare who damages the home and causes problems.""

Well you are very wrong.

""And how to foster a sense of RESPONSIBILITY and RESPECT towards everyone around her""

The DH needs to start that by leading by example. He needs to speak directly to her Mother. Admit that he has been wrong to put a child in the middle of contact arrangements and say sorry for that. It needs to be a new start.

He can start by opening his mouth at the next family meeting.

OP, how long has it gone on for, the not speaking to her Mum? Most children in these circumstances end up with a level of anxiety.

I would suggest inviting her over, give her a hug and ask her calmly to talk you through what happened

I would suggest telling the little madam off, getting your key back and find out what happened to the poor fish
Regarding the holiday - maybe she didn't want to go?

""Her mother is probably embarrassed as it technically happened “on her watch” ""

OP, did you ask her Mother her opinion on giving her 13 year old the keys to your house? Would you have taken any notice if she objected? What would have been your DH's reaction had she of confiscated them? Technically you went on holiday and left the Mother the responsibility for your house.

My cousin did this at a similar age, I think she was 14. Her mum went on holiday and left her and her 16 year old sister alone. The 16 year old was always far more sensible (still is a decade later) and had left 14 year old at home for the evening while she went to a friends house. 14 yo invited a few friends round, one of them put it on FB and before they knew it the house was filled with strangers. I know similar has happened and made it in the papers. When 16yo returned home she phoned my Uncle and he flew around to kick everyone out. 14 yo was made to clean the whole house (as your DSD was) and was grounded for months.

I would say it is quite normal teenager behaviour actually, they aren’t the most caring and thoughtful of people. She likely did similar to my cousin, invited a handful of friends around but word got out and it got out of hand. Sounds like she panicked and rushed round to her mum who helped her clear the mess up.

Why didn’t she go on holiday with you? That was my first thought.

Yes, it's possible that the DSD didn't want to go on the holiday. But it's telling that the OP won't answer the question.

This is an absolute joke, it'll only get worse, sounds like the mother and daughter are cut from the same cloth

Did I miss where you explained it was a good idea to move in a few doors away from your partners ex?

This has absolutely nothing to do with her being 'damaged' by a separation/divorce. This is not an all out excuse for any kind of teenage behaviour.

I did this to my parents when I was 14 (I think!) Had a house party when they went out one night, went wrong etc etc. Yes they removed my keys, couldn't stay home alone again for a while as I had obviously lost their trust.

God, some of the posters on this thread are hilarious.

Remember the old joke?

"You must excuse little Johnny's behavior--after all, he comes from a broken home!"

"Yes, well, little Johnny could pretty much break any home...."

She sounds like a right piece of work. And I'd be contacting TPTB about the mother's failure to safeguard her daughter.

Looking at from a child's point of view:

Her father buggers off on holiday without a thought for her, with his new family leaving her behind to look after his fish and plants (what a cheek one might think)

Her mother cares very little what she is doing

Her stepmother has made it clear it is 'her' home and not a family home so she finds herself like a tennis ball going back and forth

No one appears to be looking after for her and her needs, of which knowing any normal 13 year there will be plenty of issues she will be dealing with

She regularly finds herself in a situation she can not control because there aren't any boundaries to keep her safe. She finds it scary to be in this position but is at a loss as to how to stop it

There is a risk at some point this child will start to look for love and care elsewhere, boundaries and safety in someone else. That someone else might very well be very unpalatable.

You dont have a dsd problem you have a a rubbish mum problem.

Your sd mum sounds as useful as a chocolate teapot. I bet my last silver dollar she would be punishing her daughter if she trashed her home.

You are getting a hard time on here simply because you are a step mum. The 13 should be punished no treats no pocket money from you no key and she has to earn back your trust. (I have personal experience with this my oldest dd did something simular the punishment i gave meant she never dud it again but i was a bit harsh i did take savings off her to replace her younger siblings stuff that was broken in the party (2 years of birthday and chirstmas money) but it only covered 3/4 of the cost.

It is normal teen aged behaviour punishments are needed she needs to learn boundaries and respects other peoples stuff.

She is 13, I think you are ALL irresponsible for leaving her whilst you go on holiday

Eh? She was with her Mum!!

Not exactly the point here but if the keys were left in your door (for goodness only knows how long), I would be getting the locks changed. Goodness only knows who might have taken them and had copies made.

Btw how did the fish die? Do you know?

The damage done is shocking. Dead fish . Regardless of who killed those fish in whatever way, it is on her. A normal person would feel guilty and sick over family pets dying. The damage isn’t just drinks spilled and stuff knocked over, they actually ripped the fabric of the home apart!

I don’t know how you solve this with your dsd as she is totally off the rails, but you need to secure your home by changing the locks and also check your baby’s room to make sure nothing danegrous has been dropped in there, like a pill or something. I would be so upset and angry about this invasion. It’s like a burglary.

Your dsd needs some serious help.

This is a disgusting thing to do to a child - and question would you do it to your own child?

If any of my kids abuse their key privileges then damned right they lose them. What a strange way to think when someone has trashed your house... Disgusting indeed

Reading this thread I'm starting to understand why kids are so fucked up these days. No consequences, just a pay in the head and a sit down cuddle.

*pat

Reading this thread I'm starting to understand why kids are so fucked up these days
Me too gamer it's fucking frightening!

Agree with gamer more entitled, mollycoddled spoilt little shits who tantrum liked toddlers, shit all over people and swan around with no consequences.

Exactly what the world need more of

Worried mum why are you calling mum rubbish when dad has 50/50 care? Should he not be carrying some responsibility for this child’s behaviour?

You’re stuck aren’t you. Her mum is letting her play you. Tbh I’d go to the friends house. You need some answers and having her see that you will not be cowed by her mum excusing her is probably worthwhile.

because everyone on here is only berating the Dad in this case and the mum has basically said she has been punished enough for trashing the house aka she cleans up her own mess. So no back up there.

How is that not a mum problem? She was meant to be looking after her child when she did all this how is that not the mums problem? If the 13 year old had burnt down the house and died under her mums watch would you say it was the Dads fault?

Remberer the dad was on holiday so she was meant to be supervised by the mum? unless you think the dad should never go on holiday with his family.

This all happened when she was meant to be looked after by the mum....

I'm also wondering why you've moved only a few doors away. Is someone trying to rub your relationship in the mum's nose I wonder?

She doesn't need to be punished. That isn't going to help you or her. It's pointless.

No wonder so many kids are little shits if parents think they don’t need to be punished for an incident of this magnitude.

She is a 13 year-old child, for whom events got out of hand (for the want of a nail analogy) and she needs the adults to help her put it back together again and help her learn from it (starting with the parts that social media and alcohol played in this mess).

She will not have intended that the fish (that she was clearly fond enough of to be bothered with feeding it) should die or that the house was trashed. In her head, the people that turned up to the party did that, not her, so no wonder she is surly about the kitchen worktop - it's highly unlikely she physically broke it herself. She is probably also confused that you are more fussed about the work top than the fish.

She needs a consequence for her part in this - removal of social media would be a natural consequence, as well as helping to clean up properly. It will feel unfair to her as the people who trashed the house have got away with it, but what happened is also unfair on the rest of the family. Possibly some of her belongings were also damaged (assuming she has any in a house that is clearly not her home).

Going forward, she needs to be parented with boundaries put in place, not treated like another adult passing on messages and having the run of the house. Take the keys off her - it's too much responsibility.

If you were going on holiday, why didn’t she go with you?