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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

545 replies

1981m · 29/08/2018 10:26

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

OP posts:
Atalune · 29/08/2018 19:51

It’s diamonds I’m clutching love.

Your sis wants to have a word with herself.

kaytee87 · 29/08/2018 19:57

Those saying you are wealthy if you have a holiday house... not necessarily true. The parents might need every penny to pay the mortgage on it. They are losing a weeks rental. Perhaps they assumed the friends would chip in for the cottage which I think would be more acceptable

If you need every penny for a mortgage on a holiday home then you really shouldn't have one. It's just another example of living beyond your means and getting others to foot the bill.

kaytee87 · 29/08/2018 19:58

@loveka really? Even if the cleaners were charging a very expensive £20 an hour (double the rate in my area) that would be 13 hours of cleaning? I don't think so.

PrincessAvaR · 29/08/2018 20:00

Perhaps I read it wrong, but I'm sure the OP said her parents usually ask for £20 per couple if friends stay, and she said her & DH would be paying this themselves and it was £60 as there were 3 other couples going. Therefore her parents are not charging her & DH £20 for staying, only for the friends staying.

Is that right @1981m ?

Tbf, I don't think that is unreasonable as they are letting their daughter and her DH & kids stay for nothing but just ask for a small contribution to cover their friends and their kids using the extra electricity/water/bedding etc and to cover the cost of cleaning when they all leave.

I don't agree that the friends should be asked to contribute towards caterers when they have no say in what they will be eating, however the OP was only originally asking if she would be being unreasonable to ask. As the majority have said yes she would be, she has decided her & DH will cover this cost themselves.

I don't think it's very nice to insult her and her family when she genuinely just wanted opinions on whether she should ask her friends to contribute or not.

Whatever you decide to do OP, I hope you have a nice weekend and your DH enjoys his birthday x

TheLette · 29/08/2018 20:06

What would you pay for a similar meal in a restaurant? It doesn't seem an unreasonable amount to me, assuming the food is good quality. Personally unless it is possible to get a really nice lunch for a lot less at a restaurant, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect guests to pay. I would love the idea of having a fully catered meal with no need for a babysitter or to actually have to go anywhere. I would ask my friends and suggest it though and only do it if they are keen - my friends would not be put out by being asked and I think they would have no qualms about saying no if they weren't keen. They are getting free accommodation after all and are likely to factor that in.

Bimgy85 · 29/08/2018 20:44

Wow what a family, my parents would never ever ask me to charge my friends if we were staying at their 'holiday home' for a party for my husbands 40th!!!

Are all your family this cheeky?

Bimgy85 · 29/08/2018 20:45

I agree. If you can't afford to pay for the party gang, cook yourself. Tough really. Can't have it all ways. Nice food and compensation for it.

Bimgy85 · 29/08/2018 20:48

If you threw your child a 10th birthday party would you charge the children/parents for the food/party bags/cake?

I think not Grin

DroningOn · 29/08/2018 20:50

I'd be so uncomfortable asking my friends to pay, you must have a right brass neck

Mummadeeze · 29/08/2018 20:58

I am going against the majority here and would say that £25 for a weekend away in a nice holiday home with my friends including alcohol and a three course meal sounds like a wonderful opportunity and I would be very excited and pleased to be invited. I spend -£50+ on a sitter just to go on a local low key night out so this sounds like a total bargain. You know your friends, if you think they would be cool with it, go for it. They can always say they can’t make it if they feel like a lot of others on here.

biscuittime · 29/08/2018 20:59

Depends - our friends would def not expect us to pay but none of us could afford a big expense and we all love celebrating together.

So if they are true friends, suggest it as an idea and see what they think

psychedelia · 29/08/2018 22:37

biscuit mine would be the same but I think the difference is we’d all chip
in in terms of food, drink and effort. That’s the fun. Not overpaying for outside catering.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 29/08/2018 22:55

This does remind me of going to a mid range restaurant in Notting Hill years ago which one person in our group of 10 insisted upon. In the pre mobile phone era, we got the bill and she borrowed a pencil, armed herself with a serviette and proceeded to calculate the exact amount each individual owed, much to the amusement of other diners 🤣🤣. We were in our late 20s and DH who was still DP then was agog.
I don’t think anyone’s pearl clutching here, you just want to keep it classy Grin

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 23:04

I spend -£50+ on a sitter just to go on a local low key night out so this sounds like a total bargain

I guess if you look at going to someone's party as how much you're getting for your money then I can see where you're coming from.

