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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends crashing family holiday

134 replies

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 08:57

Every year my family and I go for winter sun in the October half term. We often do big group holidays with friends and family during the summer holidays, but this week has historically been just the four of us. We go to the same place where we have favourite restaurants and beaches and kind of always do the same things. We've been going since our children were little and they're now both secondary school age so it's nice that they still want to do it and the place is full of childhood memories etc. It may well be the last time we ever go as a family. Anyway, a friend of ours contacted my husband a few weeks back to ask where exactly we went for our winter sun. So my husband told him and sent him a link to our hotel. He replied by saying, looks great, mind if we crash it? My husband wrote back and said, give me a call, it's a great place but I'm not convinced it's entirely your cup of tea. A day later he got a reply from his friend saying he'd booked it. Now firstly AIBU in being really upset that they're coming on our holiday without really checking it was OK with us? They're nice people but there's no chemistry between their children and ours. And, selfishly, I just really, really like having this holiday as a 'just us' holiday!!! And regardless of whether or not AIBU, WWYD? It's too late to say they can't come (and I wouldn't anyway, that would be appallingly awkward and rude) but is there any way of managing the situation so that we can still do lots of stuff on our own? Without being rude or having to have a Difficult Conversation?

OP posts:

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 30/08/2018 10:46

If they are that good friends surely you can say something to the effect of: I’m so embarrassed, dh made it sound like we were happy to have a joint holiday but I was really looking forward to being totally lazy. You won’t be offended if we don’t do stuff together all the time will you? Also the girls want to do...(things clearly don’t want random boys involved it).

It wasn’t clear how well you knew them at first but you should be able to talk/laugh this one through with them.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 30/08/2018 10:47

Honestly I think the best thing to do is be totally upfront now. You say they’re good friends, so your friendship should be able to withstand an awkward conversation.

I’d give her a call and say that you feel awful but you’ve been quite taken aback by this and that you’d just like to manage expectations about how much time your families might be spending together. You could specifically mention that your teens are quite worried about it and so you think it might be best to establish some ground rules to keep everyone happy.

I had a similar situation once where I’d booked a special girly holiday with two very close friends, and then another much more casual friend (who none of us knew very well) got wind of it and just announced that she was coming too. We had to have a very awkward chat where we explained that we’d been planning a catch-up for just the three of us, and while we’d be delighted to see her some of the time we wouldn’t be able to include her in all our plans. We honestly felt like the biggest bitches in the world, and she was a little upset at first, but after a couple of days she actually got in touch and apologised to us all, saying she realised she’d massively overstepped the mark. It really cleared the air and we actually all ended up having a great time, and now she’s one of my closest friends!

Original poster

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:48

Yes, Bellejour, if they were in the same place but a different hotel that would actually be quite nice! Another friend did this last year, stayed in a different hotel up the coast while we were there (totally unplanned and coincidental in this case!) and we saw her and her son a few times over the holiday, for lunch, a couple of dinners and a day on the beach. It was really pleasant. It's really just them being in our hotel that's causing me angst.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 30/08/2018 10:49

I would book somewhere else. Either the hotel was booked up so you had to, or you just happened to read about it before booking and decided you'd give it a go instead.

cobwebsinthebelfry · 30/08/2018 10:50

The crashers aren't going to change their reservation now Belle, I think it's down to OP changing her own holiday plans now that DC don't want to go. I also think it should be DH who communicates with them since this wouldn't have happened without his carelessness!

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 30/08/2018 10:51

These are close friends. Surely you can just talk to them? Don’t change hotels just because they are there. It’s so childish!

TheMatteEffect · 30/08/2018 10:52

but is there any way of managing the situation so that we can still do lots of stuff on our own

They may not actually want to do stuff with you. Hopefully they'll read this post, recognise themselves and change their destination - if I was them I certainly wouldn't want to be sharing a hotel with you.

BelleJour · 30/08/2018 10:54

Yes you're probably right Cobwebs. I was just wondering if actually the OP could have a conversation with the other wife and put her off. But actually explaining that it would be v awkward for your teenage girls would do it - sad fact of children getting older!

MISHGS · 30/08/2018 10:54

This is my idea of hell 😩 I feel your pain.... Yes, I would definitely try & arrange a meal/drinks for just one or two nights while you're there. And if at all possible, I'd be changing the holiday destination/hotel. Dear lord - what a nightmare.x

BelleJour · 30/08/2018 10:55

There's nothing wrong with the OP not wanting to share her family holiday with other people Matte

JellyBaby666 · 30/08/2018 10:55

I think you're overthinking it. These are good friends who may have heard you talk about how nice the holiday is yearly and thought they'd give it a go. I think you definitely should just wait and see how it pans out when you're there, if they're such good friends declining an invitation to a day trip or lunch you don't want to go to with a simple 'thanks, maybe dinner? DC1 fancies doing X today and we're going to have a family day' etc. I honestly think you'll cause more offence trying to sort it before you go!

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 30/08/2018 10:56

When your mate said "mind if we crash it"
DH should have said "we really like/need to go away just us this holiday" - he basically gave them permission to join you on hols

Nightmare.

I'd book a different resort/hotel and say you couldn't get the rooms you wanted - but let's meet for dinner one night as you're not far away.

BewareOfDragons · 30/08/2018 10:56

If you intend to keep the friendship, you will have to suck it up and spend a bit of time with them while you're there. When you're shaking them off, you're going to have to be carefully polite about it.

Sucks, OP. But they're intention was clear, they're 'crashing' your holiday which means they intend to be seeing you.

TheMatteEffect · 30/08/2018 11:01

There's nothing wrong with the OP not wanting to share her family holiday with other people Matte

Maybe if she's holidaying on the Moon. No one has actually asked her to share her family holiday - she's complaining about sharing a hotel with people she knows after her partner gave them the holiday details for that specific time

Leesa65 · 30/08/2018 11:02

We had similar once, but by accident really

We always went to Borth , North Wales, to a caravan park (huge park) and one year, in another part of the site, were two families, we all knew , also on their holidays seperate to the other (ie they did not know each other) It was fine OP.

Out of a week we spent a day or so with each of them and the other times done our own thing, as did they.

Shambu · 30/08/2018 11:03

These are close friends. Surely you can just talk to them? Don’t change hotels just because they are there. It’s so childish!

Well it's the old MN horror of having to talk to other people.

It's annoying, but it's not the end of the world. It certainly doesn't merit this level of drama and angst.

If they've got boys they'll go off and do outdoorsy things and you'll only have to see them once a day.

It's not worth saying anything unless you actually want to lose them as friends. At the same time don't lose your backbone and stand firm on what you actually want to do on your holiday.

underoverunder · 30/08/2018 11:05

Is it an option to change hotel as others have suggested? And then send a text to suggest a meet up for drinks/one or two meals in the week?

We went away with friends this summer. It was great when the children were young but now they are all secondary age, they don't get so much mileage out of each other and my teen DDs ended up feeling they were missing out on mine and DH's company - assigned the kids end of the table.

We also always have a week's holiday - in the UK - with just our family of 4 some point in the year because we all enjoy it so much. It's a time to reconnect away from the distractions of home. So, I can totally understand why this would change your feeling towards your holiday. Changing hotels seems like the only option.

HesterMacaulay · 30/08/2018 11:09

At the same time don't lose your backbone and stand firm on what you actually want to do on your holiday.
But shambu, what the OP wants on this particular holiday is to be away from people she interacts with in the rest of her life! Which you've just told her she should suck up. Can't have it both ways.

PieAndPumpkins · 30/08/2018 11:10

agh no, how awkward! I'm with you, love my privacy and family time on holiday... unless it's a planned friends trip.

I would go with the PP who asked if your husband had confirmed you'd booked it? If he hasn't, just make an excuse about getting a better deal in a different hotel. I really see no way of escaping them without it being awkward, once you're both there.

Original poster

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 11:13

Right, thank you all, you've all been incredibly sensible and just reading and replying to this thread has been very helpful and therapeutic. I am not going to change hotels, I am not going to write to anyone, I'm going to assume that we will meet up face to face at some point before the holiday and have a casual and natural chat about the situation and also get more of a feel for what they're hoping this holiday will be like, too. I will use my stroppy daughters as an excuse (ie; sorry, they're not great company, we might need to extract them for family time here and there), I will recommend outdoorsy stuff for them and I will put my friendship before my holiday because I genuinely like these people and value them very highly. I am hoping for the best. And reminding myself that I'm lucky to be having any sort of holiday, first world problems, etc. I am basically going to get over myself and suck it up. And actually my credo has always been IT'LL BE FINE. And this will be too ... thank you all ...

OP posts:

Shambu · 30/08/2018 11:15

But shambu, what the OP wants on this particular holiday is to be away from people she interacts with in the rest of her life! Which you've just told her she should suck up. Can't have it both ways.

I'm referring to actually being at the place, doing what she likes doing - reading, sunbathing, sightseeing whatever, rather than agreeing to activities combined with the other family.

It's perfectly possible to make it clear you like your own space on holiday without cancelling the trip or changing hotels.

HesterMacaulay · 30/08/2018 11:16

Good decision OP.

Shambu · 30/08/2018 11:16

Xpost - very sensible OP. I hope you enjoy it.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2018 11:28

I agree, go and be gracious about this op. These are friends you wish to keep and they clearly didn't see the issue. Reign your daughters in, it's one year. Accept you will have some time together, and that your holiday may be a bit different this year.

On the flip side it's cheeky fuckery of the highest order. You don't do what they've done without asking. I assume though from your husbands responses they may have thought they had asked and he was good with it. So crossed wires really.

I wouldn't be happy with it either though.

Original poster

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 11:34

It won't happen again, Bluntness, that's for sure!

OP posts:

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