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Original poster

To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

545 replies

1981m · 29/08/2018 10:26

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

OP posts:
Anonymumm · 29/08/2018 16:23

@nettletheelf - no way!
It never ceases to surprise me though we once got invited to a 40th Birthday meal, I arrived heavily pregnant and the guys wife insisted on ordering me a mocktail, we got seated with the youngest of their family members, and a colleague of my Husband - when making the speech 40th Birthday guys wife announced that the meal was paid for but buy your own drinks - reasonable enough, until all the kids on our table absconded and my Husband wound up footing the lions share ofour tables drinks bill - £86! And I was driving! And I'm sure, to this day, they are completely oblivious of this fact....

butlerswharf · 29/08/2018 16:24

It's not ok. Don't hold the party if you don't want to have the expense.

sofato5miles · 29/08/2018 16:25

What's happening with the other meals?

ZanyMobster · 29/08/2018 16:28

I wouldn't mind paying for the food as a guest TBH, as long as the invite is clear in the first instance. We are going away for our friends big birthday next month and we'll go out for dinner and all pay our own way. No one would bat an eyelid. If it was at someones actual house we would expect a bit of food to be put on but would still take booze and gifts with us. A party in a hall, I would expect a buffet but not a free bar. Staying at a shared apartment/house, I would expect to pay for accommodation and food. MN has a real issue with this and think you should only have parties if you are loaded.

FWIW I am having a party for my big birthday in a few months, I am having a well known (to the area) band, photo booth, food, disco and it's costing about £2.5-3k. I am not providing a free bar as I can't stretch that far. I don't think I am being tight at all or that I am a CF, I have never come across anyone who expects free drinks anyway.

Dieu · 29/08/2018 16:29

I think it's absolutely expected for the other couples to provide their own food, for the rest of the weekend. I think it's just the sit-down, catered birthday meal that the OP is talking about (and she definitely should cover the cost of that). After all, they are all getting a free weekend away with their kids, which is a bit of a result!

ZanyMobster · 29/08/2018 16:31

I actually do think your parents are being mean, it's your DHs 40th, I cannot imagine parents charging for this, it will actually cost them a few quid. Maybe paying for the cleaner but that would be it.

Yes and I agree with a pp, if you decide to pay for it why not pay for a takeaway and a few bottles of booze. That will be a fair bit cheaper.

tenbob · 29/08/2018 16:31

The lower middle class angst on this thread is palpable

Unless you're Hyacinth Bucket, why wouldn't you ask your friends to chip in for their meals while getting a free weekend away?

NoWayNoHow · 29/08/2018 16:33

To this day, people are still left open-mouthed when I tell them about the time we were invited to someone's house for a pre-Christmas dinner and asked to pay when we got there. Down to the £s and p's and they kept the leftovers and our £50.

The CFs are not our friends anymore. HTH.

Bluelady · 29/08/2018 16:36

Still aghast at OP's parents charging for the use of their holiday home. And, no, you don't pay for any of your own food when you're invited to a celebration weekend. You take booze, flowers and chocolates, the catering is the hosts' job.

psychedelia · 29/08/2018 16:38

Tenbob I think it would be different if it was a weekend away chosen by all. This location is for the convenience of Op. My friends and I are planning a weekend away for a 50th, we’ll all suggest places and agree on one. Each will pay for themself and hand free choice over meals. That’s not happening here.

deepsea · 29/08/2018 16:40

You are inviting them to YOUR 40th birthday party as a guest, of course you can NOT charge them to eat the birthday dinner.

I am utterly amazed you have any friends to invite. Are you always like this?

deepsea · 29/08/2018 16:41

My brother in law once produced a bill after christmas lunch, we still talk about it 20 years later.

PrincessAvaR · 29/08/2018 16:43

@Anonymumm Shock I'm shocked!! You had to pay entry into the softplay after being invited for someone's birthday?!

It's my DS's 10th Birthday on Sunday. We have invited 4 of his friends to come bowling and for McDonalds afterwards. I would never dream of expecting the parents to pay for any part of it. I've invited them, therefore I pay.

deepsea · 29/08/2018 16:43

If you really can't afford to host them properly, why not ask everyone to bring a few salads and wine and not make it a 'catered' expensive event.

You want the big catered dinner but you don't want to pay for it.