Personally I don't look at going to friends parties as how much I'm getting for my money or if it's a bargain or not, nor do I charge my friends if I invite them to celebrate with me. We are all different.

Frogpond · 30/08/2018 01:23

Just remember you are asking good friends, not random people on the internet, so your friends will feel differently to the people responding on here.
How about only inviting people for the night of the party, you pay for the accommodation, the party dinner and buy bacon and eggs for breakfast the next morning. Ask guests to bring a bottle in lieu of a gift. That should cut costs. If people want to stay longer then they pay for it, and provide their own food.
In regards to the menu, I suggest you pick it yourself and let people know that's what it is, otherwise you will get lots of different requests. If you are paying for the meal it's ok to choose it.

ThunderR0ad78 · 30/08/2018 01:33

Really think you need to cover the cost of the weekend including the catered meal for all and all food / drink in the house AND any payment to your parents for hire costs!

Obviously like others have said it is very unlikely they will turn up empty handed and no doubt will bring booze and personal preferences for their kids etc but anything to do specifically with his bday celebrations I think you need to cover that!

SalemBlackCat · 30/08/2018 01:51

@1981m Lol Yes, your parents ARE mean, very selfish and stingy. But that is often the way with rich people the more money they have, the tighter they are. You clearly grew up in that mindset so cannot understand why the rest of us are saying that it's not normal! It is most definitely NOT NORMAL to charge guests for 'cleaning' and 'electric/gas'. That is NOT NORMAL AT ALL. Best you learn that now because later on down the line you will get a really rude shock if you continue in your parents rude and selfish footsteps.

SalemBlackCat · 30/08/2018 01:57

"If you threw your child a 10th birthday party would you charge the children/parents for the food/party bags/cake?"
Oh I think she would. She clearly wasn't raised with the values that the rest of us were and so cannot understand that her family is messed up and wrong.

Frogpond · 30/08/2018 02:03

Do you think it's unreasonable to charge people to use a holiday house?

TheDarkPassenger · 30/08/2018 02:15

Wouldn’t bother me I’d happily pay that spend time with my friends for their birthday. Certainly wouldn’t expect you to foot everything, but I see I’m quite the minority.

I’d just ask if everyone would rather do this or go out? I know in my circle it is completely normal to pay for ourselves, just let people know beforehand.

Oh and we’re not rich it’s just the type of people we all are I suppose? For context we’re townies from a market town up north!

Italiangreyhound · 30/08/2018 02:21

I don't think it is wrong to ask people to pay for their own meals when you all go away on holiday. I'm genuinely shocked at the people who think this is cheeky!If I was invited for a weekend away, I would certainly expect to pay for my own food.

But I think it would be easier, as you are choosing the menu for you to pay for that and ask people to bring drinks.

FlipperSocks · 30/08/2018 02:37

Ouch. Such a harsh reaction from many.

For what it’s worth OP, I think it was a reasonable option to consider. You know your friends and would have a good idea of how they would feel. I think groups of friends or family can make whatever arrangements that suit them without having to stick to a notion of etiquette. If sharing costs allows you do more fun things together then why not.

This is different from CF stories where people spring costs on guests or are stingy and making a profit on parties.

GoldenMcOldie · 30/08/2018 02:38

Don't ask your guests to pay. If you cant afford to pay the caterer, cook yourself or do something different.

fattyboomboomboom · 30/08/2018 02:40

If I was invited for a free weekend with my DC I would get in touch with her to ask what she wanted me to bring. Even if she asked for 6 bottles of champagne and a leg of lamb i would be perfectly happy to. Unless OP is very wealthy why would she provide accommodation and ALL food for the whole weekend for my whole family? But as a guest I would certainly get in touch and force you to tell me what I can do to help out with re food and drink.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/08/2018 03:25

This thread is MN comedy gold.

OP - you're hosting a do, you have to expect to incur some costs. £20 per couple for accommodation is nothing - it's so nothing that it's beyond cringey that your parents are passing it on - let alone that your sister is.

Honestly, this is bargainous, from your point of view.

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