To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

in my group of friends we would chip together because other wise we wouldn't be able to afford to do nice things like this.

I would askn25 per couple. which is nothing for a 3 night weekend away for a party.

I would also pay for the food and drink for the night of the sit down. but split the other nights.

In our circle of friends whenever we have been out for meals for special occasions we have always paid for food

Going out to a restaurant or similar is completely different. You must see that?

To hire caterers and ask houseguests to pay would be fairly socially clunky, in my view.

Hang on so you are inviting people to come down and celebrate your DH birthday that he did not want a fuss of anyway. Get the house etc for free but expect them to fork out for the ladida meal that YOU want?

No thank you, if I were your friends I would drop of a gift and let you go on your lovely trip to an oh so sought after area and enjoy it on your own.

People are so entitled these days.

Pay for your own party or don't have one.

It is outrageous to expect people to pay to attend your party...surely this is a joke?

And as a general rule of thumb, do something you can afford. If you're replying on others to fund it, make another plan. What if someone drops out? Gets ill? Would you then ask others to then pay more?

Pay or not to pay aside....what is the general understanding of an invite? I’ve noticed on MN many seem to think they are doing you a favour by inviting you to their wedding, birthday, whatever, like they’ve given you an unexpected but longed for treat .
I was always of the understanding that that the guest is doing you a favour by attending/honouring your invitation, after all if they don’t come you won’t have a “party”? Isn’t that every party hosts worst nightmare?

In this particular case OP seems to think becuase it’s a ‘sought after area’, the guests will be ever so grateful. OP is obviously not thinking this invite might be a complete inconvenience or unwanted weekend away and that they’re only attending simply because they like them.

Have I been wrong all along? I always thought I was doing the guest a favour but seems I’m the one been done one .

WOAH, tacky as fuck. Deciding to have a party for your DH's 40th, then asking people to pay for it. If you asked me to this 'party,' I would tell you to bore off politely decline.

Phew you’ve come to your senses, OP. Asking guests to pay is very cheap and unedifying I’m afraid 😬. In the nicest possible way for future it’s not “sort after” or “battered an eyelid” although they’re funny.
Sought after
Batted an eyelid

Hope DH enjoys his do.

Your parents are charging you ?
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I don't know why people are comparing it to paying for your own meal in a restaurant. It's not the same thing, it's being invited to a dinner party and being asked to pay for the catering and not getting any choice of food.

Very CF!

Whenever we invite friends out for a meal for a birthday celebration we always pay and there's 7 of us so by the time we've paid for ourselves and our friends it costs us over £400,from what you've said it would cost you less than £300 for all of you and you can't expect guests to pay for a meal they don't even get to chose and as for your DP's charging your friends I think it's obvious where the CFuckery is inherited from.

I honestly think if you can't afford to invite people that you don't invite them but it sounds like from what you've said about your friends that you could ask your friends to bring some drink with them.

I genuinely can't get past the fact your own parents will take twenty quid off you. Fair enough charging randoms, but their own child?

Yeah the parents charging their (adult) child for stuff, makes it a bit more clear why the OP has the mindset she has!

I don't get the shock. if couples can't afford it or don't want to do it.. then they say no.
with The snobby...how dare they.

for my 30 th i booked a caravan in habe for 3 nights, I had asked if people wanted to do it, they said yes. paid the 20 each and we split the food and drink bill when we got there.
just like iv done for them if we went some where.
sometimes people can't afford it so they don't go ir we come up with another idea to do together

but then again maybe I'm just a poor working class cheapskate with bad manners.

A perfectly reasonable question. You received nasty responses because for some posters, AIBU translates to a race to the bottom. A normal response will not be so attention-seeking but of course it's fine to ponder this. You want to do a nice thing, you're providing for your friends.. no harm in exploring options.

Personally I think the right thing to do depends entirely on your friendship group. If it's the sort of thing you'd be happy to do if you were invited, then that's your cue. If it's a circle in which the host caters to everyone, that's a different story.

Nice idea.

