To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

Frozen I think that's different because you planned it together from the outset. This sounds like they have invited the couples away, invitation accepted then they'd be charged which is very different especially as it's a parents' holiday home.

I invited friends away for my 40th, everyone paid a share of the (rented) cottage and we all bought food for meals. It wouldn't have happened otherwise. We have always split bills on birthdays. Whether that's rude surely depends on your circle and what is normal for you.

I’m quite confused by this thread. I have a relative who let me use their big holiday house for a reunion with some school friends, about 20 people in total. The house was free but everyone paid for their own travel, then I did a huge Tesco delivery of food and booze for the weekend. Everyone chipped in £40 each for this and we had a cracking weekend. Was I a CF for charging people for food and drink since it was my relative’s home and I was therefore the ‘host’?!

For my DH's 40th I threw a party at home for family and friends. I bought and prepared all the food while he was away with 'the lads' and we partied on his return. Guests bought gifts and a bottle(which I did not ask for btw) Was informal and great afternoon/night.

I bought all the booze too.

Opinions are always divided on this subject on MN. I think you can do whatever you tink is appropriate or the norm for your circle of friends AS LONG AS it is made clear AT THE START. I have been to all sorts of parties including a 50th where the host/birthday girl's invite said she had paid to hire a hall and a DJ, there would be a paying bar and would people mind bringing a contribution of food for the buffet as she couldn't afford to provide food - oh and no birthday gifts please. It worked fine - people were there because they wanted to help her celebrate.

OP, there's nothing wrong with asking people to chip in their share of accommodation and meal as long as they know beforehand.

I think it's fine to ask the others if they want to pay for a catered meal one night. If they say no, then maybe have it in a restaurant instead?

Did you tell them about the £20 charge from your parents before you invited them?

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

Why don’t you just let your DH have what he wants! How does he feel about his ‘no fuss’ birthday costing his best friends £25 each for a meal they can’t choose?

lisa no you weren't because presumably you asked the others first. It wasn't to celebrate you in any way, you weren't the focus of the weekend.

lisasimpsonssaxophone

A reunion is different. If you are celebrating the birthday of a loved one, you invite people to make that loved one happy, so, formally, they are doing you the favour by attending, and you are supposed to treat them as your guests. Guests don't pay.

Lisa - you weren't telling them what they had to eat for a 'special dinner' then charging them specifically for that. The issue is that OP is inviting people to dinner, a dinner she is choosing and providing. Your scenario doesn't include anything of that sort, does it.

if this was a reunion or general get together then split all costs But you are celebrating dh 40th, you have picked the venue and the food, of course you should pay for food and the £20 per couple, presumably to cover cleaning, wear and tear etc., it's all your choice that's the difference.
Hope it all goes well, have fun.

Off topic but I am amused at the malapropisms 'sort after area' and 'battered an eyelid' 🤣 They are new to me!

^^

Yup.

You can't make it up.

I asked people to pay for dinner at my 30th birthday 9 years ago and have regretted it ever since. It was at a very special venue and I heavily subsidised it but it was the wrong thing to do. Nobody said anything to me directly but I suspect that they talked about it behind me back and it took the shine off it.

Doing something much more modest (at least in terms of food) for my 40th and I will foot the bill.

Personally wouldn't bat an eyelid and would happily pay for the catered meal for a friends birthday - especially after staying the holiday home for free for the weekend.

delph ha ha ha I'd missed those. But I do think £25pp is contortionist!

I would be happy to pay for a weekend away for a good friends 40th. I do think people need to be aware if there is a cost upfront though so they can make an informed decision whether or not to come along.

Conversely when we hosted our big birthday celebration last year one of our guests asked me how much money I wanted. I was mortified that anyone we'd invited would do this, it was embarrassing. We were the hosts, we paid the bill. That's how hospitality works.

YABU.

Also, you need to download Grammarly.

Also, if you are throwing a party, you should be paying for everything. If you cannot afford every detail, then don't have a party.

Really??? I am having a joint 40th soon with a friend. We have hired a Hall will put on food and a glass of bubbles on arrival but guests will pay for their own drinks! This is the norm in my circle.

I was going to comment, but clearly the OP Has Gone.

I think op is a cf too !!!

I think the man probem here is that whilst the cost may well be analogus to others, the proposition isn't.

A 40th birthday weekend away is a bit much (However sought after the area, people don't get to choose what to do there, when to go, or where. My wedding is in a nice location, that I know full well people won't get to enjoy completely!).

A catered meal in that is charged for sounds... off? They don't get to pick the food, and get a semi-restaurant experience.

Guests bringing their own booze is fine. They control the cost and guarantee something they like.

Paying the per-couple charge of your parents won't exactly come off as a great boon either (which tbh I think wtf as my parents would firstly never ask, but wouldn't DREAM of asking for a special occasion).

It's more subtle than the bottom line. For example, my friend asked £5ph of 40 guests to host a baby shower for another friend. I was cringing for her! But splitting the cost between us organisers at £20ph? It was totally fine.

I don't think the ops parents are being tight or unreasonable as some have suggested. After all they're letting out their home to, apart from their dd and dp to three couples who they might hardly know and their kids too. That's a lot of electric, gas water etc which they have to pay for. I think they're being generous letting their dd have it to host a party, many wouldn't dream of allowing this. I presume they'll have a lot of their personal things there.....What about potential damage especially if kids are going. £60 is very reasonable.

Not RTFT. YABU, really cheeky to put on a party and then charge 25 quid a head (so that'd be 50 pounds just for us to attend a birthday party!)

You have a party, you pay for it, you don't charge the guests. If you can't afford a fancy sit down meal with cheeses too you don't have a fancy sit down meal with cheeses too! You throw a party that's more to your budget.