To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

I think go with your plan of asking them to bring the booze. But... if they bring up the cost of the house then you could say it's costing you £20 per couple. Most people would then happily offer up the £20. Personally if I were a guest I'd offer the cost of the house and the meal. It would have been best to bring up the £20 per couple thing when you first arranged things. I don't think you should ask for the meal money. You could just cook something easy instead though.

This is the "done thing" in some circles so up to you OP if you don't find it weird. Remember a while ago there was that woman who was in the papers because she charged her family £30 per head for Christmas lunch? Loads of people were on her side saying what a good idea it was.

Personally I wouldn't dream of inviting guests over and ask them to pay for things.

Now you've decided to pay for the food would it not be cheaper for you to get a nice Chinese/Indian take away delivered?

Nope. Cut your coat according to your cloth. If you couldn't stretch to the caterers you shouldn't have organised them. Surprised your parents are charging you too!

i thought this was going to be a reverse

As PP have said, I think it comes down to what feels right within your social circle. If someone invited me away for the weekend to celebrate a friend’s birthday, charging me only £25 for holiday-style accommodation, a three course catered meal (plus cheeses) and drinks, I’d be more than up for it. A catered meal is presumably a bit more expensive and is a ‘special’ touch – not the equivalent of inviting guests round to your own house for dinner and then asking for payment.
However, as a guest, I assume I’d be given the choice about whether to attend the event and told about the cost in advance (as opposed to a collecting tin suddenly being produced at the dinner table, for example). So if I couldn’t afford or wasn’t prepared to pay the £25 or incidental costs such as travel / extra booze, or if I didn’t want to devote that much time to a friend’s birthday, I’d just decline the invite, and wouldn’t expect that to be a problem. I think you should do what feels reasonable to you, given your friends and your finances. It sounds like a really nice do.

That's a lot of electric, gas water etc which they have to pay for.

Oh come on! I bet not many of us pay utility bills averaging £30 per day!

I'm surprised you have friends

Of course you can't expect them to pay...

In my circle of fiends this would be fine. We would all chip in to pay for the caterers as we would if we had a takeaway. Depends what the dynamics are in your group really. If it's too awkward then pay for the food and everyone gets their own drinks would sound better

My parents aren't mean at all. They are very generous letting us use their house by the sea and invite friends whenever we want.

The £20 is just to cover the cost of running the place, cleaners, basic household goods that are provided, cost of running hot tub, electric, gas etc. They own the house, it's not charging rent.

But it's in a "sort after area"!!

Guests bring a bottle and you pay for the food, perfectly reasonable in my opinion.

I wouldn't even mind paying my way for the meal instead to be honest, I'd do so if we went to a restaurant, a sit down meal by professional caterers no different really.

Most on Mumsnet seem to think if you invite people out for a meal you pay for it all, I've never encountered this in real life myself nor do I know anyone where that's the done thing. Every celebration meal I've attended people paid for themselves and it wasn't a problem. Maybe I don't move in the right circles or it's a class thing

Genuine question to everyone who thinks the OP is a CF
What do you think about weddings where people ask for cash gifts and the assumption is that people will pay what their meal cost? I would much rather pay £25 for a catered meal like in the OP than go to a wedding with a shit mass produced meal and expected to pay £50 per head for the privilege?

Ok. So that's 1 night sorted. What about the rest of the weekend? What additional costs will there be?

Genuine answer queenworkerbee I spend on wedding gift what I can afford and feels right in terms of my relationship with the happy couple. I've been to very low budget weddings where the meal was contributed by family members e.g. "Auntie Linda's doing the sausage rolls". What kind of trashy person would reduce their spend on the gift because the couple couldn't afford an expensive reception. When we got married no way did I expect anyone to spend any more than they felt comfortable with.

People mind wonder why they're being charged accommodation when it's your parent's house.

I think it’s reasonable for your parents to charge for use of holiday home .£20 per couple is a bargain, would probably just cover electric etc . As for paying for the meal , given the circumstances I think it’s ok but would probably say something along lines of “ on X Birthday night do you fancy getting caterers in or a takeaway” . I’m sure your friends are going because they want to celebrate with you and won’t mind paying.

my dsis is having a party for her 30th

shes prividing buffet food but u pay your own drinks at the bar-wouldnt dream of asking pp to cover for the food

No I wouldn’t charge people to come to a party. Your DH said he didn’t even want a fuss.

they dont rent it out then

so theyrenot losing anything

You think the parents should charge the daughter for the accommodation for son in law's 40th birthday celebrations? Ok.
Maybe they're struggling financially.

You dodged a bullet, OP!

Your friends might have gone along wth the £70 per couple and bring your own drink policy, oh and don’t forget the present, but I guarantee that they would have been sniggering for years afterwards.

We have been invited to some wealthy friends’ anniversary party and have been instructed to bring a bottle of spirits EACH for the cocktail bar. Each! And we’ve been told to bring good stuff: Hendricks gin, for example. There’s a list of guests’ names with a bottle allocated to each.

The catering isn’t going to be up to much. We were aghast. There will be 50 people at this party. 50 bottles of premium spirits for the hosts: no way will I drink a bottle of spirits in a night, so the hosts get to keep what is left. Tight bastards. They are our friends, so we’ll still go, but we think that their behaviour is crass.

Funnily enough it is always the richer people who behave like this. Not the poorer friends, who wouldn’t dream of asking for money or contributions.

We went to a barbecue last month hosted by a wealthy colleague of DH’s, and were told to bring our own food and drink to their million pound house (north of England, so not a terrace in London!). There were only ten people there! Tight arsed gits. They boasted about their new cars whilst we barbecued our own sausages.

Personally, I would be pretty miffed if I'd been invited on a weekend away then was asked to pay £20 board and £25 for a meal that has been organised, this should all be part of DHs 40th celebrations, and if you aren't comfortable footing it, then revisit the plans.

My eldest got invited to a softplay for a party over summer for their friends birthday, I bought a present, AND wound up having to pay entry to the softplay - I felt that it should have been positioned as a play date, as opposed to for X's Birthday, and thought it was pretty tight of the parents, whom could easily have afforded it (there were only half a dozen kids there)

I wouldn't have thought you'd have to point out BYO? Surely, through courtesy, they would bring some refreshments and provisions with them anyway?

You have to pay for the food. So 4 couples including yourselves, I make that £200. And even with the accommodation costs (couldn't your parents cover this, as a gift for your husband's 40th?), £260. That's really not bad, all in. I think you'll just have to suck it up. I do think it's reasonable to ask them to bring their own bottles though. You wouldn't be paying for their drinks all night at a party held elsewhere.

I think it sounds like money is a bit tight. The weekend probably is going to push the OP's finances. Mumsnetters usually have brilliant ideas for cheaper celebrations, I think some have already been suggested.