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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody entitled grown up children!

327 replies

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 13:50

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live Hmm She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

OP posts:
bangourvillagebesttimeever · 29/08/2018 17:54

I was the guarantor for my DS who was at Uni. My DS was similar to yours where I would receive no notice and get an abrupt call demanding I sort it out! He ended up defaulting on his rent and I was contacted by the estate agents. I paid once and then after that I ignored any further communication. My DS always paid but he was always late and they never chased me for it. However I put my foot down and refused to be his guarantor again as he wasn't reliable and I didn't need the stress of worrying about being chased for his rent. He ended up getting someone else to agree be it and he didn't mess them around and paid on time! I should reassure that now he is 22 he has calmed down and is no longer acting like a entitled twat! I did have to do some tough love, he went NC for two months and then once he realised his behaviour had been atrocious he was a different boy.

bringbacksideburns · 29/08/2018 18:30

Good old Mumsnet AIBU.

Guaranteed the usual pompous ' My kids would never speak to me like that ... I would never call my child an entitled shit..." ( she didn't, she's venting on a forum.) posts.
I do ask how those people think they are helping or contributing to the thread in any way from a perspective of smugness?

And then the Jilly Coopers clutching their pearls aghast at the knowledge that not everyone can afford to be a guarantor!
"But what do the poor people do...? " Indeed. Without the husband in the cushy senior management job supporting you because youve not worked sibce you left Uni you mean?

I hope you manage to sort something out with her OP - I'm wondering how well you get on with her boyfriend and if he could help you bridge the gap and get her to stop speaking to you like this?

Sooner or later she will have to grow up.

bigbluebus · 29/08/2018 18:40

Those of you who say that the agency won't accept the OP as a guarantor because she doesn't earn enough may be interested to know that I signed the guarantee form for my DS and I haven't been in paid employment for 19 years and have no income of my own! I do, however, have an excellent credit rating so I'm guessing that was good enough for them. (And yes if DS did default I could afford to pay his rent!)

CherryPavlova · 29/08/2018 18:46

I think it’s unreaso to call a whole generation ‘entitled’. I know many young adults who work their socks off for the benefit of society. If she still at university, have you not had ongoing discussions about student finance, accommodation, loans etc? It seems odd for it to come out of the blue.
As for being a guarantor, that is usual with student accommodation.

scaryteacher · 29/08/2018 18:46

We didn't act as guarantors for ds for either his first year in Halls, or this current year in Postgrad accommodation. I paid the l/l direct in Years 2 and 3 of his BA, and the l/l was happy with that (especially as he had dh's work contact details), and didn't ask for the rent upfront as we are abroad.

He did say when ds moved out, he'd never had rent paid so promptly in all his years of being a l/l of a student property.

JaceLancs · 29/08/2018 18:56

Both my DC were in university halls and had to pay a terms rent in advance each term plus deposit
I put on my credit card and they paid me back out of their student finance
Not same university so I just assumed it was same everywhere
On a different note I had to stand guarantor for ex DP as no one would rent him anywhere whilst unemployed and he has no family or friends
Thankfully my trust was not misplaced and after paying the rent for 2 years they took me off

AhNowTed · 29/08/2018 19:00

FGS Some of the replies on here.

OP of course she needs you to be a guarantor. All students do.

Presumably the maintenance part of her student loan covers the rent. If you're on a low income she would have been entitled to the full loan amount.

Needing a guarantor is absolutely standard practice for any landlord.

Ignore the fools saying absolutely not - unless you want her to be homeless.

Honestly Hmm

katielouise3 · 29/08/2018 19:01

@PhaedresChocolate

Sorry OP, but if your daughter is a rude and entitled little twat, you HAVE to take some of the blame; hard as it may be to accept.

As has been said, they are not ALL like that; mine certainly are not; nor are most of the young adult children of people I know.

I agree with the posters saying you really should not be talking about your own daughter like that, and tbh you don't sound any better than her!

Going back to your problem......... You would be a fool to be a guarantor, unless you can comfortably afford to lose 1000's of pounds.

It's about time this awful practice of preying on vulnerable parents was stopped. If ALL parents (of uni students) refused to sign guarantor agreements, they would be forced to stop.

chardonm · 29/08/2018 19:03

Yanbu, but I think you should still log on and be a guarantor.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 29/08/2018 19:04

bringbacksideburns And then the Jilly Coopers clutching their pearls...... brilliant 😂

katielouise3 · 29/08/2018 19:04

Calm the fuck down @AhNowTed

Not everyone is able to be a guarantor, and many people cannot afford to fork out multiple 1000's for rent and repairs if their (adult) child, or any of their housemates trash the place, or fail to pay rent.

