Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends crashing family holiday

134 replies

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 08:57

Every year my family and I go for winter sun in the October half term. We often do big group holidays with friends and family during the summer holidays, but this week has historically been just the four of us. We go to the same place where we have favourite restaurants and beaches and kind of always do the same things. We've been going since our children were little and they're now both secondary school age so it's nice that they still want to do it and the place is full of childhood memories etc. It may well be the last time we ever go as a family. Anyway, a friend of ours contacted my husband a few weeks back to ask where exactly we went for our winter sun. So my husband told him and sent him a link to our hotel. He replied by saying, looks great, mind if we crash it? My husband wrote back and said, give me a call, it's a great place but I'm not convinced it's entirely your cup of tea. A day later he got a reply from his friend saying he'd booked it. Now firstly AIBU in being really upset that they're coming on our holiday without really checking it was OK with us? They're nice people but there's no chemistry between their children and ours. And, selfishly, I just really, really like having this holiday as a 'just us' holiday!!! And regardless of whether or not AIBU, WWYD? It's too late to say they can't come (and I wouldn't anyway, that would be appallingly awkward and rude) but is there any way of managing the situation so that we can still do lots of stuff on our own? Without being rude or having to have a Difficult Conversation?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 30/08/2018 10:13

I suppose another angle is whether weathering this gracefully, while getting away / sticking boringly to your book as much as possible while there, might give you excellent bargaining power with your DH for another time?

ErictheGuineaPig · 30/08/2018 10:14

Perhaps a message to say 'we will have to hang out one day /go for dinner one evening' would be a diplomatic way of handling it. Sets out expectations without being rude.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:14

Rebecca3, HesterMacaulay is correct. These aren't acquaintances. They're old friends we've socialised and holidayed with for years, since before DC. They're really nice, a big part of our lives, we can't just say 'hi' and wander off. It would be totally bizarre!

OP posts:
expatinspain · 30/08/2018 10:19

I think in the same situation I wouldn't say anything. I'd arrange some family meals and a day or two out and say 'we just want to have a bit of one on time with the girls, see you for a drink later?' Or something like that. When you've been friends for that long, it's not worth losing a friendship over.

Uncreative · 30/08/2018 10:19

I think you should be proactive in managing expectations. Say something about ‘we have lots of family time planned but would love to meet up at least once (or twice/whatever) for dinner. Does Tuesday work for you’? That is a subtle way of saying saying that you don’t expect to be in each others’ pockets.

Maybe you could also. Blame the kids? If they want to do something together, just say ‘oh, you know what kids are like at this age. DC is in an antisocial phase so it is not a good idea to join you for whatever/whenever. But thanks for the invite’!

RabbitsAreTasty · 30/08/2018 10:19

Whar were they like when you went on holiday with them before? Do they like their own space too? How much? Do they dislike any particular holiday activities that your love or vice versa?

nononsene · 30/08/2018 10:21

I think this is really dependent on your friendship. You either have to suck up the holiday not being what you want for the sake of the friendship or lose the friendship for the sake of the holiday.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:23

Good questions, Rabbits: We've never done a dual holiday with them, but bigger group holidays and they are historically much earlier risers than us (though that was when their DCs were smaller) and much more into doing outdoorsy things. They may well want to go off surfing or something while we laze away days by the pool, but I don't really know how active their kids still are these days now they're teens. It's been a while since we went away with them.

OP posts:
llangennith · 30/08/2018 10:25

Book a different hotel and say your DH made a mistake.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:26

Thank you sleeepsoon7, that's lovely to hear Smile

OP posts:
BelleJour · 30/08/2018 10:26

I would do what Eric said. Send them a message beforehand that makes it politely clear that you don't want them have much to do with them.

Perhaps you need to think through god you're going to approach different scenarios too.

What will you do if you're having a pool day and they're already there when you arrive?

LillianGish · 30/08/2018 10:27

Short of going on holiday somewhere else - I’m assuming you’ve already booked - I’m not sure there’s a lot you can do. The time to stall or divert them was when they contacted your DH - he sent them a link to your hotel (what was he thinking of??) which was practically an invitation. If you are staying in the same hotel and you spend the holiday hanging out and eating there then you can hardly spend the week avoiding them and if you try to do so it’s going to be very uncomfortable as someone will have to be permanently on look-out duty. In your situation, as you say these are friends long-standing who you like who you would go on holiday with in other circumstances, I think you may just have to bite the bullet. Can you recommend lots of trips to them to places you've already been so they go out for lots of long days then you could have dinner together in the evening? Otherwise you could arrange lots of trips yourself, but if what you live about the holiday is that you hang out round the pool then that rather defeats the object. You at least know the resort and the set up so are well placed to organise some tactical avoidance and the fact that your dds already know it well means they can go off on their own though I realise this defeats the object of your last family holiday together. I would be furious if my DH had done this.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:27

Uncreative: blaming the kids would work ~ and also be entirely true!

OP posts:
LillianGish · 30/08/2018 10:33

They may well want to go off surfing or something while we laze away days by the pool, but I don't really know how active their kids still are these days now they're teens. Avoid at all costs a scenario where they go surfing and their kids hang out round the pool with you.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:33

Thank you, LillianGish. You seem to absolutely get it! I was very kind to my husband about this. And TBF the friend didn't mention October specifically in his initial salvo; he might equally have been asking for a Christmas break (it was him who used the words 'winter sun' and he didn't say 'half term'). But I still wouldn't have sent the link. I'd have been very cagey and on my guard, JUST IN CASE! I think recommending places for them to go is a good tactic.

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/08/2018 10:36

Don't blame you for being annoyed, OP, but all you can do now is be politely firm about your own family time - and make sure your dh is the same, and is not going to cave in out of 'niceness'! (As my dh probably would in same circs.
But you never know, maybe they'll just prefer to be doing their own thing, too. Maybe the bloke's wife is similarly aghast at the thought of being pressured into 'chumming up' with another family.

longwayoff · 30/08/2018 10:37

Work colleague got married, lovely person, everyone pleased for her etc. Said they were off to France for honeymoon, lovely peaceful small place called X, you probably wont have heard of it. True, none of us had. Happy couple arrive at honeymoon hotel to be greeted by - our boss. Who had booked himself in for a week. Who does that? Apparently he was a bit miffed by his cool reception and thought they'd be pleased to see him.

ElspethFlashman · 30/08/2018 10:38

It sounds like it's the area you go back to, rather than the specific hotel? How traumatic would it be for you to change hotels?

After all, I don't know if your DH ever confirmed that he had actually booked it at the time of this conversation?

If you never confirmed it, then change hotels and LIE. Say "Oh boo hoo, we couldn't get the suite we usually get and were so upset we decided to get a similar sized suite at x Hotel instead as we all had really got used to the extra room"

Or some such bollocks. If you're in a different hotel they'll never see the inside of your room anyway to see if it's true. You could be in a box room and still spin that tale.

I'm guessing you have teen girls and the other kids are teen boys? Hence swimsuit embarrassment? I'd change hotels if poss. You want them to be relaxed. They'll be long enough in their lives under pressure to look perfect poolside without it starting now. Hmm

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:38

Longwayoff [shocked] [shocked] [shocked]

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 30/08/2018 10:39

If only your DH had said something along the lines of “the name of the hotel escapes me for the moment, it’s my wife that always books it, I’ll ask her and get back to you”. Agree about recommending places for them to go.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:39

Er ... Shock Shock Shock obvs

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 30/08/2018 10:41

Sounds very tricky. You don't want to ruin your friendship but at the same time you don't want to ruin your holiday. You may just have to adjust your expectations regarding this holiday given they are coming and you can't change that. I am sure you will manage to get some quality time as a family. I agree about letting them know about the good things to do and see in the area but also point out you have done them all and hope they will enjoy them as a family.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:42

ElspethFlashman: Spot on about swimsuit embarrassment. Hard to explain to a middle aged man with no experience of being a teenage girl ... And actually, it's the most expensive hotel in this particular place (this particular place not being particularly well endowed with expensive hotels) and we could easily say we can't afford to stay in posh place now so are relocating to save money ...

OP posts:
deepsea · 30/08/2018 10:42

There is no easy way of escaping them once you are there, you WILL be stuck with them for the entire week.

I would consider changing the hotel at the last minute and would go elsewhere. I could not bear for my one family holiday to be crashed like this, and no it is not unreasonable at all to want to spend time together as a family.

Your dh was a bit of knob for sending the link, it was obvious what they were planning to do (unless your dh secretly wants them there)

BelleJour · 30/08/2018 10:43

So did you husband's friend not give him a call then to discuss it not being their cup of tea?

I'm just wondering if you can tell them stuff about about the place that really makes them think they'll hate it. If they were in a different hotel in the same resort, would that be a little less painful?

I really feel for you!