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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends crashing family holiday

134 replies

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 08:57

Every year my family and I go for winter sun in the October half term. We often do big group holidays with friends and family during the summer holidays, but this week has historically been just the four of us. We go to the same place where we have favourite restaurants and beaches and kind of always do the same things. We've been going since our children were little and they're now both secondary school age so it's nice that they still want to do it and the place is full of childhood memories etc. It may well be the last time we ever go as a family. Anyway, a friend of ours contacted my husband a few weeks back to ask where exactly we went for our winter sun. So my husband told him and sent him a link to our hotel. He replied by saying, looks great, mind if we crash it? My husband wrote back and said, give me a call, it's a great place but I'm not convinced it's entirely your cup of tea. A day later he got a reply from his friend saying he'd booked it. Now firstly AIBU in being really upset that they're coming on our holiday without really checking it was OK with us? They're nice people but there's no chemistry between their children and ours. And, selfishly, I just really, really like having this holiday as a 'just us' holiday!!! And regardless of whether or not AIBU, WWYD? It's too late to say they can't come (and I wouldn't anyway, that would be appallingly awkward and rude) but is there any way of managing the situation so that we can still do lots of stuff on our own? Without being rude or having to have a Difficult Conversation?

OP posts:

Legageddon · 30/08/2018 09:00

You cant stop them given it’s a hotel in a place and you own neither!

Hey haven’t said they plan to expect you have meals together etc so just be polite and say hi and the odd chat and just have your holiday as normal. Decline invites to eat with them or have day trips together but tbh they may well have no desire to spend time with you either!

I think you are being a bit dramatic tbh.

AJPTaylor · 30/08/2018 09:01

Have you booked? If not, dont. Just go somewhere else.
If you have and cant get out of it without losing money can you tell them straight?
How big is the resort?

Ohyesiam · 30/08/2018 09:02

I’d have a conversation, but I wouldn’t make it difficult. Pick a time a few days in to meet up, so say let’s have dinner together on Tuesday night . They will know that the rest of the time you want to be off on your own, unless they are really socially out on a limb.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 30/08/2018 09:05

Tell them you have plans for x days but free x day.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/08/2018 09:05

Oh I don't think you're being dramatic, I'd feel the same. I'm guessing there's only one week of Oct half term so you can't change week?

Maybe just be really honest? Tell them it's probably your last family holiday there so you'll be spending 90% of the time just the four of you, but a day or two skiing together and a couple of dinners would be nice. Be brave!

serbska · 30/08/2018 09:05

You don#'t have to hang out with them! Just tell them you were planning on having a low key holiday and probably aren't going to be up for doing anything as a two family group.

strawberrypenguin · 30/08/2018 09:07

I'd tell them it's your 'family' holiday so although you hope they have a great time you won't be able to meet up with them.

PositiveVibez · 30/08/2018 09:08

Tell them you have plans for x days but free x day

Only do this if they contact you to ask if they can hang out with you. Don't 'get in there' first.

They may have just heard you saying how much you love it there and think it must be great if you have been going there for years.

Mojitomogul · 30/08/2018 09:08

Ignore their messages when you're out there, if they question it just say you have phone free days as this is your week with family. Or during the week just say we're free this particular night, let's all go for dinner, and just keep it at that, if they try to make plans with you - 'we'll let you know, we aren't sure what we're doing yet'. Or just send a message before the holiday 'dh says you've booked same place to holiday! Its such a lovely place you will all have a great time. We love to have chilled family time whilst there but maybe we can do dinner/drinks one night?' Bit passive aggressive, but gets the point across. yanbu i would feel the same!

WilburIsSomePig · 30/08/2018 09:09

Don't be silly OP. You can't tell someone not to go on holiday in a place you like. If there's not 'chemistry' between your kids then it's unlikely they'll want to spend every moment with you. I would assume that the 'do you mind if we crash' comment was just the hotel etc and not your actual time and holiday.

If you're not sure this is the case then perhaps the next time you see them you could say, 'oh we must meet for lunch some time while we're there' or similar to make it clear that you will not be spending every moment with them. Don't make it something that it's not.

makesummerlonger · 30/08/2018 09:09

It's a tricky one.

I'd feel the same as you but really there's nothing you can do. When you next see them explain that it's the week that you can family bonding time but maybe you could have dinner one night.

We have some lovely friends who are always suggesting we holiday together, I'm quite forthright about how we have busy lives and it's the time of year that we regroup as a family.

Original poster

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 09:17

AJPTaylor It's a medium sized resort, probably 200/300 rooms, one big pool. It would look very odd though I think to show them the hotel where we always stay then go off and stay somewhere else. These are people I like so I don't want to fall out with them or cause irreparable damage to our friendship.

OP posts:

DarklyDreamingDexter · 30/08/2018 09:17

They are not "coming on your holiday!" They have booked to stay at the same place, that's all. If you don't want to see them or meet up with them, just don't, simple as that. Say a polite 'hello' if you happen to bump into them, but resist any requests to meet up. Just say 'thanks, but no as this is our family time.'

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/08/2018 09:23

God how awkward. I don't know how you can not see them whilst you're out there. Are their kids similar ages?

SpottingTheZebras · 30/08/2018 09:24

Because you don’t to fall out with them, I think you have no choice other than to be friendly and polite when at the hotel but tell them you have other plans for all of evenings and days out that have already been booked. However, in the meantime, I would just assume that they don’t plan on doing anything other than being at the same hotel as you (even if you know that not to be true) and plan all kinds of things for just you and your family.

Whilst you can’t stop them going or where they go, I can appreciate your annoyance at feeling your holiday will be spoilt. I hope you are able to enjoy it still.

Original poster

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 09:25

To clarify, these are not acquaintances, they're people I've known for twenty years, my husband has known his friend for forty years, we've holidayed with them before. They're not people we can just 'pass by' in the lobby of our hotel and virtually ignore. We are known as being a very sociable family and I think they may be expecting to hang out a fair amount. But maybe I'm wrong. Mojitomogul: that's kind of the approach I was thinking of taking, rather than leaving it to chance. Get something out there before the holiday that is polite but leaves us the freedom to do our own thing without feeling guilty.

OP posts:

NonaGrey · 30/08/2018 09:26

Just tell them nicely that this holiday is for family time and that you won’t be socialising.

Original poster

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 09:26

BigSandyBalls Yes, similar ages but different genders. Which makes it awkward at their ages!

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/08/2018 09:29

What a tricky situation.... You need to really nail home your expectations re meeting... They may well be expecting to spend every day/evening with you...

I'd go with saying something in advance...

It gives you something to refer tobif they aoorscih you expectantly on holiday ... '' As we said in August when you booked, we need to just have family time, so our offer of meeting on Wednesday lunch and Saturday dinner still stands''.

WilburIsSomePig · 30/08/2018 09:29

OP, you're also making a bit of an assumption that these people want to spend all their time with you, they may not.

To be honest, if they do, you have a choice either to go with it (which I wouldn't like either tbh) or tell them straight that you want the time with just your family which they will a) either understand or b) be offended by and it'll damage your friendship.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2018 09:30

Unless they're proper limpets, I think you can probably get away without having to see them much on the holiday.
I agree it's a bit off but your DH shouldn't have given them all the details if he didn't want to risk them turning up - it's quite obvious that they wouldn't have asked for nothing! Also, they don't exactly need to "ask if it's ok with you" - it's not like you'll be sharing a 4 bed house with them.

Plan your holiday and just don't tell them what you do each day - you'll probably end up seeing them at breakfast once or twice, and you might have to change your timings if you feel the need to avoid them, but I think it will work out ok in the end, if a bit annoying.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/08/2018 09:31

They did ask, your husband said yes (by volunteering the link so readily and by not caveating his response, or saying 'no').

If your DH values the family holiday aspect as much as you do, he shouldn't have passed on the details so willingly and without caveat. He needed to say 'oh we go to x place but it's very much a family getaway for us.' Or 'We love it as a place to unwind with the family' etc. Then when the 'can we crash' question' came up, it would have been easy and obvious for him to say no.

Are these friends you usually go away with in summer? If so, it can be explained to them as that's the group holiday, this is family.

If they are not and, as you say, your kids don't gel, then it's probably going to be easy to avoid them and say 'ha ha, you're welcome to 'crash' the resort of course, we don't own the hotel! We're be off doing our family thing now, maybe see you later'.

What I read here is that your husband's lack of social skills has placed you in a tricky 'cleaning up after him' position. If you possibly can, don't take on the clean-up job. Tell him firmly what needs to be said and let him deal with his own mess.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 30/08/2018 09:31

My BIL did this last year to someone he works with. The poor man's wife was expecting a lovely cruise with nobody she knew and none of the stresses of home. What she got was BIL, his awful wife and another couple of people from her husband's workplace who also tagged along and wanted to do everything as a group.

This year, they said they weren't going away and went on holiday without telling anyone at all.

I honestly don't know what the answer is, but I really feel for you.

makingmammaries · 30/08/2018 09:32

Your DH gave the link to the actual hotel, instead of just vaguely mentioning the destination. That probably did signal to the other family that it was OK to go there.

However, if they are normal people, they’ll want some family time too. I am sure this situation can be managed, OP.

BG2015 · 30/08/2018 09:33

Do you tend to have days by the pool? Will they come and sit right by you do you think?

It's an awkward one.

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