You sound laughably naive and badly educated at best, rude and obnoxious at worst!

You have to be some special kind of idiot to agree to be a guarantor if you don't have multiple 1000's put away to cough up if it all goes wrong.

DisgustedofSouthend · 29/08/2018 19:05

my dd very similar. give her money and get no thanks. tell her time and time again to get work. penny dropped now she is skint.

DisgustedofSouthend · 29/08/2018 19:05

oh, i am a special kind of idiot, i am a guarantor. talked into it, arm twisted by dd. so stressful.

DisgustedofSouthend · 29/08/2018 19:07

and i am fed up reading scare stories about guarantors.
unless you have first hand knowledge it is all heresy.

AhNowTed · 29/08/2018 19:08

@katielouise3 so who do you think will stand guarantor if not her mother?

OP the way I work it with my kids is they pay the maintenance to me in a lump sum (usually 3 times/year) - I know the exact date it reaches their account - and I pay the rent. That way the landlord gets paid, and the rent money is secured.

And you're only guaranteeing your daughters portion of the rent.

Honestly the hysteria here.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 29/08/2018 19:11

My neighbour was the guarantor for her DS also. He shared a house with 7 others and the house was trashed due to a party. Landlord was asking her to foot the bill for the entire cost of the damage as she was the guarantor for them all! Thankfully the other DC parents were involved and split the cost. It does happen I am afraid it’s not just about covering the rent

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 19:13

And you're only guaranteeing your daughters portion of the rent.

A quick google will reveal that most student tenancies are j/s and the guarantor covers the whole rent for the property, not just one persons.

DisgustedofSouthend · 29/08/2018 19:15

A woman i know from my work, in her 50s, needs a guarantor for her accommodation. it is standard practice.
hell, i needed one for private renting back in 1994!

AhNowTed · 29/08/2018 19:19

@HeckyPeck sorry but that's nonsense.

I have 1 in uni, 1 graduated, and I guarantee their portion only. 4 other parents/guardians cover their own DC.

You can be the lead tenant/guarantor but that just means you're the 1st line for correspondence. It does not mean you guarantee 4 students rents you don't know and have zero relation too. That would be ridiculous

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 19:19

OP can you explain to your DD that you can’t afford to be guarantor and offer to help her look at other options?

As a PP said it would also mean you wouldn’t be able to access any credit for as long as you’re guarantor as it would show up on your credit report and that would then show that you were overstretched. If any emergencies come up you’d be pretty stuffed.

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 19:21

ahnowted www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/renting-a-home/student-housing/students-in-private-rented-accommodation/student-housing-using-a-guarantor/

“If you share accommodation with other tenants under one tenancy agreement, that is, a joint tenancy, it's common for the guarantee to apply to all of the rent, and not just your share“

fattyboomboomboom · 29/08/2018 19:21

Young adult DC have no one else to turn to for these serious issues except for their parents. How would they rent otherwise? The rudeness is another matter and I find it very wearing and upsetting. I suppose they don't like being in the position of asking for a favour when on the cusp of being independent. I do think adolescence is going on several more years than it used to. For my generation working in a supermarket etc from 13 for about 15 hours a week was absolutely normal. I'm not even sure if it's legal now so they are childish for longer. Which is why your DD was still pleasant at 15 - maybe she was really only 12 in old money iyswim.

HeckyPeck · 29/08/2018 19:22

You can ask for it to be changed to just include a portion but they don’t have to agree and it isn’t standard.

Wheresthel1ght · 29/08/2018 19:26

Guarantor for rental accommodation is fairly standard. The issue is that university accommodation is mostly run my private companies rather than the university itself like it was in my day.

If you can't afford it then you can't do it, you risk putting your other children at risk.

You need to establish what went so wrong with your relationship and find a way to build bridges or you are always going to feel like you are in eggshells.

DocJimmy · 29/08/2018 19:26

It's about time this awful practice of preying on vulnerable parents was stopped. If ALL parents (of uni students) refused to sign guarantor agreements, they would be forced to stop.

I agree, but in the short term, it doesn't address the situation. As someone who has just struggled to find a flat in a student town, it is cut throat anything half decent goes in days. There's a whole heap of other people who have parents who are prepared to play by the existing rules, however unfair they are. Landlords and letting agents have the whip hand, it is shite but there we go.

But op you say she's awful, but how does this manifest itself, it seems like she's trying to assert herself as an independent adult whilst not being fully competent at dealing with the adult world, hence the last minute debacle with the guarantor request.

Is it just her being lippy and mardy? Or is there anything else that she's done, been violent/stolen/big falling out etc. because if not your reaction to something that doesn't seem a million miles away from typical late teen behaviour seems a bit disproportionate, of course it is upsetting but does it really warrant such vitriol?