CF

AvonCallingBarksdale · 29/08/2018 16:47

I really cannot conceive of a situation where my DPs would charge to cover costs for a house that they own 😂. It is really crass to suggest people pay for a meal they cannot choose themselves!! Surely that’s blatantly obvious. All this penny counting is so cringey especially when it’s for negligible amounts Shock

Bombaybunty · 29/08/2018 16:47

We were recently invited to a 40th birthday celebration. It's a whole day out to a mystery location.
The cost is £150 per couple including food, drinks and transport.
We said no to their kind invitation.

serbska · 29/08/2018 16:50

@ZanyMobster your party sounds great. It is not CF to have a pay bar in that situation... but it would be CF to charge an entrance fee!

serbska · 29/08/2018 16:57

*To this day, people are still left open-mouthed when I tell them about the time we were invited to someone's house for a pre-Christmas dinner and asked to pay when we got there. Down to the £s and p's and they kept the leftovers and our £50.(

I've told this story before - a colleague of my fathers (this man would have been earning over £150k a year for context) invited my father and his other colleagues to a party. Not a work party, just a social party he was hosting.

On arrival to this mans (large) house - it was discovered that there was a PAY BAR!

Your bottle of wine you took with you (or whatever alcohol you arrived with) was taken off you on entrance and put away by the man and his wife, and you had to go and buy dinks at the pay bar. In. His. Home.

Most people didn't much money on them and my dad ended up sharing round the cash he had in his pocket with all his work colleagues!

So, so mean. And blissfully unaware about what a twat this man showed himself to be.

He actually retired last year and my Dad went to his retirement party. There was a pay bar. No food. And the man made a very, very long boring speech all about the highlights of his (very average) career.

ZanyMobster · 29/08/2018 17:00

@serbska aw, I glad it sounds good. I would definitely not charge for anything to guests at all but these threads always make you doubt yourselves if you are not paying it may cost your guests to leave their houses for the evening ha ha!

Nowaynohow - I think it is cheeky to charge guests for a meal at your house, on the thread re the woman charging £30 per head I did say that I host for my family every year so we do split costs otherwise it is just me paying every time although as host I do pay for crackers, table favours and a few extras, we don't have much left over but they would be willing to take it f they wanted otherwise it just gets left at mine. My guests usually bring a few bits too.

Fabricwitch · 29/08/2018 17:01

I think it would have been fine if you'd said it from the start so they could decide whether to go or not, but you can't ask them now. Ask them to BYOB and if any of them ask if there's anything he'd like as a gift you could mention a contribution towards the meal.

To the PP who compared it to a wedding, the first thing I thought was imagine if this was a wedding you'd been invited to and then you're asked to pay for your own meal. I would not be impressed! Asking for cash gifts is still tacky, but not as bad as "the meal costs X amount and you need to pay for it if you want to come". You shouldn't plan a wedding you can't afford and rely on being given money, same goes for 40th birthday parties.

Clionba · 29/08/2018 17:02

Zany yours sounds fine, it's usual to pay for drinks at a venue like that.

ZanyMobster · 29/08/2018 17:04

I genuinely think as long as you are clear at the point of invitation then it's fine to do whatever, they can come or not.

Bombaybunty - £150 is a lot of money, however if they are purely asking people to join them on a day out to celebrate then I don't think there is much wrong with everyone paying their way, as MN likes to say its an invitation not a summons. I have been to many birthday day's out such as theme parks etc, I have never considered that the person inviting me would pay for everyone. Like I say if they said come round for dinner I wouldn't expect a bill but a meal out in a restaurant to celebrate I would expect to pay for my own.

Poloshot · 29/08/2018 17:06

One of the best threads in a while. OP claiming she's victimised after husband doesn't want a fuss so books a weekend away and thinks friends will be looking forward to it, it'll be a reluctant out of sense of duty weekend for most, stays at parents holiday home who charge them(!), obviously has learned financial habits from them as wants to pass on some of the cost (meal) by charging invited guests.

DarlingNikita · 29/08/2018 17:10

it'll be a reluctant out of sense of duty weekend for most

a) how nasty and b) how on earth do you know that? Confused Maybe the OP and her DH's friends are looking forward to spending a nice weekend with them

Kool4katz · 29/08/2018 17:11

My sister booked a large house with annexe to sleep 20 for a long week-end to celebrate a big birthday.
She booked food from a caterers for the Saturday evening and bought most of the food for the rest of the stay too and stocked up the fridges.
We paid for our own meals on Saturday and Sunday lunch and had a takeaway on the Friday as we were all arriving between 6-8pm.

Thank god she has never been a CF!

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