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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends crashing family holiday

134 replies

Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 08:57

Every year my family and I go for winter sun in the October half term. We often do big group holidays with friends and family during the summer holidays, but this week has historically been just the four of us. We go to the same place where we have favourite restaurants and beaches and kind of always do the same things. We've been going since our children were little and they're now both secondary school age so it's nice that they still want to do it and the place is full of childhood memories etc. It may well be the last time we ever go as a family. Anyway, a friend of ours contacted my husband a few weeks back to ask where exactly we went for our winter sun. So my husband told him and sent him a link to our hotel. He replied by saying, looks great, mind if we crash it? My husband wrote back and said, give me a call, it's a great place but I'm not convinced it's entirely your cup of tea. A day later he got a reply from his friend saying he'd booked it. Now firstly AIBU in being really upset that they're coming on our holiday without really checking it was OK with us? They're nice people but there's no chemistry between their children and ours. And, selfishly, I just really, really like having this holiday as a 'just us' holiday!!! And regardless of whether or not AIBU, WWYD? It's too late to say they can't come (and I wouldn't anyway, that would be appallingly awkward and rude) but is there any way of managing the situation so that we can still do lots of stuff on our own? Without being rude or having to have a Difficult Conversation?

OP posts:
cobwebsinthebelfry · 30/08/2018 09:34

By using the term 'crash' your holiday it sounds to me like these other people are wanting some sort of interaction with you while there. It's inconsiderate and tricky and I think there is potential they could take offence at something or other if it doesn't go how they were planning.

Right now you are no longer looking at your holiday in the same way as before, and it could affect the friendship such as it was. They would seem to think you are a pushover when it comes to having them around, and for this reason IIWM I would give some though as to an alternative destination. If you change your plans and they then take offence about that, you have your answer as to what their plans actually were, and why they need to go about going on holiday with friends in the way they are trying. It's a shame, but it's their fault.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 09:35

Very perceptive lottiegarbanzo. This is exactly what has happened. If I had received the initial email I would have replied very differently and certainly not have sent a link to the hotel. And you are right that he should sort it out. The problem is that he's not as bothered about it as I am and thinks I'm over thinking it.

OP posts:
serbska · 30/08/2018 09:35

before. They're not people we can just 'pass by' in the lobby of our hotel and virtually ignore. We are known as being a very sociable family and I think they may be expecting to hang out a fair amount.

Then set the expectations clear NOW and tell them you were intending this as a small family holiday not a group or duel-family thing.

So much angst can be avoided when people use their actual words to communicate with other people.

Didiusfalco · 30/08/2018 09:35

I think I would breezily announce that we had decided to go somewhere else this year - and do that. There are lots of lovely resorts, maybe time for a change?

Singlenotsingle · 30/08/2018 09:35

They were only asking for a recommendation of somewhere nice to go in October - not saying they want to actually share your space! They might not want to be with you any more than you want to be with them!
Btw, where are you going? Can we come? Grin

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 09:37

BG2015 Yes, we are totally 'days by the pool' people. Including, often, lunch by the pool. They will definitely want to hang by the pool. While I AM TRYING TO READ Grin

OP posts:
Ohhdear · 30/08/2018 09:37

If they’re booking the same hotel, at the same time and asked DH if they can crash it then I fully assume they plan to make it a joint holiday. That would annoy the hell out of me. Sorry OP I know how you feel. Spending the whole time trying to avoid them or make excuses is going to ruin it for you. Just have to make it clear that you want to have some family time and hope they get the message.

SerenDippitty · 30/08/2018 09:38

I feel for you OP I would hate this. It may work out ok though.

JessicaJonesJacket · 30/08/2018 09:38

I think you probably need a chat with your DH tbh. If he's not as bothered about them crashing your holiday then he'll be giving out very different signals. How do your DCs feel about holidaying with the other family? I'm just wondering if everyone else is going to be fine about a shared holiday and you're in the minority.

ScattyCharly · 30/08/2018 09:39

I think that they have been a bit cheeky doing this without explicitly checking whether it was ok with you. However, you (as a family) are sending mixed messages:

  1. You do “joint” holidays in the summer but not October. That seems quite arbitrary with no obvious logic (to them).

  2. your dh sent a link to the actual hotel.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 09:42

JessicaJonesJacket: My children are horrified. (But then they are a pair of drama queens!) The teen says she's not coming. And I promise I gave them the news neutrally without headlining it with my own feelings on the matter.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 30/08/2018 09:42

Is there any leeway with the dates? Otherwise I think your dh has to tell his friend that this is family holiday for you so you're not really available to meet up, but how about drinks / dinner one night?

