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AIBU?

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Original poster

What's reasonable here?

190 replies

hotstepper4 · 28/08/2018 15:08

Last week, myself and dh went to a fete with our 4 dc - my ds7 and his dc, my dss8, dss5 and dsd10.

Dsd wanted to go on the bouncy castle, so she took off the charm bracelet she was wearing, and gave it to dh to hold on to. He put it in his fleece pocket.

Later, there was a sudden downpour of rain. Torrential and totally unexpected. All the dc were only wearing t shirts, dh hurriedly took his hoody off and put it on dss5. We were then running across a field to get shelter.

When we got home, dh took his hoody off dss5, and we realised that the charm bracelet was missing. We think it must have fallen out of the pocket when dss5 was running.

Dh exw has gone mental, apparently the bracelet was a Pandora one and is worth 500.00. We had no idea.

She is demanding we replace it. We don't have that kind of money. Dh thinks she shouldn't have allowed dsd to wear such an expensive bracelet to begin with.

Who is being u?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSevillle · 29/08/2018 09:08

The cheapest bracelet is £40 and the cheapest charms are £10 each (but these are sale ones, so I doubt you'd find 10 different charms for a tenner, but you might if you deliberately limited yourself to the sales etc), so the least a bracelet with 10 charms can cost is £140.

However, excluding a few outliers, the most expensive bracelet is £200, and the most expensive charms are £300, so a Pandora 10 charm bracelet could in theory cost over £3k Shock.

There are a range of Disney charms at around £40-50, which would obviously appeal to a 10 YO, so if she had a few of these, there's your £500 bracelet right there.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 09:20

Some of the replies on here are downright odd. A Pandora charm bracelet with ten or so charms can easily be worth 500 pounds or more. Why do people keep posting it can't be, just look at their website ffs.

The father took responsibility of his child's belonging and lost it. As such it's encumbant on him to replace it. You don't say well fuck you, you didn't tell me how much it was worth. If you take responsibility for something for someone and you lose or damage it it's on you to replace or repair it.

However I also have no clue how the father had no idea about the bracelet, the little girl will have been given charms over an extended period, and I also don't know why a ten year old was getting in a bouncy castle.

Bluelady · 29/08/2018 09:51

Oh come on, Bluntness, I'm over 60 and still get on a bouncy castle given half a chance!

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 09:56

You're a braver woman than me then 🤣

Bluelady · 29/08/2018 10:00

Age has its benefits - you give fewer fucks with every passing year!

cmlover · 29/08/2018 10:37

op I think you need to remeber this is a child that tried to be responsible and who has lost something dear to her.

all this fighting over who should pay and she shouldn't of had it on is a moo point. she did and now it's gone.

it's also quite easy to forget how expensive a bracelet can get. I'm sure her mum didn't buy all the charms at once and where added to over a time, over a time that her daughter has kept it save. which is quite different to being given a 500 bit of jewellery imo.

I think you need to talk to the daughter and asking she wants the same charms replaced and if so make a plan to replace them monthly.

or if she's not fussed take her to get a new bracelet and a charm or too.

I honestly don't see another way that is fair to the child.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/08/2018 11:56

What we don't know (because OP hasn't been back) is whether OP and her H accept (or knew about in the first place) that this was an expensive bracelet, or whether they think the DSD's mother is basically trying to scam money out of them. OP mentioned that the kid isn't particularly bothered, so you needn't wring your hands and blubber about your mental picture of an anguished child who has lost her greatest treasure.

cmlover · 29/08/2018 12:02

I don't think it matters that the child doesn't seem bothered. she could just being polite and doesnt want kick up more fuss.

it doesn't matter if its her pride or you or not , she liked it enough to take it of and give it to an adult to look after.

Pengggwn · 29/08/2018 12:03

ReanimatedSGB

Okay, so would you be answering differently if she was upset? How does that make a difference to whether the dad is responsible or not?

HolyPieter · 29/08/2018 12:09

Your husband was in the wrong, he needs to cough up.

JessicaJonesJacket · 29/08/2018 12:10

I don't know that we can assume the Dd isn't bothered simply because she's downplaying it to her dad and the OP. The DD could be devastated but trying to placate the adults who have made it clear they don't want to pay to replace the bracelet they lost.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/08/2018 12:58

Age has its benefits - you give fewer fucks with every passing year!

Unfortunately you seem to get fewer as well Bluelady

Bluelady · 29/08/2018 13:03

Not necessarily!😉

PegLegAntoine · 29/08/2018 13:06

I am really surprised she had managed to build up a bracelet with ten charms without DH ever knowing about it (so I gather). Is it really that special to her, as I would've thought she'd have mentioned it.

