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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends crashing family holiday

134 replies

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 08:57

Every year my family and I go for winter sun in the October half term. We often do big group holidays with friends and family during the summer holidays, but this week has historically been just the four of us. We go to the same place where we have favourite restaurants and beaches and kind of always do the same things. We've been going since our children were little and they're now both secondary school age so it's nice that they still want to do it and the place is full of childhood memories etc. It may well be the last time we ever go as a family. Anyway, a friend of ours contacted my husband a few weeks back to ask where exactly we went for our winter sun. So my husband told him and sent him a link to our hotel. He replied by saying, looks great, mind if we crash it? My husband wrote back and said, give me a call, it's a great place but I'm not convinced it's entirely your cup of tea. A day later he got a reply from his friend saying he'd booked it. Now firstly AIBU in being really upset that they're coming on our holiday without really checking it was OK with us? They're nice people but there's no chemistry between their children and ours. And, selfishly, I just really, really like having this holiday as a 'just us' holiday!!! And regardless of whether or not AIBU, WWYD? It's too late to say they can't come (and I wouldn't anyway, that would be appallingly awkward and rude) but is there any way of managing the situation so that we can still do lots of stuff on our own? Without being rude or having to have a Difficult Conversation?

OP posts:
Troels · 30/08/2018 09:57

I think I'd spend the money to switch hotels to another one in the same or the next town over. But don't tell them.
Then if they ask say, well I went to book but it was full for the dates and room you wanted (after the holiday not before)

NataliaOsipova · 30/08/2018 09:57

I hate to say it, but I'm with Scatty on this. If I were them, I'd see it as their having asked if they could join you on (another) holiday and your DH having said it was fine.

I really feel for you - a) I'd hate it and b) this sort of thing is so bloody awkward. A friend of mine went to Disney and bumped into another mum from her school. Someone she doesn't know that well/kids aren't particular friends etc. Even she had the angst of "oh God, is it expected that we now hang around/eat with these people?". I think I'd be pushing it firmly back on your DH here.....

cobwebsinthebelfry · 30/08/2018 09:57

If you do arrange a meal together make it the last evening or you'll be setting a trend.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2018 09:58

I agree that "drawing battle lines" now might be a good plan.
But even if you do, if they're really pushy, it's going to be difficult.
If you're there by the hotel pool all day then it's not going to work to try and tell them you have your excursions all planned out, obviously! And even if you say that "all you want to do is relax and read your books", they may still come and try to interact.

Your DH isn't going to sort this out, is he. You're just all going to be lumbered.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 30/08/2018 09:58

I would be careful about contacting them to basically say "We don't want to spend much time with you on holiday. You are not welcome and should not have booked." i think almost anyone would take some offence at that, even if they didn't want to be in your pockets at all.

abilockhart · 30/08/2018 09:58

In your situation, I would just change hotel.

When you meet your friends at the airport, you can tell your friends how lovely it is and how they will have a lovely time.

(If there are any queries as to why you aren't staying there this year, give a reason such as needing a larger apartment/bedroom. If worse came to worse, your DH can explain sheepishly to his friend in private that he had completely forgotten that you had said that you booked a different resort this year.)

WhatchaMaCalllit · 30/08/2018 09:59

Tell your DH that you're not 'over thinking it' as it's clearly causing some upset with your family (i.e. one teen says she isn't going to go now). He must send an email/text message or phone them to let them know that this is a family holiday and while they may be in the same resort/hotel as you, you, as a family, will be happy to have dinner one night while you're away but you like this time as a family and you're planning on leaving all the stresses and strains of home life behind for a week. You're sorry if they thought this was going to be a different type of holiday but you wanted to set the record straight before you left for the resort so if they were planning on having daily social events that included you guys, you're not interested in that. You want to lounge around and let all your cares away!

Cutesbabasmummy · 30/08/2018 10:01

They are not coming on your holiday, they are just staying at the same place at the same time. We by chance went to Centre Parcs at the same time as some NCT friends. We bumped into them a couple of times and that was it. By chance again we have both booked for the same week in September this year. We are not expecting to do anything together as its our family time.

Lethaldrizzle · 30/08/2018 10:02

I think they're well cheeky.

fieryginger · 30/08/2018 10:04

Yes it would annoy me too. DH shouldn't have given so much detail away, but that's the sort of thing my DH would do.

Honestly, I don't think there is much you can do, unless you want to strain your relationship with these people. It sounds like they had booked to be with you. If you don't care if it makes the friendship awkward, then there's plenty you can do, be totally honest with them, tell them you want this holiday to be family time.

myrtleWilson · 30/08/2018 10:04

Is there a cancellation charge on your hotel booking? Could you move to another hotel or get own villa?

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:04

Me too lethaldrizzle Grin

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 30/08/2018 10:05

The other thing to consider is whether you're prepared to lose the holiday over this friendship......and equally whether or not you're prepared to lose this friendship over this holiday. Decide which it is....and then decide on a course of action on that basis.

grumiosmum · 30/08/2018 10:05

I sympathise OP as we get put in a similar situation every year regarding our winter skiing holiday.

You can manage this without causing offence - say at the outset, let's get together for dinner on XXX night - then it will be clear you don't expect to eat together every night.

As for the pool, bring your headphones, book, whatever, like you usually do. Don't save them sun loungers. They'll get it, I'm sure.

As for the teenagers, they'll find their own equilibrium, don't worry about them.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:06

NataliaOsipova: V astute. I would prefer to lose the holiday. Definitely x

OP posts:
grumiosmum · 30/08/2018 10:07

Also, you may find the reality of the situation is not as bad as your expectations - and actually you find some fun things to do with them, without being in each others pockets the whole time.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:07

Thank you Grumiosmum. And actually, yes, not saving them loungers is brilliantly passagg and should do the trick :)

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 30/08/2018 10:07

'Can we crash it' definitely means 'can we join you and spend time together?'. 'It' is their holiday, not the place.

Really tricky, especially if your DH would be happy to socialise more and doesn't really mind. If both DCs are aghast though it's three against one!

I agree that maybe a coffee with the wife, or a gentle email, might be the way to go.

yesterdaysgone · 30/08/2018 10:08

I'd make it clear from the start that it's not going to be everyday together. Say something like, "how lovely you're coming to the same hotel, shall we meet up for a meal on .....day". Then they'll be under no illusions hopefully.

AgathaF · 30/08/2018 10:08

You're tied to dates, but could you change your hotel? It's still a few weeks away so hopefully you wouldn't lose too much money doing that?

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 10:08

And thank you again, Grumiosmum. The longer this thread goes on, the more I'm starting to think you might be right. I hadn't expected this to be so therapeutic!

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 30/08/2018 10:10

So they are going to the same place at the same time as you for a holiday - doesn't mean they are going with you. You don't have to socialise or do anything other than say Hi if you encounter eachother.

HesterMacaulay · 30/08/2018 10:10

YANBU!
This would piss me off mightily!
All this 'they're not coming on your holiday just booking the same hotel' is bollocks.
They used the term 'crash' which means join without invitation. And they asked a general question before announcing their plan to 'crash'.
It will inevitably change the whole feel of the holiday. I'm not sure what you can do but I understand your frustration.

HollowTalk · 30/08/2018 10:11

I'd book a different place if at all possible, OP.

Sleepsoon7 · 30/08/2018 10:13

The more I think about it the more 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷I want to send you. For what it’s worth we have now had several ‘last holiday as a family’ and have another booked for Xmas at our ‘usual’ place. Those pesky kids (happily) keep wanting to come away with us every so often.