BTW with my last big number birthday, I was actually ill in the lead up to it and friends took over including the catering (and paying) and wouldn't hear of it being handled any other way. So not everyone in real life is much of an arsehole as most of the posters in this thread!

It's really odd that the parents won't waive their fee for your DH's 40th? Do they normally rent it out and that's why they charge?

Your parents are charging you to stay in their property? Well I understand where the CF-ery comes from.

Strangely I'd have no problem being asked to bring booze, but would be miffed at being asked to pay for the equivalent in food. It just seems different somehow.

It would be like going to someone's house for dinner and being presented with my share of the Tesco bill. Lol. I always bring extra wine to a dinner party as that's the guests normal contribution.

The OP has seen the error of her ways and rightly agreed not to charge guests for food or accommodation, plus pay her parents their CF £60 charge. (Maybe that covers an actual cost to them like a cleaner and a laundry service if they usually rent the property, in which case fair and not CF). The moral of this story? Your party, you pay.

Asking them to bring wine etc is fine. Most people will do that anyway.

Sounds like a good weekend. Relaxing with friends and no childcare issues - fab!

Can't get over how tight the OP's parents are though.

My parents also have a lovely house in a sought after area and I have regularly been able to take advantage to host weekend parties.

I never ask people for money.

They always bring their own booze. Lots of booze.

We often do a bit of a kitty but never at my insistence, one of the party invariably suggests it, or shortly before the break someone will claim cooking breakfasts for the weekend and someone else might volunteer up a cream tea etc etc....

Everyone helps clear up, and on the last day we usually as a group buy mum and dad a gift to leave behind.

Once we had a CF in the group who didn't contribute in any way. Even when we went out to restaurants she vanished at bill time. Didnt even help with washing up and drank more prosecco than anyone else. Card marked. Never invited again.

I think if you ask for money you look like a CF. What goes around comes around and if people feel like they have been rinsed they won't celebrate with you again.

I would cover the meal but graciously accept any generous offers to contribute in other ways.

Encourage people to bring booze and any specialities they make.

People always say "Can I bring anything?" That's your chance to say "ooh yes... a batch of your lovely brownies would go down a treat, and don't forget the prosecco!..."

I seem to be on the opposite side of many MNers here and I think people have been unnecessarily rude about OP. Fair enough to say YABU but not that she's clueless, crass, CF, lacking class etc

As for people saying it's ok to charge people £30 for an Abba tribute night but not if it's in a cottage.... Or purple who were able to spend £1000 on a night but not charge guests, what's that got to do with anything? Not everyone can. Fair enough you can choose to do something cheaper but sometimes it's nice to do something different as well. No one has to go if they don't want to. Arrange something else with them

In my social circle (appreciate everyone is different!)
Normal to pay for your own food in a restaurant
Normal to pay for a take away at someone else's house
Normal to put money in a kitty for a holiday cottage or similar
Normal to chuck in some money towards a BBQ or 'naice' meal eg at Christmas as an alternative to going out when people found that hard with baby sitting.

If you invite people to dinner, explain that it's catered and are they happy to split the cost then they can say yes or no. As MN always says, it's an invitation, not a summons.

Personally I would be happy to. Ok I appreciate some people wouldn't but I find the level of shock and vitriol and complaints that OP is demanding people do things her way odd.

I really don't see the difference between any other event a friend might invite me to for a birthday that I'd expect to pay for e.g. theatre (if it's a show I don't want to see, I won't go...) Restaurant (if it's food I don't like, I won't go) 'activity' e.g. one of my friends wanted to go horse riding in beautiful countryside. Some of us went and enjoyed it, others didn't fancy it so didn't. No problem.

Same for this, if it was £25 for food I hate then obviously I'd decline, ditto if it was a long way to travel and I didn't want to but I wouldn't have a problem with being asked. Presumably these are close friends OP knows well so she has a reasonable idea of what they would like.

I would be fine with paying. Really surprised at some of the responses, it's not like the OP is asking for a huge amount of money.

What about asking them to bring food for a meal down with them either already prepared ie lasagne or the ingredients to cook? Between you all different people bring a starter/main and pudding with others bringing sides and wine.

I wouldn't ask for cash personally.