That doesn't make a difference to who lost it but it does make me wonder if it needs replacing if it turns out to be a present she was never that fussed about in the first place. People being given an expensive present doesn't necessarily mean it was yearned for or the value understood.

Thebluedog · 29/08/2018 13:08

If you can’t afford to replace it, then you can’t afford it. I’m sure your dsd is gutted and upset, however it was an accident, you didn’t lose it on purpose.

You could try claiming on your household insurance?

ReanimatedSGB · 29/08/2018 13:11

@PegLegAntoine that's what I think, as well - if the kid was enthusiastic about Pandora charms OP and her H would have been asked to buy them for birthdays/Christmas, surely. Either the kid doesn't care (and it's her mother who is driving the Pandora-collecting because she thinks it's what a little girl should care about) - or the mother is exaggerating in order to get an extra few quid and/or guilt-trip her XH.

TruffleShuffles · 29/08/2018 13:25

Even if DSD wasn’t enthusiastic about it, which you couldn’t possibly know from the posts it doesn’t mean the item doesn’t exist or matter! The DH has still lost a potentially £500 item that someone had paid for.

PeggySueOooOo · 29/08/2018 13:43

It is your husbands responsibility to replace the bracelet as he lost it. If there is no chance of finding the original then I would ask for a photo and see if I could replace like for like second hand.

Queenie8 · 29/08/2018 13:55

Why not all of you go back to the field with torches and search for the bracelet. If it had 10+ charms on it, you should be able to find it. The torch will help pick up the silver/shine/sparkle. You have nothing to lose by looking, and everything to gain.

I also think your DH is responsible for the replacement. The child gave it to him for safe keeping.

MissVanjie · 29/08/2018 19:42

It's the little girl I feel sorry for out of everyone here. She's given her father something important to look after. He's lost it. She has made no fuss, no demands. Most kids would be sulking. She sounds lovely. Is the message you want to give her really that her trusted adults will try to weasel their way out responsibility for their mistakes? Doesn't sound like a good example to me.

totally agree with this @Pengggwn

according to op's other current thread, this child doesn't even have her own room when she visits her dad

Original poster
hotstepper4 · 29/08/2018 19:56

Wow so many responses!

Dsd is quite young for her age I'd say. Her dm buys her a lot of expensive things, and she frequently ruins them. Last year there was drama because me and dsd made bead necklaces with a set that my dm bought dsd for Xmas, and dsds dm went made because she took off the swarovski necklace she'd been wearing to put on the 'tacky' one we'd made. I think dsd just liked it better!

We've reached a compromise, dh is going to buy a new bracelet on amazon, it's not Pandora but it looks similar and it's a lot cheaper. He's then going to pay her 50.00 a month until the cost of the bracelet is recovered. There's no point in arguing the point any longer, I'm just glad that they reached an agreement. We also asked her to stop sending dsd to us wearing expensive items. It's too much responsibility. The other day dsd was in tears because she got mud on a pair of brand new baby pink Nike trainers "I promised mummy I wouldnt get them dirty" they're shoes ffs! What can you do..

OP posts:
Original poster
hotstepper4 · 29/08/2018 19:58

Oh, and not that it has anything to do with this thread, but dsd uses our room when she's here and thinks of it as her own room Hmm so yes she does have her own space. But she is a lovely little girl yes, I adore her Smile

OP posts:
cmlover · 29/08/2018 21:28

am glad it's sorted. but I hope he's paying your step daughter not the mum.
she sounds a little unhinged about stuff, esp not getting muddy. I'll admit I may be a bit "uggh" about something getting muddy but wouldn't dream of telling a child of for it.

JAMMFYesPlease · 29/08/2018 21:53

Glad its sorted. I was going to say it didn't matter that she was wearing the bracelet. That part was a moot point. What mattered was that she thought about the bracelet to go on the bouncy castle and gave it to your DH, the adult she thought would be responsible for it. Whether an accident or not, it happened on his watch.

Instead of sending the mum the money, could you put £50 per month in a savings account for DSD? This would repay HER for HER item that was lost.

You've done the right thing telling the DM not to send anything expensive again. Might want to add that you will not be responsible for anything happening if she chooses to ignore that.

Whattheheq · 29/08/2018 21:59

£500.00 for a Pandora ... are you sure? These are cheap as chips .... you should be able to pick up a replacement cheap enough.

Not true at all. The bracelet is £100 and the charms £25 each so it adds up to a lot.

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