To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

BTW with my last big number birthday, I was actually ill in the lead up to it and friends took over including the catering (and paying) and wouldn't hear of it being handled any other way. So not everyone in real life is much of an arsehole as most of the posters in this thread!

Oh god I bet your group are of the idea that everyone has to pay for the bloody bride on their hen party as well? As if attending a hen party and wedding aren't expensive enough.

What about asking them to bring food for a meal down with them either already prepared ie lasagne or the ingredients to cook? Between you all different people bring a starter/main and pudding with others bringing sides and wine.

Nooooooooooooooo

I;d rather pay £25 than have to about make a desert to bring with me to someone eases party.

You invite, YOU pay and YOU take on the hassle.

Pay for your own party.

So eight adults £25pp that's £200 pay it, it is your husband's birthday, that also seems quite cheap for a fully catered three course private meal, make sure you get references

a house in a well sort after area.

Ah, well-that changed everything!

I would not want to pay £50 per couple for food I wouldn’t choose. You sound right, but reading about your parents-I can see where you get it from!

Get a takeaway. Less glory for you, but at least people will get to eat what they want.

The people coming on with all the pearl-clutching at people having a go at the OP can just do one.

MANY people find what the OP suggested in her opening post crass and tacky. And they are within their rights to say that. This is a PUBLIC MESSAGE FORUM, and you are not going to like all the responses you get.

People jumping in and scolding people having a go at the OP are a bit pathetic tbh. I mean, just how DARE people have different views, and think (understandably) that the OP is being unreasonable?

She asked a question, and asked AIBU, and people answered. Get over it, and bore off with your snitty responses having a go at people who didn't speak favourably of the OP.

We are providing the house and all facilities

But you aren’t! Your parents are letting you stay there for £20 per couple, which you want your guests to pay! Do you charge people at Christmas as well?

I understand that when you go out you each pay for your own meals, I think many people do the same. But this is not "going out" you are not sitting in a lovely restaurant with all that entails, you are sitting in someone's mums holiday home, which maybe very super duper deluxe for all I know but is still not a restaurant. There will be no choice of food, no waiter service, also the possibility that someone's children will make an appearance at some time " muuuuum" , and who will set the table, clear up afterwards, wash up etc etc , so to ask them to pay is really not on. Either book a babysitter and a restaurant, or offer the catered meal for free.

So with that and food and drink it's very expensive for us. What do you think?

I think if you cant afford to pay to host your friends then you need to readjust what you want to do to celebrate.

I was at a hen do with a similar set up. Huge house, you could stay over (but had to pay £20 per person, fair enough) but the bridesmaids did all the food, and charged £30 per person. I thought it was a bit off to be honest, especially since I’m vegetarian and what they had made for me was an Uncle Bens pasta bake....
I would have thought nothing of it if everyone was asked to bring a bottle of wine and part of the meal, but £30 for the pasta bake nearly broke my heart! Even getting a takeaway would have been better, at least it would have been something different and still less than £30!
So if they’re good friends, they may just cough up like I did, but possibly won’t be overly happy about it.

If that’s what your gang does then no need to ask mumsnet!

I have to admit I have held an indulgent dinner and wine tasting evening before and my friends have all chipped in, everyone got to choose the food and the wine we were having though and it was their idea as we have the best set up for a dinner party! We’re the lowest earners of our group so wouldn’t have been able to do it any other way. We used to go out and the dinner would be £120 per head which was pretty painful for us. I can do a dinner party for 6 for £120 all in 😂

I definitely think you’ve reached the right conclusion though in hindsight. Have a lovely time

I don’t understand why posters have to be so snide and nasty to the OP just because they disagree with her. It’s pathetic.

OP, I think it’s ok to ask you friends what they think about it. I’d send an email saying you are wondering if this is a good idea or not. Give them the choice beforehand and see what they say.

Dear Pals,
^I’ve been having a think about our weekend away and what to do for food for XXXs birthday. One thing I thought of was to use some local caterers who could provide a set meal at the House. They sort everything and have a great reputation. It would be £25 a head though and I’m not sure what everyone would prefer. The alternatives would be to grab something from Cook or .... [whatever the alternatives are]. Whatever we do we can provide the booze and the cake. Let me know what you think.

....that kind of thing. I don’t see how that could be seen as grabby or rude? I wouldn’t mind being asked at all.

I celebrated my 40th at a venue that catered for occassions, a buffet would be provided, plus on that night, a live ABBA tribute. So it was £30, people were happy to pay their way. But if I am hosting in my home, I pay.

I don't believe for a second that people were 'happy' about paying £30 per head for a buffet and an ABBA tribute. That's worse than what OP's proposing imo! Just goes to show we all have different ideas of what's alright and what isn't, though, so it's hard not to make the odd blunder.

No. YABU. Plan a party you can afford.

Is this a joke? Host provides. Don't be a dick OP. And stop trying to justify it by implying your guests should be grateful for the chance to stay in your family's holiday home. Unless it's Necker island with flights included, in which case, crack on.

Oh god I bet your group are of the idea that everyone has to pay for the bloody bride on their hen party as well? As if attending a hen party and wedding aren't expensive enough.

I genuinely cannot imagine why you would assume this? You could not be more wrong. I guess what I was trying to convey is that I have good friends, we all do our best to be kind and generous.

StripesandWings
hmm I seem to be on the opposite side of many MNers here and I think people have been unnecessarily rude about OP. Fair enough to say YABU but not that she's clueless, crass, CF, lacking class etc

Aye that is plain to see for those whose comprehension level is average-plus, but for whatever reason, the new thing is to hurl insults - especially if they can be shortened to two capital letters. Tragic.

I would pay for everything myself - you have invited them, they are your guests

I'm guessing the friends will be buying your DH a present too which is normally the only thing I would expect. going out with friends for a birthday meal in a restaurant is slightly different imo. I would just buy a load of drinks and make some party food or get a takeaway.

Not rtft but am that your own parents are charging you for their own families party! Do they not like your DH?

Why do you need caterers? For a fraction of that amount you can buy/ cheat/ cook some amazing stuff, and have fun preparing and cooking together? For £50 8 of you could dine like kings!

Also. Yabu.

Just do cake, tea, crackers, cheese, coffee and alcohol and a game on hand for ascertainment, just in case.

OP I think you're getting a really hard time over this.

I went to a 40th birthday weekend recently. Ten of us paid our way equally, paid for the house and the food shop and we all also took turns to cook breakfast/lunch etc. None of us would have dreamed that the birthday girl would foot any of the costs by herself.

Here in the real world I'm pretty sure no-one would bat an eyelid if asked to contribute £25 to have a catered meal on one of the nights of your shared weekend away.

I think it's more CF to expect to be paid for for a full weekend away.

I would concentrate on the fact that your DH didn't want any fuss but has agreed to something small-THAT'S NOT SMALL though. Maybe he's agreeing to keep the peace, and that's unfair.

Haven't read the full thread, but I think your best option is to ask your friends to provide the alcohol while you cover the food. We were once invited to a christening and the meal afterwards was in a hotel - nothing special. Afterwards, the father of the baby came around asking what we had eaten and asked for the money. I honestly thought he was joking and laughed at his joke. He wasn't joking. In my opinion if you desire the presence of others to join you for your family occasions, you should be happy to cover the cost of hosting them.