I can see how this is nobody's fault. What an awkward situation.

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 09:43

ScattyCharly: Agreed. Now I need to find a good way of reeling it back in without upsetting everyone.

OP posts:
Sleepsoon7 · 30/08/2018 09:44

I feel for you - I hate being forced to socialise on holiday when I’ve planned specific family time ( though tbh DCs are often happy to join others....!) As you mention restaurants I assume you aren’t half board so I would remain vague about where you are going to eat. Similarly with favourite beaches. If asked to recommend places it might be churlish to decline but don’t let on what your precise plans are. If breakfast is in the hotel I’d find a table where it would be hard for them to join you.... which leaves pool days. Here is where you may need to be firm and say you’re having chilled family time so please don’t be offended if we don’t join you. Harder to do if they come and sit where you are - then you’ll probably need to suck it up for the first time and flag up that tomorrow you’re going to do your own thing. Try not to stress - just keep your plans flexible and be prepared to compromise - you may make some even better memories either with (or trying to avoid) the other family 🍷🍷😎

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 30/08/2018 09:44

Well it sucks, tbh - I wouldn't be a bit happy about it either.

But it's done now, unfortunately, and I don't think it can be undone. Your DH should have been MUCH clearer in brushing his friend off.

Anxious2niteaaah · 30/08/2018 09:45

Oh I would hate that op, it's one thing spending the day with a friend but I wouldn't want my whole holiday taken up by them..

Is there any way you change your holiday dates (not cancel, just adjust)..even if you adjust it so that you maybe only have a day or two left when they arrive, so that you can see them, but after they leave you have your whole holiday to yourselves...

Or if you have holiday insurance can you just not cancel and then book somewhere else, if it's a last holiday together as a family it might be nice to try something different so you guys have a new memory together of somewhere new

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 09:45

eddielizzard: Sadly no leeway on the dates. I am thinking maybe an honest(ish) email to the friend's wife who, as others have sad, might not be so keen on the idea of a dual holiday and might be glad to get the lines drawn up now.

OP posts:
Atalune · 30/08/2018 09:47

They have obviously booked to join you. For those who are saying they haven’t- come on!

You have to set boundaries now... ring up and chat oh you’ve booked oh it’s so lovely and get chatting and feel them out. Then you can say oh we keep that week pretty mellow and tend to be quite quiet that week. We won’t be doing much accept chilling by the pool and reading. Maybe we should book dinner one eve?

eddielizzard · 30/08/2018 09:48

I think a phone call is much better in this scenario. You don't want this in writing. You can have a nice chat, and then explain the situation. Even better if you do it over coffee. You have a much better chance of doing it kindly. Email is a bit black and white Grin and can be held against you forever, in perpetuity, and circulated endlessly.

Atalune · 30/08/2018 09:48

Also- I want to know the hotel! We are looking for an October break in the sun! 😀

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 30/08/2018 09:52

Aw I feel for you. I’ve say something like:

Hey, dh told me you’re going to the same place as us at half term. Just so you know, this is our family holiday so we won’t be free for meals and day trips. Hope you have a nice time.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/08/2018 09:53

Sadly there's nothing you can do but YANBU - this would piss me right off. We have at least one group/other couple holiday a year but our main holiday is just for us and I'd be very annoyed to have that intruded on.

(Actually I have the opposite problem, we've been invited on two group trips and I don't really want to go on either but DH does)

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 30/08/2018 09:54

I wouldn’t worry about it being awkward. Copying someone’s holiday down to the exact date is really really weird so unless they are totally socially inept they should already know they’ve been weird and should already feel a little awkward.

SweatyFretty · 30/08/2018 09:55

October isn't Winter Sun, is it? Winter is December, January, February.

Misses point of thread

Original poster
Bearhorn · 30/08/2018 09:56

Hey, dh told me you’re going to the same place as us at half term. Just so you know, this is our family holiday so we won’t be free for meals and day trips. Hope you have a nice time.

Nope. Could not do that. Or anything like that. We're staying in the same hotel for a start! And I would be really upset to receive a message like that from a friend.

I think it should be OK to limit dinners out to one or two over the week without causing offence. But as others have said, poolside time, breakfasts etc, I'll have no control over.

OP posts: