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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

545 replies

1981m · 29/08/2018 10:26

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

OP posts:
grumiosmum · 29/08/2018 13:26

What you are doing OP is hosting a dinner party, with caterers.

Lots of people do this. They would never dream of asking people to pay the cost of the caterer.

if you can't afford it, do the cook yourself, or ask friends to bring food for a pot-luck supper.

ZoeWashburne · 29/08/2018 13:36

What are you going to do if they say no? Make them wait in the other room?

OhtheHillsareAlive · 29/08/2018 13:38

I’m always fascinated by these sorts of dilemmas. They indicate to me people with an aspirational lifestyle which they can’t really afford.

You seem to belong to a social group who want to pretend you live with second homes and specially catered meals. You want a “naice” weekend and a sit down catered meal. You want to pretend you live like this. It’s all a bit showy offy.

But you can’t afford it. Stick to a celebration you can afford.

In short, YABU.

Booop · 29/08/2018 13:41

I think I live in your world OP. None of my friends could ever afford to pay for caterers or expect anyone else to. we have a large group of friends. We regularly do things like this;

  1. Birthday House party everybody brings a dish (host provides house)
  2. Birthday weekend away ( everyone brings a dish or we go to the pub or we all pay for a takeaway/ catering) birthday person gets presents and a cake.
  3. Pub room hired. Everyone brings a dish

If someone can't afford to go they don't go.
I have never been to catered weekend away. No one I know could shell out that sort of cash in one go.

Pengggwn · 29/08/2018 13:41

OhtheHillsareAlive

That's a bit of a spiteful post, isn't it?

Bluelady · 29/08/2018 13:45

Harsh, perhaps. Spiteful, no. Fair? Definitely.

LeftRightCentre · 29/08/2018 13:45

Your H didn't want a fuss, but you insisted on a party. Glad you found a solution but in all honesty, all this 'big birthday' nonsense is fucking tedious and has become a lot like what weddings are today for people in their 30s. We've turned down so many of these invitations to the 'big birthdays' which involve paying out (and let's face it, you'll get them a gift no matter what). It's just narcissism at it's finest, you're 40/50/60, not 4, 5 or 6.

LeftRightCentre · 29/08/2018 13:47

As for your folks charging you, wow, that's just totally mean.

Whatjusthappenedthere · 29/08/2018 13:47

Hi OP, having recently be accused of being a CF I know it’s not nice. The advice further up the line about using “Cook” products is good . I’ve used them a lot and the quality is outstanding. It would be cheaper than having caterers in. Having caterers in as an extravagance that maybe you should cover if that’s your choice. I’ve done it once in the past ( in a holiday cottage in Cornwall - it cost more than eating out but at least the dishes were done for us ).
If you don’t want to foot the food Bill then probably go to a restaurant as people do normally expect to pay their own way in a restaurant.
The fact you are covering the cost of the use of your parents home doesn’t really have any baring on who pays for the meal. If you are serving food to guests in a home and those guests have no choice in what they eat then it’s up to the host to cover that cost. But, nothing wrong in asking people to bring a bottle as would be expected if dining in your usual home.

Sorry I’m not saying what you want to hear. Having said all that, you know your friends best. If you think it’s fine maybe it is but ask yourself if you have every paid for a meal you enjoyed in someone else’s home if it helps.

Newjobnewstart · 29/08/2018 13:50

My life is like @booop no way would I expect a host to burden the full cost of a meal and I would always expect to bring my own booze. A village hall type affair with a buffet I don't expect to pay but would get own drink.
I host an event every year most folk bring a dish and all bring own drink. I wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise and yes I could choose not to host but don't think my guests would be too happy with that.

Whatjusthappenedthere · 29/08/2018 14:07

If you really think your friends wouldn’t mind could you say there contribution is in lieu of a gift?

Witchofwisteria · 29/08/2018 14:14

I don't think they should pay for this sit down meal personally - they are already going out of their way to celebrate with you. Why don't you all go out for dinner instead and then everyone can pay their own bill like any other time you go out for dinner or stay in and order a nice takeaway where you all chip in?

SilverySurfer · 29/08/2018 14:26

It is absolute CFery to charge your guests - either cook the dinner yourself or if you want them to pay go to a restaurant. As for your parents charging to stay in the house, words fail me - not difficult to see the seed hasn't fallen far from the tree. Mean doesn't even begin to describe it.

HelloToYou · 29/08/2018 14:30

I'd expect to pay for myself if I was invited to a restaurant.
If I was invited to a meal at a family home - weather it's yours or a holiday home, I'd not expect to pay for the meal.

HelloToYou · 29/08/2018 14:30

Would be happy to bring drinks though

Notagainagainagain · 29/08/2018 14:51

As long as I was told from the get go I’d have no problem with the £25.

Personally my lot are happy with this sort of arrangement as it means we can do nice things for special occasions. Those who can afford to shell out entirely seem unable to grasp this perspective.

Some are clearly enjoying putting others in their place.

Havaina · 29/08/2018 14:56

A catered meal is a restaurant meal at home. If you're happy for your guests to pay for themselves at a restaurant meal then you should be happy for them to pay for themselves for a catered meal. The principle is the same.

It's likely OP's friends are not as precious as some people here and realise that they're getting a bargain - £20 for accomodation for the whole weekend in a holiday home and £25 for a caterered meal is not to sniff at!

HelloToYou · 29/08/2018 15:00

Oh and - Your parents are being mean to charge you for the house for the weekend for your DH 40th birthday!

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 15:01

A catered meal is a restaurant meal at home

Oh, you must go to different restaurants to me. The ones I go to i get a choice of what to eat and how many courses to have...

thecatsthecats · 29/08/2018 15:02

Notagainagainagain

It doesn't necessarily cost any different though, does it?

Group of 8 x meals out @ £25/head = £200
Each person paying the full bill for 8 once a year = £200

Obviously the numbers might vary group to group, but there's something to be said for the 'pay once, for everyone' model.

As I said, I have no problem with the numbers. The plan is just 'off'.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 29/08/2018 15:02

Op - it's not a "sort after area". I suggest having his thread deleted before anyone else takes the piss out of you.

redcarbluecar · 29/08/2018 15:03

I don’t see anything wrong with this at all as long as you’re upfront with your guests about costs so that they can decide whether to go. £25 pp for a lovely catered meal, including alcohol, sounds reasonable, as does the fact that you can’t afford to pay for everything but still want it to be a special occasion. Calling this CFery is really far fetched, especially as you’re asking for opinions about it. I’d say YANBU to ask for a specified contribution.

BigChocFrenzy · 29/08/2018 15:06

It's totally different inviting people to your particular special celebration - when the hosts should NOT charge anything

and a group of people choosing to go on holiday together, not celebrating anything - when everyone should pay their own way.

Asking your guests to bring their own booze is a reasonable compromisr, if you must cut costs,
especially as families with kids won't have any extra costs for that

but only providing that you make clear that everything else - accommodation, all meals etc - will be provided free.

Otherwise, only invite to the kind of celebration you can afford to pay fully.

crimsonlake · 29/08/2018 15:06

If you have to ask people to pay since you cannot fund it yourselves then you should not be arranging this get together in the first place.

CSIblonde · 29/08/2018 15:08

No. You host a party you pay for it. Why use caterers. Madly expensive when you can buy (online for bulk needed) or make party food really easily.

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