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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

545 replies

1981m · 29/08/2018 10:26

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 30/08/2018 03:30

People on this thread are so rude.

OP hope the weekend away is great.

luckycat007 · 30/08/2018 03:33

I'd maybe think about telling them to forgo spending on a gift for H in addition to your paying for party request.

Pawpatrolsucks · 30/08/2018 03:36

It's funny, people just like arguing.
Op work out what you can afford and go from there. Talk to your friends and see what they say. If your friends are expecting you to pay for everything, then don't invite them. Just post lots of Facebook photos of the party they weren't invited too.

picklepost · 30/08/2018 06:21

Got to laugh at all those posters accusing OP of lacking in class. She's fucking aristocratic compared with most of the fishwives in here.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2018 08:50

Unless OP is very wealthy why would she provide accommodation and ALL food for the whole weekend for my whole family

They are going sat afternoon and leaving Sunday morning....and it's not her house and I don't think you're invitited. Confused

sweetpb · 30/08/2018 08:56

i got to page 3 and got a bit tired of the cf comments. sorry, I think it entirely depends on how you worded this to some of the harsh replies also it depends on how other peoples friendship circles work, we have a big group of friends and would never expect them to fork out for us going out or for a weekend away.

If it was worded as... we are having a weekend away at my parents cottage and paying for our friends to stay, as we have children with us and cant really go out for an adult only meal at a restaurant aibu if i suggest we have a caterer come to us and each person pays their own as we would at a restaurant and then we provide alcohol? that way we get a nice meal without the hassle of people having to cook?

If my friends were to suggest this i would definitely agree.
My friends recently arranged a day/night in a city for my 40th inc overnight stay, they all paid extra and refused to let me pay my share of the room. I bought a round of drinks to compensate.... then they all proceded to need to buy me drinks as it was for my birthday so in all they spent a lot more than £25pp without a moan and i have done the same in the past and would do in the future, 20 years friendship is worth a £25 meal to me!

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 30/08/2018 09:11

books a weekend away and thinks friends will be looking forward to it, it'll be a reluctant out of sense of duty weekend for most

Ah, Mumsnet. For people who hate their friends Grin

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 30/08/2018 09:15

I’m really curious. If this was the AIBU then would people still be responding the same way about the parents charging?

“I’ve been looking at venues for a special weekend away with some friends for DH’s 40th but they’re all so expensive and we really can’t afford it. My parents heard about my trouble finding a place and offered me their holiday home for all of us to stay in. However, they’ve asked us to chip in £10 each to cover costs while we’re there. AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to pay this?”

I think many of the same posters would be calling OP a CF for expecting a free holiday house!

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2018 09:18

They aren't going for a weekend away, they are going for one night.

OutPinked · 30/08/2018 09:30

You’re paying £60 for everyone’s accommodation which, assuming your parents holiday home isn’t a hostel, is very very cheap. Because of this, you think they should all pay for their meals? Nope, think again. BYO drinks is a better option.

Clionba · 30/08/2018 09:33

Lisa I don't think it's cheeky to think your parents would let you stay for free in their second home for a significant birthday celebration.

Bluelady · 30/08/2018 09:47

Most parents would let their adult children use their holiday home without even thinking of making a charge. Meanness to the nth degree.

NotTheWayISeeIt · 30/08/2018 09:58

I think the parents asking for a token £20 per couple is a great idea. There are costs to holiday homes and a small contribution from people staying there is sensible. As long as the guests know when they are asked if they want to stay then what’s the problem? I don’t understand why people are so embarrassed to talk about money.

If I was a guest I would be pleased to be asked! and I’d also bring some wine.

SalemBlackCat · 30/08/2018 09:59

If you invite guests to a party, then you invite them. You shouldn't say, 'oh, by the way, I need to get x dollars from you for cleaning. It would be different if it were for say 2 weeks holiday. But you are inviting GUESTS to a PARTY. I ask you, who asks guests for money for cleaning up afterwards, and for gas? That is simply not normal. It is a party. A weekend (which I think is way too much for a simple birthday, but, whatever) yeah, people would offer to bring drinks, but seriously, charging your own SON-IN-LAW for a birthday party? That is simply not normal. Not in anyone's language. What sort of a family charges family to have a party?

It is interesting though. In my personal experience, those who have very little are much, much more generous and don't even think about charging. Because, well, it wouldn't even occur to them. But rich people do charge. It just demonstrates the different value system between rich people and the have nots.

BabyCobra · 30/08/2018 10:02

Pay or not to pay aside....what is the general understanding of an invite? I’ve noticed on MN many seem to think they are doing you a favour by inviting you to their wedding, birthday, whatever, like they’ve given you an unexpected but longed for treat confused.
I was always of the understanding that that the guest is doing you a favour by attending/honouring your invitation, after all if they don’t come you won’t have a “party”? Isn’t that every party hosts worst nightmare?

This completely sums up my views. I had a 40th and paid for the entire thing, food, drinks and venue. I honestly felt like expecting people to make the time to come and celebrate was the most I could ask. I was just grateful they all turned up. If I couldn't afford it, I seriously would not have had a party at all. I would have just done something simple at home with family, which is what I do every other year.

SalemBlackCat · 30/08/2018 10:05

"She's fucking aristocratic"
Yea picklepost, we know she is aristocratic. Hence the crass grabbing for money. Poor people wouldn't even think to charge their own FAMILY to have a party at their own house. Thank goodness most of us are not aristocratic, and if being a fishwife means I am not, I am PROUD to be a fishwife!! At least I would not charge my own FAMILY to have a party at my house! Fishwife, and darn effing proud of it! I wouldn't be 'aristocratic' if you paid me! I cherish my family values and egalitarian values.

SalemBlackCat · 30/08/2018 10:24

@Kool4katz "We paid for our own meals on Saturday and Sunday lunch"
Sorry, your sister IS a CF. If you INVITE people, then you pay all the costs. It really is that simple.

SalemBlackCat · 30/08/2018 10:31

"Do you think it's unreasonable to charge people to use a holiday house?" @Frogpond, if they were strangers paying for a holiday house, no it's not unreasonable. But if you are charging FAMILY and FRIENDS ie guests, for a party, not a holiday, then yes it is unreasonable. You are confusing paying customers with family and friends as guests.

SalemBlackCat · 30/08/2018 10:34

@loveka It is an over night party. No laundry will be done. Again I think people are mixing up paying customers with friends and family invited to a party.

Bluewidow · 30/08/2018 10:40

No it's your party you pay for it. If you can't afford it order a nice takeaway and save some money. Your also disillusioned if you think all the kids will go to bed on time and stay in bed depending upon their ages they are probably going to want in on it.

Bluelady · 30/08/2018 10:46

Sis think laundry will be done, actually. Unless it's suddenly become usual to put people in dirty sheets and give them used towels. It's not going to cost £20 a couple, though.

Kool4katz · 30/08/2018 10:48

SalemBlackCat I guess you don't get invited to many parties with that attitude. Smile

loveka · 30/08/2018 12:00

Of course there will be washing, they are staying overnight. A cleaner will have to be paid to do it, as well as the cleaning. I pay £200 for this. It doesn't matter how long people have stayed the cost is the same.

Confusedbeetle · 30/08/2018 12:02

NO NEVER. You host what you can afford. Do not invite them for a whole weekend

Anonymumm · 30/08/2018 12:45

@PrincessAvaR yup, I was pretty taken aback too

Hope DS has a fab birthday, sounds like a great day out.

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