Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

545 replies

1981m · 29/08/2018 10:26

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 29/08/2018 17:13

No. Don't ask them to pay. Either pay for them or do something that you can afford.

Kisskiss · 29/08/2018 17:48

serbska your story lol!!! Maybe the colleague was putting the bottles people had brought with them, behind the pay bar so they could buy their own drinks back. Just lol

TinySalmon · 29/08/2018 17:56

@queenworkerbee I've never been to a wedding where I've been asked to pay £50 (or anything for that matter) per head Confused

SilverySurfer · 29/08/2018 18:01

Bombaybunty Shock

Your parents are unbelievably tight charging their own daughter for using their holiday cottage, it's about as mean and stingy as you can get.

Who will cook/pay for other meals over the weekend or are you expecting them all to arrive at the cottage at 7.30 for dinner at 8 and then booting them out of the house before breakfast time the following morning? Hmm

RhythmStix · 29/08/2018 18:17

Some people are just tightwads to their bones.

Imagine being so rich that you can afford a holiday home and then charging your own dc to stay there !

Imagine arranging a dinner for your dh's birthday then charging people to turn up!

Some of the stories on this thread are toe-curling .

GiraffeObsessedBaby · 29/08/2018 18:27

Absolutely no issue asking for them to contribute. I really had honestly never heard of or experienced (still haven't) what seems to be the mumsnet consensus of "you invite you pay". My family and friends and net of acquaintances this is just not the done thing. You pay your own way.

Anyway in this situation nope totally not being a CF

AhNowTed · 29/08/2018 18:35

@1981m

I think you're getting some v nasty responses.

However if this was a "friends going away for the weekend" I'd expect to pay my share of everything.

It's a bit different being invited to a party though.

I'd go with paying for the catering, few bottles of wine, and an invitation to "feel free to BYO wine, spirits or whatever you want to drink"

Kisskiss · 29/08/2018 18:46

@AhNowTed I don’t tjink people are being nasty, just honest... it’s probably better to get the honest feedback off a forum full of people you don’t know and who don’t know you from joe. Than having people you do know say the same things ( to your face, or worse behind your back...)

beanaseireann · 29/08/2018 18:46

Your parents are charging you to stay at their holiday home Shock is it any wonder you are asking should you charge your friends for food at your dh's party.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree Smile
Or to paraphrase - it's not off the ground you licked the mean streak.

happymummy12345 · 29/08/2018 18:50

I wouldn't ask anyone to pay for or bring anything. If you can't afford it don't do it

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 19:00

If you can't afford it don't do it

I think this about sums it up, if funds are tight do a bbq or something, there are only six of you. Or just cook dinner, chicken and chorizo casserole or something, won't cost much, you can probably feed the six of you for a tenner and get a birthday cake or make one.

Get a box or two of wine, for the fifty quid you were going to spend on you and your husbands caters meals you can do quite a nice little spread with booze.

You're still marking rhe occasion with friends. Maybe also speak to your mum and dad, as it's your husbands birthday maybe they will let him off with his tenner for staying in the house as a special birthday treat , and that can go in the booze kitty....

Original poster
1981m · 29/08/2018 19:02

Well you can all stop being so outraged and let go of your pearls!Smile

I sent a message to the group saying that the food and arrangements for the Saturday are sorted by us. Explained what it was and asked them to BYO. We will also bring few bottles of drink too. We will arrive Saturday and stay until Sunday evening.

We are going to pay the £20 per couple price too so £260 paid for by us. Not the couples. Although spoke to my dsis and she's doing the same for her 40th and said she will ask friends to contribute the £20 per couple!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 19:03

Although spoke to my dsis and she's doing the same for her 40th and said she will ask friends to contribute the £20 per couple!*

Blimey it really does run in your family. 😱

Bluelady · 29/08/2018 19:04

Dear God, your parents are beyond tight, OP. Hope they know they can't take it with them.

Justmuddlingalong · 29/08/2018 19:09

Thanks for the update. I look forward to the thread started by your DSis's friends.

TheGlitterFairy · 29/08/2018 19:15

Bizarre. If you can’t host a party properly (food and drinks) then not great to go ahead - for you or your DSis.

WilburIsSomePig · 29/08/2018 19:18

OP, not all of us were clutching our pearls as you put it, but can you really not see how odd it would be?

You've made the right decision, paying for your guests and there's nothing wrong with asking them to bring a bottle.

ADastardlyThing · 29/08/2018 19:21

As if your parents are charging you though, what a kick in the fanny that is!

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 19:27

Some people are simply not generous to their friends or family. I think when it gets to the level you're charging your son in law a tenner to stay in your holiday home for one night on his fortieth birthday, never mind your own daughter, most people would say that's a new low. Others like the ops parents clearly want the tenner so will take it.

I couldn't do it myself. I can't imagine taking a tenner off my daughter for something like that, but everyone is different. The fact rhe op wanted to charge her friends, and her sister will charge hers, shows maybe this was how they were brought up, so the lack of generosity is their norm. If that's the case rhe op has done well to step away from what she knows and actually show generosity to her friends.

loveka · 29/08/2018 19:27

I went to a 30th where this happened. We got a bill for the meal that we had been invited to, no mention of payment before. We realised we were there to make up the numbers so he could afford the fancy hotel room hire.

I think it would be better to ask.them.to supply the booze.

Those saying you are wealthy if you have a holiday house... not necessarily true. The parents might need every penny to pay the mortgage on it. They are losing a weeks rental. Perhaps they assumed the friends would chip in for the cottage which I think would be more acceptable.

Spanglylycra · 29/08/2018 19:28

Why are your parents charging you? Is it to cover a cleaning charge or something? If not that seems a bit harsh!

I think in terms of the dinner it's a fair idea as you are all parents with kids and it saves work. I don't think you are being a CF you just have to present it in the right way.

loveka · 29/08/2018 19:29

On a large house £260 would be the cleaning/laundry fee actually.

CocoCharlie83 · 29/08/2018 19:41

Some family that, parents charging for use of their holiday home when it's for their daughter for a one off big birthday.

I'm surprised you or DSIS hasn't tried to charge the other couples staying extra each to make some money out of it yourselves

willyloman · 29/08/2018 19:43

You are throwing the party, you pay. If you can't afford it then cook yourself.

Bluelady · 29/08/2018 19:43

I bet they're not losing a week's rental, it would be off the table if there was any chance of getting the going rate for a week. Where do you get £260 from, loveka?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread